I am new to all of this and I have started and deleted this post more times than I care to acknowledge . I tried obviously unsuccessfully 30 years ago to commit suicide and it has always stayed in the back of my mind ,over the last couple of years the pressure cooker has been overloaded with chronic pain ,potential loss of my 26-year-job , having to sell my beloved Ponies and the loss of my ability to be an active CFA member of 20+ years.

I tried on two occasions to talk to my GP his reaction was get over it and tomorrow is a better day, Guess what tomorrow has not been a better day. I did go to another GP at our hospital and I told him what I told my GP and the next minute I found myself threatened with. In voluntary commitment unless I complied , Shipped off in an ambulance and wishing I had never asked for help and wanting the world to make me disappear ( I won an Oscar at the hospital and got myself out with a couple of scripts ) this has only made me feel more cornered and confused, I have an upcoming appointment with a psychiatrist and if I attend are terrified of being honest as I fear the ramifications. I have withdrawn from most things and would prefer just to be left alone I do have a husband who really doesn’t have any idea what is going on. ( I’m a terrific performer) and I don’t want him smothering me with concern and being in my space 24/7, I know I am sailing very close to the edge and it wouldn’t take a lot to push me over but I’m keeping up the daily onwards and upwards performance. I am currently in a safe place after a procedure but really unsure of the future.

so now all I have to do is post this.

Hi,

Welcome to the forums! Thank you for being brave enough to share your story.

I am really sorry for what you have been through.

The future can be so terrifying. Just remember to focus on the present, not what will happen tomorrow.

It sounds like you are feeling scared to see the psychiatrist. Just remember they are trained to help you through this tough time and to help you become a better you.

I understand that you need space, telling your husband may be helpful. So you don't have to keep holding onto the guilt of not telling him.

Stay safe and I am here to chat if you need me.

Thank you for replying, yes I am terrified of seeing the psychiatrist ,if I do attend and are honest I do not want to be locked away, I didn’t know until I read the crisis warning signs I have actually ticked every box except for relationship breakdown , without realising I have everything in place and tidied my affairs, I don’t know how I let everything get so bad, my mother committed suicide and I think she knew what a shitty world this is, yes people missed her but they get over it, it has to be better than a life of constant pain ,losing my job and my hobbies.It’s like being a mouse on a wheel, running it’s guts out going round without getting anywhere, kinda no point! I’m still undecided about the appointment ( suppose that a good sign that I haven’t dismissed it) but I really don’t know how honest I can be or if I automatically go to my Oscar performance mode to protect my freedom and my choices. I’m still recovering from my procedure so I’m ok for now.

Hi Scrabbling

That is just so much grief to facing on your own, without support. I feel for you so deeply as you fight incredibly hard when it comes to moving forward.

Chronic pain, for a start, is absolutely mind altering. I'm sure I don't have to tell you that. In recalling the overwhelming nerve pain that comes with a bulging disc, I was left to wonder how those who suffer long term don't become depressed. To long for feeling anything other than pain yet to have no choice but to feel pain is horrible. To know my issue would resolve itself down the track led me to have relief to look forward to at some point. This experience also led me to wonder about specialists who don't pursue every single avenue possible when it comes to finding pain relief for their clients who suffer long term. Such specialists anger me. I'm hoping your procedure is one that has led you to some pain relief.

I think with every lost sense of self, there has to be something born from that. If not, all we have is loss. For example, while visiting specialists when it comes to finding ways to gain greater well being, you can be left dealing with them through 'The people pleaser' in you. The people pleaser is one who tolerates a specialist's lack of compassion, lack of detective work (in finding what works) or lack of personal investment. The people pleaser can suffer horribly to the point of hopelessness and depression. Kind of like they die off into nothing or numbness. If, suddenly, what comes to life is 'The intolerant person', then life changes. The intolerant in us does not settle. She does not settle for no answers, no relief, no direction. She does not settle for the foolish nature of a specialist, no matter their education.

It might sound a little simplistic but what sense of self will come to life after the possible loss of your job or the loss of your ponies and your active CFA work? Is there an explorer of adventure in you, an animal liberationist, a fundraiser for the CFA or other worthy causes? Is there a researcher in you who will not settle for a lack of pain relief for others, no matter how far outside the square you have to look?

I can relate to not wanting a lot of attention from my husband when I'm in a state of mental sufferance. It's like I don't need pity, what I need is a better understanding of my sufferance and a clearer vision of the way forward. May sound kinda horrible to some but, for me, at times pity from others can feel like a waste of precious time.

Thanks for the advice and kind words of encouragement. I’m just so tired, I did go to my appointment and to say it didn’t go well is an understatement, I was threatened with not being able to leave and had to call on every inner strength to talk my way out. I will not go back and It has just made me feel totally cornered and miserable , I think the one question he asked was what is keeping me here and to be totally honest I couldn’t answer .I’m a bit of an all or nothing type of person so playing second best to my loves just won’t happen. Hubby is wisely keeping his distance and really I just want some me time and space to work things out, is that being selfish?

Hi Scrabbling

Such a shame the appointment didn't work out the way you would have liked. One of the most frustrating things about a psych appointment is sometimes it's just not long enough. You show up at the beginning of that time slot and the psych, at some point into it, may be forced to think 'Okay, what do I have to do under the circumstances of what I regard as high risk?'. If he had all day, he'd have the time to better understand your perspective, why you feel you've got nothing keeping you here. So, he's making a rushed or a snap decision which he may regard as 'a life saving decision', based on his experience. Based on your experience, you feel you don't need that life preserver being thrown out to you right now. You can feel where you're at.

Do you think you'd naturally know when you'd need that life preserver? Would you see it coming, that need? The reason I ask is based on me not having seen that moment coming in my own life. It was quite a number of years ago when I took action at the worst point of my depression. I've come to compare depression to a literal depression, like a hole or well type thing. I never saw or felt myself going into it. It wasn't 'til a ways down that I felt it. I never realised I'd hit the bottom until it suddenly overwhelmed me. I thought I was managing that dark place but I thought wrong. From your past experience of having been there yourself, would you be able to see it coming? Do you have a plan in place to save your own life if need be? By the way, one of the things I struggled most with while in years of depression was the way it twisted perspective: While there may be the serious need to save our own life, depression convinces us there's no point. It's such a brutal, cruel and deceptive mindset.

I believe 'selfish' is a good thing at times, it's a constructive thing. I'm big on redefining words, analysing the hell out of them, so as to create more heaven through them. Self-ish makes sense when in a deep state of self reflection. There are so many aspects of self; making sense of them is a must at times. The sense of self that suffers deeply may be different to the sense of self that is able to talk a psych out of something.The sense of self that seeks adventure can be altogether different from the sense of self who plays advocate for others. There is just so much to us, why would we not take the time to analyse our self? I figure, you can pay a psych to do it or you can take time to research it on your own.

I am glad that you had the strength to go to the appointment. YOu tried your best and that's all that matters.

Giving yourself space from others sounds like a good idea. Let me know how everything goes.

I think the life preserver could land around my neck and I still wouldn’t reach for it!!! The medication hasn’t made the slightest difference and I almost laugh that for someone who was deemed Supposedly “high risk” I had to contact the health unit myself and ask what was happening? and that resulted in a three question call and was informed I would have a urgent appointment and follow up daily calls, guess what! never happened!! that was five days ago, I’m not wasting their time anymore.my hubby keeps inviting our friends around and I’m sick of smiling and acting like everything is fine when I really just want everyone to go away. My one interaction with the psychiatrist I don’t think he was happy that I wouldn’t agree to a safety plan but wouldn’t having a safety plan mean I want to be saved ??? On a good note I’ve lost heaps of weight !!! Whoooo who needs Jenny Craig when you can have a bit of supposed depression, I’m paddling around keeping my head above water waiting for the wave that dumps me which I think will be coming in the next couple of weeks. So perfectly fine for now.

H Scrabbling

To say depression is unfair would have to be the understatement of the century, the way it takes from you what just about everyone else appears to have. The way it takes your free time and fills it with internal dialogue that would test the strongest of minds and/or appointments to adjust your mind and medication. The way it takes your basic ability to be happily sociable, energetic, engaged in life etc. I don't think a lot of people realise what a full time job managing depression can be. It can be so incredibly exhausting.

Do you know what you want the psych to help you make sense of? Might sound like a strange question but I found I'd wished someone had help me make sense of how and why my chemistry played out the way it did. By the way, there are still times in life where I can feel an imbalance and it's mind altering stuff that feels hard to escape while its happening. I wished someone had helped me make sense of why I have the ability to feel so deeply and what that can do to a person, whether a situation be good or depressing. Why I was given few skills in life when it comes to managing challenges is something I don't fault in my parents, for how many parents were given such skills themselves, to pass on. I wish someone had explained to me that life can hold a lot of grief, for it's a part of life and its evolving nature for us to have to leave things behind, let go of them, whether we have a choice in the matter or not. I wish someone had explained to me the nature of energy, why I have it or why I don't. I wish they'd explained how internal dialogue works, how inspirational it can be while also being incredibly damaging. There are so many things we're not told. And when, all of a sudden, we need to know all such things and more, so desperately, we still have to work so hard to find answers, reasons, revelations and the way forward. It's hard work.

Typically, if we're to say to someone 'I just don't know how to do life', the response will be 'You don't need to know, you just do it'. I beg to differ, sometimes there is such a deep need to make sense of so much.

I’m drowning, I know it ,but besides here ,I’m not reaching out? Maybe I cannot be saved?? I kinda feel so alone and let down , I so don’t understand these new feelings of being totally miserable and I want it to stop, I am the person who makes everybody else happy and solves everybody else’s problems, this is so not me . I thought I might of had support but that never eventuated. ( probably my own fault for bluffing my way out) but now I am going down a one way road. Everything seems to be closing in and the light at the end of the tunnel seems to be a long way away and unachievable. Is this common? Or am I destined to be a train wreck?

Life Preserver here for you, Scrabbling. We may not know why but we do keep going, one step at a time, with or without support, somehow we do. Here, though, you do have some support.

Maybe they didn't tell you, the medication you were given will take weeks to show an effect.

I'm sorry, I wanted to write more, but at the moment I can't. I mainly .want you to know wer're here.

mmMekitty

Hi Scrabbling

I figure we don't necessarily realise we're facing the greatest challenge of our life or one of the greatest challenges until we're out of it. In hindsight, the question that comes to mind is 'How in hell did I get through that?' There's a sense of pride that comes with recognising you made it through what feels like hell on earth. The challenge is to do it again and again, with a greater sense of clarity each time. A seriously tough challenge. Sounds a bit strange but each time you go through, you come out the other side with a new tool/skill set. To say it's a tough way to gather tools for life is an understatement.

Another challenge involves 'the gateway' to hell on earth looking different each time. With this being the case, you don't necessarily see it coming. That gateway may involve a trauma, it might involve a therapist bringing up stuff you've never considered before in such a way (analysing so intensely), waking up to people who you believed were friends, facing the kind of internal chemistry that's mind altering etc. While we don't necessarily recognise the gateway, while it appears different each time, we can feel our self having gone beyond it. There's no feeling like it. It can be thoroughly depressing, mentally torturous and it can feel soul destroying.

I can relate to what you say regarding being the 'go to' person for people. You can have a friend/family member going through their own hell on earth and you can spend hours or even days in a state of meditation, meditating on what comes to mind in the way of making a positive difference in their life. Then you act on and/or share what comes to mind and it makes the difference to them that they've been desperately searching for. You're there with them, trying so hard to get them through and out the other side. Then, there are times where you look around when you're in your own hell on earth and you can't help but wonder why no one else appears to be trying as hard as you try for them. Sometimes it feels like they haven't even shown up. It can definitely feel lonely and, at times, even angering.

From experience, I believe there a 3 types of people - those don't believe we're experiencing hell on earth (the ignorant), those who will leave us to make our way through it on our own while believing we can cope (the observers) and those who will do what ever it takes to help us make sense of things so we can make our way through and out the other side. It pays to identify who's who.

How are you this morning, Scrabbling? I'm a little better now.

There was a disturbance at another flat here, & I had to call the police. These arguments where yelling becomes physical disturbs me, so I could not give you my full attention..

I remember when feeling I was drowning, it had felt I was being relentlessly pulled under & simply had no the strength to keep my head up. The fact that no-one seemed to see straight past my façade seemed remarkable to me. I was so used to hiding what I thought & felt I could not stop, back then.

Just as things seemed they could get no worse,, something else came along & I felt myself break open & everything I had kept in came out. On one hand, I was desperately afraid it would overwhelm me & that would be it, & on the other hand, I couldn't let all that crap win. I didn't care if no-one cared whether I survived or not, as I didn't care about that myself.

To not let the past I'd so far survived, take me out now, I'd've done anything if asked.

I was terrified. The GP I saw had sent me to a Psychiatrist he picked from the Yellow Pages.

If that Psych Dr said I needed to go to hospital, I'd've done so, because I had no answers of my own, other than to do what I knew I could not. He turned out to be okay, & let me take my time.

I felt I was in a no-win situation, as you say, cornered & trapped, & drowning. Largely, even with help, I had to do most everything for myself. No one can do those things we must do for ourselves; from the most basic things like getting up, eating, to the attempting to answer the philosophical questions so prominent in our minds, at least to the level where living seems to make a little sense.

If you need this crappy life to have a reason, but can't find that reason outside yourself, then you need to invent a reason that comes from within. Substitute 'reason' with 'meaning', 'value' , 'purpose', 'goal', 'ambition', 'direction', whatever, it is your choice. & what you choose now can be a temporary choice. It can range from some purely spiritual quest to an entirely materialistic endeavour. Not for me to say or judge.

I see you have survived this long, with overwhelming thoughts & feelings, so I know you are a lot stronger than you know, & something inside wants to be here.

Cherish that precious core of will & indominable strength you have. Most people are never challenged enough to know they have this, but you have, & it's there, & you know it.

One step at a time - they add up.

mmMekitty