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Topic: "Toxic" friendships and boundaries.

5 posts, 0 answered
  1. leonine
    leonine avatar
    1 posts
    19 June 2021
    Hi there, don't know where to turn so am hoping for some advice. I have this friend who is starting to make me resent everything. they don't have many friends, if any at all, and feel they are getting too attached to me and enmeshing themselves in everything i do and i'm starting to resent all the things that give me joy. I've tried to help them expanding their social circles for themselves, but get angry as i haven't introduced them to my friends, they try to put themselves into everything i do and guilt me when i try to have days to myself etc. I'm at a tipping point as I am not responsible for their life and they take no accountability. I've recently had some triggering news i had to process and only disclosed the situation at hand with my partner, but i set a boundary to not disclose everything with this friend as I feel they have to know every ins and outs about me and i find it uncomfortable to have someone know EVERYTHING. Because i have been processing this triggering issue that came up, they started guilting me and making it all about them as if i am the bad person and making them feel bad, when i'm going through my own things and needing space to process and work on myself. My partner says to just sever them but i feel as though it will create more harm than good. I have started to set some boundaries but feel they get angry and make it all about them when things have nothing to do with them, and i'm at a point i may implode. They are too dependent and don't have the self awareness or want to take any accountability or respect boundaries and it is making me feel smothered and resentful. I am sick of the gaslighting and playing on guilt trips and their skewed views and ideas and excessive need to enmesh themselves in my life.... as they wanted to see the same psych as me, do the same courses at uni as me, do everything i want to do and just not think for themselves know the same people as me. any help or advice would be greatly appreciated. thank you.
  2. white knight
    Community Champion
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    white knight avatar
    9212 posts
    19 June 2021 in reply to leonine

    Hi, welcome

    You are her idol. This type of fascination I used to observe as a child, Master popularity would have 2 or 3 followers that copied the gold even one's every action. They even walked like him. Such enablers even get involved in serious crimes if the golden one suggests it.

    I think your partner is right, to break off contact because- you'll never reduce the intensity, it's all or nothing with that type of person.

    If you did suggest more boundaries you are likely to suffer backlash.

    Finally, these people often resent the golden partner. For your partner is closer to you than them.

    My wife of 10 years had a best friend. When my wife and I got engaged my wife showed her the engagement ring. Her friend said "that's cheap and nasty...If I was engaged to you I'd get a proper ring". Alarm bells went off. It didn't last long after that.

    I don't think your relationship with your friend is a relaxing one hence unhealthy.

    TonyWK

  3. Petal22
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    Petal22 avatar
    1332 posts
    19 June 2021 in reply to leonine

    Hi Leonine,

    Friends should encourage you, want the best for you, clap the loudest if you have good news

    If not find a new friend 😊

  4. Anne T
    Anne T avatar
    3 posts
    16 July 2021 in reply to leonine
    It sounds like this person is very insecure. I would also try and help them with developing other friendships. Have you tried suggesting they join other groups that align with their interests? Rather than entirely cutting them off I would find some regular thing that you enjoy doing with them and commit to that. I would tell them that you value their friendship but you don't like to spend too much time with one person. Try reassuring them that you value that set time but don't want more time and keep reiterating that boundary. If they can't respect that boundary then you may need to look at taking more drastic action like ending the friendship.
  5. quirkywords
    Community Champion
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    quirkywords avatar
    12351 posts
    16 July 2021 in reply to leonine

    Leonine

    thanks so much for writing your post and starting this thread and discussion.

    A friend was emailing a friend overseas and she had met the friend. So apart from one meeting all the communication was by email. The friend overseas would complain my friend would not email often enough even though she emailed over Ten times a day.. she would. O plain if my friend wrote Dear .. or said take care and lots of other words she didn’t like.
    my friend would complain to me how stressed she felt but kept emailing as her pen pal had many mental health issues. My friend liked her own pal and they had fun times and supported each other for years until something happened and the penpal stopped. communication for a week so my friend decided it was time to stop.

    my friend realised how much stress she had been under but still worried about her pen pal.

    I know it is different in real life but she realised enough was enough.
    Only you know how much you can cope with and what will work for you.

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