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Forums / Suicidal thoughts and self-harm / Not in a good space

Topic: Not in a good space

  1. Katyonthehamsterwheel
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    9 December 2019
    It's like a feeling just bubbling up to the surface. It's panicky and disgusting and I dont' know what to do with it. There's no thoughts associated with it. It's a feeling. A really gross one. I called the Suicide Call Back service. I didn't find them helpful. What do you do? What helps you?
  2. Sophie_M
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    9 December 2019 in reply to Katyonthehamsterwheel
    Hi Katyonthehamsterwheel,

    It sounds like you’re managing many different feelings and emotions right now which must be very overwhelming. We hope that writing here can help you work through what you’re feeling. Maybe you can start by helping the community understand when you started feeling this way. What was happening in your life when you started to experience this feeling of things bubbling up to the surface? 
     
    When you feel up it, our Beyond Now suicide safety planning app may be a helpful resource to you. You can read about how it works and where to download it here: https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/beyondnow-suicide-safety-planning . You can even call Lifeline (131114) and compete it with one of their counsellors over the phone if you'd like.
     
    We look forward to hearing how you’re going, whenever you feel comfortable.
     
  3. Aaronsis
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    9 December 2019 in reply to Katyonthehamsterwheel

    Hey Katy

    I am so sorry you are having these feelings and that you did try to reach out and that the Suicide Call Back service was not helpful. Would you be up for trying LIfeline 13 11 14 or perhaps even the Beyond Blue line on 1300 22 4636?...I know it is annoying to have to retell a tale but sometimes you just never know who is on the other end and it just might be that person who can connect with you and make a difference to you, as you experienced sometimes not, but we are all human and we make connections with different people, would you be up to reaching out to them?

    I have no idea how you are feeling and I have no idea what to tell you to make this go away, but I would give anything to know the answers and to make feelings like this never exist. I am sure that you have some things in place that you can do to try to make you feel better but clearly that is not working today. I am so sorry this is happening I really am and if I could be there to hug you I would.

    Please don't hesitate to call 000 either and get an ambulance if you really are so pained you don't know what to do and you don't feel safe. Please make that call.

    Huge hugs to you Katy and my heart and support go out to you at this time.

    Hugs

    AS

    1 person found this helpful
  4. Katyonthehamsterwheel
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    9 December 2019 in reply to Sophie_M
    As I've posted elsewhere I recently suffered a pregnancy loss, followed by my partner leaving me and moving on really quickly with someone else. Most days I just cry a lot. But then there are days like today where a feeling just rises up out of nowhere and along with it suicidal thoughts. Its scary. I feel ill and shaky.
  5. Aaronsis
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    10 December 2019 in reply to Katyonthehamsterwheel

    Hey Katy

    Just reaching out this morning to check to see how you are doing and yesterday was a particularly hard day for you. I hope that today is better and that you can find something today to make you smile.

    Hope to chat soon

    AS

  6. Katyonthehamsterwheel
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    10 December 2019 in reply to Aaronsis

    Hi there

    Yes, yesterday was a 10 on the richter scale but here I am, still here. I don't really know what to do in that space, but breathe and hold on. Maybe no-one else knows either. Thanks for reaching out. Your kindness is appreciated x

    Katy

  7. Aaronsis
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    10 December 2019 in reply to Katyonthehamsterwheel

    So wonderful to hear from you Katy and that today is nothing like yesterday.

    Well done for reaching out and getting some support when you are feeling at a 10. Although I have no idea how it feels and I so very grateful for that, I am here for you to chat and to try to understand and listen when you need it.

    Breathing and holding on, absolutely and perhaps even putting a call in to say Lifeline 13 11 14 to get some tips on what to do in those scary and dark moments. I am so proud of you for holding on and so very grateful that you are still here, I really mean that.

    What are some of the techniques that you have used in the past to get through these times when you feel so overwhelmed and so very scared and over it? Only if you want to share that is.

    Great to chat to you Katy and so very happy you are reaching out xx

    1 person found this helpful
  8. iamanxiety
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    79 posts
    10 December 2019 in reply to Katyonthehamsterwheel
    Hi Katy,

    sorry to hear about your current situation, I know it can feel like hell. I have recently been at my lowest myself and am just starting to see some light myself .

    these forums have been great and there is a lot of knowledge on here that can help.

    if you feel up to it tell us what help you are currently receiving if any as this may help the forum give you better advise .

    hang in there ,there is help
    Andrew
    3 people found this helpful
  9. Katyonthehamsterwheel
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    10 December 2019 in reply to Aaronsis
    Thanks, yeah maybe I'll try lifeline next time, as I didn't find the other line helpful. In the past I've been lucky I've had people I could ask for help, to just sit with me until I'm ok. I don't have anyone any more. I don't think I'm the only one that is all alone. Poor mental health tends to take us away from people. I think that's why these forums and people like yourself are so important.
  10. Aaronsis
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    10 December 2019 in reply to Katyonthehamsterwheel

    I am sorry to hear that the other line was not helpful, but just the same as doctors and people in life, we don't connect with everyone, so perhaps you got someone that didn't make the connection with you and hopefully if you can keep reaching out and trying that maybe you get a person that can give you something that resonates and works for you.

    Thanks so very much for your kind words about this community, there are so many special and wonderful people here, and one of them is you. Together we get mental health issues out in the open and together we talk and support each other. Not to mention all the people that read these threads that don't comment, we are supporting them too, so thank you for be apart of this amazing community.

    AS

  11. Katyonthehamsterwheel
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    10 December 2019 in reply to iamanxiety
    Andrew, thanks for reaching out to me. I'm sorry you've been in this space too, but glad to hear you're feeling a little better, that's great. I do browse the forums on my less yuk days and note down things that people have suggested as helpful. I have a great GP and psychologist who both tell me I've handled well all the things that have happened in the past 2 months of my life, and I think I have, because I've been putting in place a lot of things to stay on track. But then there are days like yesterday, when everything sort of peaks out of nowhere and nothing helps. I have a feeling you'll know what I mean. Those days are scary. Katy
  12. iamanxiety
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    79 posts
    10 December 2019 in reply to Katyonthehamsterwheel
    Hi Katy,

    good to hear you are getting some proffesional help, they helped me in many ways although finding the right one was difficult especially when you are not in the right mindset to open up and seek help.

    if you are getting results from them that's great but don't be afraid to try other things that may benefit you.

    I myself am searching for a new pcsycoligist as my previous one that I clicked with is no longer working ,so here I go again in search of a good practitioner. .

    I feel the same in respect to feeling as I have no one,so the forums have helped some. my freinds are possibly not the type to understand and I feel a shame in opening up as I feel as I've failed somehow.

    I show my physical injurys with a laught or even pride when I tell a funny story about it but mental health seems so hard to share for me, I feel less of a person .

    enough about me ,keep us posted on your travels and keep strong

    Andrew
    5 people found this helpful
  13. Katyonthehamsterwheel
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    10 December 2019 in reply to iamanxiety

    Andrew

    Yes, stigma around mental health still exists unfortunately. My ex used to say to me: "don't be embarassed about the things you can't do due to your anxiety. Would you be embarassed if you couldn't throw a ball because your arm was broken?". And he was right, of course. We're not embarassed about physical ailments, and our brain is a part of our body, and that's where the "problem" lies. So why can't we talk about it?

    That being said, my ex also left me because he couldn't deal with my anxiety. Sigh

    Anyway I hope you find a professional you gel with. It's important. And I really wish you well. Appreciate you taking the time to reply.

    Katy

    1 person found this helpful
  14. iamanxiety
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    79 posts
    12 December 2019 in reply to Katyonthehamsterwheel
    Hi Katy,

    just checking in. I read your previous posts again and also have had a pregnancy loss and now loss of partner. I am experiencing it from a male perspective so can't pretend to know how it affected you.

    I know it's a lot to deal with all at once and the timing of your situation seems harsh .

    just thinking of you,take care

    Andrew
  15. Katyonthehamsterwheel
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    12 December 2019 in reply to iamanxiety

    Hi Andrew

    I'm very sorry to hear that you've had a similar experience to mine. I imagine it affects everyone differently, but I just can't stop thinking that I meant nothing and this bubba meant nothing to my ex who just went off and found someone else and seems quite happy. I still cry every day and thinking of him happy really hurts, although I want him to be happy. I just wish my mind would stop whirring on and on thinking about it all.

    Thanks for thinking of me. Feeling very alone. Katy

  16. iamanxiety
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    79 posts
    12 December 2019 in reply to Katyonthehamsterwheel
    Hi Katy,

    I seem to be low in the morning but once I get moving it gets better . very slow improvement though. still an improvement to feeling like ending it and not leaving house.

    don't assume you meant nothing to him . I've seen it a thousand times ,people move on to fast because they need someone to lean on and can't be alone . generally they are not happy themselves and use this as a distraction. just my thoughts.

    people tell me I seem quite happy. i guess I've become good at hiding it. I'm shocked cause inside I'm wasted .

    Andrew
  17. blondguy
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    12 December 2019 in reply to Katyonthehamsterwheel

    Hey Katy

    Sorry for being a latecomer on your thread...You mentioned something that got my attention.....Your ex left you because he couldnt deal with your anxiety condition....Did he mention your anxiety specifically? Either way its awful for you Katy yet its his loss as he made the decision

    I used to have frequent chronic anxiety attacks and my relationships were very short lived....sigh....I read that you have some days that are a 10 on the Richter scale...(excellent scale of reference by the way!) Can I ask if your anxiety impedes on your day to day well being?

    my kindest always.....and a huge thankyou for the support you have provided to others on the forums :-)

    Paul

  18. Katyonthehamsterwheel
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    13 December 2019 in reply to iamanxiety

    Andrew I love that things seem a little better for you, and that you're here on the forum helping others. You mentioned that mornings are low, but once you get moving they improve. I'm wondering if it's anything you're doing that you're finding helpful? I'm always looking for strategies to try.

    Katy

  19. Katyonthehamsterwheel
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    13 December 2019 in reply to blondguy

    Hi Paul

    Thanks for your reply. Yes, he specifically says it was my anxiety that was the problem. He'd said it many times before so it wasn't a surprise. I would have anxious reactions to things that he said, or did or didn't do, sometimes to the point of panic. It wasn't easy on either of us to be fair. But he also said it was ok, and he wasn't going anywhere... right before he left. Which was really poor timing as I was still grieving my loss. Or what I thought was our loss. I guess the timing hurts the most. Leaving me when I felt we should be supporting each other, and finding someone else so quickly when I'm still grieving my baby AND our relationship. I dont' know. I can't make sense of it. But we don't really know how someone thinks/feels, as Andrew has mentioned. And it's clear you understand how anxiety interferes in relationships. I'm sorry that it was the same way for you Paul. To answer your question, yes my anxiety impacts on me every day. It's the level that varies. I also suffer random bouts of depression, though not as often as I used to.

    Kind thoughts, Katy

  20. iamanxiety
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    13 December 2019 in reply to Katyonthehamsterwheel
    Hi Katy,

    I've noticed you on here also, it's been good chatting to you.

    I don't know why it's mornings ,I can't find the trigger but I wake up in despair and dread the day and life in general. it's every morning like groundhog day lol.

    I notice when I get busy running errands or doing something with kids for example it seems to fade.

    I think I need to force myself to do something as soon as I get up and not sit around and mope for a few hours, so get up as soon as I'm awake shower and get out even though it's the last thing I want to do and I struggle.

    it's 2pm now, been to a few doctors appointments and I'm much better than a few hours ago.

    it's not helping I'm out of work as I have nerve damage in my arm ,hand semi paralyzed and recently tore my bicep training. training used to help my symptoms too,now I can't.

    how are you doing .
  21. iamanxiety
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    79 posts
    13 December 2019 in reply to Katyonthehamsterwheel
    Hi Katy,

    I completely missed your post. unfortunately MI can be a relationship killer . if the foundation is there you would hope for some support but it often dosent happen that way. the timing for the break up seems very harsh and some compassion at this time was needed.

    good to hear the deppresion is not as severe but anxiety can be equally as crippling.

    I'm hoping it's still early days for you in the grieving in that I mean as time goes on things will improve . getting through this difficult time I can imagine is tough and I hope you can get some relief soon.

    Andrew
  22. Katyonthehamsterwheel
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    13 December 2019 in reply to iamanxiety

    Andrew

    You said "every morning is like groundhog day" and I agree. That's why my name on here is Katyonthehamsterwheel - just going round and round and getting nowhere :( I understand totally. And forcing ourselves to do things that are good for us is hard with no motivation, even though we feel better when we do them. What a bugger about the bicep! Hope you recover soon. As far as work goes, being out of work isn't good for MI either. I haven't worked in over a decade. Is there some other type of work you could do? Or are you not currently up to it? I know you've been trying to get your meds modified.

    As for me, yes I think it's still early in the grief process. Lots of things still make me cry and Xmas will be hard. I feel if my partner had stuck around perhaps it would have been easier, or just different. But I've been dealing with two losses and it's really been heavy. Thanks for caring.

    Katy

  23. iamanxiety
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    79 posts
    13 December 2019 in reply to Katyonthehamsterwheel
    Hi Katy,

    totally agree,this Xmas is going to be tough. many on this site find it an especially hard time of year for a number of reasons. I personally don't need the added stress of it all.

    long break from work is hard and getting back into it with your mind not in the right place is even harder. I could do other things in my industry but feel like it may be to much for me to handle at the moment. I am going to try volunteer work and part time to ease my way back into it. possible something you may try to ease the transition m, that is if your are up to it at this time. getting social may help as long as it is not too intense.

    all the best with the holiday period,I personally can't wait till it's past.

    Andrew
  24. blondguy
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    14 December 2019 in reply to Katyonthehamsterwheel

    Hi Katy

    I am not sure how your anxiety impacts on your day to day well being (sorry..just trying to understand) In my 20's my anxiety was that chronic that I had difficulty leaving my home..ugh....Do you ever have similar anxiety?

    Please disregard the question if its inappropriate :-)

    Paul

  25. Katyonthehamsterwheel
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    14 December 2019 in reply to iamanxiety

    Hey Andrew, haven't seen you around the forums today so hoping that's a good sign and things are going ok. Check in and say hi if you feel the need :)

    Thinking of you, Katy

  26. Katyonthehamsterwheel
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    15 December 2019 in reply to blondguy

    Hi Paul

    Not inappropriate and no need to be sorry, your thoughts and care are appreciated. Just over a decade ago my anxiety impacted to the point I had trouble leaving the house, that's when I sought help. I also haven't been able to work in that entire time. I have generalized anxiety disorder, so it focuses itself all over the place and I worry and freak out over all sorts of things. I also suffer bouts of depression. I feel really up and down at the moment (well mostly down I guess), and the bad thoughts are either right up close or lingering in the background. Today in Coles it felt really weird to be selecting fruit and concurrently thinking "I want to die". I looked around at all the other people shopping and wondered if any of them felt the same...

    A rather morbid Katy

  27. iamanxiety
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    15 December 2019 in reply to Katyonthehamsterwheel
    Hi Katy,

    I went to a bbq with some freinds and was able to keep my anxiety at bay most of the day although I wasn't really myself but I did ok.

    I too have had anxiety to the point of not been able to leave the house, it was hell I could not function, avoided calls,contact with anyone and could not control my thoughts. I thought I would never break out of it. slowly I'm making progress. I also have major deppresion but anxiety was crippling ,I felt like a vegetable stuck at home hiding from life .

    Are you on medications for your anxiety. I am and they saved my life. it settled my thoughts and made it easier to do other things to improve myself such as pcsycology, exercise etc.

    I'm hoping to slowly get myself back to the real world slowly and I'm taking it in baby steps for now.

    hope your doing ok feel free to chat and ask me questions. happy to share my mess of a journey

    Andrew
  28. blondguy
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    16 December 2019 in reply to Katyonthehamsterwheel

    Hey Katy

    There is nothing morbid about Katy, Katy! You have spoken from the heart and that takes great strength. I felt like I was reading about my own experience when I read your post

    I do understand what you have been going through and it can be dark place...absolutely!

    Speaking about Coles...one of my siblings was in Coles a few months ago in the queue for the checkout...2 people in front of her....and was that panic stricken she leaned forward and gave a note to the checkout girl......saying if she collapses to call her partner immediately....and then went back in the queue to wait...oh my god!

    The huge problem with that is the poor checkout girl who then became frightened and left....My sibling refuses to acknowledge or 'own' her anxiety condition....and is in a continual state of denial now after several acute anxiety attacks.....

    This is why you are as strong as you are Katy...

    Excuse I for rambling on....oops!

    Paul

  29. Purple4
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    67 posts
    17 December 2019

    Katy you have been a wonderful support to me on the forums. I really do wish we lived closer.

    Just wanted to send a quick message to let you know I am sending love and thinking of you

    Deb xx

  30. Katyonthehamsterwheel
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    17 December 2019 in reply to iamanxiety

    Andrew, thanks for thinking of me. I'm so happy to hear things are on the improve for you. That makes me feel good. I wish you good thoughts moving forward x

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