What keeps me alive? Sometimes, it's many, many things, a seemingly endless amount of things; i just see beauty in all that life has to offer... The crimson afternoon sun brushing everything a light golden amber, children giggling, animals, bushwalking through scenery that makes all my angst disolve for a while due to birds calling, bee's buzzing, wind rustling tree branches, the pain a 2nd sibling suicide would do to my already wounded parents and sister, fear of ceasing to exist, heck even through the cruelty of others because it reminds me that they have emotions (and hurt) and that that is what makes them human. Not robots but humans in all our glory for better or for worse.
Then there's times like now where I wonder why I carry on. Sometimes it feels like even through surviving through so much over the years, that it's been for not enough return. I understand how selfish that this may sound, but only a comment like this is something that a person or people on this site could understand.
I am grateful for aspects of my life even if I continually watch others achieve what I am unable to, to date. Even if our government doesnt want to acknowledge the life long issues that I've had/in the form of a pension as much as I hate to write it. I hate having the issues that I have. All I can do is have acceptance around it all. It doesn't fix things but it does allow me to breathe in once more. And again, then again. All the while, longing for the sound of a child laughing, that beam of afternoon light hitting the surrounds of an afternoon walk, laughter with friends, that fleeting moment of self-acceptance that comes and then leaves shortly after.
My grandpa used to say to my mother " you know ______ ..., life is strange". His favourite philosopher was Voltaire. Not surprising considering these words. I have come to a place where I realise that they couldn't be truer, to me. ✌