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Forums / Suicidal thoughts and self-harm / I want to ask for help

Topic: I want to ask for help

  1. ____
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    18 June 2020 in reply to Croix

    Hey Croix,
    I only see him once or twice a week while walking between classes, so it's only for a couple of minutes. He doesn't try to solve any problems instead just listens to me. He also has depression and anxiety but he's getting better which I'm very thankful for, he's a good kid.

    The answer to your question, yes. I don't want them to know I'm suicidal. If they did, I would have to talk to them, do things with them which I can't, because they are a large part of the reason for my lack of happiness, and I know I wouldn't be able to spend more time with them.

    Something weird happened earlier. In art, I felt kind of happy for a bit but within seconds that into turned feeling like there's a hole in my chest and I can breathe, but it doesn't feel like enough air.

    In maths I was talking to someone and he told me about what he wants to do when he's older. He told me about all his plans and it was cool to hear them. At the end he asked me what I wanted to do. I panicked because I knew he would want me to be honest, but how on earth do you tell someone that your plans don't exist because you expect to be dead? I changed the subject and I'm hoping he won't ask me again.

    I haven't really thought about that too much. If they were different people, I'm sure I could tell them. If they had always been understanding and I had always been able to trust them maybe I would tell them. But they have done so much to hurt me in the past, so why should I trust them now?

    I hope you're doing well. How is Sumocat?

    April

  2. Aaronsis
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    18 June 2020

    Hi April

    I want to come and share some of my story, I know you don't want to hear "chin up", "there are better days ahead", "please don't take your life"..even though I want to scream them from the roof as your life will not always be like this, I want you to hold on, I want you to afford yourself the time to give life a shot, that is not in a school environment... I wont..

    I lost my 19 year old brother to suicide in July of last year, it is almost one year. He was planning to take his life since year 8, he hated who he was and he felt like he was not deserving of the life he was "given", he was dux in every year at school, he went on to do Chemical Engineering at Uni and was awarded three scholarships to do so, he did mention tho in his note that the time at Uni was the best time of his life. He started to go down hill and started just watching You Tube and Twitch, he started to fail, he had never failed at anything in his life...

    I will break here to tell you WE KNEW NONE OF THIS, nor did his friends or anyone in his life, he presented as a happy, regular guy who was loving life..he was not this man...

    So he failed a math test, he was given a chance to resit it and he walked out half way through it, he was too tired from not having slept for two nights....his burden was watching his friends at uni have two and three jobs to pay for a course that he was "given" and he was failing because he was "useless".

    On the day of his funeral there were over 200 kids from school and uni, I hope he knew how loved he was.

    On the day of his funeral the words our family spoke of him, I hope he knew and felt this love.

    He wrote of how fat and ugly he was, how his body failed him, how he had such anxiety that whenever anyone asked him a question he had a standard eight words and then they would talk about themselves, the pressure was off him.

    He wrote of how he wondered if his friends really liked him and if they really wanted him to hang around with them.

    What is my point here April..he didn't reach out, to any one, ever...I never could tell him to hold on, that life would not always feel this heavy, that he did have time between year 8 and second year uni..does that mean there were good days? YES.. there was hope..yes it did, but he couldn't do this alone. I didn't get to tell him I would sit all night with him to hold him.

    I am so very proud you are reaching out, it may not be to your parents but please tell someone.

    You matter so very much and you are loved.

    Hugs

    Sarah

    2 people found this helpful
  3. hello, hi, 😀
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    18 June 2020 in reply to ____

    Hi April,

    I AM YEAR 9 TOO! What a coincidence!

    I am really sorry you sat in the bathroom for a month. Maybe you could write her a letter? (That's not really helpful, sorry) Does your school have lunchtime clubs? Sorry, I know I am not helpful.

    How is your Fictional writing going? Would you like to work together to find some ideas to write about? We could talk about it, here if you want. Two people bad in Fiction could make something positive.

    I have been hating myself for over 4 years. Looking in the mirror is a struggle for me. I am fat and really really ugly. If anyone here saw me in real life, they would call me ugly. I was never a small and fit kid. Since I was younger, I have always been fat and ugly but now that impacts me more than it did before, due to this, the clothing I wear will be always long and a dark shade, and I will never take my jacket off because it tends to make me look less fat. At the end of the day, being fat and ugly impacts the amount I talk to people and makes me hate myself more. The main reason I think I am fat is because of the lack of motivation, being followed by this dark cloud prevents me from having fun and sometimes causes me to feel sad for no specific reason. In front of everyone else I act normal, wear this mask, they don't know how much I hate myself. Some think that I am a weird kid who never takes her jacket off, with no confidence, fat, ugly and no point to talk too.

    I am really sorry you struggle with body image too. But I am really really glad you are feeling better than yesterday. I feel alright I guess, I am pretty stable. Like not sad, not happy, just slightly leaning towards the unhappier side, which is pretty good. I have a headache again, like everyday, lol.

    Thank you for being here too, I really appreciate being able to talk to you. I know I have said this before, but you make me feel less alone in this situation and you have been really helpful and kind to me.

    Thank you :)

    How has your day been?

    Sorry for the late reply, I had these year 10 meetings.

    Warm wishes,

    Neerja

  4. hello, hi, 😀
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    18 June 2020 in reply to Aaronsis

    Hi Sarah,

    I am really sorry to hear about your brother.

    I hope you and your family are doing well.

    I wish you and your family comfort and peace.

    Warm wishes,

    Neerja

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  5. hello, hi, 😀
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    18 June 2020 in reply to Croix

    Hi Croix,

    Does having suicidal thoughts make me suicidal?

    I don't want my parents to know. For two reasons. One, I don't want to add extra pressures and stress on them. Two, they won't understand, they will blame me, call me greedy and selfish, because they think that giving and buying things means a child is happy.

    Warm wishes,

    Neerja

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  6. hello, hi, 😀
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    18 June 2020 in reply to ____

    Hi April,

    I am really really glad that your friend is getting better and he listens to you. I am really glad that you have someone to talk to.

    I understand what you mean about future planning and trust. They are both really difficult.

    I hope today you have had a good day.

    Warm wishes,

    Neerja

  7. Sophie_M
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    18 June 2020 in reply to hello, hi, 😀
    Hi Neerja,

    Good to see you around the forums this evening. We're sorry to hear that it's still too difficult to be open with your parents. We understand that keeping these feelings inside might leave you feekling quite alone or overwhelmed at times. Please remember that this is always a safe space to express yourself.

    You might be interested in reading some of the Beyond Blue online resources around suicidal thoughts, "Feeling suicidal" - https://www.beyondblue.org.au/the-facts/suicide-prevention/feeling-suicidal

    And also, "Talking to someone about your suicidal feelings" - https://www.beyondblue.org.au/the-facts/suicide-prevention/feeling-suicidal/talking-to-someone-about-your-suicidal-feelings

    We're getting in touch privately just to check in with you and offer some support. It's great to see you making friends in the community and we hope to see you around the forums whenever you feel up to it.
  8. Croix
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    18 June 2020 in reply to ____
    Dear April~

    I’ll answer the important question first: Sumo is “busy”. He has deserted my elbow and taken over Mrs C’s chair as his fav blanket was covered in my stuff.

    That young kid is a good reminder, there are sensible people you can like in this world, even if they have troubles too. I hope he continues to improve.

    If asked what you want for the future in you could say the same as me when I was suicidal, for a happy life. That was genuine enough, though I did not think there was any chance at all it would happen.

    Plus I think that feeling that came over you when you started to feel happy in art was in fact grief and loss. Loss of what was no longer there.

    So we are at the roadblock, you need competent medical assistance, but getting that seems to mean you need an adult with sufficient resources to keep your parents at bay for a bit.

    Sounds to me like you need to get to the attention of a medical professional, GP, Psychiatrist etc. I know you chatted to Kids Help Line, did you ask them that specific question? Plus if they can’t help ask them for suggestions.

    If they say dunno then move up to Suicide Call Back Service and ask them the same by chat. It is a solvable problem. Move on to Headspace if you need to.

    Please come back after and say how you went.

    Croix (Sumo Cat would reply too but still too ‘busy’)


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  9. Croix
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    18 June 2020 in reply to hello, hi, 😀
    Dear Hi Neerja~

    Well, I’m not a doctor, but for me what started out as the occasional wondering what getting rid of my horrible life would be like, to thinking about suicide a lot, them planning ways and means, then yes I tried to kill myself – more than once, and I was quite genuine. Happened quite fast.

    So are you like me – dunno but I would expect you are - and the danger flags are well and truly flying. I was pretty typical.

    Sadly we cannot choose our parents, I would have taken mine back under warranty if I’d had the chance when I got a bit older.

    You said two things, and the first you can answer for yourself – “I don't want to add extra pressures and stress on them”. Well if you killed or harmed yourself they would have even more pressure and stress.

    I’m not sure that is a real reason, though it is an easy one to convince yourself is true.

    The second one, lack of understanding, calling you unpleasant things. Well yes that is a problem, you, like April, need someone to stand between you and them

    Your existing councilor at school sounds a bit ordinary. You do not give people sheets, you talk, and you do not fish them out of a room full of other kids. OK so when you do talk for a little while you feel better, that’s natural, but is only one thing, you need more.

    So who have you got?

    That reminds me, I never played football, cricket or tennis at my schools. I found out when I was 15 I needed glasses and all that time had never been able to see the moving ball. Felt like some sort of magic when other kids could hit it.

    Of course white privilege exists. BLM is important and a lot of changes are needed. I also think a lot of it has to start with kids, not rallies or anything like that -though they might be ok if not infectious – but simply treating everyone equal and pointing out injustice like Greta Thunberg did at the UN about climate change.

    The important question is 3 paragraphs up:)

    Croix

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  10. Guest_1643
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    18 June 2020 in reply to hello, hi, 😀

    Hey Neerja, good luck for your year ten meetings!
    I was interested by your question about being suicidal if you have thoughts.
    These thoughts are called suicidal ideation and lots of people get them - but I think they are very significant and need to be taken seriously. I have these thoughts too, nearly every day.
    They are exhausting and they take a toll, so I think it's valid to seek help for them.

    I'm sorry you suffer so much with body image. It is a hugely painful thing, and what's worse is that many people dismiss these things as vain etc when it can affect us so deeply. Do you look in the mirror? I struggle with the same and can't cope generally with the mirror but am noticing one nice thing about myself lately - my long long long no-haircuts-in-lockdown hair. It's making me feel almost okay.

    I hope you are doing alright Neerja and wave to April Sarah and Croix and all other posters and readers


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  11. hello, hi, 😀
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    19 June 2020 in reply to Guest_1643

    Hi Sleepy21,

    I am really sorry you are going through suicidal thoughts and struggle with body image too.

    But I am very very very very very glad that you are noticing one nice thing about yourself. I bet you have a lot of nice things. Your long long long no-haircuts-in-lockdown hair sounds really nice!

    I try to avoid the mirror and taking photos as much as I can. The only time I have to look at myself is when I do my hair because I can't tie my hair up with looking at what I am doing. Which sounds really lame, and adds to another thing I do wrong. I really hate talking on phones, looking in the mirror and taking photos.

    How has your day been today?

    I hope you and your family are doing well.

    Warm wishes,

    Neerja

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  12. hello, hi, 😀
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    19 June 2020 in reply to Croix

    Hi Croix,

    I really sorry you have/had suicidal thoughts and you tried to kill yourself. You don't have to answer this, but what triggered it for you?

    I really liked how you said 'I would have taken mine back under warranty if I’d had the chance when I got a bit older.'

    I don't know who else I have got. Before BeyondBlue, I tried Headspace which wasn't helpful for me. I tried Kids Helpline it was alright. But they both kept on giving me information sheets and it felt really rushed and weird, to be honest.

    I am really sorry that eyesight came in the way of playing sports. Did you wish to play sports? Or you just didn't want to, like me?

    I wear glasses too, just for reading, but it is getting harder to see the basketball whenever I play.

    You are really right about how it should start with kids, not rallies. As if they are educated about equal rights, maybe they won't be as influenced by the surroundings treating each other with a lack of respect. Adults are a bit harder to persuade because some are stuck in their ways. Maybe in their workplaces, they could have programs talking about equal rights for all races. The protests are really important, it brings so much more awareness about BLM. Greta Thunberg is amazing! Her speeches are so powerful and beautifully written.

    I hope you are doing well. :)

    Warm wishes,
    Neerja

  13. ____
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    19 June 2020 in reply to Aaronsis

    Hi Sarah,

    I am extremely sorry about your brother and I too hope he knows how loved he was, how loved he is.

    I feel like an absolute hypocrite,the loss of your brother saddens me, yet here I am, continuously telling you I wish I were dead. I am very sorry for acting like this.

    I do want to tell someone but the only person who I've considered talking to is a teacher, and he has to tell the school mental health guy, who unfortunately by law has to inform my parents.

    As Croix has previously said, I am at a roadblock. I am stuck with two options, and the one that I find appealing is the one people tell me not to do and I'm still struggling to understand why they say this.

    Many thanks,

    April

  14. Aaronsis
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    19 June 2020 in reply to ____

    Hey April

    You are certainly no hypocrite, you are genuinely feeling bad and you have lots on your plate with school and with family life and my point in sharing my story with you was that we didn't know, as a family we did not see or suspect a thing to even ask "do you want to chat?", "is everything ok for you?"...I want this for you, I want you to have a person, a real person who will sit with you and who will talk with you and who can show you how loved and how needed you are. I understand that the roadblock is ahead, right infront of you. You do have a choice, however, please keep searching for the person who will give you the support and the guidance through this time.

    I understand that it isn't your parents and while this is really hard. Is there a family friend? Just someone who can help you down the path of "what if.."...what if tomorrow one thing changes, what if tomorrow just for a moment you have two times when you feel happy, like in art and what if you can for one moment find hope. With those one or two moments does give us the thought that there can be more, and there can be.

    The younger kid at school who has been drawn to you, to chat with you, he sees a person with whom he can trust, who he sees is kind and who gives him the time of day. The fact that he is drawn to you for support suggests to me he sees you as a friend and as a good person, he is looking up to you and values the conversations you have. Maybe this is a person with whom you do take some time to eat lunch with or have some time a recess with, maybe he becomes a friend and together you support each other? Maybe he is in the same boat as you and feels so alone and so very lost. Maybe April you are the hand that can reach to him.

    I can only answer for me when you ask "why people don't want me to take the path I want to"...because life is ever changing and it will not always be like this, it won't be filled with days at school with people who don't understand you and make life difficult for you, it will not be living in a house with your parents and it will not be as it is today. As you grow and make choices that drive your life you will see that there are good times, there is love and you are loved and can love. That these times, while they are damn hard, they can and will get better. So why make a choice today that does not give you the chance for a better tomorrow? You matter and we care.

    You have so much to give others April, take some of this love for you.

    Hugs

    Sarah

  15. ____
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    19 June 2020 in reply to hello, hi, 😀

    Hey Neerja,

    My fictional story is a bit of a mess. We're only allowed to have 600-800 words, I'm already up to 200 and all my character has done is swallowed a pill. I'm hoping I can shorten it.I don't really know if the forum allows you to discuss off topic things in this thread but your help would be greatly appreciated, and I'm happy to help you.

    My school doesn't have clubs, does yours? I've never been to a school with lunchtime clubs, I think it would be good. Please don't feel the need to apologise for helping me, many of your suggestions are quite good.

    I know what you mean about wearing a jacket, I love winter because it's an excuse to cover my body and I don't overheat. My weight has only been an issue to me for three years. It started when on an overnight excursion, a girl told me she was doing a 24 hour fast to lose weight and suggested I do it with her. I did it and when I finally ate, I threw up on everyone at the table. I got home and realised how disgusting I was and I vowed to lose weight. Since then I have put on as much as I wanted to lose. I don't know if I count as a friend, but if so, you have a friend who sees you as much more than a weird kid.

    My day was pretty average. I made cookies which was nice, and I got 86% on my maths test which I'm happy with. How are you?

    Many thanks,

    April

  16. ____
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    19 June 2020 in reply to Croix

    Hi Croix,

    Normally when I give a happy memory, I have been prompted to, however I just thought of this and it was one of the best moments of my life.
    Earlier this year, I went to my first concerts and was able to see one of my favourite artists (NF) live. He writes songs about his OCD, depression and just how he feels in general. Anyway, I was standing there, the lights were blinding and the music deafening. I was hot and sweaty and I was so tightly packed against all these other people , yet this was the happiest I had ever been. I was in a crowd of people who felt the same way as me. When it got to the chorus, I started to cry, as there were 2000 people, just like me singing 'I don't see you like I should, you look so misunderstood, and I wish I could help, but it's hard when I hate myself.'

    I know that it's kind of stupid but I just thought of it and it was definitely the best I have ever felt in life.

    I'm glad SumoCat is well and I'm sure he'll migrate back to his blanket once it's clear.One of my cats has a funny thing of completely ignoring me for up to a week, then one day spends the entire day following me around and meowing for my attention.

    I want to use the suicide callback service, however they ask for a lot of data on you just to use the online webchat, and I don't even have some of it, like the skype username.

    This morning, I had a long conversation with him, and everyone time I speak to him he says 'I love you' and it just makes me feel so much better and i don't know why. I have issues with people touching me, yet for some reason I don't mind when he hugs me. He has a lot of stuff of his own to deal with and I feel bad that I can't help him.

    April

  17. hello, hi, 😀
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    20 June 2020 in reply to ____

    Hi April,

    I definitely see you as a friend and your kindness, support and understanding really means a lot. :)

    Your story so far sounds amazing! I have a huge problem with making things concise, recently my essay was more than 3000 words, lol. I am happy to help you too! ....... except if it is about making things concise that's my biggest weakness, lol.

    The lunchtime clubs in my school have no one coming to them, so they pretty much never run. In my old school, it was the same case. But, my art teacher opens the artroom sometimes which helps me take a break from everyone.

    Same here I love Winter too. I love it when it rains, it makes the surroundings seem magical, glistening and beautiful. I feel like the silver drops add colour to a colourless life.

    I am really sorry you went through so much. Do your parents understand things with body image? My parents don't, they call ungrateful and sometimes call me 'pretty' (when they have arguments with each other), which means nothing to me. For me, it started when my 'friends' started bragging about the clothing sizes and the amount of clothing that suited them. It really hurt me, it still does. Later on, I got bullied about being fat and having a huge forehead which added on. I really hate myself.

    WOW! 86% sounds really really good! And the cookies you made too :)

    My day was average too. Today I had no arguments with my parents and those going away thoughts are pretty average, lower than the days before.

    How has today been for you?

    Your happy moment sounds so good! That is such a sweet and magical moment, feeling like you are not alone, surrounded by people who feel similar things and meeting your favourite artist. That is awesome, not stupid AT ALL.

    I am really really glad you have someone who you can talk to, feel happy and safe with.

    I hope you are doing well.

    Warm wishes,

    Your friend,

    Neerja

  18. Guest_1643
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    20 June 2020 in reply to hello, hi, 😀

    Hi Neerja and waves to all

    Thanks for the compliments on my hair lol :)
    I just wanted to say that i'm sure all your features are perfect, teasing like that is pretty mean... A lot of the models have prominent features etc and it actually can add to someone's attractiveness.
    I don't have any prominent features really and I don't think that makes me better looking lol.
    You mentioned you only look in the mirror to tie up your hair - I guess that's one thing you can look at and see okay? Do you like your hair?

    I had a really difficult day and am struggling a lot with deprssion and suicidality. Thank you for asking. How are you feeling?

  19. Croix
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    20 June 2020 in reply to ____

    Dear April (With a wave toNeerja and Speepy21) ~

    I don't think that roadblock is the only way of thinking of things. True it might seem like that to you at the moment - get help and your parents get to know, or don't get help and run the risk of being overwhelmed and taking your life. So you get around it, no black and white thinking please!

    There are some things in your life you like Neerja, the kid, the concert, a hug from the RIGHT person, being told you are loved, 86% and all the rest you think are pretty OK. If you look you will find more -seek them out, avoid things you know will end badly if you can (like sitting with a group of catty girls) and eventually the good may well outweigh the bad things permanently-roadblock does not apply.

    The second is a helping hand over the roadblock, someone who talks on your behalf with your parents -and keeps on doing so. Get an undertaking they will continue to do that before you say anything. That way your parents are are responsible to that person as well as you, whch may make them more likely to treat you as you deserve.

    You may have someone, someone you trust, someone at school, I don't know your life well enough to suggest.

    Your school's councilor or teacher's responsibility does not stop with simply telling your parents what you said, they need to do more than that

    So who do you the might be the best bet -any other possibilities?

    BTW Suicide Call Back Service needs you to have a computer &/or phone. Dunno email, Skype is only for face to face

    The Butterfly Foundation can give you information on how to deal with eating problems

    https://butterfly.org.au/where-do-i-start/

    and a worth looking at. No quick fix but an understanding of how things work when it comes to body image, eating problems and so on is always a help.

    If you want to go off-topic right here and talk about how to construct a story, fine, no worries. If you want to talk about every aspect of all your homework then we will think of something else .

    Sum has indeed returned to his favorite blanket, it is a sort of furry thing and he kneads his claws in it before settling down. Funny creature -but very large and dignified, with a very fine set of whiskers

    First thing of the morning he wants out to sit on the front step and look at our very overgrown garden. He sees lots of little birds but is far to lazy to give chase, just sits and takes mental notes. He also sees the night's possum poo, but leaves possums for Foxy Dox to bark at

    Croix

     

  20. Croix
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    20 June 2020 in reply to hello, hi, 😀

    Dear Neerja~

    I'm sure you wold have read my response to April, after all I did wave and was bearing you in mind.

    I wonder, can you do some art in lunchtime, something to capture your interest if the door is left open? Better than just sitting, even if it gets wiped off with the next class. Art is not all portraits and real life, it can be anything you can draw.

    I live in cold climate and one night a small pipe burst to where we used to feed the wallabies. In the morning was the most beautiful frozen fountain of ice, a work of art straight from nature. I was sad as it gradually diminished and was tempted to make another small hole the next night, but thought better of it.

    I've no idea if you are pretty or not, or if your forehead is larger than mine. I do know two truths, people always see the worst of themselves in a mirror, it is as if it distorts things just to make the viewer feel bad.

    The second is how a person feels about themselves, not their looks, that shines though and attracts people. If you take almost any actress, she can make herself seem ugly - or beautiful - almost at will. It is how you think that matters. I've just watched The Invisible Man at the movies, Elisabeth Moss manages both in the same film.

    Any idiot that tried to bully you is not picking on your looks, or even you realy. They are trying to reinforce their security within a group. To be so tied to a group in such a precarious manner realy should make them an object of pity, no matter how rude or vicious they appear. I'd imagine you are wise enough to know that already.

    As you just said yourself, there are sweet magical moments in life, I've reached the stage they are there most of the time (largely due to my partner) , yet I started out wanting to discard the lot and kill myself. What seems the most impassable of mountains does melt.

    Glad you managed a civil day with your parents, maybe it will grow better from there.

    Help with the story here by all means (not every word, but ideas and the occasional phrase or perhaps paragraph or two.)

    Croix

  21. hello, hi, 😀
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    21 June 2020 in reply to Guest_1643

    Hi Sleepy21,

    I am really sorry you had a difficult day.

    Would you like to talk about it? It's okay if you don't. Whenever you do I will listen :)

    I don't know how I feel about my hair, lol. It is dead and thin. I find it really hard to tie up my hair without seeing what I am doing. One day I didn't look, I went to school and someone was like to me 'did you wake up and come to school'. Lol.

    Today, was alright I guess. The start of this week went awful, I had an argument with my mum, then I cried during the night, had trouble sleeping, had those thoughts and then I was tired; I went to school and I had a math test, which didn't go well. I studied, but I was so tired that I couldn't concentrate or think. I bet I did awful on it. It shows how dumb I am and how I can't manage situations well. But the end of this week went pretty well; the thoughts are lower, and my sleep is good.

    How has your day been?

    Warm wishes,

    Neerja

    1 person found this helpful
  22. hello, hi, 😀
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    21 June 2020 in reply to Croix

    Hi Croix,

    Lunchtimes are pretty short, so I don't really get much done during the time the art room is open. But whenever I finish my work early or I get left out, I do draw, it makes me relaxed and distracts me from the things that go wrong. But sometimes, I am really tired of everything, so I find it better to just sit and not do anything. I just don't have that motivation to do things, I know I sound really lazy.

    Wow! The frozen fountain of ice sounds wonderful! Nature is absolutely breathtaking.

    If you saw me, you would call me ugly and fat too, just like everyone else. I know how I ugly and fat I am.

    What is The Invisible Man about? I never heard of it, sorry.

    I am really glad, that the mountain of those thoughts is starting to melt.

    I hope you are doing well,

    Warm wishes,

    Neerja

  23. ____
    ____ avatar
    68 posts
    21 June 2020 in reply to hello, hi, 😀

    Hey Neerja

    How are you? Did you do anything interesting recently? If not that's fine, I haven't done anything interesting in ages.

    It's the end of the weekend and I have my english, drama, science, commerce and hsie assignments due during the week. I did not do any work over the weekend and I'm seriously regretting it. I just need to get through the next two weeks (I think) and I'll have made it to to the holidays. Once I've made it through the holidays, I'll get two weeks of school in which I don't have any assessments and then I'm back to stressing out.

    You have a very nice way of writing. 'it makes the surroundings seem magical, glistening and beautiful. I feel like the silver drops add colour to a colourless life'. It's just very pleasant to read.

    My parents aren't very good when it comes to body image. I don't think I'd ever talk to them about it. I know what you mean. Being called pretty doesn't mean anything. I know I'm ugly so I don't want to think about how I look. I don't know if that makes sense.

    I'm not going to tell you you're pretty, I have no idea what you look like. Instead, I will tell you that you are the kind of person who doesn't need to be pretty, because inside, you are absolutely gorgeous (I don't mean you have nice organs, I mean you have a nice personality and you're very intelligent but I'm sure you knew what I meant). I really hope other people see you the same way I do.

    I have a few people I can talk to. When I'm at school, I can talk to him, and when I'm at home, I can talk to everyone on here which has been a great help. Thank you so much for being here.

    Many thanks

    Your friend

    April

    1 person found this helpful
  24. Croix
    Community Champion
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    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    Croix avatar
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    21 June 2020 in reply to hello, hi, 😀

    Dear Neerja -and April~

    How much you believe a person depends on your judgment of them

    Two people who you know have been through hard times and basically said outside does not matter, inside does. That is becuse what is of value is on the inside.

    That's hard to accept. It is much easier to look in a mirror or believe some idiot from school.

    Drawing, even quick sketches are good, it helps express your feelings, even if no one else sees.

    April you have a lovely way of supporting. Giving support is a funny thing, the results may not become apparent for a long time, lying buried until the time is ripe for them to come out.

    Can you ask for an extension on your assignments?

    Oh, nearly forgot. The Invisible Man is rated R as it is sort of SciFi with violence. A man makes his wife's life miserable, when she leaves him he stalks her wearing a suit that makes him invisible. It has a happy ending though I found it a little violent for my tastes.

    Croix

  25. Guest_1643
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    21 June 2020

    hello all

    I honestly think every woman is pretty in her own way. April when you write about your parents being bad with body image, just wanted to say that sucks. It doesn't help so much. It can be hard to tell ourselves we are okay and good enough, sometimes we need to hear it.

    You are both beautiful and shine from the inside out. I'm wandering if either of you have heard of a show called Shrill? It is about a young woman with body image issues and I found it quite empowering. She's very overweight but I found her absolutely stunning and endearing. it's a very body positive show!

    Hey Neerja, I'm sure your hair is beautiful and I hope you can find some nice things about your appearance. Is there anything you do like about it? It's okay if you don't want to answer but was just wandering if you ever can notice anything that makes you feel confident. Personally I think being fat is not an issue and can look great and i'm sick of skinny-obsessed society.

    Lately I've had a very hard time, I stayed in my apartment alone for a few days and didn't barely move off the couch, for fear and anxiety. I'm struggling and feeling a lot of self-loathing. I hope next week will be better. Thank you for being here.

  26. ____
    ____ avatar
    68 posts
    21 June 2020 in reply to Croix

    Hey Croix,

    If it's not a roadblock what is it? I can only see two options and I will admit, it feels like I've already chosen which one, I'm just waiting for the right time. I want to have one good day, one day where I am happy, and then I can leave. Luckily for you, my school and anyone else who knows me, I highly doubt I'll have a good day anytime soon.

    I do have good moments but I just feel so empty afterwards. I've found myself getting through most of my classes by imagining different deaths and funerals. It's not the usual daydream but it gets me through, even if it's not pleasant to anyone else if they ask what I'm thinking about.

    I don't know what would happen to me if I told someone. Am I high risk? Am I no risk? What the hell is all this risk stuff? Even if I communicate through someone else, my parents will talk to me. They will push me to talk to them and take away my privacy. I don't know what the process is, but I do know my parents will be there to prevent me from getting better.

    I though the butterfly foundation was for people struggling with eds or dysmorphia. I don't know if it counts if I'm actually fat, that's not dysmorphia, it's just me being fat.

    I have two cats, both of which like to grab my sheets with their claws and slowly unmake my bed. I am glad Sumo has returned to his blanket.

    Thanks,

    April

  27. ____
    ____ avatar
    68 posts
    21 June 2020 in reply to Guest_1643

    Hey Sleepy21

    I've never heard of Shrill. I understand the idea of body positivity, but my current weight isn't healthy. I've checked my BMI and it's way above the highest recommendation for a teenager. I don't want to be positive about my body, it's disgusting and if I start being positive about it, I won't be able to lose any more weight which I need to be a properly functioning teenager.

    I'm probably not much help, I'm a kid in highschool, you are living in your own apartment, but I hope you're doing a bit better now. Even if you're not leaving your apartment or even your couch, you have been extremely helpful to me and I think Neerja would say the same for her.

    April

  28. hello, hi, 😀
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    22 June 2020 in reply to ____

    Hi April,

    I know what you mean about imagining different deaths and funerals, I do that every day too. I think for me, it was most triggered during this teenage health Reach Seminar, they were talking about being in a coffin and people saying nice things about you and how you want to be remembered. The way I saw it was being in a coffin, no one coming to my funeral and everyone talking about the mistakes I have made. What do you think triggered it for you?

    Wow, you have a lot of assignments. I have, hums, english, math and science. Does your school give extensions?

    I am really sorry you are stressing out. Is there a teacher you could easily talk to for extensions?

    Is Commerce good? I am thinking of doing it next year and I am really unsure about doing it.

    Has your school started to think about year 10 subjects?

    I know what you mean about not wanting to think about own looks.

    I more than 100% agree with Croix, you have a lovely way of supporting. I see you as kind, supportive, honest, understanding, loyal, non-judgmental, sweet, generous, really really really smart and i can keep listing more things.

    You have many many qualities and you are an amazing person. I am really grateful that I have a friend like you. I don't know if I am a good friend, that's why I tend to lose so many friends over time and no one likes me. But thank you so much for being my friend. I really appreciate it. :)

    I didn't do anything interesting, sorry.

    You have a very nice way of writing too :)

    I am really really glad you have people to talk too and thank you for being here and starting this thread.

    Thank you April,

    I hope you are doing well,

    Take care,

    Your friend,

    Neerja

  29. hello, hi, 😀
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    22 June 2020 in reply to Guest_1643

    Hi Sleep21,

    I think you are beautiful and shine from the inside out.

    Sorry I haven't heard about Shrill too.

    I really don't like anything about myself. I am this unwanted, ugly and fat kid that no one likes and I don't like myself too.

    I am really sorry you are going through such a hard time, and have been staying in your apartment by youself, please know you are not alone here and we are all here for you, just like you are here for us.

    I agree more than a hundred percent, that you have been extremely helpful. Thank you for being here with us. :)

    I hope you feel better.

    Sending you strength and hope,

    Your friend,

    Neerja

  30. hello, hi, 😀
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    537 posts
    22 June 2020 in reply to Croix

    Hi Croix,

    How has your day been today?

    The movie sounds really good, maybe when I am older I will watch it, lol. Just 3 more years, lol.

    You are right about quick sketches.

    It is easier to believe the mirror and what others say. But what they say is true. I know how ugly and overweight I am.

    I hope you are doing well.

    Warm wishes,

    Your friend,

    Neerja

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