I’m terrible at talking about my problems so I thought it would be easier to write it down.
I have always suffered with depression and anxiety but haven’t bothered to do anything about it. I gave birth to my son 8 months go and instantly felt like there wasn’t any connection between us. As soon as they put him in my arms, I just wanted someone to take him off me, I felt hate towards him. I don’t know if it was due to being tired and sore from the labour or what but it was a horrible feeling and that feeling has somewhat stuck. I love my son to death now but I still don’t feel like a mum or good enough to be his mum. In the whole 8 months he has been here, I have isolated myself due to being too anxious to leave the house. I don’t see any of my friends, I have no family here (I moved interstate 3 years ago), I have no one other than my partner and son. I didn’t go to my mothers group as I was way too nervous and was scared of being judged and it’s getting to the stage where I just feel like ending it. The only thing that is keeping me here, is that if I weren’t here, he would be raised by my partners family which I do NOT want. This is really taking a toll on my relationship. We went from never arguing to arguing constantly, over nothing! I hate that it’s taking over my life and that I can’t even take my son for a walk up the road to the park without having a panic attack. I psych myself up to do it everyday, we get ready, we’re about to leave but I cant walk out that front door. I can’t go back to work as I have no one to look after my son, child care costs a fortune so I wouldn’t even be earning enough to pay for that. I feel so stuck. I’ve visited my family a few times since he was born hoping it will make me feel better but as soon as I get there, all I want to do is come home. It’s really affected my parter to the point where he has said he is having thought of killing himself which scared the shit out of me. I don’t know if the problem is me or if he is also dealing with post partum depression.
I guess my question is, where do I start? Where do I get help for both of us? Can we get help for free? Something needs to change now, It’s not healthy for us or our son. I just want to be happy and be able to meet up with people and socialise or even just leave the house. I need to be happy for my son. If I’m not happy, no one is happy!