I just wanted to vent a bit. I have lots of thoughts but no plans of action. Like on the surface I am doing okay, I have a wonderful partner, we have a safe apartment, we can pay our bills and have 2 cats. But I dont have a job, im studying something that is really challenging and takes up a lot of my time. I cannot sleep at night but during the day I sleep so much (my class is in the evening 3 nights a week) and I just eat. I always feel unwell, whether it be a headache, period pain, some sort of neck or back pain, stomach issues or the onset of a cold. And if its not physical, something within my social life or whatever happens and it sends me back to bed.
I have no motivation and I am stuck in a loop. Unfortunately I have run out of cash and cannot afford to see my psych/psychiatrist until I finish my course and get a job. I am about 5 homework assignments behind in my course and finding it really challenging. Tonight I had to leave my class early because my instructor started making jokes about strippers and I found it offensive. (I dont like humor that punches down) and the other people in my class said I didnt need to get offended. But i did.
I feel that everything would be better if I didnt exist anymore. My partner wouldnt have to look after me when they come home from work and deal with the fact that I never clean and they wouldnt have to support me. I wouldnt have any money stress anymore. I feel like a burden on a LOT of people and constantly seeking validation from people. I always wonder what they would feel if I wasnt around anymore because they always make me feel awful, so in a way I want them to have guilt for not giving me what I want.
I assure you that I am safe though, I have the thoughts but no action plan. I love my partner very much, but I feel like he could do better than me. There is a high chance that we wont be able to have kids as well and that is playing on my mind, but I push it to the back because I am studying at the moment.
Thank you for reading.