Hi everyone,

New to the website and after seeing a poster in public today decided to join and air some thoughts.

Some triggers ahead. Please be careful and take care of yourself.

When I was a pre teen/teenager I used to self harm.

Couldn't tell you if it was because of being sexually abused and never really sharing it with anyone, the inability to deal with all the emotions that being a teenager brought on, my dad having an affair after giving into his gambling habits and losing us our car and home, my mother falling deep into a state of depression and alcoholism after my dads aforementioned affair... Also not really having a support network, never really talking to a professional (apart from a few sessions with a school therapist at age 10 but it was more because the school just knew home life was not good at that time)

I couldn't tell you which was the main cause, maybe all of it?

Fast forward 15 / 20 years and I'm happily married with our first child on the way, my husband is loving and kind... my parents got back together (though they will never be "okay" my mum's too bitter for that, which is fair enough) and my lil brother is a wonderful man - we all live together.

After became smoke free about 5 days ago and out of nowhere these feelings of self harm came flooding back.

Know should have been smoke free much sooner because of baby but did manage to cut down to 2 or 3 a day after finding out.

These urges shook me because no longer the angsty teen used to be, though by no means "healed" am in a totally different place now.

Understand it's a mixture of hormones and coming out of an addiction.

Today I thought about self-harm. But didn't.

Hi Lizzifer,

Welcome to the forums. I'm really glad that you decided to join us, especially today with these urges coming up. I'm so sorry that you've had to deal with so much as a kid, I can imagine it was a pretty lonely and traumatic experience.

I'm glad that you were able to notice that these thoughts were from coming out of an addiction; I think that's really insightful - recognising that either the withdrawal might be impacting you or that maybe the smoking helped you cope (or both).

When you chose not to self-harm today, how were you able to get through that? What did you do to cope?

I hope that talking about it on here can be helpful. I'll also let you know that there's a great app if you're interested called 'Calm Harm' which works on kind of delaying and working through those urges, and of course if you're not comfortable talking with your husband and family there is always hotlines you can call to chat to someone in that moment.

rt

Hi Lizzifer,

Thank you for such an honest and courageous first post. It sounds like you have had some very traumatic experiences - I'm really sorry to hear that. You have been through a lot. If you are not aware of them already, please know that the Blue Knot Foundation has some great resources as well as a phone support line for survivors of abuse (https://www.blueknot.org.au/ is the webpage and 1800 421 468 the phone line). They have some useful information (https://www.blueknot.org.au/For-Survivors/Survivor-self-care) that may help you get through those self harm urges.

I am really glad to hear that you have a supportive husband and family. Do you feel able to talk to your husband about your urges? They can be so overwhelming and difficult to contain, it may be helpful sharing how you are feeling with him so he can at least be there with you and support you through them. I am really sorry that you are experiencing urges again, it can be especially challenging, especially when they rise up suddenly or unexpectedly.

Here is a small list of things you could do instead of self harm: hold on to ice cubes, wash your face with cold water, journal, scribble on a page, write a letter to someone and never send it, let yourself cry if you need to, give someone (or your pet) a hug, or hug a pillow, stretch, watch a favourite movie/show, walk/run outside, call up a friend, make your own list of things to do instead of self harm.

Please do not hesitate to reach out on these forums as and when you feel up to it. We are here to listen and support you. Take care.

Thank you so much R.T,

It was really hard dealing with all that growing up - it's probably why am so introspective didn't have many people to soundboard off, the hardest part was even when I did try to turn to my mum, about my feelings at the time, she responded with some pretty nasty stuff. I understand now that she was not herself at all and going through some incredibly hard times herself, I can remember being about 9 years old and having to help get her to bed after she fell asleep on the kitchen floor, no addiction is easy and I cannot judge her and do not hold it against her - we have reverted back to our loving relationship now.

Consider the App downloaded!

Smoking in itself is self harm so I suppose in a way it never stopped.

The things that stopped me from harming myself was not wanting to go down that road again, it's such a slippery slope and it took me so so long to get out of it.

My husband wouldn't understand either, please don't get me wrong, I'm working up the courage to talk to him about all this because he would understand the EMOTIONS (especially if it doesn't go away as the symptoms of getting over the addiction doesn't pass) but the actual ACT of self harm I know he wouldn't be able to. I know this from previous conversations we have had about my past.

I didn't do too much to cope, just let some emotions out with a big olde cry and clutched onto some ice cos that's part of what I did to put it behind me before.

Thanks again for reading, sorry if it's a bit rambly.

Hello sunny and thank you very much, I will get in touch with the blue knot people.

But also I understand that talking anyone about it would be better than holding on.

I think being pregnant with a daughter has brought up a lot of emotions and memories, including being raped by a former boyfriend about 13 years ago.

Now I understand why part of me was hoping for a boy. It's amazing the mental gymnastics the brain can preform.

I am going to speak to my husband after working out in my head the best way to express all that is going on.

Talking to you all on here has been very beneficial and a good step towards that. Thank you.

Hi Lizzifer,

It's good to hear back from you!

Of course, gosh you were only 9. That does sound really hard. I feel really sad for the kid in you that had to experience that- she didn't deserve it.

For what it's worth, my partner doesn't understand self-harm either. It baffles him. But like yours he can understand the emotions and self-harm is just apart of that. I've always said to him that it's okay if he never really understands, because the main thing is to support me through it. How might your husband react if you shared with him what's going on for you?

Having a big ole cry, clutching ice and not wanting to go down that slippery slope is coping - you did this. You got through an urge.

I hope this helps, and hope to hear how you find the app too!

rt

P.S. Just reading your reply to sunnyl20, If you have to wait until your mum passes away, how will that change those feelings of guilt or responsibility?

Hi Lizzifer,

I am so sorry that your pregnancy has brought up such painful memories, that is truly awful. Talking with the Blue Knot Foundation may really help if you feel up to it, you can disclose as much or as little as you are comfortable with and no one needs to know that you contacted them - if you do not wish to tell others, that is okay, it is completely your call. But they may be able to give you some support with regard to talking to loved ones if that is something you feel you may want to do in time.

I am really glad that the forums have helped you. Please drop in at any time. Take care.