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Forums / Suicidal thoughts and self-harm / Mum being manipulative

Topic: Mum being manipulative

9 posts, 0 answered
  1. Bec_0503
    Bec_0503 avatar
    2 posts
    8 February 2019
    My mum about 2 weeks ago called me whilst i was driving. I picked up and she told me that she wanted to kill herself, i pulled over and we discussed for 10 minutes about not doing and me coming to get her. Then she said to me that once I leave for Uni she was going to feel so alone and she would probably end up killing herself. I was astounded that she would say something like this to me and i was so taken aback i had to end the phone call. I moved out about a week later after seeing my therapist and her telling me that it was completely okay to go to uni. fast forward to this week and i am going back home to finalise the moving when my mum tells me that her depression and anxiety is my fault and that i caused this distress. I immediately left and went to stay with my dad for the rest of the weekend and now I'm just struggling to even talk to her, i ignored 2 of her phone calls because it's just too much
  2. smallwolf
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    2026 posts
    8 February 2019 in reply to Bec_0503

    Hi Bec,

    welcome to beyond blue.

    I am hearing you. I guess that your therapist is giving you ideas for dealing with your mother? My issues regarding my parents are different to yours but in one conversation I had recently the person I was speaking to said it was a reflection of their own insecurities.

    And with that thought in mind, I wonder if she sees your moving out as a significant loss. If you go, how many people can your mother turn to for support? I am not telling you to stay, but perhaps putting yourself in her position?

    I wonder what you would tell a friend if they told you this story?

    I do feel for you and your situation. Perhaps finding out what compels her to this behaviour you might be able to find a solution together?

    Tim

    1 person found this helpful
  3. MsPurple
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    1434 posts
    8 February 2019 in reply to Bec_0503

    HI Bec and welcome to the forums

    Sorry to hear your mum said those terrible things to you. Mental illness is never caused by one person or thing. There are some genetic components, environmental factors and many other factors that can lead to it. I had a bad relationship with my step mum, but I don't think she is the sole reason I got an eating disorder, I think ikt may have had a part to play but it wasn't a reason. I know it must feel terrible to hear your mum say those things, but please don't believe it.

    Does your mum go to therapy or see a psychologist. She may need to talk through these feelings and need to blame someone for her feelings. I think it is also braave that you have come to the forums and talked your therapist about it. They seem to have great insight.

    You said you stayed with your dad. Are your parents divorsed? if so are they on good terms? maybe you could chat to both of them and see if you could talk it out. Now my divorsed parents could talk to each other but I not everyones parents are that way. Would you consider having a coffee with her in a cafe and chat about how she made you feel. Maybe she can discuss how she is feeling. It is not fair to blame anyone for all their problems, but you can discuss your issues together and work on it

    1 person found this helpful
  4. geoff
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    geoff avatar
    11619 posts
    9 February 2019 in reply to Bec_0503

    Good Morning Bec, and a warm welcome to you.

    This isn't your fault and I agree with Tim when he says does 'she sees your moving out as a significant loss' and with MsPurple when she says 'Mental illness is never caused by one person or thing' and your mother can't try and stop you from going to uni by saying these awful comments.

    Your mother needs medical help for her depression and anxiety and can't blame you for doing what you want to do and that's going to uni, and that her depression won't go away just by avoiding the situation that you have your own life to live.

    Sometimes people make threatening comments to someone they love because they feel they will be lonely but need to understand that it's impossible to hold onto the only person they feel they have left.

    It was sad when my 2 sons left home but I couldn't expect them to stay with me their whole life, they had their own ventures to pursue, but we are still in contact with each other.

    Please look after your own health and if you feel as though you are beginning to feel a bit down, then please have a talk with the uni counsellor as well as your doctor.

    Best wishes.

    Geoff.

    1 person found this helpful
  5. white knight
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    white knight avatar
    5865 posts
    9 February 2019 in reply to geoff

    Hi, welcome

    Fabulous advice from everyone.

    I had a mother that, when I was in my 20's used emotional blackmail eg "if you dont break off your relationship with that woman I'm leaving to go on a holiday"

    Eventually I read articles on EB and the next time dhe used it I said "good, I'll help you pack your suitcase"

    But she wasnt threatening to end her life. This is on another level.

    What I do suggest is to make a weekly appointment with her in a park or cafe where you can calmly enforce your reasonable boundaries and listen to her.

    This will give her something to look forward to and she might work towards a better more relaxed demeanor.

    However, you are entitled to your noundaries and that should include not tolerating blame nor blackmail/threats.

    Dont forget the flowers even if you get some from wild bushes!

    TonyWK

    1 person found this helpful
  6. Bec_0503
    Bec_0503 avatar
    2 posts
    11 February 2019 in reply to MsPurple
    She is currently in therapy and taking medication. I feel nervous to talk to her because I am worried what she will say or that she'll be irrational. My dad is aware of this now and he spoke to her about making sure i don't face the brute of it anymore and he told her to instead come to him with how she is feeling or to call the lifeline number. Which has helped me feel a bit better but I do feel anxious about seeing her
    1 person found this helpful
  7. SubduedBlues
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    SubduedBlues avatar
    794 posts
    11 February 2019 in reply to Bec_0503

    Hi Bec

    It is good to read that dear old mom is getting the help she needs, but you need to look out for yourself too.

    Perhaps you may want to consider having a support person with you when you go to see her next; a sibling or good friend. Then, maybe with you not being alone, she will be less inclined to cast blame your way.

    Let us know how you get on

    my best
    SB

  8. Molokow2019
    Molokow2019 avatar
    3 posts
    12 February 2019 in reply to Bec_0503
    I have also had this problem. Sounds like your mum is experiencing old age and depression. I had to tell her to stop talking to me like this and would tell her that I couldnt handle her talking like this and she is best to sort it out herself and then tell her to go to a gp. You got to put a boundary in.. but yeh, it is really really hard.
  9. MsPurple
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    MsPurple avatar
    1434 posts
    13 February 2019 in reply to Bec_0503

    HI Bec. Thanks for coming back

    I am glad your dad is trying to help you not face the brute of it all. I is a lot to handle. I know I would struggle if I were in your position. It is understandable that you are anxious to see her. Has your therapist helped with some advice on how to manage your anxiety regarding seeing her. I found that seeing my step mum again I found it easier to not do it alone. I was lucky cause I only had to see her at family events so others had my back. Would you consider going for a coffee with both your parents and talking about it all?

    I know this maybe a bit off topic but have you tried mediation. I tried it for a week only 10 mins a day before night. I found I could use those tools to help me reduce anxiety, especially in a stressful situation (I used it before my job interview today). Could be something to try. There are youtube videos and free apps that I have used.

    You are doing the best you can. You are doing really well with the situation. You have talked to your dad, discussed with therapist and come on the forums for advice. You are doing amazing

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