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Forums / Suicidal thoughts and self-harm / The thoughts are strong

Topic: The thoughts are strong

  1. therising
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    therising avatar
    2702 posts
    2 May 2021 in reply to Kitty88

    Hi Kitty88

    If you don't mind me asking, what are some of the thoughts that come to mind, the ones that are torturing you?

  2. Kitty88
    Kitty88 avatar
    29 posts
    29 May 2021
    Things have been really hard. 2 months ago I was hospitalized and told I had psychotic depression but when I got out I found out I was pregnant and stopped all my meds, I didn't want to hurt my baby. 3 weeks ago I found out I lost the baby, it pushed me to breaking point and I went to take my life but was stopped by police, I ended up being put back in hospital again for psychosis but I couldn't handle it, I ended up running away. I was missing for a week then went to police and was assessed and sent home. I feel like noone is understanding me and feel quite alone. I feel that I don't have a purpose here, that I'm not cut out for this life. I have been fighting for so long, that I am exhausted, I can't win this fight it just never ends. It is so hard, I give up but I'm torn.. I don't know what to do anymore, I just want it all to stop
  3. Sophie_M
    Community Moderator
    • Works for beyondblue moderating these forums
    Sophie_M avatar
    6622 posts
    29 May 2021 in reply to Kitty88
    Dear Kitty88

    We are so sorry to hear about the loss of your baby and about how hard things have been for you recently. We're really glad you've taken the time to post how you're feeling on our forum, and we hope that the support from members brings you some comfort and helps you to feel even slightly better.

    We're wondering if you're currently engaged with professional support... if you don't and would like some assistance in this area, please do not hesitate to contact our support service who can provide you with some referrals. They are available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport 

    If things become more overwhelming for you in terms of your suicidal ideation, please do not hesitate to contact Lifeline (13 11 14), Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467), your local CAT team (see more info here: https://www.healthdirect.gov.au/crisis-management) or emergency services (000). 

    Please continue to post here as you see fit. We are here to support you and 'sit' (virtually) with you during this challenging time.
  4. Kitty88
    Kitty88 avatar
    29 posts
    29 May 2021 in reply to Sophie_M

    Things have been really hard. The CAT team don't help me, they never really have.

    I have a psychologist and psychiatrist but lately it feels they and everyone else don't understand. I feel like everyone hates me and will benefit from me not being here anymore. I feel like noone can really help me anymore, I'm just to screwed up for this world, I don't belong anywhere, noone understands me

  5. therising
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    therising avatar
    2702 posts
    30 May 2021 in reply to Kitty88

    Hi Kitty88

    I can feel the urgency and desperation in your words and I so wish I was there with you.

    My heart goes out to you regarding your loss. I imagine the people around you aren't fully addressing such a deeply depressing event. A depressing event within depression can definitely feel like you're being fast tracked to the very depths. From my own experience, it became a matter of just when you thought you couldn't become anymore down, you find yourself at a whole new unexpected level. I had 2 miscarriages while I was in my depression. When no one was making any difference to me, I found myself opening my mind to what could make a difference. What came to mind was 'Educate yourself'. I went to my local library and borrowed 2 books, one on the biology of miscarriage (why it happens and why you shouldn't blame yourself for nature doing what it does) and the 2nd related to the experiences, the emotions and the grief, shared by other women. If I had have listened to the people around me who said 'Why are you obsessing and reading so much, you should be over it by now', Grrrr, I don't believe I would have healed as well as I did. While I was trying to make sense of it all others simply told me, in a number or ways, to ignore my need to make sense of it.

    While ignorance is bliss in some cases, in other cases ignoring our deep need to make sense of everything can lead us to a state of pure torture. I can't help but wonder whether the volume is being ramped up, regarding what comes to mind, because what comes to mind is leading you to question your thoughts and others more. Something I find helpful comes down to the old idea of an angel on one shoulder and a devil on the other. 'Who is whispering in my ear?' becomes the question.

    If what comes to mind is 'You're hopeless. You have no right to be in this world. Everyone hates you', I know who that is.

    If what comes to mind is 'That person is not listening to you, you need to speak louder or even scream at them' or 'No one is making any difference, you need to stop looking to these people and find those who will make a positive difference', I can identify who that is.

    If what comes to mind is 'No one is truly listening to you', I believe that would be your little angel. If the advice is 'Start looking outside the square for a difference because everyone inside the square is depressing', try Googling 'Holistic Health Practitioner' and all they offer, then ask yourself 'Does this feel like the way to go?'.

    :)

  6. Kitty88
    Kitty88 avatar
    29 posts
    8 June 2021 in reply to Kitty88
    With everything going on and not being able to catch a break, I feel I'm beyond breaking point. I feel numb but broken at the same time, I feel so alone in this world, I don't belong here, noone understands me! Sometimes people just get to a point where enough is enough they can't take it no more, I feel I am at my point, this is not a life I'm living, it's hell and there is no way out of it
  7. therising
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    therising avatar
    2702 posts
    8 June 2021 in reply to Kitty88

    Hi Kitty88

    What would you want people to understand about you the most? Could it be about understanding how and why you feel so much so deeply, more than most people? Do you believe if people got a true sense of the ways in which you feel, they'd come to understand how incredibly lost and alone you feel right now?

    Do you feel that you're not around enough sensitive people? If you were given the chance to gather sensitive people around you, what traits would you want them to have? Can you imagine what traits would make a difference for you? Can you imagine how they would they raise you? I can relate to how impossible it can feel to imagine anything other than sufferance while in the depths of depression. Even if you imagine the simplest thing, such as the trait of listening carefully. Has anyone ever listened to you carefully before?

  8. Kitty88
    Kitty88 avatar
    29 posts
    14 August 2021 in reply to Kitty88

    Things are tough.. I've been dealing with psychosis for months now, it's exhausting and scary, I don't know who or what to believe anymore. I had a miscarriage 2months ago, it hurts but it's hard because I'm so confused around the facts of what happened, I don't know what to believe, I think one thing but I'm told another, who do you believe?

    The voices and thoughts have been really strong again, I can't catch a break. I've tried, I really have. They will win! I ended up caving and self harming, I need a break before it kills me

  9. Kitty88
    Kitty88 avatar
    29 posts
    14 August 2021 in reply to Kitty88
    My head is going crazy, I don't know what to do anymore. Do you cave to the voices and leave this world or do you stay and continue to suffer? I just want it to stop, I need a break!
  10. Sophie_M
    Community Moderator
    • Works for beyondblue moderating these forums
    Sophie_M avatar
    6622 posts
    14 August 2021 in reply to Kitty88
    Dear Kitty88,
    We’re so grateful to have you reach out to our community this morning and are so sorry to hear everything you have going on at the moment. Times like this can definitely get overwhelming . We hope that you find our forums to be a safe and supportive space to talk through your thoughts and feelings. Our community is here for you. 

    We hope you know that there is always help available to you, whether it's from our professional mental health counsellors Beyond Blue (available 24/7/365 on 1300 22 4636) or our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).
    Keep checking back in with us whenever you feel up to it. 
     
  11. Sophie_M
    Community Moderator
    • Works for beyondblue moderating these forums
    Sophie_M avatar
    6622 posts
    14 August 2021 in reply to Kitty88
    Hey Kitty88, 

    Thanks for reaching out this afternoon,

    We're concerned to hear you've been hearing voices and how badly they've been affecting you. We're also very sorry to hear you've experienced a miscarriage. We can imagine how hurtful this news must've been to receive. You've mentioned feeling confused and not knowing who to trust concerning your miscarriage, could you tell us what you mean by this? 

    We'd really urge you to get in contact the Beyond Blue Support Service, which is available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport. One of our friendly counsellors will be able to talk through these feelings with you and can offer support, advice and referrals. 
     
  12. Kitty88
    Kitty88 avatar
    29 posts
    14 August 2021 in reply to Sophie_M
    Thanks but it's to much now, I've lost this fight, they win!
  13. Sophie_M
    Community Moderator
    • Works for beyondblue moderating these forums
    Sophie_M avatar
    6622 posts
    14 August 2021 in reply to Kitty88
    Dear Kitty88,

    We’re so grateful to have you reach out to our community this morning and are so sorry to hear everything you have going on at the moment. Times like this can definitely get overwhelming . We hope that you find our forums to be a safe and supportive space to talk through your thoughts and feelings. Our community is here for you. 

    Our Support Service is trying to reach out to you via email as we're worried about you. 
    We hope you know that there is always help available to you, whether it's from our professional mental health counsellors Beyond Blue (available 24/7/365 on 1300 22 4636) or our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).
    Keep checking back in with us whenever you feel up to it. 
  14. Kitty88
    Kitty88 avatar
    29 posts
    14 August 2021 in reply to Sophie_M
    Thanks for your email/call but I can't do it... I give up! I've had enough it's to hard now. They win, they really do. Sorry
  15. Sophie_M
    Community Moderator
    • Works for beyondblue moderating these forums
    Sophie_M avatar
    6622 posts
    14 August 2021 in reply to Kitty88
    Dear Kitty88,

    We’re so grateful to have you reach out to our community this morning and are so sorry to hear everything you have going on at the moment. Times like this can definitely get overwhelming . We hope that you find our forums to be a safe and supportive space to talk through your thoughts and feelings. Our community is here for you. 

    Our Support Service is trying to reach out to you via email as we're worried about you. 
    We hope you know that there is always help available to you, whether it's from our professional mental health counsellors Beyond Blue (available 24/7/365 on 1300 22 4636) or our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).
    Keep checking back in with us whenever you feel up to it. 
  16. therising
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    therising avatar
    2702 posts
    15 August 2021 in reply to Kitty88

    Hi Kitty88

    Depression without a break is, I believe, the worst kind of depression of all. It wears you down, constantly. It doesn't just wear you down, it brings you down in so many ways. From my experience, in the past, you can start off basically depressed which can then graduate further into a deeper part of the depression. Beyond that are even more levels. There is no level lower than the absolute depths. If you imagine depression as 'a depression' or a hole, it's the deepest and darkest part that I'm talking about. I recall it. When people talk about 'Seeing the light at the end of the tunnel', imagine that tunnel isn't a horizontal one but a vertical one. You look up and because you're so far down, you just can't see the light. I remember that moment for me, when the light had seemingly gone, which is why my eyes well up when I sense how much you're suffering.

    I can recall how lonely it was down there but what I didn't realise was the fact that I had others down there with me at the time. There were thousands of people all suffering quietly in the same depths as myself, at the same time. We all felt alone but we were together in our suffering, in some ways. I hate how lonely depression can feel. It's cruel illusion which thousands around the world can all be suffering through at the same time, together.

    I wonder whether you've ever considered finding a group of people who can relate to the depths. These are people who can relate to the challenges of a lack of light, pure exhaustion at times, mind altering absolutely brutal inner dialogue and possibly even physical pain and so on. Would members of such a group have something to offer that nobody else has offered before? It's kind of like while you have everyone else saying to you 'Look for the light at the end of the tunnel', your support group can be saying, in certain ways 'Don't worry about looking for the light, we'll show you how to navigate the dark, until a bit of light comes to you naturally perhaps, without you having to work so hard to find it'.

    It's just a suggestion. What works for one may not work for another. Personally, it was entering group therapy which led me out of more than 15 years in depression. Such a relief to finally find others navigating the darkness that can come with depression. Every session was a break from feeling the depression. Every session instead offered a chance for us to fully and honestly be our self, venting about how completely shi**y life can be at times.

  17. geoff
    Life Member
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    geoff avatar
    16222 posts
    15 August 2021 in reply to Kitty88

    Hello Kitty, I am so sorry for what's happened and how/what you are thinking may be trigger points where you have no solution to, but you can't face them all at once, and each one may definitely change from the situation you're in today, than where you were yesterday and can't necessarily be compared, although they may linger from one to another and produce another trigger you weren't aware of before.

    Try and write them down and from each one have a number of different options branching out, in other words, trigger one may have 4 or 5 different options branching out from it, and they may be good and/or bad ways you can research or find ways to overcome to cope with them.

    Once you are able to handle 1 branch then cross it out, you don't want to keep looking at it and don't want to be reminded of what it says.

    I understand it may reappear, that's not your fault.

    My best thoughts.

    Geoff.

  18. therising
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    therising avatar
    2702 posts
    15 August 2021 in reply to Kitty88

    Hi Kitty

    Forgot to ask whether your physical pain management is effective. It's just about impossible to be experiencing chronic long term pain and not experience depression with it. When pain is all you can focus on, it doesn't leave room for much else.

  19. Kitty88
    Kitty88 avatar
    29 posts
    4 September 2021 in reply to Kitty88
    It's to much, between losing a baby and now my dad suddenly I can't win. Mentally I'm struggling, the psychosis is becoming bad again. I can't do anything anymore, all I do is lay in bed and drink. I've been self-harming excessively just to try and cope but I'm losing this battle, it's to much. I think these demons have finally won!
  20. Sophie_M
    Community Moderator
    • Works for beyondblue moderating these forums
    Sophie_M avatar
    6622 posts
    4 September 2021 in reply to Kitty88
    Hey Kitty88,

    Thanks for reaching out this afternoon,

    We are so sorry to hear what you're going through at the moment. We acknowledge how difficult it must be to manage and process such losses. It's so important that you've reached out for support and we hope our community can talk these feelings through with you. 

    Our Support Service is also trying to reach out to you via email as we are worried about you.

    Have you considered speaking with Griefline - 1300 845 745? GriefLine provides counselling support services free of charge to individuals who are experiencing loss and grief. We hope you know that there is always help available to you, whether it's from our professional mental health counsellors Beyond Blue (available 24/7/365 on 1300 22 4636) or our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).

    Please check-in and let us know how you are whenever you feel up to it.


     
  21. Sophie_M
    Community Moderator
    • Works for beyondblue moderating these forums
    Sophie_M avatar
    6622 posts
    25 September 2021 in reply to Kitty88
    Dear Kitty88,

    We’re so grateful to have you reach out to our community this morning and are so sorry to hear everything you have going on at the moment. Times like this can definitely get overwhelming . We hope that you find our forums to be a safe and supportive space to talk through your thoughts and feelings. Our community is here for you. 

    Our Support Service is trying to reach out to you via email as we're worried about you. 
    We hope you know that there is always help available to you, whether it's from our professional mental health counsellors Beyond Blue (available 24/7/365 on 1300 22 4636) or our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).
    Keep checking back in with us whenever you feel up to it. 
     
     

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