My year started off with moving my mum from the other end of the state to a nursing home near me. She wasn't happy but needs 24 hour care, so there was no option about it. My Sister moved interstate to be closer to her children was a good support for me. We do talk regularly but I hide things from her.
Not long after that we went into lockdown due to COVID, it felt like I dumped mum there. My work changed from psychical work to sitting helping with remote learning. I hadn't done this before and struggle with technology outside the norm. During this time I was admitted to hospital the first this year, due to not eating because of Depression. This was when ECT was suggested to me. I gave it some thought and decided that I would try it. Hoping that it would help with my depression. I don't think it helped me as I feel more depressed since than before I commenced treatment.
Shortly after my release, I stopped my Medications and had another attempt at suicide. I never told anyone for days, A psychologist contacted the MHT and there was a call the next day telling me to contact my doctor. The local MHT never contacted when they said they would. This is when I was getting anxious thinking that I must have it wrong. I had the wrong day, week, I am the problem, it is me that is wrong, etc.
Before long we were back into lockdown, my days consisted of going to work and doing jobs that never got done in normal days. I was saying a Hello and Good Bye as I entered and left and that was all the talk for the day.
I do live with my son, 21, who works long days and is tired when he gets home. But you know know what young people are like. Always busy doing things for others. This was another struggle and I ended up been admitted the second time. I felt like I would see the nurses at the beginning of shift, obs and meds and that was all. I am not one to complain, I do understand that they are busy with others but it was like I was the last thing on the list or just forgotten. I attempted Suicide during and after my stay as I was still finding it difficult just to keep going. The MHT signed me off in less than a week after discharge.
I don't want to keep going. I have 2 other adult children that my EX denies me to have contact. They still live with him. But I miss them terribly every day it has been 8 and 5 years since having them in my life.
I have had enough of life's curveballs for a life time.