I want to come and share some of my story, I know you don't want to hear "chin up", "there are better days ahead", "please don't take your life"..even though I want to scream them from the roof as your life will not always be like this, I want you to hold on, I want you to afford yourself the time to give life a shot, that is not in a school environment... I wont..
I lost my 19 year old brother to suicide in July of last year, it is almost one year. He was planning to take his life since year 8, he hated who he was and he felt like he was not deserving of the life he was "given", he was dux in every year at school, he went on to do Chemical Engineering at Uni and was awarded three scholarships to do so, he did mention tho in his note that the time at Uni was the best time of his life. He started to go down hill and started just watching You Tube and Twitch, he started to fail, he had never failed at anything in his life...
I will break here to tell you WE KNEW NONE OF THIS, nor did his friends or anyone in his life, he presented as a happy, regular guy who was loving life..he was not this man...
So he failed a math test, he was given a chance to resit it and he walked out half way through it, he was too tired from not having slept for two nights....his burden was watching his friends at uni have two and three jobs to pay for a course that he was "given" and he was failing because he was "useless".
On the day of his funeral there were over 200 kids from school and uni, I hope he knew how loved he was.
On the day of his funeral the words our family spoke of him, I hope he knew and felt this love.
He wrote of how fat and ugly he was, how his body failed him, how he had such anxiety that whenever anyone asked him a question he had a standard eight words and then they would talk about themselves, the pressure was off him.
He wrote of how he wondered if his friends really liked him and if they really wanted him to hang around with them.
What is my point here April..he didn't reach out, to any one, ever...I never could tell him to hold on, that life would not always feel this heavy, that he did have time between year 8 and second year uni..does that mean there were good days? YES.. there was hope..yes it did, but he couldn't do this alone. I didn't get to tell him I would sit all night with him to hold him.
I am so very proud you are reaching out, it may not be to your parents but please tell someone.
You matter so very much and you are loved.