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Forums / Suicidal thoughts and self-harm / Lonliness and embarressed

Topic: Lonliness and embarressed

24 posts, 0 answered
  1. JazzK
    JazzK avatar
    26 posts
    27 January 2018
    Im a new mother and ive been in my relationship for 4 years. I feel like im an only parent at this point. I love my kid and dont regret my pathway. My partner priotises his friends and addiction more then us and I'm not saying he is a bad father because he is good when he is actually here but he never is around. And everytime he finally is around i get a lot of blame of 'i didnt do this i didnt do that' and it gives me anxiety because i feel like im never doing anything right. I try so hard to empress him, to spend time with him once our baby goes to sleep but he just leaves without saying goodbye or where hes going. Mentally i have anxiety over this but its become a routine that it feels normal too. My head is all over the place. And theres times where i feel i cant handle it. And what i cant handle is feeling so unloved which seems like it should be the least of my problems because i a beautiful kid and loads of friends and family to support me. Little do they know i go through dark patches where i just feel like it would be easier killing myself but its my kid that brings me back to light. Ive attempted so many times (before baby) but obviously failed. What im looking for obviously doesnt exsist in my partner as his priorities are different. I feel so embarressed when i see my friends that have there own families spend time together or even just couples that hold hands i get huge jealousy right there. I need support. I just feel embarressed if i told my family what i wrote on here.
  2. quirkywords
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    27 January 2018 in reply to JazzK

    Jazzk

    Hello and welcome to this understanding forum. This is a caring, considerate and friendly place.

    Congratulations on your new baby. It is very hard getting used to a new baby and if your partner is not there for you it can be lonely and overwhelming.

    You say you have friends and family support but would feel embarrassed if they knew about what you posted here. I think quite a few people are like that as they don't want to upset their friend's and family.

    Sometimes we look at other people's relationship and parenting and we think everything is rosy as they may look at us and think our lives are wonderful. I remember years later telling a friend of mine who I felt had the perfect family and she revealed she had struggled the whole time her children were growing up and her perfect husband left her with 4 children.

    Are you seeing a doctor or psychologist and have told him or her about your feelings.

    Welcome again to this compassionate community.

    Quirky

  3. JazzK
    JazzK avatar
    26 posts
    27 January 2018 in reply to quirkywords

    Thank you so much for replying its so nice to know someone is there.

    Just moments before this i did tell him how i feel and it just lead to an arguement which the blame game starts to happen of what ive done so wrong in the past or even things for example leaving a wrapper on the bench. Honestly i feel really useless to him because he seems to not want to be around me at all. I struggle to get out of him if i am even wanted in his life. I told him i want his love and support and to make memories with him but he doesnt want that. And thoughts of leaving well lets just say the actions im scared about if i made things worse. My head feels like its going to explode and my tears burn my face. I hate feeling like tthis but yet when i catch up with friends or family i just want to break down but i brave it out. I go for drives and all i seem to do is go around the corner to cry. The only thing keeping me sane is my baby.

  4. JazzK
    JazzK avatar
    26 posts
    5 November 2018
    I wish i could go back in time and start all over again. I havent smiled or laughed properly since i met him. And my natural self only comes out when im not around him. This one person that i still truley adore is breaking everything inside of me and i want to speak up but he is never around nore if we speak theres always some issue that comes first with every conversation. Just like my first post nothing has changed. I have such lonley issues and self confidence issues around him bucause i still feel like i am around to please him. Crying in bed tonight from just asking to heat up some food for me and the reply i got was "for effs sake" comments like this are thrown at me a lot and it just makes me feel like shit. And epecting another baby with him well ive been sad this whole pregnancy. I barely have close friends and the ive only got family to talk too. I just feel like whrn i off load to them its always the same issues. They give me advise but lets just say i still feel like crap and have anxiety before coming back into my own household. As im seeking comfort and advise im more looking for a miraculous miracle to awaken him which i hope to be soon. Its so sad to want to crave, love, a hug, a kiss, touch, comfort and safe from the only one i love with feeling guilty for something i didnt do or nasty words put on me. Anyways thanks for listening to my post thats been re written again from above
  5. JazzK
    JazzK avatar
    26 posts
    5 November 2018
    Appreciation..... that's the one thing i dont get.
  6. JazzK
    JazzK avatar
    26 posts
    15 December 2018
    Appreciation and to know I'm needed is something I'm needing right now :(
    1 person found this helpful
  7. Doolhof
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    Doolhof avatar
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    16 December 2018 in reply to JazzK

    Hi JazzK,

    I'm really sorry to read your story, it does sound like you are in a hard place and the guy you are with doesn't really make you feel like you matter much to him. Does he spend any time with his child? Is he showing and signs of excitement about your pregnancy?

    Can you be open with your family and let them know what you are gong through?

    Would you consider talking to someone at one of the support help lines like the one at Beyond Blue on 1300 22 4636?

    Are there things you can do to help you feel better about yourself?

    Hopefully sharing here helps in some way! It is a shame you have not received more responses and ideas.

    I really do hope you have something to look forward to for Christmas. Sometimes we need to create expectations that are achievable and not expect others to make us happy.

    How would he react if you asked him to please show you some respect?

    Hope you manage to find some support and care for yourself.

    Cheers from Dools

    1 person found this helpful
  8. Celery
    Celery avatar
    17 posts
    16 December 2018 in reply to JazzK
    Hello Jazz, I have just read your earlier posts. You are a good person and a good Mum trying to please an addicted man. With most addicts their priority is their supply..meaning their drug and friends who participate. Unfortunately you cannot change another person, you can only change how you respond to their behaviour. I would suggest that you make an appointment with your local doctor and tell him/her how you are feeling about yourself and the relationship wit h your husband. You did not say what substance your partner is addicted to and is most likely the reason for his unsavoury comments towards you and his lack of attention. Have you got understanding supportive family to help you? Please keep talking Jazz, you are important.
    3 people found this helpful
  9. JazzK
    JazzK avatar
    26 posts
    18 December 2018 in reply to JazzK
    I've just hit the biggest low and all my passion for what I had for my partner has just faded. And as a mother to be for my second I honestly wish I could just go back in time. So lonely and depressed and really feeling in a dark spot. I actually did not want to come home from work into such a nasty environment. Knowing your parter has so much hatred in his life and taking it out on me is just wrong when he blames everything on me or if I don't apparently do anything around the house. When comments fly at me I just have a thought in my head I just want to self-harm. Everything I do I seem to question if I'm doing the right thing by him. And I've just been blames for snooping. I just found a sex toy of his and was open to him about it asking him if there's anything he fancies or so and yet I just copped abuse base saying I'm snooping and that he doesn't trust me at all. So I've just cut myself off from happiness atm and dying to get back to work out of a house where I should feel safest the most and I just don't. I just feel so sick that I am thinking in a way where I don't want this second baby with him anymore. I'm so tired of wondering if I'm doing things right. I'm so tired of my position I'm in I'm so tired of being me right now.
  10. smallwolf
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    21 December 2018 in reply to JazzK

    Hi Jazz,

    How are you doing at the moment?

    It was with sadness that I read your story and how you are treated by your partner, and the situation that you are dealing with at home.

    Celery is right that you cannot really do much for about your partner getting help. Well... you can suggest they get professional for the addiction, or if you hoping for couples counselling? The other person has to want to do it as well. But that does not mean that you cannot get help for yourself and work out what you should do. You might also learn some techniques for dealing with your husband and the way he treats you.

    Dools also asked some good questions in her reply. I hope you might get the chance to reflect upon and answer these questions. You are a good person, and deserve respect.

    I hope you might be able to have a few days without anxiety or depression and be able to relax over the Christmass break.

    Peace and best wishes,

    Tim

  11. JazzK
    JazzK avatar
    26 posts
    27 December 2018 in reply to JazzK
    It doesn't matter how good you have been, it doesnt matter how low key you have been, it doesn't matter how much you keep your mouth closed to keep the peace and yet little random issues against me seem to happen which make me feel so shit inside. Being pregnant Im finding it hard to sleep so I came down stairs to rest and ha e some food. AFTER half an hour later my partner comes down stairs with our first baby and asks what I'm doing, and I said I'm resting and he just gives me the dirtiest look. I said did she wake and he said well obviously. Things like that type of situation to make another person feel crap just is heartbreaking and makes me feel so worthless 😪😪😪
  12. smallwolf
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    27 December 2018 in reply to JazzK

    His jazz,

    Is there anyone you can talk to about your situation? Family? Friends?

    You are a good person struggling with a small child, pregnant and an addicted husband. It can be difficult for two parents caring for a child who work as a team. And yet you also have to put up with the abuse as well.

    You also said in a previous post that you didn't want to return home from work. I suppose that your husband looks after the baby while you are at work? Or childcare?

    I cannot really tell you what to do. I could ask you what you would like to do? All I can really do is sit beside you, offering you my thoughts and comfort. I also hope you might be able to reach out to services such as Lifeline if you need to talk to someone.

    Tim

  13. Doolhof
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    27 December 2018 in reply to JazzK

    Hi Jazz,

    Sounds like you are in a tough place right now. Like Tim mentioned, you may find it beneficial having a chat to someone at Lifeline of Beyond Blue. Just talking to someone can help.

    Do you have family close by whom you could spend some time with, even if it is for a couple of hours respite.

    Have you tried telling him that you do not appreciate the way he talks to you? I know that may cause a huge argument, but it might also make him realise he is overstepping the boundaries.

    How do you think he would react if you did not return home a few hours after work? Do you think it might make him realise just how much you actually do around the house and with your child?

    Some people just don't get the fact that everyone deserves to feel respected, listened to and cared for.

    Hope you manage to find some solutions!

    Cheers to you from Dools

  14. JazzK
    JazzK avatar
    26 posts
    1 January 2019
    I kissed my partner at the stroke of midnight and shortly ran back with the baby to put her to sleep next door. I was also pretty drained so I just feel asleep for the rest. I woke up to my partner standing stairing at me accusing me of snooping into his dad's van and leaving it opened for it . We got robbed with the tools at the back of the van been taken and the doors left wide open. I asked why he think I did it and he said because I apparently snoop a lot and thought it would snoop his dad's van. I immediately just broke down and asked why would I do that? Anyways to cut things short Happy New year too me, he eventually said sorry but still.....
  15. JazzK
    JazzK avatar
    26 posts
    1 January 2019

    How I feel right now, well lets just say I would rather die giving birth to my 2nd baby then be in a place were I'm trying so hard and giving my all then to feel like I'm a crap person and a crap mother. I am actually scared everyday to wake up to accusations or complaints or just attitude. I hate coming home, my safe and happy place is literally work. And how selfish of me to say I want to die at birth? No, see it from a perspective for me it's the easy way out. In so sad and angry and bitter that I haven't smiled all cricket day. And yet all I want to do is poor my heart out and give 110% and feel appreciated and respected.....

  16. smallwolf
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    2 January 2019 in reply to JazzK

    You thoughts are not abnormal given how you are feeling. You also deserve to feel respected and appreciated.

    But I hope you will answer the following questions...

    Do you have anyone that you can talk to? Family? Friends? Or services like Lifeline or Anglicare?

    Are you able to talk to anyone about your home situation?

    Please come back soon and let us know. Thanks,

    Tim

  17. JazzK
    JazzK avatar
    26 posts
    10 February 2019 in reply to JazzK
    Its my birthday today, aNd I just feel so let down. Amazing day with my little bubba, but there was just no where to be seen partner. I really try to give him the benefit but I just dont know where I stand rather then being the mother of his children. All i wanted was his company and maybe just him to go hun lets go out to dinner or something. I'm up at 11.30pm cooking myself dinner and him telling me an hour and a half ago her just getting fuel. I'm just upset. I'm really upset. It's not going to get any better and I still want to die giving birth in 11 weeks. I'm just not feeling strong enough to go on in this world.
  18. JazzK
    JazzK avatar
    26 posts
    25 February 2019 in reply to JazzK
    How do people feel 100% satisfied with their lives. I remember going through a real cocky part of my life, chasing after people, not caring what other people feel, not saying I was heartless but I felt so good then. And now I care, I worry, I'm sad, I'm upset, I'm lonely. I feel like I really need affection to feel wanted. I'm with my partner but I'm just not getting anything from him and I'm not sure if it's because I'm pregnant again. But I feel he is not attracted to me. I barely talk to him because I get so nervous I'll say somethi g wrong and he will get angry at me. I put my hand on his leg tonight in bed and all he seemed to do with exhale breath and turn the other way. I barely smile around him which I think makes him angry and for my reason is it's most likely I've been angry at him or hurt by him without him even knowing he has done. This whole pregnancy, he has barely said anything nice even when I've dressed up I don't get any compliments. I just hear 'look at your gut, or fat guts. I just feel not myself. I actually feel I've lost myself my self esteem and I'm just trying to put on a brave face. I'm trying so hard to be perfect for him, trying to cook, clean make it comfortable when he is home but he just always leaves with some excuse he never wants to hang out with me. He is a great father I can't acknowledge that enough but wish he would want to acknowledge me too. 'WANT TO ' actually willing to.....
  19. smallwolf
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    28 February 2019 in reply to JazzK

    JazzK,

    Sorry about the late reply.

    Belated happy birthday to you. I hope you had a OK day even if the partner was MIA.

    It sounds very lonely for you at the moment. And the lack of any recognition would be frustrating as well. But you wanting to die is concerning. Your husband might not see it in you, but you are a strong and good person demonstrated by cooking late into the night or cleaning or .... or .....

    I hope you dont mind if I ask a couple of questions....

    • are you and your husband able to just talk to each other? **
    • do you have any support from neighbours or family?
    • are you getting any professional help?
    • are you able to take off the brace face in front of your husband?

    ** There are occasions where I have to have a chat with my wife about something, and generally prompted by my psychologist. At these times, we will meet at chat at a coffee shop. It just sounds from your post that your husband is never around, making it hard to talk at home (?). And maybe you might be able to tell him the effect this is having on you and find out why he might be ignoring you.

    Finally, can you tell me something that you like to do each day? Do you take your baby for a walk in the park? Or have a coffee in a coffee shop? Or ??? Do something fro yourself?

    Peace,

    Tim

    1 person found this helpful
  20. JazzK
    JazzK avatar
    26 posts
    8 April 2019
    I don't know how I can keep doing this, I don't know if I want to survive. 3 weeks to go till second baby comes and my thoughts and feelings still haven't changed about wanting to die then. Very uncomfortable in this world very uncomfortable in my relationship, he just makes me feel like a piece of shit with everything. The whole pregnancy there has been no nice comment towards me just your a fat guts. No time together he rather just be with his friends or play games. I went to set up a date for him and I as a family to go out for dinner and he just rather not or there's always an excuse. I have started going out with my girls more but it's not the same. I'm always 3rd shelling fri3ndds and there partners. I seem to do everything myself. Just now he just cracked the shits about ringing his mum up coz I asked a question while I'm giving the bubba a bath. The way he reacts and uses his attitude is so heart breaking. He makes me feel like shit and he says I have attitude. I wish euthinasia is just easier to do.
  21. smallwolf
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    9 April 2019 in reply to JazzK

    Hi Jazz,

    You must be feeling very lonely when the one person you would hope to receive some support from is ignoring you. There are only things I want to say to you (and hope to keep this post short)...

    1. In your initial post, you said that you would be embarrassed if your friends knew what you had posted here. Can I say to you that even though this forum is anonymous, to allow yourself to be vulnerable and speak how you feel takes courage. And while you might feel embarrassed, I also think (/hope) they would give you the support you are looking for.

    2. Can you identify any reason for the way he acts towards you? Work? Pressures from elsewhere? It is hard to guess when all you get are the negative remarks! AND If a friend told you the story that you were telling us, what advice would give them?

    Peace and comforting thoughts,

    Tim

    1 person found this helpful
  22. quirkywords
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    9 April 2019 in reply to smallwolf

    Jazz,

    I have just caught up with your thread.

    Congratulations on your soon to be born baby.

    I am sorry you feel life is so hopeless.

    It is disappointing when the one person who you feel should be there for you keeps letting you down.

    when you are pregnant as you know your emotions are heightened. Are you looking after yourself and your baby?

    Like Tim, I think letting your friends know your problems and feelings and getting support would make you feel supported and less lonely.

    What would you like to happen so life is better for you and your child once your new child is born. ?

    Would you be able to join a mothers group so you could meet mums with a baby and a toddler. ?

    I appreciate your honesty and wish you all the best with your upcoming childbirth.

    Quirky

    1 person found this helpful
  23. JazzK
    JazzK avatar
    26 posts
    16 April 2019 in reply to quirkywords
    Thank you smallwolf and quirkywords.

    I realise most of my posts are very similar and I just don't know what I want in clarification. Feeling lonely and unappreciated seems to exceed my expectation and on the balance I just hope I was going to be wrong. 2 weeks to go and still wishing upon my future will go to plan. I'm just so exhausted and sad. And happiness just feels to me awkward now.
    If I'm going to be in this world I don't want to be around the people I love being fake faced, pretending to be happy when really I'm so sad. I just don't want that.
    I can't seem to talk to anyone besides on here is because I know someone will reply and I will be heard from somebody. I don't know, just the vent myself..
  24. smallwolf
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    16 April 2019 in reply to JazzK

    Hi Jazz,

    Just yesterday was a down day for me. Even though I work from home, I do this in an office space. The lady who sits next to me asked me how I was. My reply was "not to flash today". Her reply then came was from a place of sympathy, which was nice. She didn't pry or push it any further, and for me the ability to be or allowed to be honest was helpful. I understand my style is not for everyone, but if/when you can, allow yourself to be open/honest and vulnerable.

    And on happiness being awkward...I know that feeling also. A while ago, I was going to my kids swimming club, and for a brief moment I was happy. At the same time I was thinking, this feels foreign and wrong. Suffice to that I returned to my low mood.

    From before that time I have been seeing a psychologist. And bit by bit, via slow increments, I am returning to normal - if I ever was?!? I would not say that I was happy now (just ask my teens), but I am also not in the place where I was. Just somewhere in between.

    Anyway, keep talking here, we will listen to you.

    Peace,

    Tim

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