Oh my heart breaks for you. Loss is never easy at the best of times. And please dont minimise your pain in thinking other have it worse. Because pain is relevant to the person. Pain is pain for all who experience it.
What you have done in msging her is not at all pathetic. It is who you are and how you feel in the moment. Never pathetic. What tou have done is poured your heart out and thats a great quality to have. Sadly many take advantage of such qualities. But again, u are NOT pathetic.
Yes I too have those days like, Doh, why did I wake up for?! ...and then promptly tell the world to shoosh and go back to sleep (when possible ofcourse).
But the saying it will get worse before it gets better is very true to grief and loss. To be able to get a better handle on the emotions we must first experience them fully and learn how to better handle these emotions. So the next time we experience it (which we hope doesnt happen) its an easier and smoother journey back to happy/contentment.
Yes its hard being mostly anonymous here for some and good for others. But have you tried reaching out to a local community support group? Like I have just done so myself to try help people more focused in my community, in turn to help me grow also (my psychologist recommended I give it a go) The one I have found is currently doing it through zoom. Where you can be as open or quiet as you wish. But be more face to face with people if that would help you more. This may be helpful?! A thought anyway.
But if you can not cope today, take it easy, do something you would normally find enjoyable. Smile in a mirror at yourself, this helps our brain. Or cry and cry till you cant no more. Whatever helps you endure another day. You are doing amazing Rod.
Here always... vent, cry, ramble away anytime!!
Hugs and tissues, from me to you.