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Forums / Suicidal thoughts and self-harm / Thinking about death.... all the time...

Topic: Thinking about death.... all the time...

  1. Sleepy21
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    24 December 2020

    Hi all

    I've been struggling for 3 weeks with suicidal thoughts

    My new GP is amazing

    He tells me to think of suicidal thoughts as a symptom maybe a solution

    Could he be right?

    Today he assigned someone to give me a call to check in on my safety. I don't think that will happen. I've not received the call.
    Small things like this lead to rage, hurt and fear for me.

    And so I am left to deal with the thoughts alone.

    7 people found this helpful
  2. Sophie_M
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    24 December 2020 in reply to Sleepy21
    Hey Sleepy21,

    We're so sorry to hear that you've been struggling with these intense thoughts for the past 3 weeks, but please know that our community are here to offer as much support and advice as you need through this particularly difficult time. We can hear how frustrated and hurt you must be feeling as you have not yet received a call, but please know that support is always available if you'd like to talk these feelings through. You never have to deal with these thoughts on your own Sleepy21. If you feel up to it, we'd really encourage you to reach out to the understanding counsellors at our Support Service, who are always here for you- 24/7 on 1300 22 4636 (or also through Webchat 1pm-12am AEST at: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport). Our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) and Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467) are also available 24/7, as often as you need, when these feelings are becoming too much to cope with.

    You're not alone in this, and we hope that you can find some comfort from the kindness and support from your friends here on the forums. 

     
    2 people found this helpful
  3. Matchy69
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    24 December 2020 in reply to Sleepy21
    Hi Sleepy I am sorry you are having those thoughts.I have to had those thought for many years.I don't think I would ever have the courage to act on them I am glad you have a good GP.I hope they do follow through and check up on you like they said.You have been a great help to many on here while struggling yourself.Has anything in particular triggered you in the last 3 weeks for you to have these thoughts?
    We are here on these forums to listen.
    Take care,
    Mark.
    4 people found this helpful
  4. sunnyl20
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    24 December 2020 in reply to Sleepy21

    Hey Sleepy21,

    I'm sorry to hear you have been struggling so much. Those kind of thoughts can be really difficult to cope with, especially if you don't feel like you can talk about them with anyone. They can be so overwhelming and intrusive. It can feel all-consuming and out of control. I am really glad that you have been able to see your GP though - it sounds like he has been very supportive and offered a helpful perspective for you to think about. Do you have a follow up appointment planned with him?

    I'm sorry that small things are causing you to feel so much hurt... sometimes things accumulate and it doesn't take much to push you over the edge. You're not in alone in feeling that, but yeah it can feel awful. I don't know what the solution is, but it won't always feel like that.

    Can you identify any stressors that are causing the harmful thoughts? It can help knowing your triggers. Sometimes writing your thoughts out can help, whether that is typing on a word document or writing on a piece of paper, I don't know whether you have done this before, and it may sound a bit silly, but it can help in organising your thoughts somewhat, externalising them, getting them out of your head and onto the page and seeing them in a different way.

    Please know that we are here to listen. Take care and please reach out as and when you feel up to it.

    2 people found this helpful
  5. Sleepy21
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    24 December 2020 in reply to Matchy69

    Hi Mark,

    I'm sorry you have had those thoughts too. i hope you have found ways to feel not affected by them

    a friend called the triage coz they were worried about me as i mentioned something about suicide

    so today i got a call from them which was... interesting.

    I think something has triggered it... i have had a recent interaction with my family who I normally don't speak to. It was upsetting.

    I still didn't get the call from the gp who does check-ins. I tried to call him, my friend said to call him lots lol.

    He isn't as good as the other one. Thank you Mark for caring.

    1 person found this helpful
  6. Truc
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    24 December 2020 in reply to Sleepy21

    Hi...

    I used to think all the time about being death, then somehow I realized that is it gonna help me to solve a problem, hmm actually no, it actually makes me feel guilty more, I do not know about your situation so I just share mine it would be more credible to me and may be to you, why do I feel guilty ? to be an university student is hard to me, I do not have enough money to support myself and pay tuition at the same time, however, luckily my parents helped me out, as I am over 18 years old now of course, I feel like I had owned my parents a lot, from the time I was born till now still somehow have to rely on them, those are enough motivation for me to live to fulfill my responsibilty to pay them back, I know they do not want my money back, but it motivated me, and actually I do not feel right if I choose to die when I still also have other responsibilites and debt not just from my parents but also my friends and people who helped me out when I was depressed and struggled. sometimes, when I have time alone and recalled back there is not just people around me but also people who saved my life when I was drowned when I was a kid, to be honest I dont remember who that is but just heard from my parents , but to think hmm... they saved me, now I choose to die, then their effort is wasted, I do not want it, so I choose to live to improve and maybe someday, I can pay them back or at least I can see them and say thank you, those things I have not finished yet, so I am still trying to do so. I hope it is helpful

    4 people found this helpful
  7. Sleepy21
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    24 December 2020 in reply to sunnyl20

    Hey Sunnl20

    Sorry I couldn't write earlier I've had a little bit of a streesful day with calls from the triage
    How are you?
    I went to the park today and wrote to clear my head and before shopping today I wrote a list of things which helped me

    I like the idea of writing. I like it a lot, thank you

    I have a follow up apt with the GP on the first day he's back from leave

    No one called me today from the clinic like he said they would. It made me sad and over everything. But I guess this is just what happens sometimes.

    2 people found this helpful
  8. Hanna3
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    24 December 2020 in reply to Sleepy21

    Hi Sleepy,

    Being estranged from your family makes everything harder - I'm estranged from my family, I haven't seen them i years, it makes things tough.

    Christmas doesn't help and I know you've been feeling down for a while now. I used to find just telling myself I'd hang on for another minute, and another minute, would help when I've been really feeling bad.

    I just don't want you to feel so alone - remember there are people here who care about you. You've been so kind and friendly on the forums... so hang in there, things will improve even if it's only inch by inch!

    Things will pick up Sleepy. For the time being all you have to do is hang on. Just know that you are not as totally alone as you are feeling... hugs Sleepy.

    2 people found this helpful
  9. Hanna3
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    24 December 2020 in reply to Sleepy21
    Please do know that you are valuable and valued, Sleepy.
    2 people found this helpful
  10. white knight
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    24 December 2020 in reply to Sleepy21
    Hi Sleepy

    Just an idea, as you like writing perhaps if you put in the search box "poetry corner put your poems here" you'll get a lot of pleasure reading those.

    Death has haunted man since he/she first had inspiration and intelligence. As a person that always sees a positive in a negative, being suicidal or thoughts (been there ) places us in a highly emotional state. It's a time I wrote my best poetry. This state is a tough place but writing counters it, it's a way of draining the clouds...

    TonyWK









    2 people found this helpful
  11. Sleepy21
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    24 December 2020

    Thank you so much for replying
    Thanks Hanna for sharing and I'm so sorry you have had to hang on minute by minute also

    It is something i'm doing also

    UPDATE:

    Finally got my check-in call at 10:42pm from a very busy and drained doctor. The MH system sometimes is so frustrating. I'm happy he called but omg....nearly 11pm?

    3 people found this helpful
  12. Matchy69
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    25 December 2020 in reply to Sleepy21
    Hi Sleepy I am glad someone rung you finally.It was a bit late but at least they did ring.I thought the text I had from my ex-wife after 9 pm was late.It is for me I am usually asleep by 7 and awake at 2am yet I wake up so tired and by lunch time I can't do anything.
    I have various things that happen to me during the day that trigger me and I don't realise at the time that it will trigger me but later on effects me and can have horrible nightmares.I know what it is like having family family that doesn't talk to you.My family the little I have left rarely talks to me and I tried to ring my brother before I went in for my surgery and never returned my calls so I have given up on him.
    Take care,
    Mark.
    3 people found this helpful
  13. ecomama
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    25 December 2020 in reply to Sleepy21

    Hey Sleepy

    Hugs.

    It's so hard having these thoughts.

    I know the feeling. Maybe it was a lure, an "escape" for me at the time. I don't really know.

    But I think I know WHY now. Exhaustion. Abuse. Horrible ppl in my life and home.
    Being forced to go NC with "important" ppl. Family in there too.

    I wish I had all the answers and could put them all in a box and gift them to you.

    You mean alot to me and to so many people on the forums you've supported with your kindness and compassion.

    That box with all the answers to help you will be one of your own making, over time, one day you'll know all that helped you.

    For now it seems never ending and exhausting because it is.

    Please know you're never really alone.
    That there are people here who've trodden the same path.
    And recovered.

    It may not sound like anything right now to you, I understand.
    But loving yourself, showing the same compassion to yourself that you show others, being your own best friend and treating yourself is part of the solution.

    Love always
    EM

    6 people found this helpful
  14. Sleepy21
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    25 December 2020 in reply to white knight

    Hi Tony

    I"m sorry you had that horrible feeling too and I know it is hard.
    You were able to make something beatiful out of it with poetry

    I have started recently carrying a notebook around with me and jotting things down, and they are becoming poems.
    Sometmes when the poem forms I get anxious and can't continue it - so they are very short right now.
    But every so often I'm writing freely and expressing more and more of what i'm going through.

    I also draw and write down plans for the day if I feel overwhelmed.
    I will check out the poems here

    2 people found this helpful
  15. white knight
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    25 December 2020 in reply to Sleepy21
    Hi EM

    You are so kind EM. We wish we could spread it far and wide.

    Sleepy, your attitude is remarkable. You listen, give things a go and have a heart. Amazing person.

    Poetry doesn't need to rhyme, make sense to others etc, it can be really personal. It can be used as a gift.

    E.g. several years ago I wrote a poem to a woman 13 years my senior. It ended with these words

    "You are too young toy be my mother,
    But you'll always be a mum to me...."

    Or the shortest poem I've written

    PETALS OF POWER

    Rushing here and there you'll get there soon
    But you haven't lived, if you haven't seen a flower bloom...

    I hope we here can provide you with inspiration, help you find direction, meaning, purpose and above all...care.

    TonyWK
    3 people found this helpful
  16. Sleepy21
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    25 December 2020 in reply to Matchy69

    hi Mark - i can understand the frustation of having someone call you later than u are usually awake

    I hope you're sleeping okay... it is hard to feel tired during the day at different times.... i have that too.

    I appreciate you writing and making me feel less alone.
    You're right that it is good that he called me. I was rejected from seeing a professional I wanted to see with no real reason... to help with my MH. I thought I would be accepted and get an appointment but they rejected me. So the gp sent another referral but he said that doctor is also very busy and might reject it. But at least he sent something.


    They have recommended I get out of the house very early in the morning to get some sunlight as they think it will regulate my sleep. Do u get sun in the mornings? i hope it helps
    2 people found this helpful
  17. Hanna3
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    25 December 2020 in reply to Sleepy21

    Hi Sleepy,

    Yep sunlight helps with sleep as it helps your body produce serotonin, which is vital for good sleep.

    Glad to see you are hanging in there, good on you. Take care dear lady we do care about you. Hugs.

  18. Delectable
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    25 December 2020 in reply to Sleepy21

    Hello Sleepy, I’m sorry that you’re struggling, I myself removed myself from my situation as I was scared of staying home, I just completed a 16km walk along the beach picking up shells and clambering up cliffs, trying to avoid eye contact with people...

    You’ve been very kind to me and I hope in return people show you how much of an amazing human being you are...I hope others can help you in this difficult time for you, take care.

    4 people found this helpful
  19. Sleepy21
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    25 December 2020 in reply to white knight

    Hi Tony

    thank you i do give things a go which works out from time to time...

    i love those poems... petals of power is so nice

    i used to write quite frequently but lately it's a bit triggering. i want to, though.

    i've tried to get some space today...i was people pleasing a bit with some friends checking in on me but at the moment i can only deal with a few ppl i feel close to. Because I don't like to hide that i've been suicidal and yet with acquiantances of course i have to. That's why it's nice to come here. I feel okay to write here

    4 people found this helpful
  20. golden82
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    25 December 2020 in reply to Sleepy21

    Hi Sleepy and everyone,

    Sleepy - I am sorry to find this thread of yours - I hope you are okay. As you can tell from all the kind messages of support you have all of us in your corner. I have been reading some of the threads and seen the self care one where you are absolutely smashing it! Amazing! I lay in bed reading and think gee, I really should do some of that self care stuff...

    But unfortunately it is a rough time for me with Xmas alone again - I have been in bed - just waiting for it to pass. Then hopefully some self care tomorrow or maybe in the new year? But staying in bed was self care I suppose today - as it served to avoid the Xmas world hitting me in my lonely face.

    Delectable - Hello and good on you for that beach walk today - that was a plan of mine too - but too much sadness. Hopefully next year. I have read a bit of your thread too and things seem pretty tough for you - so double good on you for doing that walk. Inspiring for me.

    Take care everyone.

    5 people found this helpful
  21. Delectable
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    25 December 2020 in reply to golden82

    Thank you Golden, I find it best to go early in the morning when there is few about, most people smile but there is the odd person that will look down on you...if I feel uncomfortable I just focus on something like plants or shells to avoid feeling bad about myself. We as humans always remember the negative experiences as to the positive ones, by lunch there was too many people for me so I return to air bnb...may those of you wanting exercise try to do it in the mornings before you talk yourself out of it.

    5 people found this helpful
  22. Sleepy21
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    25 December 2020 in reply to ecomama

    hi Em sorry i couldn't write earlier... was all bit frantic here but settled down now

    the box of tools is a precious one

    they used to always say to me that you are doing ur best and that is enough but it is only recently that i'm even beginning to see that

    and not to self-blame if things don't work

    i'm glad ur around here and value ur input always

    3 people found this helpful
  23. ecomama
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    26 December 2020 in reply to Sleepy21

    Dearest Sleepy precious girl, the one thing you never have to do is apologise to me!

    It's ALL GOOD.

    Yeah, I see what they're saying with "whatever you've done, it's enough".

    And Sleepy YOU ARE ENOUGH.

    I know it's triggering to recall but looking back at the path of your life, YOU HAVE ROCKED THIS!

    Shoulder to shoulder we'll weather the path along this road called life. You have so many people that care about you very deeply here. And I know others are caring about you IRL too.

    Some times, and for so many of us here, so much of our lives has been impacted by damaging people. But I can see you thinking about where to draw the line of your boundaries and WHOM to draw those lines with.

    You're one smart cookie lol you know that!
    You soak in SO much learning.
    You SEEK so much more learning.
    This is the work you're doing with Counsellors, psychs, groups and I'M SO PROUD OF YOU!

    You ARE working this out!

    It's really REALLY hard but you are doing it!

    Cheeses Sleepy I spent so many years getting help, still am and I NEED to. That's okay too!
    I was told by the psych at work, whom is a sweet young lady, that I'll need psychological support for the rest of my life.
    Tbh this shocked me at the time.
    But I took it on and I'm so grateful to her for having the courage to say that to me!

    I will see my Counsellor until she retires THEN get another one, probably won't like the first 20 lol but I will PERSIST again, just as you are persisting.

    This is the nature of "managing" C-PTSD and if that's all I have to do to get / stay mentally well after everything else I've done, then whatevs, throw it on the pile lol.

    For me "recovery" will be for the rest of my life. I accept that now.

    I can still make plans, have fun (yah FUN lol), make connections, have friends, maybe even make new friends IDK and IDC either. Work, enjoy life - not 100% of the time but who does right?

    Just For Today I've decided to be OK.

    Sleepy you are valued also. I draw strength from those who've posted their support on my thread during my extreme stress times.

    You have been a never ending giver of support to me. You mean so much to me. Don't make me cry lol.

    You can take the love offered to you here as a great big group hug!

    EMxxxx

    2 people found this helpful
  24. RoopK
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    26 December 2020 in reply to Sleepy21
    I also feel the same thinking about killing myself for like a week
    2 people found this helpful
  25. Sophie_M
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    26 December 2020 in reply to RoopK
    Welcome to the Beyond Blue forums RoopK, We understand it can be tough to post for the first time, so we are grateful you decided to reach out. We're so sorry to hear that you've been feeling suicidal for the past week. We have sent you a private message to offer some extra support.

    We would strongly recommend that you get in touch with Kids Helpline - https://kidshelpline.com.au/. It might help to talk it out whenever you're feeling overwhelmed. Kids Helpline counsellors can be contacted 24/7 by young people 25 and under via telephone and also via webchat if you go through the website provided.
    Headspace is another organisation we would recommend, they are specifically for young people aged 12-25 and they offer a wide range of services including counselling and group programs. They also have a group chat on their webpage - https://headspace.org.au/ Please check in and let us know how you are whenever you feel up to it.
     
    1 person found this helpful
  26. monkey_magic
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    26 December 2020 in reply to Sleepy21
    Hi Sleepy,

    Just wondering how your Christmas was and whether you have new year's plans. It always helps to have things to look forward to.

    Life doesn't always go to plan but there's lots we can do to feel better.

    I had major suicidal ideation on the psychiatric drugs but now that I'm off them and drinking lots of home made whole fruit/ veg juice I'm much better.

    Stay hopeful. as situations and life are always changing.

    It must be a relief to be out of lockdown.

    Sending U strength to get through your day.

    💪
    2 people found this helpful
  27. Matchy69
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    26 December 2020 in reply to RoopK
    Hi RoopK welcome to the forums and for the brave first post.Is their anything triggering your thoughts you are having?This is a caring non judgemental place to post with people listening to you.
    Take care,
    Mark
    4 people found this helpful
  28. Delectable
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    364 posts
    26 December 2020

    For those in Victoria there is free travel on New Years Eve, even if you go somewhere for the day and back to get out the house, check with other states to see if your state offers something similar!

    3 people found this helpful
  29. Sleepy21
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    26 December 2020 in reply to Delectable

    Hi Delectable

    Thank u for sharing how you kept safe

    I'm really sorry that you also felt scared to be at home over this time. I know it can be such a hard time of year for so many ppl.

    There are less ways to get support and it's harder when family is not there. i think u did an awesome job taking care of urself by getting out on the beach and i hope it was soothing for u

    3 people found this helpful
  30. ecomama
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    26 December 2020 in reply to Sleepy21

    Hey Sleepy

    How are you doing today?

    EMxxxx

    1 person found this helpful

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