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Forums / Supporting family and friends with a mental health condition (carers) / Advice please. Husband is depressed, alcoholic. Refuses to get help.

Topic: Advice please. Husband is depressed, alcoholic. Refuses to get help.

3 posts, 0 answered
  1. Butterfly22
    Butterfly22 avatar
    1 posts
    13 February 2022

    Hi. Warning long post.

    First timer here and talking about this outside of my head. My husband has been a ‘good’ drinker most of his life but last few years it’s become his ‘go to’ for the good, bad and ugly. He turns into a different person which makes me really angry and frustrated.

    Also over the last few years, he (and we) have had a really hard time with loss, hardship and general ‘everyday life’ frustration. We have 3 kids which also plays into the mix. Throw Covid into that as well.

    Recently he’s had some health issues which we are currently sorting out but this obviously all contributes to each other.

    He has had the occasional suicidal comment which is when I realised I (he) really should’ve done something a long time ago. It’s not only affecting me but the kids and our marriage.

    He is great in the mornings and during the day, but it start when he is home at night, it all goes downhill. He knows he needs to get help but won’t actually do anything or talk to anyone. How do I get him to at least talk to a professional?

    Thanks for reading.

  2. Croix
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    Croix avatar
    11057 posts
    13 February 2022 in reply to Butterfly22

    Dear Butterfly22~

    Welcome here to the forum, a good place to get ideas and support.

    If you husband knows he needs support that is a good start. If talking it over with him and this not leading to him seeking help both for suicide and alcohol is there anyone else who might have more luck persuading him? Maybe someone he respects from work, or loves such as a family member?

    One thing you might try is a sideways approach. His talk of suicide would have been extremely worrying, and not being able to do anything abut it extremely stressful for you

    As a result see if you can interest him in a Safety Plan. This is something which is really excellent to reach for when one feels overwhelmed and thinks of taking one's life.

    I use one called Beyond Now, which is a free smartphone app and has an awful lot of potential, allowing for a lot more things than you might expect., not just crisis numbers, though it can make them just a button press to use.

    https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/beyondnow-suicide-safety-planning

    Ideally two people fill it out together well in advance of any distress. When I tried on my own I was hopeless as one of the most imortant features is listing specific things that have made one feel better, given a lift -or in my case even a laugh and then using htem. I found it impossible to remember these and relied on my partner who was able to recall all sorts of things I'd liked. Now I have Youtube comedians and music, movies, a cafe to visit, someone to chat with , books and more

    Coming together to build this helps both people and can draw them closer.

    While it has spaces to put in crisis services for suicide it can also hold spaces where you could put Alcohol and Drug organizations that can help. It will at least provide a talking point between the two of you.

    I'd suggest you contact our Help Line on 1300 22 4636 to find Alcohol services in your area, or ones that offer 24 hour support, then include those in the listing

    You may wish to contact them yourself to see what advice they may have.

    Do you have any support yourself? It makes a lot of difference ot have someone you can talk with who understands and cares. Trying to deal with this all by yourself is very hard.

    Please come back and tell us how you get on,

    Croix

    1 person found this helpful
  3. smallwolf
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
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    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    smallwolf avatar
    6276 posts
    13 February 2022 in reply to Butterfly22

    hello and welcome.

    I hope you don't mind if I go straight to your question and it is something I got from my psychologist... it is about using I communication, talking about the effect this is having on you; use empathy to indicate you understand their position; and that you are looking to find a way forward.

    it's easy in hindsight to say something should have been done a long time ago. I have else described the descent as being slow until you reach a point in time where something happens that is the last straw. So taking that first step can be hard, to acknowledge there is a problem.

    beyond blue also has a web page on supporting your partner as well. It has things to help you out, help him etc. If you do a google search for

    beyond blue supporting your partner

    you will find the page, plus links to other stories where you will find out what others have gone through or done. Hope some of that helps.

    Last thing... how are you coping?

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