In a good place now but whats keeping me here or kept me here?
My 12 months old French bulldog puppy....he looks like the dog in my Profile Picture

Hes the light of my life :)

Hi tumbleweed8,

Thank you for your post and welcome to the forum.

I am very sorry you feel like you have been put down by some people's talk. At times, words can cut deeper than knives, don't you think?

At the same time, I see so much strength in you: "I stay to prove them wrong. I stay so that one day, when I have a happy life, I will have the ability to shut those people out of it." This means guts. This means courage. This means inner strength. This means dignity. This means self-worth and self-respect. Keep it up, mate. Don't let them drive you to the very edge. They are simply not worth your health or life. They are just people. Bad people whom you have been unfortunate enough to come across. They come. But eventually, they go. And then you meet some other people, like us here, who will care about you and treat you with respect.

I stay because of my faith in the universe.

My faith that my past abuse was not my fault and I can heal from it,

I stay because a stranger told me yesterday that we are all here for a reason and there is healing out there.

I stay because I am a tiny bit stronger than yesterday - so perhaps tomorrow I will experience even more strength?

I stay for my psychologist, my gp, and my psychiatrist who I ates for a bit but now appreciate...

I stay because things aren't black and white. Because I have gone through ugly things but that doesn't make me ugly, I habe witnessed awful brutality but I am not brutal, because, ultimately, I believe love wins.

Hi tumbleweed,

Welcome to the forum.

I've picked up on your last comment "I stay to prove them wrong. I stay so that one day, when I have a happy life, I will have the ability to shut those people out of it."

"Ability" .. not being capable of keeping toxic people out of our lives can be troublesome and tormenting. I've had this state of mind in the past and I'd dwell on those peoples actions and comments. Since then I've developed some filters for self protection. It explained in one of my threads please google-

Beyondblue fortress of survival

I'd like to highlight that if someone's behaviour is so bad that it leads you to "suicide thoughts" then it could be better to consider regulating your contact frequency in order to distance yourself. With some people, particularly controlling or narcissistic types, offence can be felt but it's your life, you should have no guilt in such distancing.

You also stated you are not happy. Seeking happiness is no different than other aspects of our lives as it needs planning and strategies. A 1,2,5 and 10 years plan. Eg financial stability could be part of that plan as could seeking love, friendship and career aspirations.

Finally, by all means select a section from topic and start your own thread asking for opinions and guidance. We're here to help. With anonymity there is nothing to fear.

TonyWK

3 things keeping me alive today;

• My pet rats
• University
• Food

How are we supposed to feel. When u only had a small network of people that u liked, trusted, that was supportive and kind. Then suddenly there gone and it's like, we were Colleagues not friends. I think I have Deluded myself into thinking I had anything more than a crap family and and just nice people at work..I think I just created myself friends.

3 things keeping me alive today

My therapist

My conversation with casa helpline

nature and beautiful views, a promise of calm and hope

Same, I am scared of judt harming myself and complicating my life by an attempt.

I also tend to live for my therapy appointments. I don't even know why. My therapist isn't so wonderful.

I just find him quirky and warm, and I guess his reassuring presence week after week makes me feel like someone believes in me. I need that external support because left to my own devices, I don't much believe in me, my potential, or my future.

My husband, my animals and a small very small dot of hope tat this time it will be different. This time the psychiatrist does know what they are talking about. This dot has diminished over the years but a microbial speck is there. I love my husband and animals but as I may or may not have shared I have planned to minimise the impact my death would have.

It is that dot and its link to tjis psychiatrist that has me holding on for at least one more week.

I hear you! We sound quite similar with our thoughts.

Whilst I really don't want to be here anymore, I am so scared of making another attempt and it not working. Like you said, making things worse for myself. I couldn't deal with the humiliation again but the thing is, I'm not sure how much longer this will be a reason. Past attempts have been 'spur of the moment' and I feel this could happen again. I just need to be triggered by something.

My psychologist is a sweet lady and she lets me feel and say what I need to. I know she really cares about me. I tell her everything, all the stuff I can't say to family and friends. I don't have to sugar-coat anything; she knows I'm suicidal etc.

She and my GP are my support network.

Hello all....I am not sure why I am writing here except I feel some of you may understand and perhaps even relate to these thoughts and feelings I have had over past months...the catalyst for this frame of mind for me, was I think, the death of my partner. I have lost "myself" since then and cannot find "me".

I don't feel I am alive still... and while not planning any suicidal actual act....feel I have gained some understanding and experience of those who strongly want to and make attempts.

I am of a "mature age" but find that hard to believe or accept. I felt much younger and alive when my partner was here to know me, relate to me, touch me. Now I feel no one sees me and if no one sees me, do I exist?

When someone suicides, friends invariably ask puzzled "WHY didn't he/she SAY something? Why didn't she TELL me how she was feeling?"......I know why. because she cared about you so much she didn't want to burden a friend with that scary knowledge, knowing they wouldn't know what to say or do anyway!

I am seeing a counsellor tomorrow and can at least tell her how I am feeling. I have lovely friends and sometimes want to pick up the phone and beg them for help or just some words!

But I can't do that to them.that's a heavy burden to lay upon them.so that's why, in my opinion, people who suicide don't SAY anything to friends or family.

also I think once a decision has been made, the person sort of "crosses over" before any physical act. I knew someone who died naturally but had accepted the possibility calmly, even willingly .

He did not try to get better, seek treatment or take medical advice which would have helped. This person said several times "I have crossed over already".he stopped caring for himself and seemed at ease with the possibility of death coming soon. Once he had "crossed over to the other side" I could sense there was no coming back for him. He had decided.

the past months has given me more insight into suicide. I know more than I did before. I can see no reason to believe my life will improve . I will never get healthier, stronger, more attractive.my aches and pains and ageing health is only going to worsen, not be "cured" Old age cannot be "cured" or stopped in its tracks.

I don't feel like a woman, just a statistic...a "senior, or elderly citizen" No one relates to me as a woman, so who, or what am I? I don't know how to be anyone else. Where do I go from here? Is it time for me to "cross over to the other side?"

Hello Moon,

I want to give you a gentle hug if that is ok...

You do sound as though you are in a dark place... I hope having the counsellor to talk to will over time help you find a way through the darkness.

I don't know how old you are... but you are never too old to find someone who see's you & loves you... I had a relative who outlived 3 husbands... she married her 2nd one in her late 60s & her third in her 80s... it was obvious neither was a marriage just for companionship... both of her husbands clearly saw her as an attractive woman.

I have been suicidal in the past... not wanting to die... just unable to see a reason to go on... at the time all I could see was my life getting worse & being pointless...

I know it is probably hard for you to believe right now... but it is possible to move past these feelings... to find a way through to a place where you will want to go on... where you will enjoy things again... even if at the moment you can't. I'm not going to lie & say it will happen ridiculously quickly... it will take time & I think working through your grief & loss (hopefully with the counsellors help) will be a big part of you coming through this long dark patch. Nor am I going to say it will be all sunshine & roses after... there may be times where something will trigger a rough patch however brief... but hopefully by then you be able to see it is just a phase & you will have the necessary strategies to move through it & out the other side.

I now have an agreement with my sister if I feel I am close to doing something silly... I will ring her (if the middle of the night then I will ring a help line)... I have given her my word & she knows I would never break my word... that stops her worrying about me...

As you say we don't want to burden our friends or family... so I keep that for my psychologist or the helpline... but I am now able to ring my sister because part of the agreement is I don't have to talk about what has brought me to that point... all I have to say about is "I'm in a bad place"... we then talk about anything else from serious world stuff to the banal or silly... surprisingly it does help me to step back from the precipice... it also helps her as she no longer has the worry that she is being kept in the dark as to how I really am.

Just from your posts on bb it is clear you are an intelligent, compassionate woman with a great sense of humour (especially in your posts with Croix)... you can find a newer you.

Paws

Thank you Paws.....your words meant a lot to me. I will write more later here as I go along, if I can...you seem to understand how I feel, so thank you for taking the time.....xx

Hi moonstruck, Ur post really sat with me.

I'm young but feel invisible, feeling seen and wanted was something that made me feel better at times, I don't think u are invisible and the beauty yr partner saw in you was intrinsic to u.

Dear Moon~

I can understand yur feeling the peron you were is no longer there - on the outside at least, and that age does bring physical problems.

I also think you are wrong to give up on being seen as attractive and a person to be with. You have a fund of experiences, wsdom and fun inside you. These are things that become increasingly important as one lives longer on this earth.

As an example if (god forbid) I was ever widower-ed again I could not really relate to someone much less than my own age. One relies far too much on being understood becuse of common experiences, not just the big things like the loss of a partner, but the small things too. Being able to quote a line from a comedy such as

Bernard saying:
"That’s one of those irregular verbs, isn’t it? I give confidential security briefings. You leak. He has been charged under section 2a of the Official Secrets Act."

Or simply referring to "Eee lad we was working 25 hours a day down pitt".

Common ground, be it serious like loss and grief , or lighter material is terribly important, at least for someone like me, and you can offer that to anyone, particularly as you provide the feminine point of view -essential. It offsets a lot of the problems of age. You can be cared for again. It is just people are looking for something other than the attractions of youth with which they have little in common..

There is another aspect too. I spent 18 months around 3 years ago teaching somone all I know about a technical subject so they could take over from me. It was a pleasure and a delight to have my knowledge and experience gratefully received and put to tangible use.

You have skills, eg bowling, that can be not only used yourself when the right tournament comes along, but can also be passed on anytime.

As for burdening others. I have two sorts of people I'd call friends, the majority know nothing of my internal state, but nevertheless can be talked with , joked with and conversed with on all sorts of subjects. It is no burden to them but can give me a great lift.

The other sort are the ones with whom I do confide, chosen in part for their experience, and in part becuse they will not panic or become overly burdened but take a practical approach.

I wonder which sort your son is? Whichever he sounds a light in your life, as I expect do grand-kids.

I think Paw Prints talks a lot of sense

Croix

My higher power keeps me here.

The aa gd of our understanding

Not a spiritual, or religious power, but just knowing there's more than my brain and heart.

I feel that life isn't worth living but I could be wrong

Thanks Croix and Sleepy....

actually Croix, you were lucky to live in a room..we had to live in corridor!!

"corridor? I used to dream of living in a corridor..we had to live in a rain water tank on a rubbish tip" ********

Without revealing too much about myself I hope, I had better tell you my "bowling club" awarded me an honour,; I knew you would be pleased for me...came out of the blue but was good to receive.

I appreciate the kindness offered to me here, especially from Sophie whose help lifted my spirits somewhat.

Sleepy just saying you "get" my original post helps considerably too....that's all it takes. Why did I have to resort to an anonymous forum to receive just this response.."I get you" ??? It would be nice if I could get that feedback from friends or family....but no one close to me ever mentions my grief experience, or asks how I am going along the journey?

It seems impossible to be able to suddenly bring it up during a conversation about something else. what am I supposed to do? Interrupt and say "by the way I'd like to talk about the death of my partner now, and how I coped/am coping/or not coping with the grief process"......

it seems the impossible conversation to have with a friend. His birthday is coming up and I mentioned it casually in passing while chatting to my sister. she said "Oh, how old would he have been this year?"...then "How long since he died is it now?".....that's all. I understand as she is quite a bit older than me, from a generation who never discussed feelings, emotions or said I Love You etc....I am so glad I had such different life experiences that enables me to do this.

Croix re my son....this one is a "glass half full"person. Wish I had that knack!. i think this attitude has played a part in his having already lived an extremely full life, travelled to many countries over the world, has deep genuine relationships with his friends, adores the work and activities he does, has a beautiful high achieving woman who loves him .....and tries his best to jerk me back into life. He seems afraid of nothing! I pray life continues to repay him for his love of it!!

Dearest Moon,

I echo what all the wise ppl here have said about you. You are wise too and a lovely woman... yes you are :) i understand the feelings of invisible. I like it though, i have always hated attention. But i do get what you are saying. And re your partner and his passing and all it has left you feeling... we are here for you Moon. It sounds 'normal' given you are so kind, loving and such a deep thinker. Of course you will be feeling and thinking so much. There is no end to it. But that is one of the things that makes you special. I lost my pet last year and today is an anniversary day. Ppl say get another one, but it is deeper than that. I struggle going on without her. I relate to your words so much of how do we go on without them (your partner, my pet) and the crossing over. I'm starting to see it as an end to the pain/ grief. I am safe just so bb know. But it is unbearable to live without her. I thank you for sharing Moon and hope you know that you connect with a lot of us here. I hope that you find ways to make things a bit lighter each day. Kind wishes to you today and always xoxo

Over the decades of my adult life, those thoughts & feelings, which were so strong during my teenage years, have dwindled down. No longer a raging fire, just an unseasonable warmth in the basement. I have a dim awareness of it, way in the background.

Sure there were times when the fire flared up again.

I'd think about another attempt, just because I hurt so much, & could not imagine living with the pain & other emotions (I hadn't named yet). What kept me going was an idea that I had to wait for the 'right time' or 'permission' - I can't explain.

I didn't act because I don't tend to act. I am quite passive. If something was to happen to me, then so be it, I thought, but I could actively do very little.

People I've heard say, someone is a coward for doing, but I felt a coward for NOT doing , but continuing to accept & obey that thought in my mind that I must wait.

*

Looking back, I see I was angry at having these thoughts & feelings, because some people hurt me so much.

If I was to act upon the ideas in my mind, it would be in retaliation, at them, & for how I felt - about how I had reacted. I was angry at my own reactions to being hurt.

If I attempted to, I would only, really, be hurting myself more.

Somewhere along the way, I rejected having been hurt so much & being so angry, as any sort of valid reason for taking my own life. If I was to do that - they would have had the ultimate power over me.

This is where I am now, & why I am still here, with my aches & pains, feelings, thoughts heading towards my next decade, two or three(? who knows?), neither suicidal nor exactly embracing life. Still getting through, not much invested in my own life, but trying to take more of an interest, & more care of it.

mmMekitty

Thank you, Golden82,

I lost my pet, the cat of my avatar, Mekitty, some years ago, but I still have days when missing her overwhelms me & I can think of little else. These days are not so often, now, & are not so intense either. I know these times are brief & I will be feeling better soon. I just let them be what they are, allow myself to feel the loss of her again, think more deliberately about the things I lovd, the funny, adorable, & even irritating things I loved.

I had people also tell ask me if I would be getting another cat, or suggesting I should, & saying you can get another one, as if another would be an exact replacement for Mekitty, an individual, as much as you or I. If I did feel I could take on the care & responsibility for another cat, that would be another cat, with their own personality & little behaviours, too. I'm also not quite the same as I was, either, my own health & eyesight having deteriorated, so to have another cat would be a major decision.

She was a unique part of my life - irreplaceable. I think I still love her all the more since realising that.

& yes, if I'd been so down as to feel like not being here, she would have been a very good reason to stay: because I needed what she seemed to be giving me, the purring, the affection, the greeting, the waking me in the morning,, because she needed food, her eagerness for our little games, the little chats we had, coming to me when I called, or made a clicking with my fingernails, her (limited) acceptance of my cuddles, & holding, which were all such a comfort to me. Without knowing, she kept me coming back for more.

mmMekitty

Hi all, I'm truly sorry for Ur losses, it is so hard to hear ppl tell u to get another cat!

I relate.

I didn't know I could feel as bad as I do now, and yet the worse I feel the harder it gets to speak about it, I guess shame and fear of being rejected or not being pleasant to talk to, if i share a very deep abyss which is the reality I live with

To go back to why I stay...I have moments where I feel someone can hold my pain and see q bigger picture....that it will pass.

And like a higher power, I sort of accept I could be wrong about pain and it's permanence.

A few ppl have told me I won't feel 5his way forever

Sometimes I don't believe it, sometimes I do.

Yes, Sleepy, it is sometimes not possible to believe the depths of our dispair, pain & sorrow will ever get any better, while we are in the centre of it. That's why it is very important to notice, even make a record of when the feelings do get better, noting they do, each time they do, & with that evidence, you can accept 'things will get better' & 'this won't last forever', at least in your head, if not in your heart.

❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️to keep you here. In case no one has told you lately, you are worth having around.😸

mmMekitty

Hi all

I'm grateful for you all.

Staying here is hard.

Things have gone so badly and I've lost any hope for my future

I feel like words can't describe that feeling, it's endless and awful

I stay because I don't know what 3lse to do, it's all I know to do

I find little goals to work on but I don't anymore find that makaz up for an overall lack of point or meaning in my life

I live for bonds, connections and relationships with other ppl

Dear Moon~

"A WHOLE rain-water tank! Luxury, sheer luxury! Why, we had to live in cardboard box ..."

I think from the foregoing you must agree at least to some extent with the point I was trying to make. I do know with Mrs C there is so much humor and fun we would miss out on if we were not close in age, as well as like attitudes from similar life experiences.

I'm delighted the bowling club awarded you an honor. Not only is it great to have yur talents appreciated but implies, at least to me, you are still mixed up and interacting wiht that group.

You have such a rich knowledge of bowling identified and events you really might consider passing all that on, especially from your unique viewpoint.

Your son sounds a lovely person, and I'm glad he is in your life. Even if you do not confide everything in him I'm sure he would lift your spirits just in normal chat.

Here of course, where the pen is mightier than the bowling ball, you do have people who care and listen. - and respond.

"The clouds were drifting over the moon at their giddiest speed, at one time wholly obscuring her, then suffering her to burst forth in full splendor and shed her light on all the objects around"

Croix