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Forums / Suicidal thoughts and self-harm / I want to ask for help

Topic: I want to ask for help

  1. ____
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    4 October 2020 in reply to hello, hi, 😀

    Hey Neerja,

    Don't apologise for being sick, it's not your fault. You're not a terrible person at all.

    I can't find piece of sky at my local library but hopefully it will be at a different one. It looks like a really good book.

    In the past month I've joined a new group of really nice people but unfortunately I'm not happy like i thought i would be. I assumed that once i had friends everything would be better but I still find myself wishing I was anywhere but here. I don't understand why, I have friends at school and I have you but sometimes I still feel lonely. It's going to sound stupid but it feels lonely inside my head. I can never fully describe how I feel and it would be so much easier if someone could just know. I also wish that I could go inside someone else's head and know how they think. I'm always so amazed by the fact that everyone I meet has their own complicated life and are real people. Apparently that's called sonder.

    I hate when people joke about suicide like that. It's fine to make fun of yourself and it's fine to make fun of others when they agree to it but it's not okay to make fun of someone for being suicidal when they most certainly aren't asking for it.

    The duologue wasn't too bad. I convinced the teacher to let me do it with someone else. We failed the assignment but at least it's over with.

    I've never had surgery or even been in a hospital. What was it like? It sounds kind of scary honestly. Are you okay now?

    Group projects are the worst. I had one in commerce and I had to make the powerpoint by myself the morning we were presenting. It was a group of 5. I really wish people would at least try.

    I hate doing school work in the holidays. I don't think they should make you spend your holidays catching up on work. It's not exactly fair on you considering you just had surgery. You didn't exactly ask for it.

    I've been a bit stressed about friends and just kinda people in general but I don't think that compares to getting surgery.

    I am very glad you're doing okay after surgery. How do you feel?

    I hope you know how much I appreciate your being here. Thank you for everything.

    Your good friend

    April

  2. hello, hi, 😀
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    5 October 2020 in reply to Croix

    Hi Croix,

    Fingers crossed that you don't have to go to the hospital.

    How are you? Is it really cold today? Do you like staying inside?

    Mrs C cares about you really much!

    Sumo Cat has some fixed preferences! He probably loves the comfort of his home. He sets for a mission for 5 minutes of the cold, windy and fresh air and that is enough for him and then he goes off to with his accomplishment and to celebrate by spending 23 hours and 55 minutes in the comfort of the home.

    I didn't have much to do in the hospital. I spent most of the time asleep because of the medications, I think they gave 3 pills 3 times a day. There wasn't a tv or any other devices. Haha, you are right about the placement of the call button.

    I guess being in the hospital gave me a chance to be by myself and not really notice the suicidal thoughts because I was asleep for most of the time. Coming back from the hospital was horrible because of a sudden I was put in front of so much schoolwork that had pilled up.

    It takes time to open up and when you open up the time has finished. In the end, the chat actually makes you feel worse because it feels like that no one is willing to spend time with you or you are just a waste of time and that's why they are timing the chats.

    You are right reading dry information isn't something many people want to do.

    It's hard to just say the thoughts in your mind and use words to describe them. I understand why you didn't talk about your suicidal thoughts because I have the same reasons. Another one is how people would act like they care but then go off gossiping about you or think badly about you. But also to make someone else feel uncomfortable when talking about suicidal thoughts and being a burden on others.

    The weird thing about suicidal thoughts is that they can happen at any moment, they can intensify just by themselves. Its been getting harder to motivate to do schoolwork, but what is the point? Death can come at any time.

    I think by the time I meet the right person I may not be on earth haha.

    I had a question does anyone truly love their life and feel as though there is point in living and have true hope?

    I hope you are doing well and you don't have to go to the hospital this Winter.

    I hope you have a good day.

    Warmest wishes,

    Your friend,

    Neerja

  3. hello, hi, 😀
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    5 October 2020 in reply to ____

    Hi April,

    Thank you for understanding and thank you for being my friend. I really appreciate you being here and it's really nice to talk to you again.

    I think you will like Pieces of Sky. But there is that happy ending which really makes the book not meaningful and unrealistic even though it is fiction.

    Is your school doing remote learning? In Vic it is still remote learning, I kind of like remote learning because I don't have to talk to other people.

    I am extremely glad that you found a group with really nice people. I understand why you feel lonely. Is it like your unconscious mind is wishing for something else that your conscious mind can't really figure out what it is? It doesn't sound stupid. I understand what you mean about wanting to not feel lonely but when you do have people surrounding you, that feeling of being lonely doesn't seem to leave and you don't why. It would be amazing to go into someone else's head and know how they think. I haven't heard of sonder before, but at least there is a word to describe that feeling. I wish we could know what someone finds behind their smile.

    I hate it too, especially from someone that you won't expect will make jokes like that. But here is a safe place to talk about it because people understand here.

    I am really glad that you convinced the teacher to do the duologue with someone else and it wasn't too bad. Do you like the feeling after just completing an assignment and a sense of relief that lasts a few moments?

    Being in hospital was weird because everyone was running around because of Covid-19, not many people were allowed in the room and I had to get a covid test done - that was the worst part I think haha. I am okay now I have finished the medications and can walk and even run now.

    You are right group projects are the worst. That is horrible that you have to do the PowerPoint by yourself the day you were presenting. In my past groups, people have just spent the time talking and not doing anything, I remember doing this report thing during the weekend and the others got the credit for it.

    I wish the teachers saw it that way but they think that work will just keep piling up. I still haven't finished everything. Today is the first day of school.

    I am really sorry that you have been stressed about your friends and other people, it is hard. People in general can be very stressful, it's so hard to comprehend others.

  4. Croix
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    5 October 2020 in reply to hello, hi, 😀
    Dear Neerja ~

    I’m glad you came out of hospital ok, and can just imagine the amount of work that has piled up in the meantime. Is there any way you can get some help with that? I don’t mean just extra time, because working will still pile up, but tuition perhaps?

    To return to the world with the suicidal thoughts after days of mainly sleep (I hope you did not dream) is pretty confronting, and I understand all but one of the reasons you do not like chats (“your 20 minutes is up, next please”) or talking about suicide.

    Yes most professionals will time limit, and it takes a special one to give you a feeling of security and being understood with individual attention in that time. I’ve been pretty lucky with my psychiatrists, and if I think it is going to be a heavy session then book extra time.

    But I’m not talking about that. You said “But also to make someone else feel uncomfortable when talking about suicidal thoughts and being a burden on others.”

    OK, you are right, it does make some uncomfortable (are you comfortable BTW?) and talking to others can indeed put a burden on them. Where I disagree with you is the fact you are entitled.

    Sumo is entitled to be fed, given a warm cosy life, taken to the vet for checkups etc, and generally loved and looked after. So is Foxy Dog. It is a similar thing with Mrs C (though not the vet), and it is up to others to make sure these things happen.

    Your parents, doctor and the rest are all there to provide you with what they can, and make your life as good as possible. If that places a burden that is natural and the way mature and loving humans operate. In fact, letting someone down when they are in need can make one feel guilty for life. No use saying “I didn’t know”, that does not help.

    So you talk to who you can, here being just one place.

    Motivation, for schoolwork? Do the bits you enjoy first and see what happens. Also group projects never work, with luck 2 of the bunch will do just about the lot.

    I don’t know what true hope is, so cannot answer that, I do know I want to be here tomorrow, see Mrs C and joke, watch Sumo being “busy” and give you and April space to say what you need and enjoy each other's company.

    Croix
  5. hello, hi, 😀
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    8 October 2020 in reply to Croix

    Hi Croix,

    I went to tuition before covid. But now they don't do it anymore. I don't know how everyone else finishes their work so quickly. I am really slow, I would spend hours on schoolwork but still feel like I haven't done enough.

    I don't why but the “your 20 minutes is up, next please” reason haha, makes me feel weird and not wanting to use the chats, I don't why. The reason I don't like the chats because they have always made me feel worse. They will tell me things like to exercise more, but I don't have any energy for that. I also feel weird opening the chat and filling out of those questions, its hard to be open up about everything and also asking for help.

    You are right it does take a special one to give you a feeling of security and being understood. I am really glad you have been pretty lucky with your psychiatrists.

    I don't know how I feel about talking about my suicidal thoughts, I feel ok and comfortable talking about it here because I am behind a screen. But I don't know why I don't feel comfortable on the chats.

    Maybe they are there to make life as good as possible. But what if you don't want to live, you are sick and tired of everything and being alive. What if there is no future for you?

    You are right 'I didn't know' doesn't help.

    To be honest, I did try last year, to talk to my parents about it but they never understand because I always show that I am happy even when I am not genuinely happy and it's fake. But they don't bother to try to understand they actually make things worse at times, they say things that and expect that them buying things for me makes everything good. Maybe I expect too much from them, but I thought they cared about how I felt but now I know they don't.

    Sumo Cat and Foxy Dog love the warm cosy and comfortable life and feeling that sense of security and love. Haha, I really like how you said that Sumo Cat is entitled to be fed, given a warm cosy life, taken to the vet for checkups and being looked after.

    They sound like really sweet pets

    You are right group projects never work haha.

    I will do the bits that sound more appealing than the others first, thanks Croix :)

    What does Sumo Cat when you watch him/her being 'busy'? Haha, it sounds really funny as he/she does like to relax.

    How are you?

    I hope you, your friends and family and Sumo Cat and Foxy Dot are doing well.

    Warmest wishes,

    Your friend,

    Neerja.

  6. hello, hi, 😀
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    8 October 2020 in reply to ____

    Hi April,

    I wanted to ask how you are doing? How is school?

    Its term 4 already and we going to year 10 next year.

    For some reason, the ends of my reply weren't sent haha.

    Your friend,

    Neerja

    Thank you for being my friend, I really appreciate it. :)

  7. ____
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    68 posts
    8 October 2020 in reply to hello, hi, 😀

    Hey Neerja,

    We came back to school a few months ago and I kinda miss online classes. Coming back was such a weird feeling. I'm glad we don't have as many precautions now but it was so nice not having to see anyone or make sure I look decent. How is it still doing remote learning?

    It definitely could be my mind telling me that I'm missing something. It would be quite helpful to know what it is because I can't really seem to get used to the empty hollow feeling. It's always kind of there reminding me that I'm not happy, even if i feel like i am. Come to think of it, that's probably just depression. I would've thought that I'd be over it by now. Depression is incredibly stupid. Sometimes I feel like I'm using it as an excuse to be lazy.

    I do like the feeling when i finish an assignment. Just those few minutes after the presentation when your heart is pounding and another group has gone up and no one is looking at you anymore. Do you do many presentations?

    We had to fill out a table for the group assignment of who did what in each lesson. The guy who was assigned to fill it in for everybody only logged his and his friends work. I didn't even realise until it was submitted and too late to fix it. Needless to say, I'm not doing great in commerce.

    People are very stressful. I can never tell if they like me or are being nice so as not to be mean. Do you ever feel the same way?

    How are you? I hope you're doing good and your assessments don't stress you out too much

    Many thanks,

    Your good friend,

    April

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  8. Croix
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    9 October 2020 in reply to ____

    Dear April~

    I hope you do not mind if I join in even though you were talking to Neerja.

    Being back at school for a few months will have placed you back into the midst of all those difficult and worrying situations wiht other people - one of the seeming few advantages of distance learning I guess. Still getting to deal with people without distressing yourself is a skill you will acquire.

    Joint student projects/presentations are a nightmare for most, and I guess the first thing to say is that your grade is not a reflection on your ability to do OK in commerce.

    Instead it gave you one of life's harder lessons -some people are unreliable or downright dishonest.

    Many institutions demand a cover sheet with student name, saying the bits they did and their signature. All fill that page in and there is therefore opportunity to set things right if someone is not straight.

    I'm glad you recognize the good feeling of a job completed. It is a change from the worry beforehand and does one good.

    You mentioned:

    People are very stressful. I can never tell if they like me or are being nice so as not to be mean.

    I'm not sure it is as important as you think, they all sound nice people, either because they like you or are considerate of you -both are good.

    That empty feeling and the mixed ones, I hope they grow less and go

    Croix

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  9. hello, hi, 😀
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    12 October 2020 in reply to ____

    Hi April,

    I understand why you like remote learning. It feels nice being alone. I am kind of like remote learning, but sometimes I end up sleeping too much and not getting enough work done.

    I know this is a random question haha, but have you heard of the song Paralysed by NF, have you felt that way? I feel that way, I don't know what is going on. What is your favourite song? I think mine is Hate Myself, Leave Me Alone and Only.

    You are right, it would be easier to know what it is, it is weird having that hollow feeling. Does your mind remind you not enjoy things, not to feel happy, not forget the mistakes? My mind does that, I get frustrated. I don't think you are being lazy, you are trying to do something about those feelings.

    Have you been able to talk to your psychologist during this time?

    I don't have many presentations, I think only one this year and three last year. It is a nice feeling which lasts only a few moments. Do you have many presentations?

    Thats not good that he only logged his and his friends work, is there a way you could change it? It must be really annoying.

    I feel that way too, I wish people were more easier to comprehend. There are so many sides of people and sometimes you don't even realise whether they really mean something or just saying it. Do you believe the things that others say? Like when they say something nice for your work will you believe it. My mind doesn't let me do it, it reminds me of the things that wrong. They say you should find the good in everything, but I find the bad in everything haha. Do you feel this way?

    3 more years till we are both 18 haha. Do you feel worried about the future?

    I am going ok I guess, the assignments are hard and they have increased the workload, yay!

    How are you? How is school going? Is your friend group good?

    I hope you are doing well and thank you for being here and being my friend.

    Your friend,

    Neerja

  10. ____
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    13 October 2020 in reply to hello, hi, 😀

    Hey Neerja,
    I slept through most of quarantine. It was nice until I got in trouble for not handing work in. It was worth it. I caught up on a lot of much needed sleep.

    Paralyzed is probably one of my favourite songs of his. I also love trauma, hate myself, if you want love and his new demo called chasing is amazing. I love how he has some really slow songs like paralyzed then faster ones like paid my dues and even some pop songs.

    I hate that feeling I'll be in a situation where I should be happy but my mind tells me that I'm not allowed to and suddenly I'm numb for no reason other than my mind told me I can't be happy. Sometimes I get irrationally angry and it feels like I'll literally explode which is absolutely cliche but the only explanation i can come up with. Does this ever happen to you?

    I haven't seen my psych in a while but i think i'm seeing her in a week or two.I never know what to talk about and it gets awkward sometimes.

    The assignment has already been marked unfortunately but it's just an assignment. I'm trying to remind myself it's not the end of the world. I really hope that it doesn't happen again though.
    We don't do many presentations thankfully. They're the absolute worst thing and I hope I never do another one although I highly doubt that would happen.

    I have never been able to believe anyone easily. I have no reason to. It's not that unlikely that they're being awful behind my back. I care way too much about what people think about me. If i know someone has mentioned me in a conversation I get really worried about what they said.

    Being 18 seems so far away considering I'm not even 15 for another month. At the same time, it seems so close. It's weird because all we've ever known is school and one day that will just be over and we'll have to be functioning members of society.

    School is a bit boring at the moment. My first day back was actually good and I was quite happy. I though that I would have a good term but today I got that awful numb feeling and I know that it's not going to go away until at around the last day of school. What about you?

    I hope you manage all your school work okay. I wish they wouldn't just dump it on you and expect you to do well.
    How are you?

    Thank you for everything,

    Your good friend
    April


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  11. hello, hi, 😀
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    14 October 2020 in reply to ____

    Hi April,

    I am really glad that you did catch up on your sleep, that is more important than the schoolwork as you don't get a chance to get away from things and relax. Did you get into a lot of trouble? In my school, there is a weird system, if you don't submit your work for over a week, they email you and then they wait a few days, then they email your parents and then they call your parents.

    Trauma, If you want love are both amazing songs. I also love Let Me Go and I miss the days. Paralysed is such an amazing song, the lyrics are so deep and powerful. My favourite part, 'I'm in a box. But I'm the one who locked me in', I feel that way. You are right, his music is different as there is a mix in the speed of the songs and emotions they provoke. Chasing is a really powerful and beautiful song, I heard it on youtube yesterday and the way they sing it and the lyrics is amazing.

    Have you felt like you want to cry or feel some other emotion, but you can't express it anymore? I feel that way, its really weird, it makes me uneasy and overwhelmed, its like parts of me are disappearing. Schoolwork is getting really hard, I just can't concentrate, I just don't see the point of keeping going anymore, I don't know how I kept pushing myself to keep working but I don't think I can anymore.

    It is a horrible feeling of being in that place where you should feel happy but your mind tells you can't, it's like a fear of feeling happy, is it like compromising joy for safety so you don't get hurt again? I get irrationally angry too, at that moment I can't think of anything and I have to get my anger out, I used to do it through basketball, but now I have given up so I don't play basketball anymore, I feel some of the anger is still boiling within me, do you feel this way?

    Has it been helpful talking to your psychologist? when I talk to my school counsellor, it always gets awkward, but it's funny to see her facial expression whenever I mention death lol. But I try to not to talk about it because I feel like the counsellor feels awkward and uncomfortable because of me. Next time, I meet her, I think in 2-3 weeks, I just going to say I am fine so I don't have to talk to her.

    It is really good that you are trying to remind yourself that it is not the end of the world and it wasn't your fault, it was someone else's responsibility. Presentations are the absolute worst, I think we are having 1-2 this term, I hate presentations everyone is staring and it's a horrible experience.

  12. hello, hi, 😀
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    14 October 2020 in reply to ____

    I understand why you get really worried about what they say. People are stressful and incredibly hard to understand whether they like you or not. Do you feel like over time the trust builds or does it stay the same?

    I find it hard to trust, as trust can be broken so easily, it is so fragile. I had this friend in primary school, who I shared my secrets of how life is at home and the bullying, she changed and friendship was ruined too, and since then I had problems with trusting others. I trusted the school counsellor and they broke my trust too. Have you had bad experiences with trust?

    Is your birthday in November? I just turned 15 yesterday haha. It does seem so close and how one day our lives will change completely, we will be in the "big dark world". I wonder how it feels, whether it will be easier or harder than now

    I am glad that the first was good. How does that numb feeling feel like for you? I hope that feeling does leave soon.

    I feel like I can't describe the feeling, I feel different and I can't express it. I feel like I am unconsciously suppressing my emotions. Have you felt this way?

    How are you going? I hope that feeling leaves quickly. I hope you have a good day at school.

    Thank you for being here and being my friend.

    Your grateful friend forever,

    Neerja

  13. Sophie_M
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    14 October 2020 in reply to hello, hi, 😀
    Dear Hello, hi 

    We're so sorry to hear that things have been so difficult for you. Trouble concentrating, feeling angry and overwhelmed, and trouble expressing emotions are all difficult things to be experiencing. We're so glad you felt comfortable enough to share these emotions with others on our forums and we hope that sharing them at least brings you some comfort. If you haven't already, we'd encourage you to speak to an adult you can trust about how you're feeling for some extra support. 

    There are many services that you can contact should you want to speak with someone in more depth about how you're feeling. For example, you can contact our support service by phone (available 24/7) on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat (available 3pm-12am AEST) on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport.  If you feel it may be helpful, you are always welcome to get in touch with Kids Help Line. Both of these services are free, confidential, and you can remain anonymous. 

    Please feel free to keep reaching out as you need it. Our community is always around to support you. 
  14. hello, hi, 😀
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    15 October 2020 in reply to Sophie_M

    Hi Sophie_M,

    Sharing has brought me a bit of comfort.

    I really wish I could actually feel something and I have fallen behind in my schoolwork because I just can't concentrate and keep pushing myself.

    I don't have an adult who I trust, sorry.

    But thank you,

    Neerja

  15. Croix
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    15 October 2020 in reply to hello, hi, 😀

    Dear Neerja~

    I've known for quite a while you are in the situation where if you're honest about your thoughts and feelings it gets back to your parents, which you don't want.So you say little to councilors and such

    Although I've asked various sources that seems to be the way it is -however, the best of the bunch, as far as I can tell, is Headspace.

    Not easy to get into as they may have a long delay , they'll certainly take your details, and maybe get in early if someone cancels, but normally (depending on your location), have a one-stop shop wiht GP, nurse and Psych all together. This give them a fair bit more muscle when talking to your parents.

    Why don't you make some inquiries and see waht you can find out? It cant hurt.

    Trust is something else. I trust Mrs C 100% with everything, from confidentiality and care, to reliability and honesty. The same the the late Mrs C. I've not trusted that many others. Some people are treasures, you find them as life goes on

    There are al sorts of treasures in life, Sumo Cat being one. A very relaxed cat, huge body, not so much fat as small tiger with fluffy fur rather than stripes. Very dignified to look at but has the smallest voice, as if it was only a tiny cat.

    We staff are in trouble, of a morning he likes to go outside for a few minutes and survey the world, but would prefer it not to be cold (fat chance ATM), so he expects us to keep opening outside doors untul we find "the door into summer". We don't manage that of course and are in trouble as a result. He raises his nose and stalks out as if we were doing it deliberately.

    Yes, schoolwork is important, but not as important as you. If you fall behind, OK that's how it is. You may not beleive me but you will have a whole lifetime to catch up. I re-commenced studies in early middle age - and did well. My first attempt as a teenager was a bit of a waste:(

    You can talk here, Sophie, April and I listen, even if answers are hard to find.

    We care

    Croix

  16. ____
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    15 October 2020 in reply to hello, hi, 😀

    Hey Neerja,

    Happy Birthday!!

    I don't know if you're a birthday person but I hope you had a good day :)

    In quarantine I had set alarms for the start of each class so i could sign my name in and go right back to bed. I would've gotten in trouble but the entire school did the same thing and they can't punish over a thousand kids.

    I hate that feeling. It would be so much better if I could just be sad rather than too numb to be sad. If I was sad then I could cry and let my feelings out but without feelings, there's no way to get any release.

    I hate when people ask 'are you okay' because you just have to lie to them. Every time someone asks if I'm okay I get a little bit closer to completely breaking down and telling someone all my problems. Is it like that for you??

    I really wish there was some advice I could give you as to how you can stop feeling numb and get stuff done but I think I feel the same as you. The only thing i can recommend is music but you do already listen to nf. Blasting music in earphones may be terrible for your eardrums and annoying for people around you if you listen to it too loud, but, it's such a good feeling and it's how I let out anger. The few minutes it takes to walk from my classroom to the bus stop or the bus stop to my house are the best part of my day. I play loud music and walk in time to it and pretend the world isn't there anymore.

    Psychologists are hard to talk to. If you mention that you're the slightest bit unhappy they'll bug you about it for weeks on end.

    I know what you mean about unconsciously suppressing emotion. I think I'm scared that if I step out of my comfort zone and show emotion, someone will hurt me. If I get close enough to someone I'll share with them my emotions and when I'm most vulnerable, they'll do something that makes me want to sink into the ground and stay there.

    I think when we're older it'll be harder with jobs and bills and money and politics but maybe the freedom of living alone will compensate for that.

    I'm not doing great at the moment but I'm trying to find something to look forward to so i'm more motivated to do things.

    How are you?? I hope you're not too numb at the moment

    Thank you for being so understanding

    Your good friend

    April

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  17. hello, hi, 😀
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    19 October 2020 in reply to Croix

    Hi Croix,

    I think there are Headspace centres here in VIC, I remember reading about it in the school counsellor room. But, how will I contact them, how will I get there and what will I tell them? I don't even know if anything is going help anymore.

    I have tried eHeadspace before and used the webchat, but to be honest it is like Kids Helpline.

    Trusting others is really hard as it is so fragile and when it breaks it has a horrible impact.

    I am really glad and it is really good that you have someone who you trust 100% with everything. I bet Mrs C trust you, 100% with everything. Its really good.

    You described Sumo Cat really well, I can imagine him. He sounds really alike to my neighbours' cat, haha she has the smallest voice too. Sumo cat sounds like an amazing pet, he has expectations but he is always there to support when you need him. You are the employees of Sumo cat hehe. he really wants it to be warm outside, I understand why he raises his nose and stalks out, the boss is not happy that you can't find the door into summer, and he will reduce the paycheck hehe.

    I think one of the reasons I find it hard to trust, is that my parents don't trust me, they don't trust each other and I have seen it every day for many years. Seeing them arguing, fighting, yelling has been really impacted the person I am now. I am always scared to tell them things and I have gotten so used to hiding things, to be honest, I have no idea how I have been open here, I guess it is because I am anonymous.

    I wish my parents saw schoolwork that way. But, I guess it's my fault that I am behind because I spend too much time on tasks and if I don't it is enough I would spend the entire day on an assignment, my mind just reminds me that if it isn't ok then I would make another mistake and reminds me of all of the mistakes.

    It is really good that you re-commenced studies.

    You are right, there is not a specific or set age to do studies and find a job and etc.

    Thank you for listening and caring.

    I hope you and your family are doing well.

    Your friend

    Neerja

  18. hello, hi, 😀
    Valued Contributor
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    hello, hi, 😀 avatar
    537 posts
    19 October 2020 in reply to ____

    Hi April

    Thank you so much! :)

    I don't know if I am a birthday person, I like the fact that there are birthdays but I haven't really celebrated it. I had an ok for my birthday, everyone left and I was home alone and didn't do much. But at least I got some schoolwork done.

    That is a really good idea and having alarms, I do the same thing for homeroom. Did you have to turn on the camera for the classes? I didn't, which was lucky because I have no energy for getting ready. Hehe, that is true they can't punish a thousand kids, but also everyone is at home and they can do whatever they wish at home

    You are right, when you are feeling sad they is some sort of release, but when you feel numb you don't what to do about it.

    I understand how you feel when people ask 'are you okay'. That happens to me too, its a horrible feeling and being so close to breaking down and then being forced to hide it and go on with your day. Do you get bubbling up feeling, like you mind gets blocked with thoughts and all your emotions start to rise when someone asks whether you are okay? When my school counsellor asks, it is so hard to push down the emotions and stop myself from crying. I cried once in the session because I just couldn't control it, that was embarrassing

    You are right, the feeling that listening to music is amazing. it is a really good release for emotions. I really like how you walk in time to the music and pretend the world isn't there anymore, that is a really good thing to do. I used to play basketball to release my anger, sometimes it helped but now I have no energy or motivation to go and play. Do you feel like that with every coming day, you just want to withdraw from everything and not do anything?

    That does sound annoying how they will bug you about it. My school counsellor does the same thing, due to this, I try to avoid talking about how I am feeling.

    I feel like I want to cry but I just can't anymore, it's frustrating

    I understand what you mean about the fear of stepping out your comfort zone and fear of someone hurting you, even more, I think I feel the same way

    Having a job, bills, politics and more people surrounding would be difficult, also being independent after spending 18 years dependent on your parents, you are right, maybe living alone may compensate for that

    I am really sorry that you're not feeling great. Do you want to talk about it? I will always be here to listen, whenever you do.

    How are you?

    Thank you for everything

    Your friend,

    Neerja

  19. ____
    ____ avatar
    68 posts
    14 November 2020 in reply to hello, hi, 😀

    Hey Neerja,

    How are you?

    I'm so sorry for the late reply. It's currently assessment season and it's been quite overwhelming.

    Most of our classes weren't actually zoom things, you just needed to log on and complete work at your own pace. I liked it that way because I could choose when I did each class.

    When people ask if I'm okay I suddenly feel so much worse because it forces me to actually acknowledge how i feel. I say yes I'm fine because I really don't want to explain anything.

    I always struggle with getting up in the morning because it's the same thing every day and I just can't bring myself to move.

    At the moment everything is really weird because I actually have some good friends at school but I still feel lonely. I'm always scared to open up to people in case they decide not to be friends anymore. I'm kind of confused because I thought having friends would make me happier and while it's nice, I still don't feel anything.

    I try and find things to look forward to as it keeps me going but if I'm only ever waiting for things to happen I'm not really living, I'm just waiting to live. I am kind of looking forward to the holidays but I know I'll spend them in bed with no motivation to stand up and nothing I look forward to will ever be what I expect or want.

    I've realised that it's impossible to be yourself. I don't even know who myself i and every time I find something I like, everyone else suddenly likes it too because I'm not as 'unique and special' as I'd like to think lol. Every single action you take is the result of what has happened in your life so far. It feels like there's no way to think for yourself and I don't like it.

    I'm seeing my psychologist on monday but I can never talk about the deep stuff you're meant to talk about. I don't want to seem weird and as soon as you even mention suicidal thoughts or self harming they tell your parents.

    Thank you for continuing to talk to me and I am very sorry for the late repyly.

    Your good friend,

    April

    1 person found this helpful
  20. Sophie_M
    Community Moderator
    • Works for beyondblue moderating these forums
    Sophie_M avatar
    6825 posts
    14 November 2020 in reply to ____
    Hi April, 

    We're sorry to hear that you've been struggling to find things to look forward to. It's great that you're trying to, and that you have some good friends at school. It can sometimes take some time to feel comfortable and connected to friends. You might be interested in this ReachOut article on loneliness - https://au.reachout.com/everyday-issues/isolation-and-loneliness

    It's also great to hear that you've been seeing your psychologist. We'd recommend that you be as open and honest with your psychologist as possible, because this will enable them to provide you with the best support. Do also remember that you can always chat to Kids Help Line if you are more comfortable speaking over webchat.
    1 person found this helpful
  21. Croix
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    Croix avatar
    11073 posts
    14 November 2020 in reply to ____

    Dear April~

    OK, the assignent season is over and you have more time to think about things

    You sounded puzzled you now had freinds but still felt alone, or nothing. Thats not unexpected. I was lucky, at the 8 schools I went to I was never bullied or given a hard time and knew people, and could maybe hang out with them if I wanted.

    I did not freel anything particular about them, as in real life they were aquantnces placed there by circumstances. Sometimes I'd find one and have a deeper relationship -freindship in fact. Then I would feel something, even if only being pleased to see them and happy in their company. Like minded people are hard to find.

    Pets are easier, unconditional love, and undemanding (welll, mostly)

    Many people like pets, that does not stop them from being unique people any more than you. True some past events have had their effect on us, both good and bad, but you were also born with some traits too, hair colora and more. This does not stop you from making decisions, though it can help guide, That's called expereince

    Those masks again - "Are you ok" - "Yes I'm fine". Well, it stops you haveing to think deeply about how you are and also is easy, no complicated questions to answer and no risk of someone geting bored or overwhemd by your answers.

    Not altogether a good strategy -fine for casual aquantantances but not for those who either care, or are in a positon to try to help your feelings. Masks isolate you, you are the only person that knows you and feel you have to hide who you really are.

    I know, I know, all road lead in the end to parents, except maybe places like here, and we can care, offer some advice and say how we have felt, but cannot help with the matter like your professionals -can't even offer you a chokolate.

    Incidentally there is nothing you have said in this thread that is weird, so no councilor will think that .

    Maybe at some stage life will prompt you to open up to a councilor, doctor or whoever. By all means say your parents have to be handled and educated, not just given the bare facts.

    I understand how it can seem pointelss to get up, how holidays may just seem more of the same. In fact it does not have ot be that wy. The road out is not easy, and small victories can become the impetus that keeps you going, but the world can be better -even enjoyable, as I found out.

    Hang in here April

    Croix

    1 person found this helpful
  22. hello, hi, 😀
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    537 posts
    15 November 2020 in reply to ____

    Hi April,

    I understand and please don't apologise. Assessment season is really hard.

    How is assessment season going?

    My school didn't do many assessments during remote as they knew people would cheat but they put a large chunk of assessments in term 4. Did your school do that too? Do you have exams this year? I have a source analysis on Tuesday and exams in 2 weeks. Do you find it hard to concentrate? I always find myself staring at a wall and then realising what the time is, I don't even know what I think about.

    You are right, the flexibility of remote learning was really good. It was nice to be away from people.

    I understand how you feel, explaining everything is really difficult and stopping yourself from crying and emotions rising up. Do you feel like when someone asks, the things you want to forget about come back up?

    Waking up in the morning is really hard. It's like as soon as you walk out of the house, you automatically put on a mask every day.

    I am really glad you have good friends at school. But that does sound really conflicting and hard because you still don't feel anything and scared to open up. It is a really scary feeling, to open up to your friends and then see them change and see them at school every day, maybe it is because you don't know them completely yet to trust them. I understand how you feel, a friend in my class who our friendship has started to, idk I guess be stronger and now we hang out with every day, they do tell me things in their life but I have never been able to talk about my life. Hanging out with my friends, still makes me feel lonely.

    At least during the holidays, you will be able to be by yourself and not go through the school stress. I think its about 3-4 weeks till holidays.

    You are so right, as soon as you even mention suicidal thoughts or self-harming they tell your parents and then they wonder why you don't talk to them or reply to all of their questions.

    I am really glad that you are talking to the psychologist on Monday, I hope you feel a bit better after seeing them.

    I agree it is impossible to be yourself and even the mask you wear keeps on getting stronger and stronger that gradually you start forget who you were beneath the mask. It is horrible.

    I am going ok I guess. Things at home and school and just life, in general, hasn't ok lately.

    How are you?

    I am really lucky to have a friend like you. Thank you for being my friend.

    I hope you are doing well,

    Your friend,

    Neerja.

  23. ____
    ____ avatar
    68 posts
    22 November 2020 in reply to hello, hi, 😀

    Hey Neerja,

    How are you?

    I've been worse than usual lately. I'm a lot more depressed and I'm finding it difficult to do small things. I spent most of the day in the mental health guys office on thursday because i couldn't bring myself to do anything. I still have some assignments due which I have no motivation to start lol.

    Most of our assignments aren't exams but they're still meant to be done in class time. It's impossible to cheat really unless you just copy someone else's work. I am absolutely terrible at concentrating. I focus on the spots on the wall and the sounds of people writing but i can never seem to concentrate on the actual work.

    I don't think I would ever open up to friends about everything. People are judgmental and sometimes quite mean.

    My appointment with the psych was good but I can never really talk about things in-depth. I only talk about my small problems because if she tells my mother anything I'm kinda screwed. I have another appointment in two weeks so I'm hoping I'll be able to open up more then.

    The whole 'be yourself' thing just seems like bs. I don't know what ' myself ' is and i think it's made up. I act so different around everyone and I don't know which one is my authentic self. I care too much about what others think of me.

    Sometimes i remember that everyone around me is kind of the same. We all are just stuck in these bodies with no idea what we're doing. Some people seem quite good at living but we're all just winging it. I do wonder if other people are depressed too but are just good at hiding it.

    At the moment the main thing I look forward to is going to bed but at least it's something I like. It's definitely better than nothing.

    I hope you are doing well

    Thank you for everything

    Your good friend

    April

    1 person found this helpful
  24. Missing user
    Missing user avatar
    22 November 2020 in reply to ____

    Hello _____ .

    Just came across your thread, I hope you're doing OK?

    - Tayla

    1 person found this helpful
  25. hello, hi, 😀
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    hello, hi, 😀 avatar
    537 posts
    6 December 2020 in reply to ____

    Hi April,

    Sorry for replying so late I had exams.

    I am really sorry you are feeling worse than usual, that is not good. Were you able to finish your assignments? I

    t is really hard to get motivation to do things, I still haven't finished this humanities thing I was supposed to do lol.

    Do you have a favourite subject at school? I don't think you are terrible at concentrating because I bet when you are baking you are giving it your full focus.

    Does your school give really hard tasks sometimes that impacts concentration? In my school, they just give task sheets and expect us to do them by ourselves. At school, I have the same problem with concentration, when the teacher is gone I just play games on my laptop lol because most of our work is on the laptop or I scribble in my book.

    Was it helpful being with the mental health guys? Do you have to tell your teacher to see them?

    In my school you do, which really defeats the purpose of getting help as you may not want to tell your teacher. But I think it was last week, a teacher asked me if I was doing ok and it was the first time someone did that. I ended up telling him about my suicidal thoughts and surprisingly he didn't call my parents. It was the first time I felt safe actually talking to someone about this, but I regret doing it because now I feel like he avoids talking to me now.

    I agree people are judgemental and mean, also two-faced too.

    I agree the be yourself thing, is bs. I understand how you feel about caring about how others think, its so frustrating not knowing whether they actually like you or not.

    I am really glad that your appointment was good :). I understand what you mean how if she tells your parents you are screwed, same thing here. Do you have to fake being happy at home?

    I really hope you open up more in your next appointment.

    I love how you said 'We all are just stuck in these bodies with no idea what we're doing', it is so true. I wish we could tell how people were actually feeling, maybe we would feel less lonely.

    The past few weeks haven't been great, I got rejected after another interview for a job, things at home and school are the same, I have to go to transition things for the new school that i hate and I gained more weight. I am sick of all this.

    How are you? How is school?

    I hope you are doing well.

    Thank you for being my friend. I appreciate your friendship beyond measure.

    Thank you for everything,

    Your friend,

    Neerja

  26. hello, hi, 😀
    Valued Contributor
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    hello, hi, 😀 avatar
    537 posts
    20 December 2020 in reply to hello, hi, 😀

    Hi April,

    I just wanted to ask, how are you going?

    Your friend,

    Neerja

  27. Croix
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    Croix avatar
    11073 posts
    20 December 2020 in reply to hello, hi, 😀

    Dear Neerja -plus of course April if you are listening.

    It is a surprise and gladden one's heart when someone asks how you are, listens to the answer and then reacts sensibly without hitting the panic button.

    If that teacher is one you particularly like or value why no tell him exactly that -you felt better after he asked, he was a good listener and that made you feel better too, and he did not go overboard in reacting -something that stops you talking to lots of people.

    You could say you are still the same person, and still here, and you would be sad if your frankness made him wish to avoid you as his presence can be something you value.

    Do you think this is too much to say? As an educator over very many years I would find that approach mature, non threatening and feel pleased to be of help.

    For both of you, Neerja and April, being isolated and not able to talk frankly with others is not a good thing, you feel separated from others and alone

    Sumo Cat is sort of nodding, though if that is in agreement, or just going to sleep is had to tell. He had a bad time chased by a dog the other day but now seems no worse for the fright, still heads for his favorite cushion and takes up his supervisory duties.

    I have no idea why but he insists on sleeping on my feet on the bed cover at night. He weighs a ton and one certainly knows he is there. I try to nudge hm to one side, but he always wriggles back. I guess I'm stuck with squashed feet

    Always, you are welcome here.

    Croix

    1 person found this helpful
  28. Guest_1643
    blueVoices member
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Guest_1643 avatar
    4854 posts
    20 December 2020

    Hi April - I will read through ur thread to see how u are - just wanted to say hello and see how ur doing with end of school

    Hi Neerja, I'd love to read more of ur poems if u have new ones :)

    How is ur Summer going, and the end of school? Done with that horrible cousellor? Thinking of u,

    Sleepy

    1 person found this helpful
  29. hello, hi, 😀
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    537 posts
    22 December 2020 in reply to Croix

    Hi Croix,

    it does feel quite nice when someone does not hit the panic button because that just makes you feel worse than before. No one at school had ever asked me how I was doing so it felt nice.

    You are right going overboard in reacting is something people are definitely afraid of. Like the school counsellor.

    I would not be able to talk to the teacher again because the school I go to was prep to year 9 and everyone has to move to other schools near this one.

    That is terrible that Sumo Cat got chased by a dog. But it is good that no matter what he is loyal to his supervisory duties.

    Hahaha that is really funny how Sumo squashes your feet and won't move!

    How are you?

    I hope you and your family are doing well.

    Thank you for everything Croix.

  30. hello, hi, 😀
    Valued Contributor
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    hello, hi, 😀 avatar
    537 posts
    22 December 2020 in reply to Guest_1643

    Hi Sleepy,

    I have given up writing poems for now

    But I would really love to read your poems!

    Holidays have been ok. I got a call for a Target interview and after the interview, I got rejected right after. But today I found out that I got accepted for McDonalds. At least now I will have something to do that will distract me from everything, but I am scared to work because I know I am going to mess up and then get fired. I now have to play basketball because my parents paid for the season that got cancelled due to Covid during the end of last year and start of this year. I don't want to play anymore, I don't have any energy to play now.

    I'm finally done with the school counsellor and I never going to talk to a counsellor again after this. I am really glad that it is over.

    How are you?

    I hope you and your family are doing well.

    Thank you everything Sleepy.

    1 person found this helpful

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