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Forums / Suicidal thoughts and self-harm / Single mumma and I'm sick of it

Topic: Single mumma and I'm sick of it

13 posts, 0 answered
  1. Lilly18
    Lilly18 avatar
    77 posts
    30 October 2018

    Hello,

    I feel horrible for even thinking this and now typing it.

    I'm so stressed and I think i hate my children. I cringe everytime they speak. Im lucky IF they speak, its constantly yelling and fighting, so am i.

    They make my chest hurt.

    I take an anti anxiety med every afternoon just to get through. And also on an Ad.

    Their father died 2 years ago, when they have a cry for him I don't even care anymore, i get snappy and yell. Because there is nothing I can do. I can't deal with them.

    I feel like the worst mother in the world. I'm angry and unable to give my children the love they need and deserve which makes their behaviour worse.

    There's not a worse feeling to hear your child sobbing in bed because you yelled 100 times for them to go to sleep. Believe me there is alot more to the story..I just cant do this

    1 person found this helpful
  2. smallwolf
    Community Champion
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    2181 posts
    31 October 2018 in reply to Lilly18

    Lilly18,

    Hi. And welcome to beyond blue. The snippet of your life story moved me.

    I know (from your post) that you feel you hate your children, except that your last sentences would contradict that statement; when you said there is no worse feeling than hearing your child sobbing in bed. This is a statement of love, care and concern. Not hate.

    Now I am not a professional counsellor. Just another user on the forum, sitting and chatting with you. I hope you will permit me to ask you some questions. I only ask these questions as I cannot comprehend what it must be like for you having to work (?), take on the roles of both parents, etc.

    • Can I ask how old your children are?
    • Have your children gotten over the loss of their father yet? Have you?
    • Have you been able to talk to anyone about what you are going through? Family? Friends? Therapist?
    • Are there any support groups for single parents in your area you can talk to or meet with?
    • Do you have any time to be yourself?

    But you have come to beyond blue, a place of caring and supportive people. At this point in time, it would be wrong for me to give you any suggestion as to what actions you should take - we are just getting to know each other. But I can this... I am listening to you as to tell your story. I hope that you will come back and chat some more. There is light at the end of the tunnel, it is just difficult to see at the moment?

    Talk to you soon,

    Tim

    1 person found this helpful
  3. Lilly18
    Lilly18 avatar
    77 posts
    31 October 2018 in reply to smallwolf

    Hi Tim,

    They are 8, 6 & 3 years old. I was 26 and partner died at just 28 years young.

    I'm not aware of any single mothers groups, although there is playgroup for sort of disadvantage mothers, they are more ally young mums about 16yrs old. Not really something I feel like joining.

    I have been seeing a great psychologist and have just scratched the surface there and feeling more comfortable with her now. I dont like talking to family or friends ( i only have 1 friend) about my feelings or what's really going on.

    No, we havnt gotten over the loss. I dont think we ever will. Some days are ok others are not. It's a rollercoaster.

    And no I don't work at the moment so I do have time to myself but it doesn't feel like it.

    Thanks for the message I just had a really bad day yesterday :(

    1 person found this helpful
  4. smallwolf
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    31 October 2018 in reply to Lilly18

    Lilly18,

    Hi. Me again. I have been seeing psychologist for about a year now and it takes some time (for me, at least) to get to the bottom of things. I am certain you will speak with her about your loss, and she will also have other ideas for you in relation to your children? As my wife has said to me... you just need to go with it. Unfortunately we cannot just flick a switch and everything will be OK.

    If there were a single mothers group, would you be interested in going? Wondering of your local member (parliament) might be able to point you in the right direction? Or perhaps one of your local churches might know of some groups?

    I have 2 nephews around the ages of your kids who fight a bit. I could tell you what she does to help reduce the fights but that would come across me telling you how to ....

    With that said, and everything feeling negative at the moment, somehow we (read me) have to find ways to look forward to the (next) day. One trick my psych told me was in relation to re-wiring my brain and writing about things to look forward to each day, or what I accomplished, or pleasures. This won't overcome your loss, but might help to make the days a little more bearable?

    Tim

    1 person found this helpful
  5. Ggrand
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    4785 posts
    1 November 2018 in reply to Lilly18

    Hello Lilly,

    Im sorry to hear about you partner and father of your three children...my deep sympathy...

    Awe sweety, I’m sorry you feel like your the worst mother in the world...Your a young mother, who is raising 3 adorable children on your own...Thats a very difficult task at any time, without any mh issues....

    Lilly, I feel the same,I don’t think we ever get over loosing our partners/ husband...I lost mine 5 years ago, and the hurt and missing him is still with me....

    I am thinking, if your parents or your partners parents could look after your children for a few hours on the week end to give you time out and the grandparents can enjoy their grandchildren for a few hours....Sorry if I said wrong here...Not sure about now..my kids are all grown up and have kids that are starting to grow up...but the school that they attended had a playgroup running twice a week,

    I’m really glad to read that you have good professionals helping you....

    I just really wanted to call in because your little story is so powerfully sad, I need to come in and say hello and olet you know how sorry I was to hear about your partner, and I would like to sit with you if that’s okay, hold your hand and just be here for you if you need to talk at any time...

    Sending you some warm caring hugs..🤗🤗🤗.l

    Kind thoughts..

    Grandy...

    3 people found this helpful
  6. Blue moth
    Blue moth avatar
    2 posts
    2 November 2018 in reply to Lilly18

    Hey lily I hope you start feeling better soon I'm sorry for your loss I am I single mum of 2 I have my nefue through the week and 3 is hard work I couldn't do it all the time its not just you all mums lose there shit we all losing out shit n if some mums look like they have it all together behind close doors there losing there shit to it's so hard being a mum n I dont think anyone ever feels like they r doing a good job but hey we r doing it.. before you can be the best mum you can be you have to make sure your ok .. iv been doing therapy for a few months now and I'm finding it really helpful I reccomend it so much.. aswell as exercise and a hobbie whatever your into whatever makes you feel good atleast once a week ..do you have any support ? U need to give yourself a break dont beat up on yourself just notice what is going on n work every day little by little to get better n then everything else will get better too.. hope that helps hope things start getting better for you soon March on mumma xxx

    2 people found this helpful
  7. Lilly18
    Lilly18 avatar
    77 posts
    9 November 2018 in reply to Blue moth

    Thankyou Tim, Grandy and Blue Moth.

    Grandy your world's are so sweet, it really is what I need to hear sometimes. Even from a stranger online! 💕

    my mother in law does mind my 3year old for 1 day of the week, she is very reliable and I can always count on her which is great. But if it was on the weekend that would be amazing.

    Hey blue moth, i hear you there. It really does seem like other mums have got it together, maybe some do. I feel there is nothing to work away at to get better and better, facts are facts and the fact is my life's crap 🙁

  8. Lilly18
    Lilly18 avatar
    77 posts
    23 November 2018 in reply to Lilly18

    What do you do when you reach the absolute end of your tether, cannot take it anymore.

    Also thought i was doing ok on my meds but looking back and the way I have been feeling and acting I really don't think I'm doing ok

  9. Lilly18
    Lilly18 avatar
    77 posts
    24 November 2018 in reply to Lilly18

    Can someone tell me it's going to be ok.

    I saw dads at the shops pushing prams and almost balled my eyes out. So embarrassing. I have snapped im a mess.  I can't talk only yelling and swearing words come out

  10. smallwolf
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    2181 posts
    25 November 2018 in reply to Lilly18

    Lilly,

    Sorry to hear things are not working out for you at the moment. And in your 2nd last post you asked what to do when you are at the end of your tether. I have an app on my phone called virtual hope box that was recommended to me by my psychologist. One of the features of this app are short guided meditations. I found these to be helpful for myself. As an alternative to listening to guided meditation, I have also created a thread, where I can put short stories/meditations I previously used in replies. The link to the thread is here...

    https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/staying-well/a-guided-meditation-#qrafv3HzvGGEbv8AAOnT_A

    I hope this helps,

    Tim

    1 person found this helpful
  11. Ggrand
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    4785 posts
    28 November 2018 in reply to Lilly18

    Hello Lilly,

    Awe sweetheart, I’m really very sorry that when you saw some dads pushing prams..You nearly balled your eyes out, it’s okay to cry, if you need to, let the tears fall...There is no need to feel embarrassed if they do fall, your going through a very hard time, with the loss of your partner and now raising your 3 children on your own... your going through a really hard time and my heart goes out to you..I think your doing an amazing job, even if you don’t see it yet..

    It’s really good that your mother in law watches them one day a week, that gives you a little break. Maybe on that day, you could give yourself some well deserved self care, and do something that you enjoy doing, to give your mind a little break...from well..everyday stresses...

    When my thoughts are really chatty, I have a few instrumentals I listen to, I select one instrument in the music that’s playing and concerntrate only on that instrument, until the instrumental is finished, by doing that, my thoughts are only on the music and I feel a little less emotional for a while...I also do that before bed as well,it really sounds good through earphones....Donor have you tried meditation at all? I was very skepible at first, but decided to try it anyway and it is helping me with settling me when I’m over emotional..maybe you give it a try and see if it helps you even a little..

    You’re not a bad Mum sweetheart, you clearly love your children so very much, and want the best forvthem, but your struggling through a hard time dealing with the loss of your partner and that’s hard to do..I think you are doing a very hard job, the best you can and that’s all anyone can do...Please try so very hard not to be to hard on yourself...

    Im not sure if I’ve said anything useful at all, but please know that I care and will try to be here to support you as much as I’m able to do, if that’s okay...

    This is your thread to talk as much or as little as you feel your able to...I’m sitting next to you and gently holding your hand..hoping you are going to be Okay..

    Not sure now, but when my children were young the local school had a playgroup one day a week, im wondering if the schools still do this..your younger child could then play with other children and you could have some adult conversations with the other mums, and this could eventually lead to possibly friendships and play dates at each other’s houses..

    Kind and caring thoughts.

    Grandy.l

    2 people found this helpful
  12. Lilly18
    Lilly18 avatar
    77 posts
    9 December 2018 in reply to Ggrand

    Is there any advice out there regarding children that don't want to live?

    My 8 year old says it everyday, he wishes he wasn't here. He says it in other words too. His christmas wish is to be dead.

    He will be upset about something minor (to me) then tries to kill himself in a tantrum.

    I have tried getting on his level, acknowledge his feelings, validate them and come up with a solution with him, sometimes there is no solution. There is no way to bring back his dad from the sky.

    I havnt had success with the above so now I just flip my lid.

    My 6 year old asks me if I like life. I said I like it when you guys don't fight. He says he hates his life and wishes he wasn't born. Please help :(

    I have failed at life, failed at being a mum, a failure of a person. Its obvious now.

  13. smallwolf
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    2181 posts
    9 December 2018 in reply to Lilly18

    Hi Lilly,

    I am really sorry your kids feel this way. And frightening to hear your children speak like that.

    It sounds like you are doing everything that I might have suggested to you. You are getting down to their level, showing empathy, asking them about the problem, etc. From what you are saying they both are missing their dad a lot. Perhaps finding other ways to express their feelings in terms of anger, sadness, hurt. And when they say this sit with them to help them through the moment. Drawing a picture or something?

    There is also the question of seriousness. This does not mean the topic is not serious, but whether to ask them how to gauge their safety? And then, whether professional help is needed in speaking with a counselor to speak through the issue. Whether you talk to someone at Anglicare or psychologist or school counselor, help is available.

    Remember that you are doing the best job you can in raising 2 children. So you are not a failure as you put it. Support organisations might be able to point you in the right direction for help. Another organisation is parentline (1300 30 1300).

    Peace and comfort,

    Tim

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