Your posts are so heartfelt, especially your latest post. Depression's so heartbreaking. During the years I faced it, I would partly describe it as like slowly dying of a broken heart. When you speak of the night time, I think it's when you can feel the process at its most intense. Night time is so brutal to a sensitive soul. Night time is where the internal dialogue can be at its loudest, its most convincing.
If you don't mind me asking, what are some of the things in life you sense the most/are most sensitive to? You mention the pain related to your condition and brutal internal dialogue. I imagine you're also sensitive to high energy situations where people love to celebrate who they genuinely are, such as with the pride after party. There's nothing quite like the freedom to celebrate and express who you naturally are. To not feel harsh judgement, to not feel the suppression of self, to not feel the need to please those who we're sick of trying to please is an incredible feeling. There's nothing quite like the freedom to think like our self, to feel like our self and behave like our self. The energy it can take to act like someone other than our self can prove thoroughly exhausting at times.
You mentioned earlier how disability and mental health is a topic that's not really talked about. Do you get a sense that people don't want to really hear about it, like it doesn't suit them to hear about it? Would you like to express yourself here? Would you actually like to give yourself the freedom to have a massive vent? If that's what you feel you want to do, go for it. That kind of energy's better out than in I say.
Wondering what led you to give yourself the freedom to express yourself as trans and bisexual. I imagine this must have been far from easy, given the nature of some people (to judge and criticise). Was it a matter of you just not being able to continue toleratating suppressing this side of yourself, your natural side? Was it a long and painful journey, to get to that point, or was it a sudden revelation, creating a shorter journey? No need to answer if you don't wish to. I think there's a kind of energy we feel when we're expressing our natural self, therefor when we're acting like anyone other than our natural self, you can miss that energy, that feeling. What are a couple of the things that bring you to life? Personally, I can come to life through joy or anger. Either are a form of excitement (of mind, body and soul).