Dear Life House~
I'd like to join Sophie and Geoff in giving you a warm welcome. I can hear you as you say how things are. You are now retired (which is a whole can of worms in itself), have thoughts of taking your life and cannot explain to your wife or others in a way that gets understanding and assistance. As I've been that way and would not wish it on anybody I do want to see you feel better
You do strike me as a caring sort of person. The reasons you give for going on, plus the fact your relationship means enough for you to try to explain makes me believe this
Sure, going out on the bike and camping may help relieve some of the pressure, at least temporarily. Until I was no longer able (I'm a tad older than you:) I found driving mine was a distraction and a source of enjoyment
I guess in one thing you have an advantage over many men - you are prepared to talk about how you feel. This is a huge step, the fact you have not found the right person, or possibly the right way of saying things, is a hassle, but one that can be overcome
Talking and advice, in other words not keeping all the burden on your shoulders alone, is very necessary. I found this out when suicidal in the past, and it was though talk - and professional treatment - that I became better to the point where I once again have a pretty reasonable life with good relationships with my partner and others
When I first started to say anything to my partner she took it as a failing in her, and acted accordingly. Could your wife have some of this?
It was only when the symptoms had been explained to her by my psychiatrist she changed and became and remained a great support - even if she did not know all that was in my head
I'd like to suggest you go get professional help, it helped me, I'm expecting it might help you. I'd admit this is not an easy thing to do, most blokes do not feel at all comfortable seeking help and doubt it could make a difference (They'd be wrong).
I was lucky and had a GP and psychiatrist who went out of their way to understand, helped me give an accurate account of how it was, and were actually able to help - amazing!
Can I suggest in the short term you use what I personally recommend: the Suicide Call Back Service 1300 659 467
You can contact them more than once, they are resourceful and NOT panic merchants. If your wife feels lost or worried about the situation she could ring too independently with no link to you
I'd like it if you came back and talked more