Hi to whoever is reading this, It feels strange to write this in public or rather online. Anyways, here I go.
Not long ago (a few months or so), I have started getting more and more suicidal thoughts/imaginations. There were also times during a day or a week, where I can vividly imagine myself getting harmed and get this tingling sensation. I always find it hard to express myself, and only I have started to learn to communicate this properly with my partner.
By communicating with my partner, I feel like I'm still a baby step towards understanding the real root of this problem. I haven't really had the best relationship with my mother since she was divorced when I was 5-7 years old (constant arguing, shouting etc..). I only came to find out they were divorced when I was 10 or so. Arguments got worse (I have anger issues) when we moved here in Australia with my step father. I was able to find out the reasons why they divorced when I turned 18 (I just turned 25 last month). Even though all of this is acceptable and may seem normal (I know even worse family problems that were shared online), I can't seem to stand the fact that I was left clueless of what was happening around me. The constant arguments grew bigger to the point that I can't stand to see my mother, without raising my voice. Sometimes I ignore my little brother (he's 10 now), my step father, and my mother, mainly because I don't feel like talking to them (can do this for months). I also hate the way my mother and step-father is raising my half-brother. I always feel guilty towards my half-brother, I can't be a good older brother to him and I am still trying. I tend to overwork for long hours (10+ hours a day) to ignore these thoughts. I am now at the final year of my PhD program and it sucks to have these thoughts. You would imagine a PhD student who's both smart and mature. But I really am not.
Things got worse now that I am back living with them due to COVID and would like to save more of my stipend scholarship for future means. Everytime I overhear my mother and step-father talking about me, I always think of the worse. Why can't they just say this to my face?
Anyways, my apologies for the rant. Reading over what I have written really clarifies that I think I myself is the problem. However, it has been clouding my mind for the whole year to the point, it may be better to just disappear, which I think is stupid.