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Forums / Suicidal thoughts and self-harm / Not in a good space

Topic: Not in a good space

  1. Hanna3
    Hanna3 avatar
    2790 posts
    20 July 2021 in reply to Katyonthehamsterwheel

    Hi. Katy

    We have sleet here today. It was brisk walking weather this morning!

    I made a chicken and mushroom casserole and froze it in portions - very yummy and cheap to make!

    You did finish your degree it's only the Hons that you might not finish. That's not the end of your chances to study further if you want to.

    We have a covid case in a little town not far from here. Bummer. My second shot isn't due for a couple of months yet. So I haven't got much immunity. Trying to stay outside as much as possible.

    Looked at tablets in the good guys this morning - would like a small one as well as my laptop but I need another hundred dollars to get the laptop fixed - it cost me that much yesterday to get the problem diagnosed.

    I'm tired of being poor!!!

    💟🙂🐾🏂🎿🍵⛄

  2. Sleepy21
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    20 July 2021 in reply to Katyonthehamsterwheel

    lol definitely not worth it for a pea pod

    honors is such a tough year, hang in there katy, im sorry its so hard

  3. Katyonthehamsterwheel
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    20 July 2021

    Finished my lovely book. What a joy to read. That’s 2/2 on Obama recommendations 😄

    I had to google sleet. Sounds horrible! Cold and rainy here. It’s never ending and so odd.

    I need to pass my prac still to get my degree. I could write a great thesis and not end up with a degree. That would be odd. Still, day at a time as EM advised. Wise woman that one :)

    I’m going to attempt to get back to GROW tomorrow and see if I can get back on track!

    Thanks as ever for the understanding and encouragement x

  4. Hanna3
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    2790 posts
    21 July 2021 in reply to Katyonthehamsterwheel

    Hi. Katy

    How are you travelling? I hope you make it to the Grow meeting.

    I got extra books from the library today in case of a lock down here.

    Any news about your prac?

    Best wishes! 🌸🎶🌼🐕🌿🌷🏵️🦠💟

  5. Katyonthehamsterwheel
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    21 July 2021 in reply to Hanna3

    Hi Hanna

    I was just sharing my excitement in the gardening thread about picking my first peas! Yum!

    Good idea about the extra library books. It sounds like the virus is close to you. That’s a worry. Have you also stocked up your pantry? I guess that’s hard on a budget. Darn money! It’s good you’ll be able to fix your laptop and not too expensive by the sounds. I had to have the hard drive replaced on my last one.

    I sold a heap of books today. I normally just take them to the Salvos. Got all excited about buying new shoes with the money until the car rego bill arrived in the mail. Ouch!

    I’ll start prac in August now if I can manage. Need to get in a good mental space prior. A few hours to psych myself up for GROW! Hope I can do it :)

    Sorry to hear they’ve moved your music lessons too. You’re right - arts are not prioritised, despite, as my supervisor pointed out, that’s what’s kept us sane during the pandemic. Hmph

    Did you chat to the friendly librarian today? Nice to have that socialisation even if she isn’t keen for coffee, right? I’ve felt a bit lonely today too - more incentive to try get to GROW!

    Hugs n pats 🤗

  6. Paw Prints
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    21 July 2021 in reply to Katyonthehamsterwheel

    Hello Katy,

    Congrats on picking your first peas!!!... yayy!!!... they are very yum just out of the pod... not such good news about your Kangaroo Paw... I wonder how much the extra wet cool weather you have been having this year contributed to it not lasting... when I think of WA plants I think of them needing warm dryish conditions...

    I will keep fingers & paws crossed you make it to GROW... try to remember how it wasn't as scary as you feared last time...

    I hope the weather clears for you & Miss Stormy to get out & about

    Hugs

    Paws

  7. Hanna3
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    2790 posts
    21 July 2021 in reply to Katyonthehamsterwheel

    Hi Katy

    Will reply properly later but good luck with the Grow meeting!

    Yes virus very close here..

    Glad you've got another prac opportunity!

    Laptop repairs will cost a couple of hundred... Eeek.

    Chat later hugs 💖🐕🍀

  8. Katyonthehamsterwheel
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    1443 posts
    21 July 2021
    I made it to GROW and it was very very horrible and I came home and wanted to (suicide). Went for a drive to get away from myself (?) and who am I driving behind when I really really could have done with someone to care about me? Always. Always. My life is stupid.
  9. Sophie_M
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    5177 posts
    21 July 2021 in reply to Katyonthehamsterwheel
    Hey Katy,

    Thanks for reaching out,

    We're sorry to hear your session with GROW was horrible. Do you feel comfortable sharing more about this experience with us? We can imagine you must be feeling so disheartened at how poorly this first session has gone. 

    We've sent a private reply to check in with you. 
  10. Paw Prints
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    22 July 2021 in reply to Katyonthehamsterwheel

    Oh Katy lass...

    I'm so sorry the Grow meeting was so terrible for you... lass do you want to talk about it???... or even something completely different... I'm here & listening for you...

    Lass I will keep popping in to check on you (no pressure for you to reply)

    Paws

    1 person found this helpful
  11. Hanna3
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    2790 posts
    22 July 2021 in reply to Katyonthehamsterwheel

    Hi Katy

    I'm so sorry you've had such a bad experience at GROW.

    You've been down for a while now.

    Remember you're a smart woman and you can get past all this. Just pamper yourself a bit today. Take Stormy for a lovely walk. Look at the sea. Being in nature helps.

    I haven't got much time today but will try to check in later.

    Hugs 💖🐕🐾🌻🍀🏵️🌼🥀🎶💟🌴🌷🐦

  12. Paw Prints
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    22 July 2021 in reply to Katyonthehamsterwheel

    Hello Lass

    Just popping in to let you know I'm thinking of you...

    Gentlest of hugs

    Paws

  13. Sleepy21
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    22 July 2021 in reply to Katyonthehamsterwheel

    HI Katy,

    That sounds awful, i know the feeling of leaving very distressed and upset, moreso than before, after contacting or using a mh service. ur an amazing and lovely person, so sorry you went through that and hope you feel better

    2 people found this helpful
  14. golden82
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    352 posts
    22 July 2021 in reply to Katyonthehamsterwheel

    Hi Katy,

    Sorry to read of your distress. I get the same and so tend to avoid groups and opt more for 1:1, even if over the phone. I find it is a safer space as less chance of being triggered. I hope you are okay now and continue to reach out and chat here on your thread where as you can see you have all of us in your corner. You guys are all I have - thru these lockdowns not a single 'friend' even msg a hi. The support line helped me to see it is not a reflection on me - but on them. Same goes for you. You are a worthy person (not a stupid life at all). Take care of yourself 1st!!

    From Golden :)

    4 people found this helpful
  15. Hanna3
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    2790 posts
    22 July 2021 in reply to Hanna3
    Back after music to check how you are. Sending hugs dear Katy 🌼🍀🥀💖🎶
  16. Katyonthehamsterwheel
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    1443 posts
    22 July 2021

    Still in bed with Stormy curled up next to me. She looks so small and sweet when she snuggles in.

    I don’t really get how GROW works, only that it supposedly does. It’s been around a long time. My ex used to nag me to go - “try something new” he’d say. One part is sharing a problem. I did for the first time, talked about not getting to prac. I said I was uncomfortable talking about it but was encouraged to “get it out”. Everyone was lovely, but it felt horrible talking, and I said so. When I left, it felt worse. Not sure why. Being in a crap mental space? Not liking talking full stop? Or maybe groups aren’t right for some people, as Golden suggests? Anyway, gross.

    And why does the universe insist on sticking my ex in my path in those moments when I wish I had someone to talk to and hug? It’s like it’s giving me the finger sign.

    (post or delete? Post or delete? Uggghhh. Feel gross rn)

    1 person found this helpful
  17. Paw Prints
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    22 July 2021 in reply to Katyonthehamsterwheel

    Hello Katy,

    Snuggling in bed with Miss Storm sounds very comforting...

    Lass it's possible attending GROW would get easier each time you went... you've done the hard part & opened up in front of others for the first time... or maybe as you mentioned group sessions just aren't what suits you... remember what works for one person doesn't necessarily work for everyone... we are all different...

    I do agree the universe is good at kicking us when we are already down... but you you are strong enough to get back up... remember lass you are loved & cared about... not just on here... you have family who care for you... not to mention Stormy...

    Lass I wonder if you were able to talk about what happened at the GROW meeting with your psych it might help you to process it all?... just a thought.

    Hugs from me & gentle snuffles from Woofa

    Paws

  18. Hanna3
    Hanna3 avatar
    2790 posts
    22 July 2021 in reply to Katyonthehamsterwheel

    Hi Katy

    I thought it was your ex that you found yourself driving behind. Sometimes we can feel as if the universe is out to get us can't we?!!!!! Of all times...

    For myself I never liked groups. That's probably because I don't trust people to always be kind or helpful.

    Paws could be right too, that talking about it the first time to people you don't know was very confronting and has overwhelmed you temporarily.

    What do you think it was? Are you able to figure out what the problem was?

    It was brave of you to talk about your feelings and fears to other people. I think you should appreciate how much courage that took. Maybe it's drained you a bit. Give yourself time to recover and permission to feel a bit wobbly for a while.

    I have stuff on my mind about my music teacher which has probably been obvious... I need to think a lot. It's a difficult situation.

    So I'm off to contemplate what to do about my feelings for this very sensitive man....we talked again for 3 hours tonight - and and you take care of yourself.

    Hugs 💖

  19. Sleepy21
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    22 July 2021 in reply to Katyonthehamsterwheel

    hi katy, me agian here, far out about your ex ... you poor thing. hope u feel so much better so soon, i wouldnt like to bump into someone from my past at any time, let alone on a difficult day.

    hope u feel better xo

    1 person found this helpful
  20. Katyonthehamsterwheel
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    1443 posts
    23 July 2021

    Hello

    I did not write a worthwhile reply earlier and wanted to try again. Firstly, thankyou all for being here- it really means so much.

    Golden - Thankyou so much for your kindness. I’m sorry to hear that your friends haven’t checked in with you during lockdown. I’m very glad the helplines were supportive. Please know you’re welcome here (on this thread) any time. I looked to see if you had a thread but couldn’t find one. Any time you want a friend though, we’re here for you.

    Hanna - glad you got to music and had some wonderful conversation. I hope you’re able to sort through your thoughts about the situation. I imagine if you wanted to share you would have, but if you do want to talk it through, please know we’re here for you. Thanks for coming by.

    Paws - thanks for checking in on me, and the hugs. I think talking it through with my therapist is a good idea as I don’t want to necessarily give up, just manage it better. Thankyou.

    Sleepy - yes! I only seem to see my ex when I’m vulnerable. What’s with that? Well I’m about to put on a scary Netflix movie. I don’t think you’re into scary ones. But I hope you’ve been finding some nice ways to pass the time. Thanks for always making me feel understood.

    Hugs to all. You’re all wonderful and I’m so glad you’re here x

    2 people found this helpful
  21. Hanna3
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    2790 posts
    23 July 2021 in reply to Katyonthehamsterwheel

    Hi Katy and everyone

    A scary movie - well whatever works!!! Talking with your psych sounds like a good idea. Hope you're feeling a tad better.

    I'm up late on a gloomy overcast day.

    Thanks Katy I'll post something on my thread sometime.. Re my teacher... One wounded person meets another wounded person, it's a recipe for a sweet and difficult relationship. He's a very sensitive guy. I need to do some thinking! It's OK.

    Hugs 🐕🌼

  22. Paw Prints
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    23 July 2021 in reply to Katyonthehamsterwheel

    Hello Katy,

    How are you today lass??... I hope now you have slept on things you are feeling at least a bit pleased with yourself for managing the meeting... to say out loud to a psych/counsellor what we are going through I've found can open the flood gates to all the painful emotions we have been carrying around... to allow yourself to open up to a room full of strangers (which must add to how vulnerable you were feeling)... was very brave & being overwhelmed by it all seems to me very natural

    Like Sleepy I'm not a fan of scary movies... I'm more a Shaun the Sheep lass...

    I think a walk with Stormy to get a giant pink lamington sounds the go to for today...

    Hugs

    Paws

    1 person found this helpful
  23. Katyonthehamsterwheel
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    23 July 2021 in reply to Paw Prints

    Hi Paws

    Not quite sure how to feel about things still and can’t see my psych for another month. You’re right though. I don’t like to talk about my anxiety, so to do so in front of a bunch of strangers and to cry as I always do when I talk about it - because it hurts and limits my life so - was super uncomfortable. I’m not sure it served a purpose. I know the group then suggests solutions and readings from “the book”. But I’d rather talk here or to my psych. I don’t know… hmmm

    Well I’ve started cleaning for my upcoming rent inspection - yuk! Today I wiped skirting boards, cleaned food off the wall (um, Storm, how?), vacuumed spider webs, cleaned air vents and had to pull out the very heavy washing machine as mr boy cat decided it behind it was a good place to toilet. I deserve a pink lamington! Alas, I’m poor til Tuesday.

    By the way - is it EVER going to stop raining? Arrrggghhhh

    Hope you’re well, lovely Paws. Hugs to you and ear scratches to your big guy x

  24. Hanna3
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    2790 posts
    23 July 2021 in reply to Katyonthehamsterwheel

    Hi. Katy

    It seems to be endlessly raining here too. It sounds like you've at least managed to get a lot of housework done which is quite an achievement!

    I hope you enjoy that pink lamington which sounds well deserved!

    Your anxiety must be an absolute pain. Makes me wonder what my teacher must go through. I presume it's agonising and embarrassing. I think he stays alone most of the time. It's a dreadfully isolating condition isn't it?

    I wonder how you'd find being a social worker in a psych unit where you'd have wonderful empathy with the people suffering mh problems. I guess again it's the contact and pressure that might make that difficult. You have experiences that would be immensely valuable in a social worker.

    I'm about to try a movie on sbs movies. I missed the show on women in parliament on Monday night because the Abc lost signal for hours. I really wanted to watch it.

    We'll done for at least giving GROW a second chance which took courage. I'm just sorry it was so tough for you.

    Good on you for doing that and the housework and helping me today!

    Cheers! 😊🧚‍♂️🦘🌿🐦☔💌

  25. Katyonthehamsterwheel
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    24 July 2021 in reply to Hanna3

    Good morning

    Yes, it is an isolating condition, because you want to be around people but it’s hard to be around them too. So you cut yourself off to feel safe and end up feeling lonely. My online uni friends from out of town are driving to my town for uni prac sessions this semester, even though they could do them online, because they want to catch up with everyone. Meanwhile I’m trying to get out of attending at all. It fascinates me that the thing that terrifies me is the same thing that other people find pleasurable.

    Anyway… if you get your laptop fixed you’ll be able watch women in parliament on catch-up tv. More boring housework here today - what are your plans?

    Katy

  26. Hanna3
    Hanna3 avatar
    2790 posts
    24 July 2021 in reply to Katyonthehamsterwheel

    Hi. Katy

    You give me a good idea of what G must go through. I did get panic attacks when I was younger and they were very debilitating. You're right, you end up avoiding things that otherwise you'd have liked to do. When are your uni friends coming up?

    I've walked Sam and had a phone chat with an elderly friend in the city who gets lonely. Now having coffee in the car while I play music and enjoy the view over the mountains!

    I was planning to have a nice day out on another town this week but it's in lock down 😕

    Town here is very quiet everyone is worried about the virus and we don't want a lock down. I'll have to pay to get the hard drive on my laptop fixed as music lessons may have to go onto zoom at any time... Money money, help!

    Got to do some house work this arvo. Sam is definitely turning into a cat these days it's hard to get him off the bed! He snuggles up and doesn't want to move!

    Also ducking to the library to get some books in case of lock down! Some people stock up on food I stock up on books and DVDs!!!,

    Hope your day is a good one 😊🐦💌🏖️🌅

  27. Katyonthehamsterwheel
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    25 July 2021 in reply to Hanna3

    Hiya

    Really really need to start on my thesis and do more cleaning, but I’m still in bed. The weather is miserable and no end in sight. I’d be more motivated if the sun was shining (and I had money for a pink lamington!!!). Yes, money money help!

    Did you see the big anti lockdown rallies on the news? That must be an awful worry for you guys in the eastern states. Do stay safe. Hope you found lots of nice entertainment at the library! I’d love to just stay in bed with a good book and Storm curled up warm under the covers ♥️

    ok dragging myself out of bed… wish me luck!

    Katy 🌧🌧🌧

  28. Hanna3
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    2790 posts
    25 July 2021 in reply to Katyonthehamsterwheel

    Hi Katy

    How are you going? I took Sam for a long walk and we had snow and rain at the same time! It was freezing but marvellous fun! I may have to chip the ice off us both...

    Yep those protesters are nuts and will spread the virus and everyone here is so anxious and being so careful.

    The Spanish Flu gave people Parkinsons Disease in later life and they are warning they are seeing changes in the brains of young people who contract this virus so it's really serious.

    I hope you can manage a pink lamington treat for yourself this week! Make it a couple. 😊

    My hands are frozen! I'm off to get a hot cuppa!

    Hugs! 💖😷🎆🧁🍵🧩🌊🔥

  29. Hanna3
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    2790 posts
    26 July 2021 in reply to Katyonthehamsterwheel

    Hi Katy

    Do you have some bad weather heading your way? Hope you are going OK. Sending a hug. 🌞🍃🎆🦘🧩💕😷🌊🧚‍♂️

  30. Katyonthehamsterwheel
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    26 July 2021 in reply to Hanna3

    Hello

    Hanna I love that you have fun even in what sounds like terrible weather! Good on you ♥️

    Yes, we have another big storm incoming, but at the moment it’s t-shirt weather warm and I’m sitting outside in the sunshine! It’s divine! Especially after having just come back from the vets. My girl cat had another turn last night. The vet said her heart rate is super elevated, and he’s taken blood and will call tomorrow. She may need to go on heart meds which I can’t afford. I don’t even want to think about it for now.

    Gosh it’s so nice out here!!!

    I have more cleaning to do for my rent inspection - boring!

    Let us know how you get on with the laptop.

    Hugs, Katy

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