hi, new to posting here. the situation is stupid. i was at a friends at a get together with maybe 10 ppl, most i know well a few i didn’t. a guy left to go home. when i left later i saw he left his vape on the couch, and i put it in my back pocket. i left her apartment, and he was on his way back upstairs to get it. i just told him i hope he found it. i couldn’t just say “oh yeah i have it” or try to follow him upstairs and naturally procure it for him. so i just left. idk what i was thinking, it can’t just magically disappear. he’s going to think someone stole it. which i did. i feel like shit about it. i hate smoking and i hate the feeling of nicotine. recently i had some bloods done to check my testosterone levels (i’m a trans guy) and my doctor told me my liver wasnt looking good, asked if i drank a lot. i think i might. i sometimes drink a whole bottle of wine just while watching movies in the evening. i join my parents for a couple glasses of wine. i also go out with friends and drink at least once a week, and usually 8 standards minimum. so in my head i wonder if i took the vape bc i want a substitute for drinking..? but i also feel i could just knuckle down and not drink by myself firstly, don’t drink with parents, and curb drinking with friends. but when my friends do things we usually go clubbing or house party kinda situations.
i feel dysphoric and have stopped doing any form of exercise for at least 8 months now. or maybe i’m just lazy and can’t change my life style. i can’t tell which is the truth. i have top surgery booked for february next year, but i’m scared of telling myself everything will improve after that, bc deep down i think it’s a lifestyle choice not my dysphoria. but also dysphoria obviously doesn’t help and does impact me but i don’t think it’s the only reason.
i feel anxious immoral and awful for taking the vape. idk why that vape feels so symbolic to me rn. i feel like i should like hurt myself or smthn to somehow prove i need help. i have tried to “get help” but found it easy to show how these fucked up parts of myself happen so irregularly, and drinking hasn’t really presented itself as an addiction or anything serious. i feel like i’m in a grey area where i could get my shit together or slide into a dark place. but i mostly exist as a perfectly studious, working self sufficient person. just shit like this creeps up and makes me unable to sleep some nights.