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Forums / Suicidal thoughts and self-harm / I want to ask for help

Topic: I want to ask for help

  1. ____
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    7 July 2020 in reply to hello, hi, 😀

    Hey Neerja,

    I know what you mean about relaxing too much. If my mind isn't focused on something, it immediately switches to thinking about suicide. When I read, I also listen to music and fiddle with something. This is going to sound absolutely ridiculous, but vigorous exercise makes the suicidal thoughts much duller. I go to the gym three times a week and while I'm there, I don't think. I can't because all my energy is focused on breathing and trying not to fly straight off the treadmill. The gym isn't necessary. You can run on the spot or do star jumps. I don't know if it would work for you, but my point is there might be something that takes your mind off it, even just for a moment.

    I would like to point out a mistake. You stated that no one will notice when you are gone. I know that to you, I'm just words on a screen limited to 2500 characters, but I can promise you, if you died, I would be heartbroken, and I'm sure a lot of other people on this thread would be too. I am not trying to guilt you into staying alive. I am trying to tell you that you mean something. I 'met you' (dunno how else to word that) less than a month ago and knowing that I can just turn on my laptop and talk to you makes me feel so much less lonely.

    I'm glad you trust my baking, even though you've never seen it. I do't really know how I'm doing. Every couple of minutes my mood changes. I am happy right now though as I know I'm going to be able to read your response soon.

    Sending you happiness, and I hope you feel a bit better

    Your good friend

    April

  2. ____
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    68 posts
    7 July 2020 in reply to Emmen

    Hey M,

    I don't think people ever genuinely say 'wow that is really good'. It's just the polite thing to do. I can do a zero effort painting and submit it for art and the teacher will tell me it's very good. Art is not something you can tell people they are bad at. It's easy to know if you're good at maths. You either get the question right or wrong. In art, it's not as simple as good or bad, as you said they are subjective.

    For my art portfolio I have to mention two artists I like. I might use Banksy and spectator jonze. I like the colour she uses and her art is very interesting. I'll take a better look at it in the morning.

    Many thanks,

    April

  3. Croix
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    8 July 2020 in reply to ____

    Dear April~

    As usual I think about the songs people mention, look at the video and more importantly the lyrics. I came to the conclusion if there was nothing to hold one in that relationship they would go. The same in life. You may not recognize why but if there was nothing here you would be gone.

    Does that sort of make sense?.]

    Even a pesky cat leaving wet paw print is something. I'm glad the bath was not full BTW :)

    Cutting out pictures, the way you do it is part of the art, immaculate exact cutting and ragged hasty strokes each say something.

    I always used to teach maths type subjects and programming becuse you can tell straight away if they are right, which in a way is the easy way out, instant certainty. Maybe I needed that after the police.

    Art is only partly what you intend and manage to make, why am I telling you?

    It is a two person exchange, maybe like an argument, and what they get out might not be what you intentionally put in. So saying "yes that's very good" is meaningless. If it was "that makes me really mad" or "that reminds me of a wonderful encounter" that is meaningful and worth saying. (So is saying "it does nothing for me", after all there are so many more billion in the potential audience.

    Sumo Cat has gone to bed because it is late (cats do have a bed-time in the clock in their furry little heads), and the fire is down to embers and the cold starting to seep in (-4 outside ATM)

    So I'm off too

    Goodnight April

  4. hello, hi, 😀
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    8 July 2020 in reply to Croix

    Hi Croix,

    I thought the boy was innocent as he came back 3 hours later the father was killed, the way the cut was made was from an underarm technique which could not have been done with the knife he had, the testimonies were not that accurate and there was other evidence. Also with all of the prejudice, I was leaning more towards the innocent side. Wow, I didn't think he was guilty.

    Do you have a favourite book?

    You did do a lot of different vocations, I think that is amazing! Which one was your favourite?

    You are right about the BeyondNow questions, they are really hard to fill out alone.

    I will definitely use Librivox, thank you for telling me about, now I don't have to buy books.

    I think it depends on my mood, lol. When I have had a bad day and relax, it increases my suicidal thoughts. When I have had an alright day, its ok and I easily get distracted from those thoughts. I know this sounds stupid.

    I love the way you choose creative and relevant names for your pets, Thistle Hopper, is such a good name! I think it is amazing and wonderful that you rescue animals! You are so right in saying animals help make a house a home. Haha, bad-tempered wallabies also have competition!

    I don't have any pets, but hearing about your pets really makes me smile.

    Hope you and your family and all of your pets are doing well.

    Warm wishes,

    Neerja

    Thanks again :)

  5. hello, hi, 😀
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    8 July 2020 in reply to Emmen

    Hi M,

    I really do want everything to come to an end.

    I like your idea of an "escape plan", but what if I don't have a future.

    I feel like a bad person, because of all of the mistakes I have made, the feeling of loneliness outside these forums, the weak relationships with my parents and the other things.

    But thank you for understanding and I like the idea of an escape plan.

    I never heard of Love in the Time of Cholera, it does sound like a good book. When you finish, I would love to know how it goes and what it is about! Reading does take a lot of time. I am really slow reader lol.

    Do you have a favourite book?

    Hope you and your family are doing well.

    Warm wishes,

    Neerja

    Thanks again

  6. hello, hi, 😀
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    8 July 2020 in reply to ____

    Hi April,

    I am really glad to have a friend like you. To be honest, you are one of my true friends and our friendship is nothing like my past friendships. I know I have said this so many times, but I think you are an amazing person. You are more than just words on a screen.

    I think when people say 'wow that is really good', some people who say it, genuinely mean it. (whenever I say I mean it :) But sometimes people do say it to be nice

    I wanted to say I think it is amazing that you can take one song and form multiple interpretations on it. Not many people can do that, you are unique! I can add another thing in April's Amazingness List. I know that sounds cringy, but I really think you are wonderful.

    I understand what you mean about not being focused on a particular thing and leading to the suicidal thoughts to be brought up back on the surface. I really like how you do multiple things to be focused, I will try it. Thank you for telling me about it. :)

    It does not sound ridiculous, I am glad that you go to the gym to distract yourself. I love how you said that your mind is focused on trying not to fly straight off the treadmill. :)

    I have a treadmill at home, but I don't know if it helps me. I think I will have to keep searching to find the thing that distracts me. I used to go to basketball training and game, also swimming. It distracted me because I was under pressure, lol. But I took a break towards the end last year and I just couldn't get myself back to the basketball court or the swimming pool. I still can't, the break was supposed to be for a short period of time but now it has lasted over 7 months. Haha, I am lazy.

    Thank you for being so kind. I know that you are not trying to guilt me to stay alive. It's just I am sick of it, sick of living, sick of everything.

    But, we 'met' less than a month ago and our friendship has become so strong and I wanted to thank you for being here and being my friend. You make me feel less lonely too. :)

    I definitely trust your baking. If I can burn a frozen pizza... You probably won't trust my baking, lol.

    I am sorry your mood changes every couple of minutes, it must be hard. But I am glad you are happy right now, I feel happy right now too. Seeing your response makes me happy. :)

    Thank you for your kind words. I am really sorry if I triggered anything.

    How was today been for you? How are you feeling?

    I hope you are doing well and hope each day is bright, filled with happiness and sunshine.

    Your friend,

    Neerja

  7. Croix
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    8 July 2020 in reply to hello, hi, 😀

    Dear Neerja~

    I don't think you triggered April I think it was just the way things were. What do you think April?

    You were right about the defendant, plus there was a lot of violence in the area, so there were many possibilities other than him.

    You mentioned you were a slow reader, in which case maybe LibriVox might be best as they use audio books. Sometimes several copies of the one book. If that's the case you sample them and pick the one with the best reading voice.

    I'm not sure I have a favorite book, basically because it depends on my mood, as I have several sitting round half-finished, and pick up the one that most suits my how I feel.

    If you wanted another book+movie combination I'll offer something completely different, "The Ghost in the Shell" a manga comic, an animated film and a 2017 live action film with Scarlett Johansson too. Lots of interpretations to think about

    Yes all our animals have names becuse they all are thinking beings with their own characters. We called all the wallabies xxxx Hopper like we have xxx Cat and xxx Dog

    I remember Khan and Kotic, they were Siamese cats and learned if Kotick jumped up to one of the old-fashioned press down door handles and patted it with her paw while Khan scrabbled at the base they could open the door between them.

    Here is a snippet from Khan's life:

    https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/staying-well/store-your-happy-memories-here-/page/2

    One of the reasons I talk to you about manga and films and pets is to let you know there is a better life out there, and it can have you in it. (Sorry for the lecture)

    I think Emmen's peace dove might need to go on a diet. Her escape plan does work, it's just hard to see when you are in the tunnel. Imagine a world where you can have pets, or rescue animals. Not too far fetched is it?

    A kid is not weak if they can't change and improve their parents, it simply shows the parent's don't listen.

    Why not have another go at a pizza? I used to burn or undertook them til I used a timer and was careful setting the temperature and always using the same shelf.

    Croix

  8. Croix
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    8 July 2020 in reply to ____

    Dear April~

    What did you think of Spectator Jonze?

    BTW waht is an art portfolio, a collection of things you like?

    Croix

  9. Guest_1643
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    8 July 2020 in reply to ____

    Hi April,

    How was your day? I'm sorry you're finding the holidays challenging with more time to think.
    Re hoodies... reminded me when I lived in America when I was 19 and one thing I liked about it was that I didn't have to think about what I would wear - no one would hardly see your outfits (or even your body) during the winter months, you'd be completely hidden under a huge puffy coat. That was actually something I loved. I don't know if you like the cosiness and covering elements of hoodies, or if I got that wrong?

    It is hard to feel like one's persnality is slipping away... i understand that feeling too. I'm sorry you see yourself that way. i think that's common with feeling down, but I don't think anyone here sees you that way...you give a lot and have interesting things to share.

    Hope you're keeping well in the annoyingly not yet cool weather, and that the holidays are going well

  10. Emmen
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    9 July 2020 in reply to ____

    Hey April,

    That's true, there is no absolutes in art. To be honest, I got through my art lessons in school by coming up with stories about the "artwork"...lucky for me my teachers believed that my blue paper with a circle was supposed to mean something. That was years before I finally started learning how to do visual art.

    I'm so glad I helped you out in your assignment! I'm curious as is Croix - what did you think of her art?

    Cheers,
    M

  11. Emmen
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    9 July 2020 in reply to hello, hi, 😀

    Hello Neerja,

    Everybody has a future. The question is whether it'll be something we like...and that's partly up to us to decide. It's like as Croix says, when you're in the tunnel, it's hard to see where it ends. But with each step, you are closer to coming out of it. I guess that's where belief comes in. You cannot perceive it with your senses, but you have to believe in the space outside that tunnel.

    We all make mistakes, and terrible ones at that. But the important thing is that we recognise that mistakes are not deliberate. We move on and learn from it. And we try not to repeat the same mistakes. When you have controlling parents, it may be hard to accept this about mistakes since we're often put in a position where we're prevented from making any mistakes in the first place. So every time we do make a mistake, we think it's terrible and it haunts us. On the other hand, if you had absolute freedom, you'd make far more mistakes in life and you'll learn how to treat these as just things to move on from. I hope this makes sense.

    The feeling of loneliness outside these forums and your relationship with your parents are not your fault in any way. Circumstances have just made it such, you can't blame yourself for things you have no/little control over. Also, your loneliness and a weak relationship with your parents does not mean it will always remain that way. Give yourself a chance - this is why the future matters!

    I'm making very slow progress with the book, but 20 pages in, I haven't gotten bored of it yet. My favourite book is...it's a series. Harry Potter! I used to dream I could be attend Hogwarts and magic my way out of things. What about you? What do you do that makes you happy?

    Croix makes very good points but my dove is a little offended at his suggestion that it should go on a diet. It tells me that it simply ate too many rainbows that day - yes, that's why it's so colourful!

    Cheers,
    M

  12. ____
    ____ avatar
    68 posts
    9 July 2020 in reply to Croix

    Hey Croix,

    I don't really understand what you mean sorry.

    I might try skateboarding again but I often can't get myself out of bed and I don't understand why. How can I get outside and on a skateboard when just moving is an effort. It's not that I have sore muscles, just that I can't bring myself to move.

    I have a prescription for antidepressants but I never take them. They make me feel fake happy. Like I'm kind of happy but I still want to die. Sometimes they just make me numb. The fake happy is the worst though. I realize how good I have it and I don't understand the overwhelming urge to off myself.

    As you said 'that's really good' is meaningless. I can't seem to do anything meaningful. My art just looks like paint. I even tried writing music (not lyrics, i don't know if I could do that, I was just messing around on an app) and it just sounded like... well, sounds. I on't know if I could bring meaning to photos.

    My cats understand the concept of bed-time better than me. My cats go to sleep, and my brain decides it's time to think too much about everything. Cats are very peaceful when they're not meowing or pooping in the dining room (that was fun to clean up). I like the little smile they do and the way they curl their paws and stretch them, which hurts like hell if they're holding your arm.

    I found Spectator Jonze very different to most of the artists I've seen. She (i'm pretty sure it's a woman) is very talented. I don't really know how to interpret her art. I'm not very good at seeing meaning. In year 6 we went to an art gallery and I was unable to see meaning in many paintings. How do blobs of colour represent emotions? One painting was a bunch of lines and a smiley face. Seeing that, I reckon I could just paint random stuff and tell people it means things.

    Also an art portfolio is just something we do for art to track the progress of creating a piece and we talk about who inspires us. Most people hate it, but I like it because when I'm on my laptop in art, no one sees my work.

    How are you? I hope you're well.

    April

  13. ____
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    9 July 2020 in reply to hello, hi, 😀

    Hey Neerja,
    You are probably the nicest friend I've had. Thank you for being so kind!! I'm very glad you feel less lonely. I sincerely hope you know how much you've helped me. I'll be stressing out or feeling awful and I know I can just talk to you. You understand me and you are so sweet and supportive.

    I'm glad you see my interpretation of songs as a good thing. There's nothing wrong with cringey, cringey can be good.

    Do you know the feeling when you get off a treadmill and it feels like you're walking really fast because you've been walking nowhere for ages? I like that feeling. It's entertaining. I don't know why I'm telling you about this but it's just a small thing that makes me happy. I think small things are so important.

    I am really trying to find something to take my mind off things like you. Earlier in this thread, someone put in a link for a list of stuff to do. A lot of it is just small things. I only have a few minutes to finish writing this so I won't be able to find this for you now (this thread is seven pages!!!) but I can have a look in the morning if you don't find it.
    You're not being lazy. It's hard to find motivation after a long break.

    Today I ruined mousse. Absolutely curdled it. I'm not always good at baking, and I was terrible when I started. I just did it a lot. I've memorised my cookie recipe because I've done it so many times, ad I still mess it up. HEAPS.

    The mood swings I can deal with, and it's much easier when I'm talking to you guys. I'm glad reading my responses makes you happy. Usually while writing to you I'm quite happy but right now I am quite worried my dad will come and see me on my laptop way past my bedtime.

    You are not being triggering. You've been nothing but kind and helpful and I hope I can be the same for you.

    Sending good vibes, energy, and whatever other good stuff exists.

    Your (no longer lonely) friend

    April

  14. ____
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    10 July 2020 in reply to Guest_1643

    Hi Sleepy21

    I think my day was pretty productive. I made a mint slice and went to the gym which is more than I usually do in a day. How was your day?

    I like the way I can hide in a hoodie and can hide. It's also such a nice feeling to be outside in the cold but feeling warm.

    My personality changes dramatically around different people. I've been told this is a normal thing, but when I'm around two people who I acted completely different around, I can't say anything because around one, I act like a sweet person who's never done anything wrong and around the other I act like some sort of 'cool rebellious' kid. I don't know which is my real personality, or if I have one. Almost everything I do is to please someone so they don't get annoyed by me or weirded out and leave. I constantly fear that you guys will read something I've written and hate me for it. It's stupid i know. I shouldn't pretend to be someone I'm not to make people my friends.

    Sorry for turning that into such a long rant.

    What's the weather like where you are? Is it nice?

    Many thanks

    April

  15. ____
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    10 July 2020 in reply to Emmen

    Hey M,

    How are you?

    My art elective is called 'visual art'. I do the same thing you did, and I think I can say I'm good at bringing fake meaning to splatters of paint. I don't at all understand how people portray emotion through art, nor do I think I will ever be able to. Most of my art is just tutorials from google, I have never actually made something of my own which I only just realised now.

    Her art is very cool and I like how she uses people. I'm not good at understanding art so unfortunately I can't appreciate it for more than just the look of it. I really struggle to see emotion unless it's fully spelled out to me. Could you maybe describe a piece? I really want to understand it. Sorry for not being able to tell you much about what I thought.

    Many thanks

    April

  16. hello, hi, 😀
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    11 July 2020 in reply to Croix

    Hi Croix,

    I really enjoyed reading Khan's snippet of his biography! You write amazingly, I think you would make a wonderful writer. The way you described the moments, made me feel like I was there.

    Khan and Kotic sound so cute, they make an amazing door opening army!

    LibriVox sounds really good, I definitely going to use it! "The Ghost in the Shell", sounds good. Can I find it on LibriVox too?

    You are right about mood impacting the books you are interested in reading, I think many people don't have a favourite book, maybe multiple books though. I really like Matilda by Ronald Dahl, Pieces of Sky by Trinity Doyle and Faceless by Alyssa B. Sheinmel. Ronald Dahl's books timeless classics.

    I don't think it was a lecture and please don't apologise. I understand what you mean the better life out there, but right now I don't feel it. Right now, I am just sick of life and want to end it. But hearing about your pets makes me feel happy.

    "Emmen's peace dove might need to go on a diet" That made me laugh.

    I guess you are right about parent's not listening.

    Yesterday, I had another go at the pizza but it was a little overcooked but still edible which was good. I like the idea of using a timer, carefully setting the temperature and using the same shelf each time. The next time I try I will do it. Hopefully, I don't burn another pizza.

    Hope you, your family and your pets are doing well.

    Warm wishes,

    Neerja

  17. hello, hi, 😀
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    11 July 2020 in reply to Emmen

    Hi M,

    The reason why I don't feel like I have a future is that I don't know how long I will keep going. I like the tunnel analogy.

    I have made really stupid mistakes, mistakes that can't be reversed. I'm a horrible person. If anyone here ever met me in real life, no one would like me. But I will try not to ever repeat the same mistakes. You are so right about mistakes haunting us. I feel that way. Whatever I do, I keep on remembering my mistakes. I understand what you mean about the correlation between the perception towards mistakes and the position some is in.

    I don't think my parents will ever understand me and our relationship will ever improve. I know that in a few years they will have a divorce, I think that will ruin our relationship even more. My dad will be always at work or on his phone, ignoring me. My mum will be with my younger brother all day and whenever she will talk to me, she will yell at me all of the time.

    Myself doesn't deserve a chance.

    I am glad you haven't gotten bored with the book, that is good. I find it hard to not get bored, usually, I read a few pages of the books in my school library and leave them there, lol. It takes me a while to choose one. I have never read Harry Potter, I read a few pages but didn't really enjoy it. But I am glad you really enjoy reading Harry Potter, I like that there are many books that build on each other.

    I don't know what makes me happy. I think maybe if I get an ok school report, so I don't have to face my parents being annoyed.

    I love how you said "my dove is a little offended at his suggestion that it should go on a diet. It tells me that it simply ate too many rainbows that day - yes, that's why it's so colourful!" That made me laugh. :)

    I hope you, your family and your dove are doing well.

    Warm wishes,

    Neerja

  18. hello, hi, 😀
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    11 July 2020 in reply to ____

    Hi April,

    You are the nicest friend I have ever had. I feel the same, whenever I am down or feeling any emotion I know there is someone there to understand listen and to my rants, lol. Thank you for being so kind, listening and being my friend and being here. To be honest, I can't thank you enough. :)

    I am glad that feel that there is nothing wrong with cringy. In my school, people use it as an insult to show that they are strong/emotionless and say this each other all of the time "ew that is so cringy, are you serious?". I find that childish. One time there was this person, a few years older than us, and her mother was giving her daughter a hug, she pushed her away and said: "that is so cringy, I am getting older now I am not a kid anymore. Are you serious?" I felt a bit sad for her mother.

    I feel that feeling too of walking really fast because you've been walking nowhere for ages. It's funny. You are so right in saying small things are important. Like someone giving you a smile can make your day. But also someone giving you a bad look or ignoring you can break your day as well.

    I never realised that this thread is 7 pages! Happy seventh birthday thread! Talking to you here takes my mind off things and I can easily share things with you and feel mentally lighter.

    I am glad that you understand about finding motivation after a long break.Before, I would do anything to play basketball. I played before school, during school breaks and after school. Sometimes people I never met before joined me. But now I can't do anything to make myself play basketball. I hardly do any exercise. Before I used to go to the park with my parents, but social anxiety took over and I stay home all day. I find it really hard to talk to people face to face, I freeze and hardly participate in class.

    Its ok to mess up, I think it is amazing that you keep going and are resilient towards baking. One day you will have your own baking show!

    I hope you never get caught by your father. I usually have to find somewhere during the day to write when my parents are doing their work or with my younger brother. Do you have siblings? I have to share a room with my mum and my brother, so I can't do it then. Do you like having your own room?

    That's a relief I haven't triggered anything, I was scared that me talking about death and stuff would impact you. I don't want that, I had been feeling guilty for a while.

    You have been really kind and helpful to me. We need more people like you.

  19. hello, hi, 😀
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    11 July 2020 in reply to ____

    Oops I clicked on 'post this reply' before I finished.

    I want to ask how are you going? Are doing ok?

    May each day be filled with happiness, brightness and wellness.

    Thank you for being my friend and being so kind, understanding, compassionate and helpful.

    I hope you and your pets are doing well.

    Warm wishes,

    Your (also no longer lonely) friend, :)

    Neerja

  20. ____
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    13 July 2020

    Hey Neerja,

    It's quite sad that being vulnerable or having emotions is seen as cringey and weird. It shouldn't be wrong to express how you feel.

    People smiling means so much, and I would much rather focus on that than the negative which is what I tend to do. One kid in the year below me makes a face every time he sees me and I've decided that I don't care, it's funny watching him make a fool of himself thinking he's hurting me with his sour expressions and strutting away, but it makes my day. I don't know why it doesn't hurt me, but I'm glad it doesn't.

    I used to do a lot of running. I ran 5k every saturday, 10k every tuesday and little bits in between. One week, I decided not to go. The next week I thought nah, I can just skip it this week. That continued for a month until I gave up, and now I can barely run 100m. I am very good at giving up. It's my special talent. Yesterday I was sick of being unable to plait or braid my own hair so I watched a tutorial and spent a good 30 seconds trying and realised, no! I can't do this, and I went back to bed.

    I'm glad you'll think I'll have a baking show. It'll be like that one on Netflix, 'Cake Fails'. I think I'd be very good at it.

    I have an older sister but most of the time she's out drinking or working. She might be moving out next year which I really don't want. I actually like her sometimes and usually we share the load of getting in trouble. Once she's gone, I'll be the only one left to blame. Having my own room is nice, but I can't really use it very much. I'm not allowed any devices in my room so like you, I have to do most of my writing when people are away.

    We're both talking about death and things like that so don't worry. This thread is in a section about suicidal thoughts. Last night I watched a video called 'my suicide attempt' and managed to trigger myself because it was quite in depth. It wasn't a smart idea.

    I'm doing okay I think. I'm pretty bored, but yesterday I went for a walk which took up 2 hours. Other than that, I haven't been doing much at all. What about you? Are your death thoughts any better?

    I noticed in a post you sent to M (sorry) you said you have made mistakes that haunt you. I'm the same. I have made so many mistakes that I don't know how I can live with. I have never told anyone, and I don't plan on it.

    Thank you for helping me in so many ways.

    Sending happiness and good vibes

    Your good friend

    April

  21. hello, hi, 😀
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    13 July 2020 in reply to ____

    Hi April,

    My school is pretty judgemental, lol.

    I am really really really really glad that someone's intentional sour expressions don't hurt you but actually make your day!!!!!!!!!! I think that is amazing that you see it in a way that he is making a fool of himself. I wish I could do that, I usually let those things ruin my day lol.

    WOW!!!! Over 15K a week!!!!!! But you go to the gym which makes up for the 15k.

    I can't braid my hair either. One time I tried, I lost a lot of hair and it was full of tangles, so I gave up. Giving up is my special talent too. I just remembered something, you are so resilient in baking, you keep baking. I don't think giving up is your special talent. I think it is resilience!

    I think your cooking show will be April's Amazingness, then I will be like, I told you so when it is on Netflix, lol.

    I really hope your sister doesn't move out. I understand what you mean about sharing the load of getting in trouble. My younger brother and I do that, lol. My parents are going to have a divorce later on, so it will one left with the blame and judgements too.

    I am glad that having your own room is nice, hopefully, in a few years, your parents might let you have electronics in it.

    I am really sorry that the video triggered you.

    I am glad you are doing ok. A 2-hour walk sounds calm and relaxing. My death thoughts are the same, kind of increasing. Are your death thoughts getting a bit better?

    I am glad that Vic got an extra week of holidays, but it is really sad with the incline of COVID cases and deaths. Why do people who don't want to die, die?

    Please don't apologise. I have made many irreversible and stupid mistakes, that I have never told anyone too.

    How has today been?

    I hope you are doing well. Thank you for helping me, being here and being my friend.

    Sending you happiness, wellness and good vibes too.

    Your less lonely friend, forever

    Neerja

  22. hello, hi, 😀
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    14 July 2020 in reply to hello, hi, 😀

    I used to do running too, in year 4-6 I used to run in school races and joined every basketball competition in my school. But now I can't even get myself to even shoot hoops. I can barely run a metre, now.

    I think it is amazing that going to the gym distracts you from the thoughts. I think that going to the gym each week, shows resilience and you are probably doing more than 15k there.

    How are you doing? Are your death thoughts getting duller?

    Sending you strength, happiness and wellness

    Your friend,

    Neerja

  23. Emmen
    Champion Alumni
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    390 posts
    15 July 2020 in reply to hello, hi, 😀

    Hello Neerja and April,

    Things got a bit busy and I wasn't able to see your replies the past few days. I don't want to break the flow of conversation here so I'll reply both of you together, okay?

    Both of you have mentioned being haunted by mistakes that you made in the past. I'd like to share a thread with you where another BB forum member struggled with the same thing. I hope the advice various members have given can help you: How to Forgive Yourself (https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/depression/how-to-forgive-yourself-#qv8DbHHzvGGEbv8AAOnT_A)

    I also notice both of you used to do sports - Neerja played basketball and April used to run. Exercise is one of those ways we can force our bodies to feel happier and less stressed. It has to do with the fact that exercises causes your body to release certain chemicals that helps you regulate and boost your mood. Even if you don't feel like it, it's good practice to force yourself to do a short exercise session until you make it a part of your routine. I know how hard it is - I spend most of my days feeling too lazy to move anywhere. But I've also come to realise once I start exercising, I feel more motivated to continue. So try giving yourself that initial push to exercise. Hopefully that helps you feel better and distracts you from the issues you're facing.

    How are both of you doing? :)

    Cheers,
    M

    1 person found this helpful
  24. ____
    ____ avatar
    68 posts
    16 July 2020 in reply to hello, hi, 😀

    Hey Neerja,

    Sorry for being so late with replies all the time.

    Do you like your school? How strict is it? My school says they really care about uniform but not many people wear it. One guy in my year wears tradie boots, red plaid pants, a ] shirt and brown jacket and a small black beanie. He is actually a nice guy but he acts like a jerk to seem cool. Do people do that at your school?

    It's like no one cares who I am at school. We have a girl with a few thousand listeners on Spotify and one guy will show up when you search his name in google. He is a professional ballet dancer and singer. We have people in professional performances in theatre (performing arts school) . All of these people are in my year. People from my school have gone to broadway, become famous, owned their own theatres and here I am, doubting that I could ever live as an adult. Do you ever feel like this?

    I probably do more like 7 or 8k at the gym. I know someone who does 50k a week which is absolutely ridiculous. It doesn't seem possible. Over 5k every day...hell no.

    My resilience in baking is mainly due to the fact that I rarely repeat a recipe. The only recipe I do a lot is cookies which are virtually impossible to mess up.

    Are you okay with your parents divorcing? Do you know what you'll do? I hope it goes well and it's not too stressful. I would find it very difficult to chose who would be more bearable to live with.

    The thoughts are still there but I know a lot of my triggers and 'warning signs'. I find the idea of warning signs are kind of strange. Like when I feel suicidal, why would I want to get help? I want to die and getting help doesn't let me do that lol. I really hope your thoughts get better.

    I often feel so bad because I'm sitting here telling you about how I want to die while there are people who would give anything for one more day. It's unfair that some of the happiest people get terminal illnesses or are in shootings or accidents and lose precious time with their family and friends. And what makes it worse is even after thinking about that, I'm still thinking about death.

    I spent 6 hours making a cake which ended up being on the dry side but not much else happened.

    I don't think I've ever got a ball into a hoop. Team sports and ball sports are not my forte.

    Thank you for always being here. I hope you know how much I appreciate you being here.

    Sending as much happiness and good thoughts as I possibly can,

    Your very thankful friend, forever

    April <3

    1 person found this helpful
  25. hello, hi, 😀
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    18 July 2020 in reply to ____

    Hi April,

    Please don't apologise. :)

    I like my school better than the old one, I had bad experiences in the school I am in now but not as much as the old one. Lol, my school says the same thing about uniform. But people wear track pants, sports uniform on a school day, fake nails (including teachers), extreme amounts of makeup, hoodies under their school tops, wrong types of shoes and more, lol. There this rule that you have to bring a note when you can't wear proper uniform, so many people just write their own notes and give it to the teachers. My school isn't that strict, the teachers like to have fun but sometimes no one does classwork. For remote learning, hardly anyone completed the English or Hums essays, lol. Do you like your school?

    I care about who you are, and I think you are an amazing person and I know I have said this so many times. I feel the exact same way, I am scared to grow up, become an adult, I think I won't be to live as an adult and fail life. It just makes me feel so weird that I am growing up. I don't know if I should think about my future, do I even have a future? Will I even make it to being an adult?

    50k is ridiculous. I could never even do 1k, lol. I bet I will mess up the cookie recipe. I tried using the cake mixes to make a cake, the outside was burnt and inside was undercooked, lol.

    I have mixed feeling about their divorce. I am glad as they will be happier as they feel stuck with each other. On the other hand, I think that will ruin my and my parent's relationship, even more, there will be more arguments. My dad will be always at work or on his phone, ignoring me. My mum will be with my younger brother all day and whenever she will talk to me, she will yell at me all of the time. When they are together, to show each other than one is kinder, they will be considerate of my younger brother and me. I am glad that it will happen a few years later. I don't know who will be more bearable to live with.

    I am really glad that you know your warning signs and triggers, I don't know them yet, it happens randomly or especially when things go wrong. Lol, that is so true, 'I want to die and getting help doesn't let me do that.' I feel the same way.

    It is really unfair, that people who want to live, don't get to and people who don't want to live are like forced to live. Hearing about the happiest people who have terminal illnesses, with injuries, and in pain. Makes me feel guilty, makes me really want to die.

  26. hello, hi, 😀
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    18 July 2020 in reply to ____

    I bet your cake was a million times better than the cake mix disaster cake, I made, lol.

    I don't think I ever ran a kilometre, lol. In year 5/6 I preferred short distance running. Do you like short or long-distance running?

    Thank you for always being here too, I am extremely glad, thankful and happy that you joined BB and are here talking to me. Thank you for being here and being my friend. I can never thank you enough. You have made me feel less alone, safe and made me smile. Thank you so much.

    May your day be filled with love, kindness, positivity and happiness, but not only today but each & every day. You deserve nothing less.

    Your friend forever,

    Neerja 🙂

  27. hello, hi, 😀
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    18 July 2020 in reply to Emmen

    Hi M,

    It's really hard to forgive myself, each day I am reminded by my mind, about such a horrible person I am. It's like being surrounded by this thick, dark cloud.

    It's really hard to force myself, I have been having these lazy days where I don't even look after my hair or even get out of bed. I am tired of trying, sorry.

    How are you doing?

    Hope you and your family are doing well.

    Warmest wishes,

    Neerja :)

  28. Sophie_M
    Community Moderator
    • Works for beyondblue moderating these forums
    Sophie_M avatar
    6816 posts
    18 July 2020 in reply to hello, hi, 😀
    Hi Neerja,

    We're sorry to hear that things are still so tough at home. It may help both you and April to take a look at some of our Beyond Blue resources, including stories about people who have felt similar to you in the past: Thanks for reaching out to April here and being such a supportive member of our community.
    1 person found this helpful
  29. ecomama
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    4567 posts
    18 July 2020 in reply to hello, hi, 😀

    Dear April and Neerja, I'd like to reply to you separately and together... 🧡💛💚💙💜 that's ALOTTA LOVE there lol.

    You've both done so well opening up here on BB and I want to commend you both for reaching out to try to understand what's going on. The "teen years" can be such a difficult time, there are no "ordinary times" and atm it's an extraordinary time in the world. Huge hugs.

    ONE HUGE thing is the relentless comparisons teens make between themselves and others. I was a teenager a LONG ass time ago lol, but even though I looked away from comparing myself to others, it still happened. And if I DIDN'T compare myself to others? Woah boy, peers said things openly.
    I still did and DO things that I CHOSE to do; career, home, activities, trips - even with "the haters" going against me all the time.

    People can be so cruel. BUT IT'S AGAINST OUR VERY NATURE to be cruel to each other. We are hardwired for love, belonging and connection to others.

    Also the Social Media comparisons are really damaging to you guys on it. I ditched it when I could clearly see people "showing off" in the fakest of ways and having extremely emotional reactions to 'not getting enough likes' etc. (WHAT???) I know people around my age who have gone into major debt to buy holidays just to plaster social media with photos - IRL they HATED the holiday, hated their spouse, couldn't stand their kids etc.
    That's NOT HEALTHY.
    To me it WAS NOT REAL LIFE. I am FAR BETTER OFF without Social Media.

    Growing up? One day at a time.
    NO ONE HAS LIFE all figured out. If they say they do, then they're trying to one up you. They don't lol.
    It's a bad idea for your Mental Health to have a tight plan for your entire future!
    You'll miss wonderful opportunities being so hard on yourselves now & your future selves.

    But there are ways to manage all of this.... there's a lady online who spent over 20y as a Researcher on human emotions - shame, empathy, vulnerability, courage & more. Even SHE was terrified to go public and talks about her journey & fears & breakdowns (lol her therapist called it a 'Spiritual Awakening').
    Her name is Brene Brown. She has been INVALUABLE to me to listen to and understand WHY things are so difficult. But through her life, online talks and (I must buy) her books lol, she shows us HOW TO BE courageous in our lives, deal with the "haters", know that 'aloneness' is part of our human experience.

    AND FEEL BETTER.

    I hope you guys watch her. She makes SO MUCH sense.

    Love EM

    1 person found this helpful
  30. hello, hi, 😀
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    537 posts
    18 July 2020 in reply to ecomama

    Hi Ecomama,

    I am really sorry you went through judgements from other people and from yourself too. But, please know, that you are such a wonderful person, you support and bring joy and happiness to others and you are warm-hearted, unique and we need more people like you.

    It's hard not to compare myself to others, each day reminds me of what a trash person I am, I don't like myself.

    I don't have social media, my parents don't allow it. But I understand what you mean about people being fake and showing off, in school, many people do it. In school, people treat each other so differently based on appearances, the amount people show off, the amount people talk to others and other things. Its so divided, teachers even treat students differently. If one of the 'popular' kids talked to the school counsellor, they would have been treated better.

    I understand what you mean about growing up, but I don't think I will make to being an adult. Criticising and hating myself helps me. It reminds me to not enjoy things, to not be positive and to not give myself hope, which is good and I think helpful as it makes me aware of what a trash person I am.

    WOW, 20 years, is a lot of experience! I will definitely watch Brene Brown's videos! I think April will too! I am glad that watching her videos has been invaluable.

    I hope you and your family are doing well.

    Warmest wishes,

    Your friend forever,

    Neerja

    1 person found this helpful

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