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Forums / Suicidal thoughts and self-harm / I want to ask for help

Topic: I want to ask for help

  1. hello, hi, 😀
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    2 July 2020 in reply to ____

    Hi April,

    Please don't apologise. I completely understand. :)

    I am so so so so so glad that you left that group and found another group! That is amazing news! I am so happy for you! That is so good that tomorrow is your last day at school.

    Messing around is good and fun! That's exactly what I am doing. Being lazy, watching tv and relaxing. Today, I was going to read the next English novel, but I spent the whole day procrastinating, lol. Maybe tomorrow...

    WOW! You can ride a skateboard! That is amazing! Once I tried, had a really bad experience, lol. Painting sounds really fun! As my school is prep to 9, the year 9's had to leave a mark in the school and my group decided to paint a mural, that was actually the first time I painted.

    I bet you are an amazing and talented artist! I would so love to see your paintings!

    LOL, that is so true about people who ask to borrow a pen, and when you say yes, they use your whole pencil case. It can be annoying sometimes, especially when you don't know what to say to them. This person asked me for so many pens and lost half of them.

    I am really sorry that you won't have your PE teacher, are still able to talk to him? How is your new teacher?

    Thanks for being so kind. You deserve and can have a virtual award for 'the extremely and sweet, generous, honest, loyal, kind, supportive, extraordinary and compassionate person and friend.' :)

    This week has been going ok for me, the death thoughts are still the same and my relationship with my parents is the usual but other than that, it has been pretty relaxing.

    I hope you are doing well. How has today been for you?

    May each day be bright and joyful.

    Warm wishes,

    Your friend

    Neerja

  2. hello, hi, 😀
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    2 July 2020 in reply to Croix

    Hi Croix,

    I found the movie version of The "12 Angry Men" on youtube.

    You are so right about how it brings the book to life, you can see the expressions and also their body language too. For example, juror 5 in the book he seems like someone who is one of the people who is prejudice. However, in the movie, you can tell that one, he is nervous and feels really uncomfortable with the other people as he doesn't talk much and votes the kid guilty but had second thoughts too. There was one difference, with the age of the boy. The movie says he is 19, while in the book it says 16. I am still reading the book, it is really interesting. As many come with many perspectives some prejudice, some who hardly care about someone's life is at stake and with some who actually care. Shows individuality. I am really enjoying the book and movie.

    I am going to listen to Via con Me, as soon as possible. I don't have my headphones with me. But I bet it is amazing.

    That's exactly how I feel. Like no one understands and offline, I am alone. It can be painful. Just knowing that no one is there for me and might never be.

    I am really sorry that you went through wearing a mask and feeling that your inside was bad. I know this isn't going to help, but I think you are a great person, you are humorous and compassionate. :)

    Now, I am going to read your three little pigs joke. :) That's sad that it is your last one.

    I hope you are doing well and Sumo Cat. May each day be bright and joyful.

    Your friend,

    Neerja

     

  3. hello, hi, 😀
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    2 July 2020 in reply to Emmen

    Hi M,

    Thank you for your kind words.

    I just feel stupid and dumb, because of the way people treat and see me, having those death thoughts, not being able to talk in front of others and being fat and ugly.

    Being lazy is fun! I am really glad you are taking lazy days too! You earnt them.

    I think you will enjoy 12 Angry Men. Watching the movie and reading the book, makes the experience even better. Many of the characters are prejudice, but how one juror can show another perspective of viewing things is amazing.

    I agree with you about my friends. All people have their own problems. I understand what you mean. We all crave acceptance and being part of the popularity competition/hierarchy and everyone has their own way to respond.

    I feel like I am going to spend most of my breaks in the art room to just relax and have a break from people when school starts.

    I hope you are doing well. May each day be bright and joyful.

    Warm wishes,

    Your friend,

    Neerja

  4. Guest_1643
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    3 July 2020 in reply to hello, hi, 😀

    Hey Neerja,

    glad to read you've been finding the forums helpful. I don't know how to offer advice regarding having such strict parents, I can relate though, as my parent were very similar.
    I wasn't allowed often to go out with friends and there was often no reason or explanation, and it did feel hurtful. I did manage to make some friends out of school which helped a lot but still school was hard and lonely. I am glad you have this forum and hope you continue to meet lovely people.

    I'm sure they will find you soon, it sometimes can happen unexpectedly :)

    Hope you have a good day tomorrow and are feeling well, sending support and goodness

  5. Croix
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    3 July 2020 in reply to hello, hi, 😀

    Dear Neerja~

    One thing that can be a comfort to remember when friends turn out to be acquaintances, you are sick of it all, and see nothing in front that is better.

    The life you can have is like the 12 Angry Men, when you first look there is not much to see and it seems remote and not much sense. However as you find out more it becomes richer, varied, interesting, enjoyable. Even if sometimes it might take a guide to start you off.

    People become real, and are of all sorts including the perceptive, worthy and good. There is a place for you in this world where you can be happy and content, and also be one of those people yourself.

    Croix

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  6. ____
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    3 July 2020 in reply to hello, hi, 😀

    Hey Neerja,

    I have a maths test on the first day back of school next term so I told myself I'm going to study, however I highly doubt that will happen. I'll probably end up doing nothing which is fun, it just means I'll stress out a heap when I'm back at school.

    I'm not very good at skating. I can't do any tricks or anything but I just enjoy it and I can't ride a bike (quite sad for a 14 year old) so it allows me to get around. Did you enjoy painting? I don't like art when it's for an assessment but when I can do whatever I want it's very relaxing. It's not for everyone, but maybe you would like it.

    I don't know who my new teacher is. I really hope they'll be nice. I don't think I'll see him at all anymore which sucsk but maybe I'll have him as a teacher next year.

    Today was my last day of school so I am quite happy and absolutely prepared to be sleeping for 15 hours a day. I'm glad you're relaxed at the moment. Do you enjoy walking? I used to go for two hour walks to clear my head. I can't be thinking too much as it makes the suicidal thoughts start so I prefer to listen to music and just completely empty my mind. You might have your own way of doing that. It can really help with death thoughts to have something to clear your mind. Sorry if I'm giving advice that everyone says.

    How are you? I hope you have had an amazing day so far, even if you only just woke up.

    Thank you for being such a good friend and I look forward to reading your reply

    April

  7. ____
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    3 July 2020 in reply to Croix

    Hi Croix,

    How have you been? Do you have any advice as to what I can do with my holidays?

    I would like to download the beyond blue app, however my parents monitor my phone and i cannot download apps without them approving through my phone. I have to be very careful about using this forum. I have to do it on my laptop as they have blocked me from deleting my search history.

    This morning my mother let my cats wander around the house at 6:30 which resulted in a lot of meowing and door scratching. Needless to say, I did not have a nice awakening, especially when I opened the door to a very grumpy looking cat who proceeded to turn around as soon as I opened the door and then left. Cats are funny things.

    Many thanks,

    April

  8. hello, hi, 😀
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    4 July 2020 in reply to ____

    Hi April,

    Wow, you have a test, first day back! That is horrible, your school sounds strict.

    We are currently doing linear relationships and probably have a test the week after the first week of term 3.

    Doing nothing is fun! I really think you should take a break from school and maybe you could study two days before the test. I understand what you mean about stressing out a heap when school starts, I do the same, lol. Especially if it is a new school year.

    I am really glad that you enjoy skating, that is really good and sounds really fun too. I can't ride a bike too lol. I can only ride a scooter, which isn't that hard, as my younger brother can do and he is 9 years younger than me. (That is sad for a 14yo, lol)

    Painting is fun, but I am not good at, it just like everything else. My parents don't allow me to have paint in the house because it is too "messy" and "a waste of time".

    Yeah, assessments do ruin the enjoyment and relaxation from art. As art shouldn't be assessed, because everyone has different perspectives on what art they like and all art is amazing. Art helps to escape reality and speaks a language that touches emotions and everyone can interpret. Do you have a favourite artist? My favourite artist is Banksy.

    I am really sorry that you won't see your PE teacher again, or not until next year. I really hope you get a good teacher too. :)

    I am really glad that yesterday was your last day of school! 15 hours a day of sleep is amazing! I don't really have a way to completely clear my mind, I guess I have to find a way, I feel like watching tv works sometimes. Walking is fun and really relaxing too, but my parents don't let go out of the house even before Covid-19 began. I am really glad you have a way to clear your mind, music is a good way!

    Please don't apologise, I really appreciate your help. :)

    Yesterday wasn't a good day for me and I used KHL yesterday, they asked the "are you having suicidal thoughts?" I don't know why but I lied and said "no". I just felt so uncomfortable talking to them about it.

    Today I woke up pretty late, lol. I helped out my mum clean the house. These holidays I have been tired out for no reason and having headaches each day, which is great. I really wish one day I won't wake up, just have a the end for me.

    How has your day been? I really hope you are doing well and having an amazing day too. :)

    I am really lucky to have a friend like you. Thank you for being here and being my friend.

    Warm wishes,

    Neerja

  9. hello, hi, 😀
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    4 July 2020 in reply to ____

    Hi April,

    My parents do the same thing with checking my phone all of the time. It's pretty much their phone lol.

    I use my laptop too and I have to use when they are away so they don't see, that's why sometimes my replies are late. I am really sorry.

    I don't what my parents would do if they found out I am using Beyond Blue forums.

    There is a website version for Beyond Now. Here's the link for it:

    https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/beyondnow-suicide-safety-planning/create-beyondnow-safety-plan

    Your cats sound really cute and funny! :)

    Warm wishes,

    Your friend,

    Neerja

  10. hello, hi, 😀
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    4 July 2020 in reply to Guest_1643

    Hi Sleepy21,

    Thank you for your kind words and support. :)

    I am really sorry your parents were similar.

    I hope you are doing well too.

    May each day be bright and joyful.

    Warm wishes,

    Neerja

    1 person found this helpful
  11. hello, hi, 😀
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    4 July 2020 in reply to Croix

    Hi Croix,

    I really hope that life changes one day. But I also wish that one day I won't wake up. I am sick of my life, to be honest.

    I don't know if I am deserving or whether I have a place in this world.

    I hope you and your family are doing well.

    Warm wishes,

    Neerja

  12. Guest_1643
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    4 July 2020

    Hi Neerja, How is 12 angry men going? I'd like to borrow it from the library and have a read myself!

    I found this article online about body image as I was thinking about some of the things you and April have been writing https://www.smh.com.au/lifestyle/health-and-wellness/don-t-tell-me-to-love-my-body-20180312-p4z3xi.html

    Sorry in advance if you don't like it - and i hope it's okay to post here. I liked it because I related to her feelings, and I admired how she writes openly about body image. She's a great australian writer.

    Hope you're warm and happy

  13. Guest_1643
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    4 July 2020 in reply to ____

    Hi April,

    how are you doing over the holidays? I think that's amazing that you can catch up on some sleep -

    I liked your idea of having music to keep the suicidal thoughts at bay. Sometimes in very intense silent moments (ie during yoga) i struggle with the thoughts more, also. It's a great idea to have a small distraction. Will you do some art over the holidays, or be going on walks? is it very cold where you are?

    I hope you have a good first week of holidays.... so happy you get a break from school and can have a bit more freedom :)

  14. ____
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    4 July 2020 in reply to hello, hi, 😀

    Hey Neerja,

    Firstly, thank you so much for the link. I've made one and emailed it to myself.

    Our school is not very strict. We were going to have the test yesterday but our teacher gave us an extra two weeks to study which I am very glad about. I won't study every day but I don't really want to forget about it then just non-stop study for two days so I think I might do it just a few times a week.

    You don't have to be good at painting to enjoy it. I don't think art is about being good, it's about expressing yourself, kind of like what you said. Could you ty something like meditation or yoga? You could try singing or just dancing to music. Do you enjoy reading?

    While it sucks that you didn't want to open up to the counsellor, I'm glad you can still tlk to me and other people on beyond blue about it. I find I'm able to talk to them about suicidal thoughts as I know they're not going to do anything as long as I'm not in immediate danger. The most they've done is ask if I want an ambulance because I was telling them about how it wouldn't matter if I died now or in 70 years because we're all going to die and it won't matter in the long run.

    Are you able to sleep okay or are you just tired for no reason? For headaches, I like to sit in my room and just close my eyes and breathe. Sometimes, the nothingness clears my mind and helps with the headache, other times it makes my suicidal thoughts worse. Just try to take it easy.

    I spent most of my day making a cake that turned out looking like it was made by a ten year old. It didn't taste awful though, so I think it was okay. I often get irrationally angry at the stupidest things. My laptop clicker thing messed up and I ended up hitting my laptop as hard as I could and crying. I feel like a toddler having tantrums over not getting a kinder surprise.

    How are you doing today? I hope your thoughts have dulled a bit, and maybe you feel okay about waking up. Often I wish I didn't have to wake up, but knowing I'll see your reply if I do helps me.

    I am very glad me being your friend makes you consider yourself lucky, and I sincerely hope I have been helpful.

    Thank you for your replies, they are all very helpful.

    April

  15. Croix
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    4 July 2020 in reply to hello, hi, 😀

    Dear Neerja~

    Do you have the website version of BeyondNow or do your parents allow it on your phone? Having to use a laptop so limits things. Some parental input is ok, even good, but so is trust and confidence a person will be sensible. Thank you for pointing it out to April.

    Having a place in the world changes, nobody has just one place. I was a schoolkid, policeman, uni teacher and now talk to others on the Forum. Each had down times and I've wondered.

    Your place ATM is in part as a helper here, plus also a person that has to work against all the harmful rubbish society throws at you, plus trying to cope with parents who were brought up themselves in a world where trust and confidence were lacking.

    That SMH link of yours says in part:

    ”If you’re even a tiny bit of a critical person, there are always things that are wrong with everything. We have this notion of love that is connected to perfectionism – the image that we should be in bliss all the time is so strong in our culture.”

    It is a good article and is talking about more than bodies.

    I said before I did not kow what you looked like on the outside, I’m seeing more and more of what is on the inside, and it is lovely.

    One day a person at school or later will not get up from you and go to another crowd. They will consistently stay. I doubt very much if you will be concerned about their looks. I'm not talking romance even, just friendship

    Maybe the reason you wonder about deserving to be here is because you do have to battle against thoughtless acquaintances, false body images everywhere and needing to cope and sometimes circumvent untrusting parents. They are things sensible people do, it is just you are dong it alone (except for here). Alone does not make you less deserving. In your way you help enrich the world.

    I dunno if this makes any sense, if not please tell me.

    Sumo is on the floor, on one side of a door wedged a little bit open, with Foxy Dog on the other side. Foxy is not very trustworthy with cats and Sumo is curious.

    (Both like walruses:)

    Croix



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  16. Croix
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    4 July 2020 in reply to ____

    Dear April~

    I've been OK, though isolation gets to me, I've only a couple of freinds and have not been able to see them, Zoom is not the same. We thought of having a Zoom dinner party, but it never went ahead, dunno why.

    You are right about cats. Sumo Cat is the only one at the moment and is so layed back sometimes one can't make the bed as he has not got up (this is lunchtime I'm talking). Others, like Nasty Cat would sit on the electric heater in the kitchen and pretend to be asleep, then slash out at anything that came in range (Zeppelin Dog and Foxy Dog had great respect for her and would walk the long-way round.

    Maybe your cat was just checking up on you, and went away as soon as saw you were there. Is that cat always grumpy?

    What to do in the holidays? The three things you have mentioned are OK are going for a walk, listening to music and art.

    I like Banksy too, is your balloon one from “Flying Balloon Girl”? (Not he one with the red balloon but bunch of black ones.) I like the girl on one side of a corner and a 200 liter drum with a fire in it around the corner. I've always wondered why she did not go to the heat.

    I like Eelus too.

    So enter an art competition, not to win, but just as an excuse to have piles of stuff you are working on (plus playing music)

    BTW what do you think of NF's Outcast? There have been times in my life it has reminded me of.

    Croix

  17. Emmen
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    5 July 2020 in reply to hello, hi, 😀

    Hi Neerja,

    Talk about a bad Sunday! I typed out a reply to you, only to accidentally close the window and lose everything! Let me see if I can recreate my entire message from memory.

    So the first thing I wanted to tell you was that being in a situation where you feel caged and lacking control in your life will distort the way you think about your life. It has nothing to do with you being dumb or stupid - it's the circumstances that are dumb and stupid. I felt ugly and flabby and doomed to fail in life during my teenage days, and on hindsight, I realised it was because the circumstances made me feel worthless. This applies to you too. It may be hard to see it now when you're in the midst of this awful situation, but you're most definitely, definitely worth so much more. Body image issues interestingly also relate to your circumstances because the lack of control over your own life, which you see as imperfect, may cause you to have standards for your body that are distorted. It did for me as well.

    You're making 12 Angry Men sound really appealing - I think I'll try to get hold of a copy of that book! Do you generally prefer reading or watching movies?

    Spending your day in the art room to get a break sounds like a great idea! Everyone needs some time to themselves where they can get a breather. I'm glad you've come up with this plan!

    Hope your weekends went well :)

    Cheers,
    M

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  18. ____
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    5 July 2020 in reply to Croix

    Hey Croix,

    Isolation is such a struggle for so many people. I will admit it hasn't affected what I do very much as I rarely went out prior to this. Could you try and reorganize the zoom dinner? It sounds fun.

    My cat is always quite grumpy. He does not like anyone in the household apart from me, most likely because I'm the one who feeds him and lets him drink from the bath. They are both very smart though, and use their intelligence for evil. Every time I go to make my bed, he hops onto it. He also has learnt that by guarding my room, he can catch me just before I sit down and get me to follow him around. He likes it when I follow him, I don't know why.

    Outcast is a beautiful song. Many of his songs really resonate with me. Hate Myself, Trauma and Paralyzed are some of his other songs that I can really relate to. Going to his concert was such an amazing experience and somehow, listening to a man rap about his mental health and being able to relate to him is so helpful.

    I think you may have meant to mentioned Banksy in your reply to Neerja. I believe you meant the art competition for Neerja as well as I am too much of a perfectionist to enter a competition without the goal of winning it. I am currently in an art class at my school and everyone else in it is amazing at art. I am not. They often walk past me to grab paint or a canvas and every time I have to awkwardly cover my work as much as possible.

    I've realized I don't want people to tell me I'm smart or tell me I'm good at art. I want them to not lie and instead say 'you're not good at art but that's okay' because it is okay.

    April

  19. ____
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    5 July 2020 in reply to Guest_1643

    Hey Sleepy21

    How are you?

    I am glad to be on holidays, although all the free time has meant I've had too much time to think and today I realised I don't have a personality anymore. I don't really know what to do other than just take everything one day at a time.

    It is annoyingly hot for the middle of winter. I was looking forward to wearing hoodies outside but perhaps not. This happens every year. I get excited for the cold but it never comes.

    I am glad I have the freedom too, I just need to find a way to spend it!

    April

  20. Croix
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    5 July 2020 in reply to ____

    Dear April,

    You were right but Banksy has painted girl with balloons like yours, though now I've seen Hate Myself I know were they come from -I guess it is a symbolic idea more than one use. Perhaps you might like Banksy too, if you do not know of the works already.

    Drinking from hte bath sounds a perilous operation for a cat if there are slippery sides, can he swim? We had a Siamese that could, though that was while ago now, only too cool off though .

    The Zoom dinner did not go ahead because everyone could not cook at the same time, so we just chatted bit. Hopefully we will have real dinner soon.

  21. Croix
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    5 July 2020 in reply to ____

    Sigh, my post posted itself before I finished,so I'll continue...

    I was wondering about art and why you said others were amazing, though I agree false praise makes things irksome.

    Yours may not be OK - to others, it may not be OK to you , but in that case there is a reason, maybe you are exceeding your skills in a particular medium, pencil and paper for instance, or maybe you do not end up saying what you want and have to try a different approach.

    I found a pastiche of existing photo clips worked best for me, once I had enough photos a thought would emerge and I'd try to make it by cutting digital sections out of each photo, trying to make longing , or contentment or some other idea. One was of a long wide beach that took up almost all the image, with a small figure in the center by the water's edge facing inland, "Overwhelmed". As I can't draw it was a way that did not remind me of what I could not do.

    The settings for all NFs songs you mentioned are varied, still prefer Outcast, I find the clip visuals so close to what he is saying and what I've felt, then again that's just me. Do you have one closest?

    That cat of yours has character, and probably thinks having staff following him is status:)

    Croix

  22. hello, hi, 😀
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    6 July 2020 in reply to Guest_1643

    Hi Sleepy21,

    Yesterday, I finished 12 Angry Men. It was beautifully written. It shows a representation of how prejudice can impact our perception towards others and our decision making. It shows how sometimes you shouldn't follow the majority, choose your own path and let the majority follow you. The experience of reading this book becomes even better if you watch the movie whilst reading.
    I really enjoyed this book, I think you will enjoy it too! But I still want to know who was the actual defendant of the crime. I guess it is open to our interpretation, lol.

    I really liked the article! I love how the author ended the article, it was so powerful.

    How has today been for you?

    I hope you are doing well.

    Warm wishes,

    Neerja

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  23. hello, hi, 😀
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    6 July 2020 in reply to ____

    Hi April,

    I am really sorry for the late reply.

    Wow, an extra two weeks is really good! Lol, my teachers will make the test early so they can mark it during the holidays. That is a really good idea to study for the test a few times a week!

    I enjoy reading sometimes (depends on my mood lol), but I don't really have many books in my house. My parents don't see the point in buying books. I know this is going to sound stupid, relaxing increases my suicidal thoughts.

    Do you enjoy reading?

    I feel comfortable talking here because I know that you and other people here have gone/going through similar things, I feel safe. Thank you so much for being here. :).

    I find it hard talking about my suicidal thoughts because I am just paranoid that they will reach me, call an ambulance or somehow contact my parents. Just like my school counsellor.

    I agree death won't matter in the long run. I am praying every day for God to take me, I am sick of life. No one will even notice I am gone.

    I am just tired for no reason, lol. But there are times where I can't sleep and spend hours staring at a wall.

    Closing eyes and focusing on breathing is a really good idea, I am going to try it. Thank you :)

    Lol, my parents will never give me my own room and we have 3 empty rooms.

    I bet your cake looked and tasted amazing! And not like a 10-year-old. I wanted to say, it is normal to feel frustrated and it is not like throwing tantrum. Sometimes with all the things going through, people may feel overwhelmed and feel angry and irritated. I always get angry at the stupidest things too.

    I think you are much more courageous, awesome at baking and an amazing person than you think you are. I think you are a wonderful person and we need more people like you!

    Is your laptop working better?

    How are you doing today? I really hope you are doing well.

    The suicidal thoughts are the same, but yesterday they were higher than today. Seeing your reply, really helps me too.

    Thank you for being here and being my friend. Your replies are really helpful. Your kindness and compassion makes me feel less alone.

    May each day be bright, filled with happiness and laughter and wellness.

    Warm wishes,

    Your friend,

    Neerja

  24. hello, hi, 😀
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    hello, hi, 😀 avatar
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    6 July 2020 in reply to Croix

    Hi Croix,

    I have the website version, although most of the questions I left blank because I didn't know how to answer them. If my parents saw me have the app, they will call me "mental and crazy" and say "are you serious? we buy you so many things and you are thinking of death and downloaded this app. I wonder what would have you done if we didn't buy you anything." "That's why you need psychologist help, oh my children are mental." I am sick of hearing these things, so its best I just hide things from them.

    Wow, you were a policeman and a uni teacher! That is amazing!

    The article was really good.

    But criticising myself helps me. It reminds me to not enjoy things, to not be positive and to not give myself hope, which is good and I think helpful as it makes me aware of what a trash person I am. I deserve to blame or criticize myself, with all the mistakes I have made, with the way I am and other stuff that has happened because of me. But thanks for your kind words.

    Maybe I might find a close friend later on.

    This feeling of loneliness is painful and at times overwhelming.

    It made sense. Thank you for your kindness.

    Your pets sound cute. I really love the names you have given them. Sumo Cat and Foxy Dog both sound awesome!

    How many pets do you have?

    I hope you, your family and pets are doing well.

    Warm wishes,

    Neerja

  25. hello, hi, 😀
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    hello, hi, 😀 avatar
    537 posts
    6 July 2020 in reply to Emmen

    Hi M,

    That is annoying when your entire post deletes.

    Me being dumb or stupid could impact the amount my parents trust me. It impacts how people treat me.

    Sometimes it is hard to cope with these circumstances.

    Did you have suicidal thoughts too?

    I think you will really enjoy 12 Angry Men. I like movies if it is a play, like 12 Angry Men but I prefer reading books more as you can use your own imaginations for the descriptions in the book. What do you prefer, books or movies?

    I just want to have some time away from my 'friends'.

    How are you going?

    I hope you and your family are doing well.

    Warm wishes,

    Neerja

  26. Croix
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    Croix avatar
    11073 posts
    6 July 2020 in reply to hello, hi, 😀

    Dear Neerja~

    I'm glad you enjoyed hte book, htat is waht they are there for, thogh as time goes on hte audience shifts and htey become too strange to be enjoyed.

    the defendant was

    " a nineteen-year-old Hispanic youth from the slums who is charged with first degree murder of his father."

    In the book, TV show, stage play and subsequent films I think I remember he is intended to be innocent, but like the jurors, the audoence of he time wold have been quick to jump to hte wrong conclusion, so it is a journey for everyone.

  27. Croix
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    6 July 2020 in reply to Croix

    -sigh again, internet jumped before I finished and edited.

    Nobody can read 12 Angry men, understand the mindsets of the jurors and be stupid. Sorry, have to disagree.

    Yes I was a cop, then tutor and lecturer. A long life but do not forget how it has been.

    I don't think anyone can fill in all the blanks in Beyondnow by themselves, I could not and the answers only became apparent as time went on -and in my case with help from another who could see "me" when I could not.

    Books come free from libraries (even on-line, as well as audiobooks (free) from such place a Librivox

    https://librivox.org/

    who have around 14,000, all public domain and downloadable no charge. I listen to science fiction/fantasy.

    Might be a way of reading without your parents buying. I know you said that reading might increase suicidal thoughts as you relaxed. Is that every kind or just some?

    All our animals get names, and eventually they come to think of themselves as human (or better in the case of cats). They all have their characters and personal preferences though there is always a pecking order.

    The electric heater in the kitchen is the favorite possie. You can sit on it, keep warm and see what everyone is up to (the TV is on top of the fridge so we spend a bit of time there). Plus if you have nasty disposition you can swipe passers-by.

    Since Nasty-Cat has passed on up to that big electric heater in cat heaven we have not been to animal rescue to find another, but this is due to COVID, not preference.

    Animals help make a house a home. We used to have orphaned wallabies for a long time, however in the end cost (particularly fencing to keep them in and everything else out) got too expensive. Now they were bad-tempered and often had scraps to see who was top-wallably.

    Only with each other though . Used to jump up on my table to be scratched (and see what I was eating/drinking:) The last one was called Thistle Hopper because she was so prickly.

    Croix

  28. Emmen
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    Emmen avatar
    390 posts
    7 July 2020 in reply to hello, hi, 😀

    Hello Neerja,

    Reading to your replies to April and Croix, there were two things that really gave me goosebumps because that was exactly what I used to do and think during those days as well -

    I am praying every day for God to take me, I am sick of life. No one will even notice I am gone.

    But criticising myself helps me. It reminds me to not enjoy things, to not be positive and to not give myself hope, which is good and I think helpful as it makes me aware of what a trash person I am. I deserve to blame or criticize myself, with all the mistakes I have made, with the way I am and other stuff that has happened because of me.

    I know that feeling of wanting everything to end because you feel your life is trash and that in some way, you are to blame for your circumstances. And it's really hard when people tell you otherwise, when you cannot see any light in life at all. I suppose this is why I think it's important for you to have a goal (or an "escape plan" of sorts - e.g. think of the life you want to have and plan how you're going to achieve it). It's a form of hope, but not as "fluff"-ish because it's something you can actually focus your mind on achieving. Your life may feel like trash today, but one day in the future, you could be the reason someone else feels loved and supported. Isn't that a good reason to keep living? The future is yours to make, and you certainly sound like a person who'd give a lot of comfort to the people around her, as you are doing in this forum. So please remember to also see this positive side of you and remind yourself that there is a lot more to you than the upsetting circumstances you're in. You deserve far better things in life; the fact that you are living with this doesn't mean it's because you were a bad person.

    I thought of borrowing 12 Angry Men, but then I chanced upon Love in the Time of Cholera. The title seemed interesting since...well, we are living in pandemic times. I've heard that novel was also made into a film, so I'll see if I feel like watching it when I'm done with the book. I generally prefer reading but for the past few years, I've not even found the time to read much!

    Cheers,
    M

  29. Emmen
    Champion Alumni
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    Emmen avatar
    390 posts
    7 July 2020 in reply to ____

    Hello April,

    What makes you think you are not good at art or not smart? It's certainly okay to be not good at art or not smart, but if someone thinks you are good, why do you disbelieve them? Things like art are subjective - one person may think a certain artwork is really good while another might hate it...

    I see Croix is talking about Banksy. May I use this opportunity to introduce an artist I've recently discovered - she's pretty amazing since she illustrates mental health struggles. Think you and Neerja may like it. Check out Spectator Jonze: https://spectatorjonze.com/illustrations/ 

    Cheers,
    M

  30. ____
    ____ avatar
    68 posts
    7 July 2020 in reply to Croix

    Hi Croix,

    How are you?

    I like the way balloons can mean anything. To NF, they symbolise his burdens, anything that gives him grief, and they formally represent drug addiction, however to many, they symbolize freedom. I'll be honest, before I had heard of NF, all they meant to me was thin plastic balls filled with spit and air.

    I now realize that it sounds like I'm allowing my cat to drown himself. The bath is not filled with water and the plug is not in so he doesn't have to worry about falling, however somehow he manages to get his entire body soaking wet and tracks little paw prints all through the house.

    I like the idea of putting photos together. I don't have many but I could walk to the shops and print some. Being the person I am, my first thought was 'I'm bad at cutting things out' which is just stupid becuase why on earth does that matter?

    I am not one for music videos, however I may take a look. I like to interpret songs in my own way. A song I like 'Affection' by scruffpuppie is completely different to the way I see it. Affection is about someone in a relationship who does not want to leave, but no longer feels affection. The way I see it is someone who wants to die but is scared to leave. It's dumb but I like doing it.

    April

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