hello,

this is my first post here so i'm sorry if this is disorganised, i just need to vent

i don't have many people to talk to; i talk to my school friends almost never whenever we're not in school. i feel constantly lonely in school and have been many times left behind by them, most of the time where they talk to their other friends without acknowledging me or walk off without me. i only have one online friend who i talk to on a personal level and regularly, my boyfriend.

i do my best to talk to my irl friends to be closer with them, but i feel like it never works - i always try to be there for them when no one else is, but as soon as they're alright, i feel like i'm immediately discarded and they go be with their other friends again. no one knows how i feel, and i don't want to open up about it since it'd be awkward since i'm really not close with my friends.

only my boyfriend knows, but when i opened up to him and told him i think my friends hate me and why, he kept telling me they don't, but eventually snapped that my friends must hate me then. i haven't told him anything since. i don't think i want to be with him anymore, but his mental health isn't in a good place either, so i'm worried i might set something off if i do that (i don't think he'd be threatening to me or anything, but he'd get upset).

i dont want to tell my parents; i dont want them to feel like theyre bad parents (which my mum told me before when she saw me crying). my dad is helpful, but i don't want my mum feeling left out, but i don't opening up to her cause she doesnt get it (she tells me to just be happy, and that my friends like me). earlier she walked in on me crying again and when i refused to talk to her about it, she said she was now going to feel bad for the rest of the night and 'thanks'. my family fights a lot, making it worse since my autism&anxiety worsens with noise. i cant tell my dad rn since he will be gone for a while, and i cant call him as to not stress him out more working. even when im not crying, my anxiety makes me feel like i am going to die.

i've been feeling suicidal, and have hurt myself, but don't want to tell anyone cause of that. i can't tell my therapist (who i havent seen in a while, and since i just met her i feel hesitant on opening up) cause then she'd have to tell my parents. i also feel incredibly ugly and insecure.

i feel hopeless, and i want to get better, ive been trying and nothing seems to be working

there's more, but character limit

Welcome to the forums, jup1ter, we are so glad that you've taken a big step in sharing your thoughts and feelings here with our community. 

We can hear that you're feeling left out, anxious, misunderstood, and ambivalent about opening up. We're sorry to hear that you've had suicidal thoughts and self-harmed. That all sounds incredibly difficult. We are so glad that you came here and shared how you're feeling. This community is very welcoming and supportive, so please know that you have come to a safe place to talk about such things. 

If you feel it may be helpful, you are always welcome to get in touch with Kids Help Line. They are a confidential and anonymous, telephone and online counselling service specifically for young people aged 25 and under. 

Additionally, if your thoughts around suicide and self-harm become too overwhelming for you, please know that you can contact crisis support services, such as Lifeline (13 11 14). Lifeline also has text (https://www.lifeline.org.au/crisis-text/) and chat-based (https://www.lifeline.org.au/crisis-chat/) crisis support options available if you prefer. If you're ever an immediate danger to yourself, please contact emergency services (000 - Triple zero). 

Again, we're so glad you decided to join us here. Please continue to post here as you see fit. We are around to offer support. 

Hi jup1ter,

Wellcome to our forums!

Im so sorry you are feeling this way.

I understand school and friends can be hard, I remember when I was in high school I had a group of friends and they seemed to outcast me at times and run off from me, it made me very sad.

At this point in my life I didn’t really know what to do I was lucky though because I had one friend at school who was older and invited me to join their group which I was very grateful for.

I also ended up joining another group of friends in my year group that use to all hang out in a certain spot… they were more welcoming.

Is there another group of people at your school that you could maybe join for lunch and recess?

Im sorry you have self harmed and felt suicidal……….. I understand this would be very difficult for you..

Please try to tell yourself positive things about yourself build yourself up…… you are beautiful and worthy.

The way your friends are behaving is a reflection of them and not you…….. maybe they just aren’t your people…… your people are out there someone is waiting to be your friend…….. look out for the more nicer welcoming people at school and try to strike up a friendship with them.

I understand that you don’t want to talk to your parents about the way you are feeling but they love you and just want the best for you…… you are the most amazing thing that ever happened to them ❤️

Please have a think about talking to them…… I’m sure they will want to help you.

Im always here if you want to chat.

Hi jup1ter

How has your day been today? Friends at school are hard and trying to fit in can be even harder. Sometimes though we have to ask if they are the best friends for us or do we need to find other friends with who we do fit in and are there for us as much as we are for them.

My kids are now teenagers in high school and I love that they can come to me about anything and we will talk it out. It can be hard though for Mum's not to take it all onto themselves. Us Mum's sometimes feel like failures if we haven't provided our kids with everything they need, even socially. When my children's friends come to me to talk and say they can't talk to their parents for similar reasons to you. I always suggest opening it up with something like "Mum I really would like to sit down with you and talk about some problems I'm having. The last time we spoke you said you felt like a failure as a Mum, but that's not true. I would really like to just talk to you and have you listen, offer a little advice or even just give me the cuddles I need. Your Mum will cry with you, it's nearly impossible for us protective mum's not to, but that's ok. Both Dad and her need to know how you feel and the problems you're having so they know where you are at and if you need extra help, especially if you're feeling suicidal, they can help you get the support you need. Until then, or if you just aren't ready to talk to your parents yet, talk to me as much as you like.