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Topic: Self destruction

  1. Dogdude
    Dogdude avatar
    29 posts
    29 April 2019

    I have days like today when the recurring thoughts of how much I suck just won't ease up. The trouble is, these thoughts might have some truth to them.

    Feeling a bit over life at the moment. Why can't I just be content with what I have...

    Rob

  2. White Rose
    Community Champion
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    White Rose avatar
    5252 posts
    30 April 2019 in reply to Dogdude

    Dear Dogdude

    Hello and welcome. If only we could all be content with what we have, but we are so often not satisfied or even content. It is a problem I think everyone has from time to time. Not much help at the moment I know.

    Again we all have thoughts about being worthless. We are human and we mess up now and again. I know when I remember something I wish I had done differently I feel dreadful, so annoyed with myself over and over. It's not a good place to be. I also get to the point of despair at times. I have various coping strategies which I should put into operation, and usually do, but there are times....

    I very much doubt your thoughts reflect the whole of your life. As you have posted in the Depression forum I presume you have depression. It's not a good place to make decisions as your view of the world is not clear. This is reflected in your thinking and I can most definitely relate to this. When we are a bit down the black dog comes calling and often finds a hole to get in.

    So what to do. It would be good if I had more information about you to make suitable comments. Are you adult/male/female/general age group? Do you get counselling about your depression? Posting in here is a good move as various people will respond though it may not be until the morning. Most folk are in bed at this time.

    Can you talk about the thoughts in general, how they make you feel and are you tempted to harm yourself? Did it help to write in here? This is a good place to unload your backpack and chat a while.

    I think some of us would still be discontented no matter how much we had. Instead of trying to shut out the noise etc from your brain, which rarely works, get up and make the decision to do something. Wash the dishes, weed the garden, go for a walk, go to the gym or any other activity. Physical because you need to use more brain power to work hard. The brain is a bit lazy at times and when everything goes pear-shaped, My friends and me are ablest to handed to us on a plan.

    Take heart. Do you chat with your GP about these things? They are usually happy to do this. I think it would be worthwhile. if only to reassure you.

    This is just a quick note to welcome you. I must go to bed as I am falling asleep as I type.

    Hope your chats go OK.

    Mary

    2 people found this helpful
  3. Dogdude
    Dogdude avatar
    29 posts
    30 April 2019 in reply to White Rose

    Thanks for taking the time to reply Mary,

     

    So I'm an adult male in my late 40s.

    I was given a 'potential' diagnosis of Bipolar 2 about 4 plus years ago, with an underlying Dysthymia.

    Of course I often question this as it never went past potential and this leads to thoughts about why I act the way I do. Is Mental illness just an excuse I'm running with?

    It's all becoming to hard...

    Anyway that's enough of my rubbish.

    Take care.

    Rob

  4. Dogdude
    Dogdude avatar
    29 posts
    30 April 2019 in reply to White Rose

    Hi Mary,

     

    Please disregard my posts. Hope life treats you well.

    Rob

  5. White Rose
    Community Champion
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    White Rose avatar
    5252 posts
    1 May 2019 in reply to Dogdude

    Hello Dogdude

    May I ask why you want me to disregard your posts? I assure they are not rubbish but very real concerns which are shared by others. This is why beyond blue was set up, to help and support those experiencing mental health difficulties.

    You said, "Of course I often question this as it never went past potential and this leads to thoughts about why I act the way I do. Is Mental illness just an excuse I'm running with?"

    I think I would find a more comfortable reason than mental illness to excuse any behaviour. Bipolar 2 is not an easy diagnosis to live with even if it is only potential.

    Can I suggest you read the post in Staying Well. It is called This Bipolar Life and was started by Kazzl. She started the thread when she was told she had Bipolar 2 which she had suspected for some time. Read the first one or two pages in the thread where she talks about her struggles to remain focussed and trying to live a normal life. There are a huge number of posts so I do not suggest you read them all. Read the last couple of pages and perhaps join in the conversation. It may be very helpful for you.

    It would be great to continue talking with you. Being content with life is an aim for many people.You can learn to do this. The human race, in general, does not want to be content. Our way of life has changed so much because we were not content and wanted to do better. You can do both.

    I have lost count of the times I have considered myself to be a waste of space and time. Still do sometimes. It's not that unusual. And yes, there is usually an element of truth in these thoughts. We are not perfect beings. Sometimes I wish I was but then there would be no challenge in life or any change that comes from more insight. As a race I think we need to struggle and get so much in return.

    Please write in again.

    Mary

    1 person found this helpful
  6. Dogdude
    Dogdude avatar
    29 posts
    2 May 2019 in reply to White Rose

    Hi Mary,

    Thanks again for taking the time to reply. I'm sorry my posts are short, I struggle to share stuff, no one in my family really openly talks about problems. Life in general is just getting on top of me, I don't help by making stupid decisions which ultimately end with me wishing I could disappear.

    I'm my own worst enemy when it comes to helping myself. Often I think I'm just too lazy or maybe some twisted part of my mind actually enjoys feeling this way. Of course it could all just be for attention.

    Thanks again Mary, make sure you look after yourself first okay.

    Rob

  7. White Rose
    Community Champion
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    White Rose avatar
    5252 posts
    3 May 2019 in reply to Dogdude

    Hello Dogdude

    You know I could have written your last post especially I'm my own worst enemy when it comes to helping myself. Often I think I'm just too lazy or maybe some twisted part of my mind actually enjoys feeling this way. Of course it could all just be for attention. For me the answer is not to allow these thoughts to take hold of my brain. I know it's not true, and I have spent a very long time realising this and accepting its truth.

    The trick of course is how to do it. We become addicted to all sorts of things apart from the obvious. Giving these thoughts house room is an addiction. It can be a comfort in a weird way, a justification for the way we live our lives. The change is pretty much the same as for any other addiction, admit this is your problem and you have just written this above.

    Congratulations on taking the first step. Now put yourself in a position where you have people contact on a frequent and regular basis. Going to the gym and working on your own is OK if there are others in the room. They provide the stimulus for you to get away from your thoughts. I used this as a first example because it's not easy to jump in the deep end and start rearranging your life.

    So think of what you can do. Start with anything you find enjoyable or think you may find enjoyable and do it at least once a week. Yes it will be hard but keep your goal in mind. You are looking to increase your self confidence and to stop entertaining negative thoughts. You can do it on your own and gradually start talking to others about the activity. It will get easier.

    As I was writing this post I received an email from the Black Dog Institute on Exercise Your Mood Week (4-12 May). Talk about serendipity. This is a quote from the email.

    The good news is, building just one regular ‘exercise hour’ into your week is enough to help improve your mental well-being.

    Absolutely. I found this out several years ago and although I exercise less these days I still do more exercise than I could be bothered with in the past. It is about challenging yourself to do just this one thing.

    What else can you do? Learn to challenge your thoughts. Again not easy because it is tempting to stop because "I am lazy etc.". It really is continuous loop of going back to your old ways, trying hard and ending back where you started. I know, I've been there.

    Think about my comments and let me know what you think.

    Mary

    2 people found this helpful
  8. Dogdude
    Dogdude avatar
    29 posts
    14 May 2019 in reply to White Rose

    Thanks for your reply Mary,

    I've realised that things aren't going to change for me and I don't see the point in trying to change them. Whatever happens now is anybodies guess.

    Please refocus your attention towards someone who needs.

    Take care,

    Rob

  9. White Rose
    Community Champion
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    White Rose avatar
    5252 posts
    19 May 2019 in reply to Dogdude

    Dear Rob

    I was disappointed to read your reply. I believe we are all worthwhile and we all have the potential to live a fulfilled life. I have been unwell for the past couple of days and found myself echoing your words. Now I have been given some antibiotics I am starting to feel better and with that I can manage the negative thoughts better.

    I hope I don't sound as though I am preaching to you. It never works. It's OK if you want to stop posting. I hope you will return one day.

    Please refocus your attention towards someone who needs. You are in need and I would like to continue chatting to you if this is OK. Come back when you are ready.

    Mary

    2 people found this helpful
  10. Dogdude
    Dogdude avatar
    29 posts
    19 May 2019 in reply to White Rose

    Sorry Mary,

    Didn't mean to disappoint you. I do hope you are feeling a bit better now.

    Rob

  11. White Rose
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    White Rose avatar
    5252 posts
    20 May 2019 in reply to Dogdude

    Thank you Rob, I am much improved. Do you find it weird how we expect instant cures? Having started a course of antibiotics I expect to be well again the next day.

    Sadly it doesn't work like that and serves as a reminder that we rarely become well overnight. It's the same with both of us and our desire to heal from the various negative thoughts that have taken up residence in our minds. I struggle with the thoughts that pop into my head which I often do not realise are there until I have started to brood over them. Then of course it's hard to dislodge them. Is this because I do not really want them to go away? Is it some form of safety blanket and a good enough reason not to change?

    From there it's a short step to believe I will never change and in fact do not have the capacity to change. Once I have learned to change my thinking (sometimes) I realise I can change and have done so frequently. It's hard work because the mind can tie us up in circles constantly recycling these thoughts and finding reasons to stay as we are.

    I know I can change because I have done so and the reward each time is a great feeling of success. So I battle on. Please believe me it does work.

    Did you read the thread This Bipolar Life? It's worth reading.

    Short replies are OK. It's a good job BB allows only 2500 characters in posts as I would end up writing War and Peace.

    Mary

  12. Dogdude
    Dogdude avatar
    29 posts
    20 May 2019 in reply to White Rose

    Hi Mary

    Pleased to hear you are on the mend. :-)

    Not sure if yourself or anybody else this, my moods can suddenly change like the flick of a switch. Yip I'm weird! Lol

    Anyway, I woke up this morning feeling great. Was only the day before I was thinking about whether I have 'my affairs in order' if you know what I mean.

    Fingers crossed the black dog has run for the hills, even if only for a while.

    Make sure you take things easy with plenty of rest while you recover.

    Take care

    Rob

  13. Dogdude
    Dogdude avatar
    29 posts
    20 May 2019 in reply to White Rose

    Oops! I didn't answer your question. I did try reading in however I just couldn't keep focused on it, too many self destructive thoughts racing about my head. I shall give it another look soon.

  14. White Rose
    Community Champion
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    White Rose avatar
    5252 posts
    24 May 2019 in reply to Dogdude

    Trying to concentrate on reading can be hard at times especially when the content is a bit near the bone. However I do think it would be helpful if you read the first few pages. Feel free to join the conversation and ask any questions.

    So pleased the dog has run away for a time. It will no doubt be back because that's the nature of the beast but you can learn to control what it does and says. Moods can change quite quickly for anyone. Because of a medical condition I have I take steroids one day a week. These cause mood swings which are not too bad when I go up but quite uncomfortable when they go down. The number of pills have been reduced so the swing is not as pronounced I am happy to say. I have strategies in place to help me and I keep reminding myself this will change. When I get more used to the meds I think I will cope better. Only been taking them for a few months.

    Have you heard of neuroplasticity? It's to do with the brain making new pathways for itself. This is something you take charge of by ignoring the negative thoughts etc and focussing on the positive. The old pathways gradually go and leave you with a more positive path to travel. Can you read up on this? Perhaps talk to your GP. Perhaps talk to a psychologist. Who made the original diagnosis of potential bipolar 2? Might be worth seeing this person again and confirm one way or the other about the bipolar.

    This is a definition of neuroplasticity. Neuroplasticity: The brain's ability to reorganize itself by forming new neural connections throughout life. Neuroplasticity allows the neurons (nerve cells) in the brain to compensate for injury and disease and to adjust their activities in response to new situations or to changes in their environment. Does this sound good to you?

    There are several books on the subject. I have one called The Brain that Changes Itself, which I think says it all. You may find it in your local library as there was a TV series on this. It does require work of course. Nothing is free especially where the brain is concerned. Do some research on the topic. I think this could help you.

    Mary

    1 person found this helpful
  15. smallwolf
    Community Champion
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    smallwolf avatar
    2488 posts
    24 May 2019 in reply to Dogdude

    Hi Dogdude,

    Hope you don't mind if I pop in and say hello. You sound a little confused and frustrated - that the diagnosis is potential vs definite, and that might put you into the a patch that you don't quite know where you fit? Here are some things about me... I have anxiety and depression, but nothing more than that is certain. Whereas a psychologist has said my dad has GAD. My ferritin count was high, which is related to haemochromatosis, and treatment is the same but I do not have a diagnosis. In these instances, I both have an answer and no answer at the same time.

    And if you are feeling down, there is no issue with seeking help. In the same way that you would see a GP if you have the flu, if you "dnn't feel right" then it is worth looking into. If you do not feel you can do this, then writing out your thoughts here might help? Users here are non-judgemental and supportive.

    I hope you will come back and tell me how you are feeling.

    tim

    1 person found this helpful
  16. Billyc
    Billyc  avatar
    212 posts
    24 May 2019 in reply to Dogdude

    Hi Dog dude and Mary.

    hope your both well.

    I have empathy toward your experiences Dog, and enjoy reading your supportive responses Mary

    i get days where I get so ashamed that I act out and start blaming others for my discontent of myself.. as a result I have lost acknowledgement of people around me and have isolated myself.

    best to you both

  17. Dogdude
    Dogdude avatar
    29 posts
    6 June 2019 in reply to smallwolf

    Hi Tim,

    I've spent more time in the depths of depression than I should, so I bit the bullet and made an appointment with a GP for next week. Hopefully things start to improve soon.

    Thanks for your message

    Dog.

    2 people found this helpful
  18. Dogdude
    Dogdude avatar
    29 posts
    6 June 2019 in reply to White Rose

    Hi Mary,

    Sorry for not replying sooner. I decided a couple of days ago to go see a GP, so I have an appointment for this coming Tuesday. Not sure if I expect to much, but worth a try.

    Thanks once again for taking time to reply, I really appreciate it...

    Rob

  19. Billyc
    Billyc  avatar
    212 posts
    6 June 2019 in reply to Dogdude
    Good luck with it Dog
    1 person found this helpful
  20. White Rose
    Community Champion
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    White Rose avatar
    5252 posts
    7 June 2019 in reply to Billyc

    Hello Dogdude

    That was good news. I hope all goes well. Print out your first post and give it to the GP. That way he/she will know what you want to talk about.

    Good stuff.

    Mary

    1 person found this helpful
  21. Quercus
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    Quercus avatar
    3206 posts
    8 June 2019 in reply to Dogdude

    Hi Rob,

    I thought your name looked familiar and realised it was because I'd spoken to you before on an older thread.

    https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/welcome-and-orientation/just-saying-hi-

    So stoked to read that you're giving the GP a go. Good for you.

    I'm also glad to read Mary's posts to you (good to see you back posting more dear Mary, I've missed you).

    At the start of this thread you sounded so distressed and down about yourself. We all go through times like this. Sometimes when I feel like this it helps to trust the opinion of others who care. In this case on bad days trust that Mary is absolutely right to say you are worthwhile, worth writing to and taking the time to care. She's a smart woman.

    How is Bella going? We have two new canine companions. An Airedale terrier and a mystery breed possibly Mastiff/Ridgeback. I forgot how exhausting puppies are.

    Hope your appointment is helpful.

    Nat

  22. Presto74
    Presto74 avatar
    1 posts
    8 June 2019

    Hi , this is the first time ever I tried this . I don’t really know how it works here so I’m just going to type how I feel. I really feel lost , hopeless. I try to talk to friends and family but it just makes me feel Like a lost case that I just cause drama.

    I am a good worker and work hard but I am finding it harder and harder to connect with people outside of work and I’m getting very lonely and feel worthless . I just want it to stop

  23. Quercus
    Community Champion
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    Quercus avatar
    3206 posts
    8 June 2019 in reply to Presto74

    Hi Presto74, welcome and good on you for going for it and posting.

    Feeling isolated is an awful feeling and these forums are available 24/7 so whenever you need company please join in again 😊.

    You might find you get few replies here because this is a thread created by another member about his experiences. Not to worry, this happens all the time.

    What we usually suggest is creating a completely new thread just for your story. You can do this by clicking on the welcome-and-orientation section and then create new thread. If that sounds like gibberish... At the top of the screen there are red boxes. One reads FAQS and this has screen shots showing how to create a new thread.

    On your thread you decide the topic for discussion and change it to suit you. Whereas when you post in an exisiting thread the general tip is to keep on topic.

    And now after all that I wanted to reassure you you're very welcome and we want to hear more of your story. I hope you can keep joining in.

    Nat

    PS. Thanks Rob for letting me take a detour for a moment. How are you holding up today?

  24. Dogdude
    Dogdude avatar
    29 posts
    10 June 2019 in reply to Quercus

    Hi Nat,

    Lovely to hear from you. You're brave taking on two puppies! Bella is being extra cuddly because of the cold weather aswell as extra lazy. Lol

    It's been a bit of a struggle all weekend, been questioning if it really is worth going to the GP, kind of feel there is nothing that can be done for me. Still I have to try as living like this is becoming increasingly difficult.

    Hope you are well Nat.

    Take care

    Rob

    1 person found this helpful
  25. White Rose
    Community Champion
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    White Rose avatar
    5252 posts
    10 June 2019 in reply to Dogdude

    Hello Rob

    Much better name than Dog. You sound more positive. I believe it is worth while seeing your GP and starting the search for answers. You are right saying Still I have to try as living like this is becoming increasingly difficult.

    It's Monday and the start of the working week. So only one day before you talk with your GP. Do you get on well with him/her? More to the point, do you trust your GP? I suggested above that you print out one or two of your posts for the doctor to read. It's a much easier way to start the conversation. Print as many posts as you wish.

    I am so pleased you have given us your name. I feel you are getting more comfortable posting here. I hope it means you also feel more supported. Can you let us know how you get on with the doctor tomorrow please?

    Mary

    2 people found this helpful
  26. Dogdude
    Dogdude avatar
    29 posts
    11 June 2019 in reply to White Rose

    Hi Mary,

    I had my appointment this morning, he's referring me to a psychiatrist and mentioned possible TMS or ECT treatment. Not sure how I feel about this, have a lot of thinking to do.

    Thanks for all your support.

    Rob

  27. White Rose
    Community Champion
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    White Rose avatar
    5252 posts
    11 June 2019 in reply to Dogdude

    Hello Rob

    If I may suggest, please see a psychiatrist. The treatments are optional so while it's good to find out as much as possible remember it does not commit you to anything. As I understand it ECT has changed and advanced a lot during the past few years. All the old stories we heard are out of date. I find this reassuring. Not well up on TMS and how it works but will look it up.

    Hope you have a good night.

    Mary

    2 people found this helpful
  28. Quercus
    Community Champion
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    Quercus avatar
    3206 posts
    13 June 2019 in reply to Dogdude

    Hi Rob (and a wave to Mary too),

    I'm glad you stuck with your plan and saw the GP. Good on you. I'm with Mary... It is important to hear what the psychiatrist says about the treatments.

    Ultimately your treatment is your choice. It is good that youre taking the time to research. There are some threads here about TMS and ETC which may be worth a read too.

    Considering treatment options can be overwhelming. Please don't hesitate to ask questions of your doctor (or here). Whatever you decide we're all here and care.

    Ah a lazy k9 sounds like a dream. I forgot what absolute terrors puppies are. One chases the chooks, the other destroys my plants and then they gang up to dig everywhere! But in between the chaos they follow me about like shadows and I'm smitten anyway 😊.

    Hope Bella is giving supportive k9 TLC. Best kind of therapy.

    1 person found this helpful
  29. Billyc
    Billyc  avatar
    212 posts
    13 June 2019 in reply to Presto74

    Hi Presto

    welldone for reaching out..

    digital hug...

    there are resources here that you can use to help you get some lift in your life, and there are members here full of life experience that can help too., happy to hear from you, I am sorry for what you are going through, its not fun, but I have found this forum a safe place to keep myself going, I recommend the same for you.

    wish you well

    1 person found this helpful
  30. Dogdude
    Dogdude avatar
    29 posts
    16 June 2019 in reply to Quercus

    Hi Nat and Mary,

    Only 2 sleeps to go until my appointment and I'm anxious about it! I know it's something I have to do, yet at the same time I'm regretting going down this path. If only I had been stronger...

    Thank you once again for your kind words and support.

    Take care of yourselves,

    Rob

    1 person found this helpful

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