Stayed in bed today.
I’d been feeling good about managing all week - prac and GROW. There were even crisis situations at both and I still held my crap together. So proud of me. Wanted to stay with the momentum so I went to yoga. Was feeling like I was managing things again. Then after yoga I saw my ex face to face - and crash. Tried to stop myself falling in a hole, but couldn’t.
I feel like there’s all these stored thoughts and feelings around him, with nowhere to go. Ive felt like that this whole time. I feel like if I could just put them somewhere I could move past it. So today I started a blog. But that’s not quite right either. Maybe I need to journal it instead. No-one needs to see it. I just need to get all these thoughts and feelings out, so I can separate them from my thoughts about Z. They’re all tangled up in there together and it’s painful. Maybe I’m only making sense to me right now, but that’s ok too. This needs to come out.
What I was trying to say in my last post was that when the anniversary of losing Z rolled around last year, I was a lunatic mess. I want to prepare myself to handle it better this year.
Right, I feel a bit better already. I keep reading and hearing how important it is to get our thoughts out. It’s true. It’s just that not everything belongs here, so you gotta work out where to put it.
(And a little sidebar to anyone who might be reading and struggling with their own stuff - life’s frigging complicated, right?! I wish you masses of strength, encouragement and non-judgement for your journey)
Paws, Golden, Sleepy, EM, Hanna hugs back at you all 🌻