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Forums / Suicidal thoughts and self-harm / Tell us your thoughts - What's kept or keeping you here?

Topic: Tell us your thoughts - What's kept or keeping you here?

  1. Dan-the-Downer
    Dan-the-Downer avatar
    14 posts
    24 July 2018 in reply to IreneM

    What keep me going?

    Fear of failure.

    Failing my in my duties to my commanding officer.

    Failing to mentor and develop my troops.

    Failing to provide for my family.

    Failing to honour the legacy of my grandfather.

    What triggers me: Crowed Spaces, Driving on public roads, taking on too many responsibilities (work, home, etc) which I do all the time.

    I've always been the reliable, responsible one you put onto a task to get it done. Now I feel like I have crumbled away and am not effective in any aspect of what I am required to do. I no longer feel any connection to anyone or anything. I don't feel happiness or job, only frustration, anger and pain.

    3 people found this helpful
  2. Overwhelmed and confsed
    Overwhelmed and confsed avatar
    3 posts
    30 July 2018

    The only reason im here:

    1: Because i feel like my family would blame themselves for not doing anything or not knowing.

    2: Because personally i think the only reason we are alive is to prepare ourselves for the next stage of life, in school you prepare for work, in work you prepare for retirement. Then with your social life you have prepare to find a suitable soulmate to then have kids with if you both wish to, then you have kids and prepare them for life to continue the cycle. I just feel like theres no point, so the second reason is i dont want to affect anyone elses future who is around me that hasn't realised this yet.

    Thats my reason, but everyones different

    3 people found this helpful
  3. murphy sam
    murphy sam avatar
    7 posts
    30 July 2018
    my mum and dad and i don't like pain
    2 people found this helpful
  4. DanTheMan001
    DanTheMan001 avatar
    89 posts
    7 August 2018 in reply to murphy sam

    Rlly everyone would be happy that I am dead except my extended family and the fact that it would be painful. Also the fact I can't play video games. Instead of killing myself I just want to fall asleep and never wake up. I am only 13 and I think this way: This world is way too messed up to fix, and it's just getting worse.

  5. Carkly
    Carkly  avatar
    1 posts
    10 August 2018
    The pain every single day sinks a deep black hole in my heart, crying just isn’t enough. At the moment my kids keep me here, I don’t want to break my sons. They are happy and I hide my pain well. But one day I know it won’t be enough, each time I cry myself to sleep I get a little closer, I give up a little more.
    2 people found this helpful
  6. Chloe_M
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    Chloe_M avatar
    836 posts
    13 August 2018 in reply to Carkly

    Hi Carkly,

    Welcome to the forums. Thank you for reaching out to us. We are all here to help you through whatever you are dealing with.

    My advice to you is this: create your own thread. Then, we can directly communicate with you and provide help and support and advice. A new thread will also be more noticeable than a general one like this, as this thread's post count is high and not displaying the fact that you are new and in need of help.

    If you decide to do this, let me and the others know here what it is called.

    Be kind to yourself and have a good day. You will get through this. We are here to help :)

    x Chloe

    2 people found this helpful
  7. luckytries
    luckytries avatar
    6 posts
    19 August 2018
    The only thing keeping me going is the hope that one day I might live the life I’ve always wanted, even though it’s hard to imagine sometimes.
    3 people found this helpful
  8. S_rodas
    S_rodas avatar
    1 posts
    31 August 2018 in reply to luckytries
    My whole life I have felt stupid, recently found out I have autism, my parents new this but didn’t tell me, although I’m on medication it doesn’t do shit. I hate myself because I feel dumb and useless and I have no friends, I’m so lonely to the point that if I die I wonder how long it would take somone to notice
    2 people found this helpful
  9. Ggrand
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Ggrand avatar
    9833 posts
    31 August 2018 in reply to S_rodas

    Hello S_rodas,

    Welcome to B.B. forums..

    So good you've been able to find your way to the BeyondBlue (BB) forums. You'll find the people who respond are friendly, caring, supportive and respect privacy.....We are just people who have mental health issues like yourself and are willing to share our insight from our own experiences..

    Im really sorry that your struggling so hard...and you feel so alone... You sound really frustrated and very down... it okay to post here at times, but I think if you could start your own thread...You would then get the support you are so deserving of. If you go back to home page and press onto all posts, then welcome and orientation you can start a thread from their by pressing new thread..just give your new thread a name, then maybe you can copy and paste your post here onto your new thread or write out a new post..

    I will keep a look out for your new thread if you decide to start one...

    Please take care of yourself and stay safe...and I really hope you do start up your own thread.. so other can come in and talk and support you....good luck and I’ll keep an eye out for you...

    Kind thoughts .

    Grandy...


    3 people found this helpful
  10. Yva
    Yva avatar
    3 posts
    7 September 2018

    Always felt dumb and stupid, good for nothing and nothing I can do here.

    I stay and fight to keep moving for my son. I hate thinking about what would happen to him without me here.

    I worry for us both, everyday.

    I also know that I have family, that will feel the loss

    Im trying to make positive changes, but again worry if I can’t make them happen.

    1 person found this helpful
  11. Hope4tomorrow
    Hope4tomorrow avatar
    25 posts
    24 September 2018

    What keeps me alive? Sometimes, it's many, many things, a seemingly endless amount of things; i just see beauty in all that life has to offer... The crimson afternoon sun brushing everything a light golden amber, children giggling, animals, bushwalking through scenery that makes all my angst disolve for a while due to birds calling, bee's buzzing, wind rustling tree branches, the pain a 2nd sibling suicide would do to my already wounded parents and sister, fear of ceasing to exist, heck even through the cruelty of others because it reminds me that they have emotions (and hurt) and that that is what makes them human. Not robots but humans in all our glory for better or for worse.

    Then there's times like now where I wonder why I carry on. Sometimes it feels like even through surviving through so much over the years, that it's been for not enough return. I understand how selfish that this may sound, but only a comment like this is something that a person or people on this site could understand.

    I am grateful for aspects of my life even if I continually watch others achieve what I am unable to, to date. Even if our government doesnt want to acknowledge the life long issues that I've had/in the form of a pension as much as I hate to write it. I hate having the issues that I have. All I can do is have acceptance around it all. It doesn't fix things but it does allow me to breathe in once more. And again, then again. All the while, longing for the sound of a child laughing, that beam of afternoon light hitting the surrounds of an afternoon walk, laughter with friends, that fleeting moment of self-acceptance that comes and then leaves shortly after.

    My grandpa used to say to my mother " you know ______ ..., life is strange". His favourite philosopher was Voltaire. Not surprising considering these words. I have come to a place where I realise that they couldn't be truer, to me. ✌

    2 people found this helpful
  12. mmmiguess
    mmmiguess avatar
    6 posts
    24 September 2018

    What keeps me here is the fact I have some of the most amazing people counting on me. It's also the reason why I want to die. It keeps it all in balance. I crave death, but... in equal amounts people want me here. My friends would be fine without me as would my family. They just have a preference for me to be here. It's so painful just to exist. For me living is a sacrificial thing. It's altruistic. I hate living. More than anything I want to go. I know all these people love their lives and messing that up for them would be so very selfish.

    That's why I stay alive. I'm a character in their stories.

    2 people found this helpful
  13. Beno50
    Beno50 avatar
    3 posts
    28 September 2018 in reply to mmmiguess
    my son has kept me here, so far. but it is getting harder and harder. I have been starting to come up with a plan to take the pain away. I don't care about anyone else and what they will go through when I am gone, I just want to be with my dad.
  14. Ggrand
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Ggrand avatar
    9833 posts
    29 September 2018 in reply to Beno50

    Hello, Beno, mmmiguess, Hope4tomorrow, yva, and everyone..

    My story from 4days ago, I was sitting on the edge of a lookout with a beautiful view. I sat there for over an hour contemplating what I should do, I was hurting so very badly and wanted that hurt to go away, so I stood on a number of occasions and just looked at the trees, the birds flying around the blue sky with white puffy, fluffy clouds, looking at them changing shape, realising that every second things change they are never the same....Neither are we the same, our emotions change constantly... thats when I decided to ring Mental Health Helpline...

    I spoke to the very caring girl on their for over an hour, then decided that I couldn’t do what I set out to do because, that lovely caring girl would for the rest of her life be asking herself questions, and blaming herself....I couldn’t do that to her..It’s the same with our children, family and friends, the devastation of loosing you/ me the constant questions they will ask themselves, the constant blaming of themselves for not knowing how sick you are/were...please let them or someone know...

    No this not the way to end our pain, because our pain will continue to live with them. and that could cause them to do what we are/were thinking of doing....

    I believe that there is something around the corner, something better then know, I think we all should believe that..we all have hope in us, and hope is the strongest emotion that there is..So please find it, dig really deep inside yourselves and find it as I have, then use that hope to drag yourselves back up to seek out what is around that corner...I know that it is waiting for us to find it and it will be a better life then we have now...

    Come on try as hard as you all can go reach out and grab hold of my hands other peoples hands and let’s find it together, with this wonderful Beyond Blue forum and these absolutely wonderful, beautiful, caring and compassionate people here we will find it...

    Never give up..ever..

    Grandy....🕊 peace is out there lets all find it...


    7 people found this helpful
  15. Guest8901
    blueVoices member
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Guest8901 avatar
    1634 posts
    29 September 2018 in reply to Ggrand

    If it were not for the fact that I am responsible for a loved one's wellbeing, I would not be here. As sole carer for my seriously ill husband, I'm needed. When he goes, I dont know what I will have left.

    Grandy, what a great post. With my thoughts seemingly heading in this direction a lot lately, the timing of your post is very opportune. Reading your post has enabled me to see past my immediate pain. And to accept that, just maybe, there is a brighter future.

    Thank you Grandy, and also the other contributors to this thread.

    As hard as it seems sometimes, we should never give up, and always retain a thread of hope.

    Amanda 💕

    5 people found this helpful
  16. Squirrellesque
    Squirrellesque avatar
    48 posts
    29 September 2018

    Because somewhere along the line, I learned how to make people smile

    And when I remember how, I can't leave them, because they need me.

    And because I'm worth something. Because they're worth something to me.

    And all it takes? A smile. :)

    5 people found this helpful
  17. Jijifan
    Jijifan avatar
    16 posts
    29 September 2018 in reply to romantic_thi3f
    People (the "support" system) acted forcefully (with authority) and pretended they care, and kept me here. That was literally it. Other than for the principle of the thing, I don't even know why they bothered, really! In fact, I should be angry at them, and I was. .. I still am, in a way...

    Now I have a newfound perspective and appreciation for life that isn't helping me fit in any better than my previous state of mind had. I still don't see a meaning in living, but I don't have the courage now to end my life. I love my body, with all its faults (I mean that literally, as a living entity), but I feel that my mind just can't go on -- it's taken all that it can, and it's filled to the brim with all those experiences; it yearns for eternal rest.

    I guess the one thing that would be best, and my wish, is if I could give my life to save another young one, or many -- but not through science/medicine (stuff their industry and hidden agendas), rather naturally and directly.
    2 people found this helpful
  18. Geoff.F
    Geoff.F avatar
    8 posts
    7 October 2018
    The pain I would leave behind to those who care for me
    6 people found this helpful
  19. Boobella
    Boobella avatar
    11 posts
    13 October 2018 in reply to Dan-the-Downer
    What keeps me here? One thing. I don't want to destroy my daughter's life. So I wait. I wonder how old she needs to be to have no mother. I have no mother, by choice, not death, and have not had one since about the age of 25. But having no mother kills me, even the emotionally abusive one I had was better than none at all. So I guess no age is good to lose your mother. So I keep waiting.
    3 people found this helpful
  20. Dgf26
    Dgf26 avatar
    6 posts
    13 October 2018 in reply to romantic_thi3f
    I really don't know why I'm still here.... my safety plan is distinctly lacking in details. I have 2 small girls that would miss me but everyone and everything else would be fine without me. Struggle to find a reason every hour of every day and I'm tired of it. ( Jeez this stuff is hard to write)
    2 people found this helpful
  21. Flighty
    Flighty avatar
    8 posts
    13 October 2018 in reply to Boobella

    Hi Boobella,

    I lost my Mom to cancer at age 44 and it was devastating, even though I had 3 years to try process that she was terminal it didn't ease the pain when it happened.

    So yes, no age is right for losing a Mother. Just keep that in your thoughts and know you are NOT alone. I have days when the only thing that gets me through is my daughter and what it would do to her.

    Are you in therapy or getting help ?

    Hugs xx

    1 person found this helpful
  22. Flighty
    Flighty avatar
    8 posts
    13 October 2018 in reply to Dgf26

    They would miss you terribly and wouldn't understand and would blame themselves.

    Knowing that is what keeps me going, together with getting therapy and trying to understand the reasons.

    You are not alone, although we all feel that way at times xx

    3 people found this helpful
  23. KKR
    KKR avatar
    2 posts
    26 October 2018

    Exactly 10 years ago, at the age of 21 I survived an attempted suicide.

    I remember coming too only very briefly, under an extremely bright light, with a number of nurses and doctors standing over me, wires and tubes strewn across my body.

    When I eventually woke up my partner at the time was sitting on a chair next to the bed. His eyes lit up before he suddenly burst into tears. He called the nurse in who explained what had happened and what the next steps for rehabilitation were going to be. It was so very surreal. I was obligated to spend 5 days at the hospital under supervision until I was able to be assessed and released into the care of guardian.

    The nurse explained she had been in touch with my mother who wanted to speak with me as soon as i woke. She went away phoned my mother (who lives interstate) and brought a phone into me. Before I even had the phone to my ear i could hear my mother sobbing..i'll never forget her asking me "what did i do wrong, sweetheart?"..as if it were her fault, as if she'd failed me somehow.

    There are so many people who don't get the opportunity to share a story of survival, who don't experience a second chance. I'll never know why I was given a second chance..but I do know i'll never take life for granted, it really is is a gift ...and that's why i'm still here.

    8 people found this helpful
  24. Beetle
    Beetle avatar
    236 posts
    26 October 2018

    I love life
    I love my body
    However life handed me a lemon in form of a TBI
    And life got bloody hard and painful
    All chronic diseases suck
    The invisible ones suck most as I "look fine"
    Sometimes death seems the only solution. I nearly succeeded. I am glad I did not die.

    BecauseI still have a purpose

    I can still spend time looking at my beautiful garden.
    Who will look at it and water it if I'm dead?
    I can still spend time with friends, one at a time
    I still can be fun, I am still me, just a more muted me
    I am sure they would be disappointed if I am dead
    I can tell my story and encourage others
    I am alive to support others in their hard times
    If I am dead I cant speak up to enlighten doctors about TBI
    Babysteps
    Acknowledgement of the tiny things we can do:
    -taking a shower is all we achieved all day
    -feeding the cat and yourself
    -sending an email off and talk to your lawyer
    Pat yourself on the back as these tasks are a huge achievements for a person with a traumatic brain injury + depression and anxiety

    LOVE

    3 people found this helpful
  25. Indigoangel178
    Indigoangel178 avatar
    3 posts
    2 November 2018
    I want to die sometimes but then I remind myself that if I die, I will never find love. There is always a person in the universe that is destined to be with you, so if I die, they will be alone. That is what I use.
    4 people found this helpful
  26. Guest_3215
    Guest_3215 avatar
    2 posts
    4 November 2018 in reply to DanTheMan001

    Yeah. Have been trying to end life since I was 8. I tried when I turned 15, unfortunately people rescued me...

    'm now late 40's, and have never felt that I should have survived -- I am an anomoly: because I'm alive the world is unbalanced, and it's my fault

    1 person found this helpful
  27. Quercus
    Champion Alumni
    • Community champion volunteers who are not currently active on the forums.
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Quercus avatar
    3557 posts
    11 November 2018 in reply to Guest_3215

    Hi Guest_3215,

    Maybe the world needs to be unbalanced.

    Maybe you need to be here.

    Maybe there is a reason you survived.

    I am still here because I believe there HAS to be a reason for me to exist.

    It could be as simple as bringing my kids into the world and raising them as best I can.

    It could be that the people I love need me.

    I'll take whatever I can scrounge up and hold onto it.

    I hope you are safe too.

    Nat

    1 person found this helpful
  28. Daisy G
    Daisy G avatar
    6 posts
    17 November 2018
    My children. Every morning and I wake up and wish for the darkness to envelope me I have to force myself to look at my boys. They are more important than anything.
    5 people found this helpful
  29. IreneM
    blueVoices member
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    IreneM avatar
    315 posts
    22 November 2018 in reply to Guest_3215

    Hi Guest_3215

    It's nice to find someone else who also has had the same experience. Once my story comes out, you will see that I was always down as a child. I had suicidal thoughts right into Adulthood. But as you say different people have played a role in preventing it from happen quite a few times.

    But now I can say thank you to them if the opportunity arose. There is good in everyone, try to find it in you.

    1 person found this helpful
  30. IreneM
    blueVoices member
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    IreneM avatar
    315 posts
    22 November 2018

    Big thanks for this much needed post:

    My reasons include:

    * Being put down by other people;

    * The Supportive environment of this Forum;

    * Knowing that I am not the only one - reassurance;

    * By replying to posts by others I am helping them and in-turn myself.

    Is there a reason that I can say is greater than the rest? I don't think so.

    4 people found this helpful

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