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Forums / Suicidal thoughts and self-harm / Searching for the old me again

Topic: Searching for the old me again

6 posts, 0 answered
  1. Astrozippo
    Astrozippo avatar
    2 posts
    10 October 2019

    Hi

    This is my first post and not the first time I've spoke or tried to speak to someone about understanding what is wrong with me. I've been told to seek help but don't want to be seen as weak. I need to be stronger and not let people see I may have an issue with my mental health, but it's pretty obvious and seen almost daily in the eyes of my wife,kids and now at work.
    I try to fight these feelings and get even angrier wondering as to why I'm feeling like this and these feelings just stay telling me I'm a failure as a husband and as a parent, world is better off without me, they hate me. One minute im happy next minute im angry next im depressed and just wanna end my life. I find more than just a few Whiskeys help but then I'll be labeled an alcoholic as other member of my family. My Grandfather killed himself when i was only very young, the farm had taken everything out of him. My job has me under quite a bit of stress at the best of times and my home life is affected. I work 12-16hr day shifts, my wife works night shift, we never see each other but when we do we argue. I feel I've failed her as I've done in the past and this eats at me everyday and thats just one of many underlying issues i have with myself. I used to be so happy always smiling. But now I hide everything behind a fake smile. I feel if I speak to my employer I'll be seen as a liability and loose my job as I've seen this happen to a great friend and college. I helped him on his darkest day, helped him get through it and I can't even help myself.
    Right now I feel I'm just a whinging wanker and should harden up. Delete everything I just said. (You know other people are worse off than you) I've been listening to lifeline podcasts between sites. I can relate to one or two stories and has given me something to think about.

    I need to find me again and someone to actually listen and understand me.

  2. monkey_magic
    monkey_magic avatar
    2420 posts
    10 October 2019 in reply to Astrozippo

    Dear Astrozippo,

    I don't see you as a whinging wanker at all more so someone who is recognising something is wrong and speaking up about it.

    I think a lot of us have those voices in our heads chattering away at us telling us we're a failure and so on and it's best to shut them out and focus on reality.

    You sound like you are doing your best.

    You sound like you may also have bouts of depression - no expert here btw.

    You work long hours which is probably making it hard to find that health/home/life balance.

    I think you are being a little hard on yourself because you do a lot. That work schedule would probably take it out of you. It would me.

    What to do to help yourself. Can you and your wife do something special together? Do u think a therapist would help? Physical activity like swimming? Anything you enjoy that you could pick back up? Can work hours be reduced?

    Life is tough but don't give up. Where there's a will there's a way and i sense you have resilience and are a helpful type person who is willing to put in the effort.

    How does your dream life look and what's needed to achieve it?

    I believe in you and hope you get some more responses to give you a nudge.

    Phone support has helped me gain perspective. You can always call beyond blue or lifeline to speak with someone. We can't always do things on our own.

    I wish you well.

    MM

    1 person found this helpful
  3. Ggrand
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
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    Ggrand avatar
    5602 posts
    10 October 2019 in reply to Astrozippo

    Hello Astrzippo,

    Welcome to the forums..

    I agree with Magic, you are not a whinging yanker..your someone who is struggling hard with your mental health..and that’s so hard..to do on our own..

    You said that people had asked you to seek help...but you don’t want to be seen as weak....In fact seeking help takes a lot of bravery and strength....I tried to cure myself and failed miserably...Then I decided to have a long talk to my Dr...and let her know my thoughts and fears..I came unstuck and cried because for the first time someone could understand me that could help me....My Dr. started me on a mental health care plan..where I saw a psychiatrist..who prescribed me with some mh meds...then a psychologist to chat to....I didn’t have the best psychologist but in a way talking to her for the first few sessions help me some...

    Astrozippo, is talking to your dr something that you could do....Maybe together with your wife?...like Magic has suggested....

    Please don’t ever think that the world will be better of without you...that’s so not true..that’s your depression telling you that...

    You haven’t always been feeling this way..as you said you were once happy and smiling all the time...that is the beautiful person you are...this is a horrible phase your going through....and to try to get you through it...please be gentle to you and seek all the help you can..starting with your dr...because you deserve it...you deserve to be the happy smiling person you once were..and I believe that you can be that person again..with professional help...

    Im very pleased that you never deleted your post..it takes a lot of courage to post our first post....well done...

    Please never give up on trying to get help..or on you...I certainly won’t..neither will the other beautiful people here..we all look after and care for each other here...here has helped me so much...I hope it does for you as well...

    If it’s okay..I would like to send you a very warm and caring hug Astrozippo..🤗🤗..

    Hoping to hear from you again..if you feel up to it..

    Grandy..

    1 person found this helpful
  4. Astrozippo
    Astrozippo avatar
    2 posts
    10 October 2019

    Thank you for your kind words of support.

    I've come to the realization that I do need to seek help to manage the struggle I have within. I think I'll be fine ......and find the time.

    I have so many demands and expectations thrown my way at work and at home. Like.... I feel kinda ok now but give me 30min ill think of something I should of done or done better or have A phone call or email come my way ( I'm on call 24/7) or have one of the kids demanding something or their fighting or when my wife an i are rarely home togther....i just start thinking she Hates me she dont love me she dont want to be near me. Then I sink back into that space where I shouldn't be and don't know why I'm even there.

    My head is already a jungle and full of noise, my fuse is so short these days. Where as in the past I was cool calm and could collect my thoughts, loved a new challenge thrown at me. Always seen myself as a leader not a follower... Always have the answers for anyone's question. Now I can't even seem to answer my own

    but talking about my mental state and still feeling very uncomfortable about doing so I'm starting to feel my answers will come

    thank you once again

    Hugs

    A_S

    1 person found this helpful
  5. monkey_magic
    monkey_magic avatar
    2420 posts
    12 October 2019 in reply to Astrozippo

    Hi again Astrozippo,

    I think it's excellent u will be seeking help to manage the struggle within. You have a great deal on your plate and are only one person after all. Sharing the load would be fantastic.

    After seeking help for yourself perhaps things will improve with the wife as well or maybe you could seek help together.

    I have the sense that life feels heavy at the moment. You have so many responsibilities and want to get everything right- "think of something I should have done better"...perhaps ease up on yourself a little otherwise it all bcomes overwhelming.

    You're an amazingly hard worker an I have no doubt that you can get through this as well.

    All the best,

    MMx

    1 person found this helpful
  6. sparrowhawk
    sparrowhawk avatar
    120 posts
    13 October 2019 in reply to Astrozippo

    Hi Astro. Great that you have posted here and are seeking help.

    Living with expectations is very hard indeed, but it is important to question whether such expectations are realistic, and also to see who is imposing these expectations on us. Sometimes we can expect much more from ourselves than others ever do. Sometimes people simply don't know the limots of our abilities, and so expect too much.

    "Should" is a judgement word and damages more than helps. Of course it's much easier to think of what you could do differently in hindsight, but at the time you did what you did, you only had the situation and knowledge available at that time.

    Does your wife know how you are feeling? You say you don't see each other often. Maybe you could try to suggest or organise a "date night" or something romantic with her in the time you are together. Something that will surprise her and show her that you still care.

    We can't go back. We can only go forward and grow.

    My head is already a jungle and full of noise, my fuse is so short these days. Where as in the past I was cool calm and could collect my thoughts, loved a new challenge thrown at me. Always seen myself as a leader not a follower... Always have the answers for anyone's question. Now I can't even seem to answer my own

    but talking about my mental state and still feeling very uncomfortable about doing so I'm starting to feel my answers will come

    thank you once again

    Hugs

    A_S

    1 person found this helpful

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