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Forums / Suicidal thoughts and self-harm / Not in a good space

Topic: Not in a good space

  1. Paw Prints
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    9 August 2021 in reply to Katyonthehamsterwheel

    Hello Katy,

    Here is a big cyber hug xxx

    Oh lass... I wonder if this is a reaction after trying so hard to get through doing the prac this week... you were putting so much mental effort into it...

    It's good to hear you have an appointment with the Dr... there's nothing wrong with taking the magic pills... I know I'm on them forever...

    Lass I will keep popping in if you want to talk...

    Gentlest of hugs

    Paws

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  2. golden82
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    9 August 2021 in reply to Paw Prints

    hi Katy,

    Sorry to read your brave and raw post. It is hard, damn hard - especially with the world the way it is and for 18mo.. it is exhausting on us all. It is not surprising to have been struggling more last year and this year. I have been spiraling too - with agoraphobia back at rock bottom again. I called 3 helplines today. And one she cut me off and ended the call.. blimey?? But the other 2 were okay. Call them if you need. Even if to just quiet the mind for a bit. And we are here off/on too. Go easy on yourself. I need to do the same I was told lol. One day at a time. Hugs from me too :)

    3 people found this helpful
  3. Sleepy21
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    9 August 2021 in reply to Katyonthehamsterwheel

    hi katy, i ask myself the same, why is it so hard? i dont have the answers but am here with a listening ear, u have a team besides u here giving u encouragement and care... even though it sometimes doesn't feel like it...

    rough days suck, and i'm sorry its been a sh* weekend.
    are u okay today? how are u finding the start of the week?

    sending care and support and hugs to u and ur cats and Storm.

    1 person found this helpful
  4. Hanna3
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    9 August 2021 in reply to Katyonthehamsterwheel
    I. Hope you get some help today Katy. Too much pressure lately maybe? Hugs from Sam and me here 💕🐕🌻🐾🌿🌼
  5. Katyonthehamsterwheel
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    10 August 2021

    Stayed in bed today.

    I’d been feeling good about managing all week - prac and GROW. There were even crisis situations at both and I still held my crap together. So proud of me. Wanted to stay with the momentum so I went to yoga. Was feeling like I was managing things again. Then after yoga I saw my ex face to face - and crash. Tried to stop myself falling in a hole, but couldn’t.

    I feel like there’s all these stored thoughts and feelings around him, with nowhere to go. Ive felt like that this whole time. I feel like if I could just put them somewhere I could move past it. So today I started a blog. But that’s not quite right either. Maybe I need to journal it instead. No-one needs to see it. I just need to get all these thoughts and feelings out, so I can separate them from my thoughts about Z. They’re all tangled up in there together and it’s painful. Maybe I’m only making sense to me right now, but that’s ok too. This needs to come out.

    What I was trying to say in my last post was that when the anniversary of losing Z rolled around last year, I was a lunatic mess. I want to prepare myself to handle it better this year.

    Right, I feel a bit better already. I keep reading and hearing how important it is to get our thoughts out. It’s true. It’s just that not everything belongs here, so you gotta work out where to put it.

    (And a little sidebar to anyone who might be reading and struggling with their own stuff - life’s frigging complicated, right?! I wish you masses of strength, encouragement and non-judgement for your journey)

    Paws, Golden, Sleepy, EM, Hanna hugs back at you all 🌻

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  6. golden82
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    10 August 2021 in reply to Katyonthehamsterwheel

    Hi Katy,

    How are you feeling now/tomorrow (Tues)? I am posting this after midnight lol. I hope you are even a bit better and that you got what you needed from the Drs apt. You have some solid friends here to listen/support; and you have your pets. A nice bubble of true, unconditional care. I have been let down and given up on a couple of IRL friendships.. makes me get very sad and hating on myself. But if I flip my thinking I can see that I have all you guys and maybe one day a pet. I hope maybe you can see this for yourself. You are not alone. You are cared for and valued here and to your special animal friends. Maybe, just a thought, but maybe when you feel like you did - could you read over some of your thread and see the connections you have with a few of the ladies. And it can remind you of how important you are to each other? Only a thought..take care x

    3 people found this helpful
  7. Paw Prints
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    10 August 2021 in reply to Katyonthehamsterwheel

    Hello Katy,

    Lass please be gentle with yourself... you have some very painful associations intertwined with each other... you might think this odd on first reading... but I think not only should you be proud of how you managed last week... you should be proud of yourself for how you are handling this crash... it takes a lot of inner strength to even try to work through everything...

    Yes I have found trying to get the mess in my head out has helped me... I've also seen quite a few people on here use journaling & recommend it... it will take time & it usually isn't a linear journey...one step at a time...

    I hope the Drs appointment helped... & though staying in bed given the weather over your way sounds wise... do try to get out in the fresh air... clear the cobwebs & enjoy some nature with Stormy...

    Sending you gentle comforting hugs & Woofa sends snuffly love

    Paws

    2 people found this helpful
  8. Katyonthehamsterwheel
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    10 August 2021

    golden that’s a lovely way of looking at things, and you’re right, I have this lovely bubble of support which I really appreciate. I think this space and the people in it are so valuable to many of us. I’m so glad you reached out to the support lines when you needed to, although it can be a bit hit or miss. Is today looking a bit nicer for you? I hope so x

    Paws, I’m popping your words in my jar, thankyou. Nothing but hail and gale here today, so no fresh air. We’ve stayed in bed and enjoyed reading about your mousecapades! My cats use to bring them home to play with but they’re old and haven’t done so in years. Thank goodness as I didn’t like dealing with them.

    hugs, Katy

  9. Hanna3
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    10 August 2021 in reply to Katyonthehamsterwheel
    Sorry I haven't been here Katy. I think writing things out is a really useful idea. It seems to clarify things and is cathartic. I'm sorry you're having a difficult time with this. Sending supportive hugs from me and Sam 💖🐦💐🐕🐾🌼
    1 person found this helpful
  10. Katyonthehamsterwheel
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    10 August 2021 in reply to Hanna3

    Thanks Hanna

    I did pop into your thread but didn’t want to leave a message as you’d noted you’re tired. Thanks for the support. It seems you have some niggly annoying things not going right for you. Probably tiring you also. Thanks for popping in, and hugs back to you both x

  11. Hanna3
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    10 August 2021 in reply to Katyonthehamsterwheel

    Just been texting my friend up the coast who is starting chemotherapy tomorrow. Luckily her sister has come to stay with her for a while. A reminder to me that things can always be much worse!

    Just a lot of running around today. I'm pooped! The usual money problems...

    Are you still doing the prac?

    Good on you anyway 🙂🐾🎇

  12. Katyonthehamsterwheel
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    12 August 2021

    Hi all

    Wobbly start to prac, but it is what it is :)

    I feel pretty tired with all the things plus the stress of the things. I’m stress eating to cope, and popping out of my clothes 😬

    Hope everyone is going ok. Sorry to hear about your friend, Hanna. Hope the treatment goes well.

    Hugs, Katy

    1 person found this helpful
  13. ecomama
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    13 August 2021 in reply to Katyonthehamsterwheel

    Hey Katy

    Congratulations on so much success during your prac?
    Is it STILL only your first week??

    Lordy, feels like a month ago lol.

    Remember "Prac" is just that.
    It probably should be "wobbly" otherwise you wouldn't be learning anything... does that make sense?

    I keep making typos.
    Too much working from home.
    I need some rest!

    Much love to you and all those reading
    EMxxxx

    1 person found this helpful
  14. Hanna3
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    14 August 2021 in reply to Katyonthehamsterwheel

    Hi Katy

    I hope you're feeling a bit more relaxed after a rest.

    How long does the prac go for?I can imagine it would be tiring.

    My friend says the chemo.has knocked her around quite badly but she has her sister staying with her for a while thankfully.

    Good on you for persisting with the prac!

    🙂🌸🐦💐

  15. Katyonthehamsterwheel
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    14 August 2021 in reply to Hanna3

    Hi all

    Far out I’m tired!!! I was in bed at 7pm last night, and all I want to do is go back to bed. But I have to work on my thesis as I have a meeting with my supervisor on Tuesday and I’ve done nothing. Oh dear!

    Prac goes for 13 weeks. It took me 19 weeks last year with all the absences I had. I imagine it will be the same this year. It’s such a long time! I’ve completed 7 whole days so far lol

    well in my busyness I’ve neglected my plants, and today I see I have a few snow peas of a good size already growing, so that’s cool. We finally have a day with a bit of sunshine so that’s cool too :)

    Glad to see you here visiting, EM - hope you managed to get some rest in! And Hanna, good that your friend has support. Hope you and Sam are well x

  16. Hanna3
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    17 August 2021 in reply to Katyonthehamsterwheel

    Hi Katy

    I hope things are going OK for you. Lockdown here means that things are very quiet. Just popped by to say hi. Cheers 🐦🌷🦚🌸🎶

  17. Sleepy21
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    17 August 2021 in reply to Katyonthehamsterwheel

    Go u Katy - how has ur prac been going? nice to read the supervisor (coordinator?) and other workers are nice and that u like it there... and are enjoying it, sounds like u fit like a glove...

    is the work interesting? different to last year? hope its going wonderful and this week has been good so far, with some warmth and sun for ur plants.

  18. Katyonthehamsterwheel
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    18 August 2021

    Well today one of the workers at prac figured out where she knew me from - seeing me with my ex, who she knows. I knew she knew him from day 1. I was hoping she wouldn’t remember. I don’t want “that” in that space. I want it to feel like a safe space, so I’ve asked her not to mention him. I hope she doesn’t. It threw me off today and was yuk.

    Couch and pasta now for self care. Thanks for the warm wishes. x

    1 person found this helpful
  19. Paw Prints
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    18 August 2021 in reply to Katyonthehamsterwheel

    Hello Katy,

    Yay you!!! You have been managing to go to prac... every day you go is worth a celebration lass... the harder it is for you to go the bigger the celebration you deserve...

    I hope your meeting went ok yesterday & that your supervisor gave you helpful & supportive advice...

    I'm sending you a big squishy bear hug lass...Woofa sends you a virtual snuggle

    Paws

    1 person found this helpful
  20. Hanna3
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    18 August 2021 in reply to Katyonthehamsterwheel

    Hi. Katy

    It's like that in this town too! I've had 3 people mention to me that G and I stay back after lessons together - how/where the heck they saw I don't know! We stay back after everyone has gone...

    I don't think she'll say anything. I can understand it makes you feel very uncomfortable though. Living in a big city has its advantages - this sort of thing rarely happens!

    Just plough on with your head up. The less you seem to care about it the better.

    Spend tonight chilling out.

    I actually have an old flame from ages ago living in your town! You've probably passed him at the beach or in the street. It's a small world!

    II've been kicking myself for turning him down for years 😕

    Life sucks occasionally! 😊😷👍

    1 person found this helpful
  21. Katyonthehamsterwheel
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    21 August 2021
    Today feels yuk n lonely. Lots of hard stuff n just me to navigate it. Tears today. Wish I was someone who knew how to do this life. Maybe I am just a piece of rubbish.
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  22. Paw Prints
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    21 August 2021 in reply to Katyonthehamsterwheel

    Hello Katy.

    Lass you are not a piece of rubbish!!! You are an intelligent, strong, beautifully kind & caring person...

    Are you feeling so low because of things associated with your prac or is it something (everything) else that is going on in your world???... Lass is it something you might feel ok with talking about on here?... as you know speaking about things can help... if not perhaps it might help to call one of the help lines...

    It is horrible feeling so low... Lass if you want to talk about why you are feeling so low or even just to chat about other stuff to give you a break from the thoughts spiralling in you mind I'm here for you...

    I will keep popping in & checking on you...

    Huggliest of hugs

    Paws

  23. Katyonthehamsterwheel
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    21 August 2021 in reply to Paw Prints
    I just feel like I never belong anywhere. Like I’m a puzzle piece but I’m always finding myself somewhere where the puzzle is already complete, or I’m somewhere with a puzzle missing a piece but I can’t quite mold myself to fit. Does that even make sense? And either I’m disappointed, or others are disappointed, or both. I’m just so pointless.
    1 person found this helpful
  24. Sophie_M
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    21 August 2021 in reply to Katyonthehamsterwheel
     Dear Katyonthehamsterwheel,

    We’re so grateful to have you reach out to our community this morning and are so sorry to hear everything you have going on at the moment. Times like this can definitely get overwhelming . We hope that you find our forums to be a safe and supportive space to talk through your thoughts and feelings. Our community is here for you. 

    We hope you know that there is always help available to you, whether it's from our professional mental health counsellors Beyond Blue (available 24/7/365 on 1300 22 4636) or our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).
    Keep checking back in with us whenever you feel up to it. 
  25. Katyonthehamsterwheel
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    21 August 2021 in reply to Sophie_M

    Someone didn’t even value me enough to update the auto response template from this morning

    **sigh**

  26. Paw Prints
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    21 August 2021 in reply to Katyonthehamsterwheel

    Hello Katy,

    I'm not sure that I have correctly understood... but lass do you think it could be... not that you can't/don't fit... but that the anxiety you feel with new places/people is stopping you from being able to be you & feel like you can join in... or could it simply be that you don't "click" with the particular people you are needing to be with right now?...

    I know I'm stating the bl**dy obvious... but lass remember we can't like everyone we meet & not everyone will like us... that is just how the world is...I've had to remind myself this often... & sometimes it's not that we don't like a person it is simply we don't have anything in common with them. I've had to work with people like that... it was hard when all the others seemed to get on & be interested in the same things & I was on the outer...

    I might be completely on the wrong track about what is troubling you... I'll keep popping in

    Big bear hugs

    Paws

  27. Katyonthehamsterwheel
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    21 August 2021 in reply to Paw Prints

    Thanks Paws

    Youre a lovely kind human

  28. Paw Prints
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    21 August 2021 in reply to Katyonthehamsterwheel

    Katy,

    Lass I'm sure the template was an unintended faux par... You are valued by many people here on bb... you shown time after time that you have a wonderful empathetic generous nature & I'm sure there are people in your real life who feel the same... the only difference being that in real life we often don't tell people how important they are to us...

    Hugs

    Paws

  29. Katyonthehamsterwheel
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    21 August 2021 in reply to Paw Prints

    I’m sure it wasn’t intended. It’s just that that kind of thing happens to me a lot and part of what I’m feeling sad about. People forget my name, don’t smile at me in the street even though we’ve met, stand in front of me when we’re gathered in a circle (who even does that, but it happens to me), the list goes on… like I’m worthless or invisible. Maybe you’re right. Maybe it’s me. I’ve wondered if because I try to shrink myself that I’ve become invisible. I’ve mentioned this before. I bought a blue cardigan to wear to my last prac for that very reason. I was wearing all black and grey so I wouldn’t draw attention.

    It appears I’ve not learned a lesson and have come full loop. Thankyou as ever for listening and being so supportive. I’d love to take that hug and give one back x

  30. Paw Prints
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    22 August 2021 in reply to Katyonthehamsterwheel

    Katy,

    It is hard... with those of us who try not to draw attention to ourselves I think sometimes our reticence is misunderstood... it is very easy for people to assume we are not interested in them or what is happening... they then don't trouble to acknowledge or include us... & sometimes I think we are simply successful in not drawing attention & so we are not remembered...

    Lass I've had that same problem when in a group circle... someone moves in front of me & then I'm on the outer of the circle & I've never been game enough to push my way back in... I used to blame me for that happening... I don't anymore I simply think of the other person as a rude so & so.... I then move around the circle, where I've found someone will usually notice me & make room.

    I do remember you wearing that blue cardigan... now I'm wondering do you wear colours when you are at home??? or to go to the shops???

    Be gentle with yourself

    Paws

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