I wish I was there standing beside you, questioning your parents, when you express so honestly and painfully how you feel.
I would ask 'What leads you to laugh at such incredibly deep soul destroying pain? What leads you to see this as a joke?'. I would ask 'What leads you to recognise someone who needs desperate attention, yet fall so short by simply labeling them 'an attention seeker' and that is it?'. I would ask 'What leads you to feel so inconvenienced by someone's pain to the point where it causes you anger?' As someone who has felt the full impact of the depths of depression earlier in my life and as a mum - I cannot help but question so much.
When surviving depression feels like a full time job, it can be incredibly hard to work in any other area of our life. No one understands this better than someone who's experienced this mindset. When depression's not as intense, a job can then be manageable.
Not sure if the following will help in any way Chris but I hope so:
I've found perspective is what dictates reality. From the perspective of depression, the very depths of it can hold truly torturous internal dialogue. From the perspective of having come out of 15 or so years of depression, the dialogue, for me, makes more sense. It's the same dialogue based on 2 different realities. From the reality of depression
- I just can't do this anymore
- If this is what life is, it is torturous
- What's the point of going on?
- I am worthless. No one cares about me
and so on.
From reality outside of depression
- I just can't do this anymore. I can't live with my self, that sense of self who can't see or feel the truth. That sense of self who longs to find the truth and master feeling it must come into play
- If this is what life is, it is torturous. Life comes with overwhelming challenges at times and some of those can feel incredibly torturous. It's the nature of some challenges to feel depressing. The greater the challenge the more depressing it can feel. Personally, I've come to grade my challenges based on how I feel them. I can also feel when I've come out of one or am coming out of one
- What's the point of going on? I believe our #1 job is to go on to truly know our self, evolving beyond who we think we are or who we're led to believe we are
- I am worthless. No one cares about me. I am worth less only through the eyes of those who fail to see my value. They are failing. Those who do not care are careless. I will feel who cares and who doesn't care enough