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Forums / Supporting family and friends with a mental health condition (carers) / At my wits end- depressed husband keeps skipping work

Topic: At my wits end- depressed husband keeps skipping work

3 posts, 0 answered
  1. desperatewife84
    desperatewife84 avatar
    2 posts
    3 January 2018

    Hi all,

    Hoping to get some perspective and advice because I don't know what to do. We've been married for three years and together for six. We have a two year old child and another due in March.

    My husband is incredibly smart and funny and everyone adores him. He has a bit of a rough past - his family was never really supportive and he had to fend for himself from a young age.

    Since we started dating, he hasn't really been able to hold down a job long term. He either gets bored or finds something better. On one occasion he was fired.

    He started a new job in early 2017 and everything was great. He enjoyed it and worked incredibly hard to do well. In September/October, he had a period of around three weeks where he worked without a day off. He finished that stretch with a massive night of drinking (something he does semi regularly) and hasn't been back to work since. It started as sick leave for his hangover, then turned into just needing time off. A few weeks in, he tells me he has depression and anxiety and that's why he hasn't been working.

    Admittedly I didn't know how to cope with this information. He was still cooking and cleaning (I know, I'm lucky!) and socialising regularly and seeing friends. He has continued to drink often but exercises regularly. On the outside, it appears that everything is ok. He started antidepressants but stopped them a week later. He has a referral to see a counselor but won't go because of the cost.

    Our finances are suffering. I'm in a very stable, well-paid job but we've had to take loans to cover rent and Christmas. The loans are all in my name because his credit is so bad. I'm furious that he spent a lot of the money on drinking and gambling with friends.

    He was supposed to start fresh at work this morning but he didn't go. He now owes his work money (he was overpaid because he didn't show up) and I don't know how we'll pay rent next month.

    He keeps promising things and calling me insensitive when I try to help or get annoyed with him. He says I just need to be there and not criticize him but i find it so hard to be passive when he's destroying everything. I try to stay calm but I also have to be logical and responsible. I'm on the verge of leaving because I can't rely on him for anything and I feel like a monster for considering it.

    Can anyone offer advice or perspective on this? I am an anxious person and have a very stressful job. I'm really worried about our child and unborn baby and hate that I can't do anything.

  2. desperatewife84
    desperatewife84 avatar
    2 posts
    3 January 2018 in reply to desperatewife84

    I should say that I was supportive of him seeing a counsellor. Finances are tight but we have a little in savings that could be used to get help. It really upset me that he said we couldn't afford for him to get counseling yet he went and spent several thousand dollars gambling the next weekend.

    I've also suggested he get a mental health plan from his GP so he can get subsidised visits. I even offered to call to make his appointment.

    I'm quite happy to be told that I AM being insensitive or doing something wrong. I really just want to do what I can to get things back on track for my family.

  3. geoff
    Life Member
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    geoff avatar
    15561 posts
    3 January 2018 in reply to desperatewife84
    hello Desperatewife, congratulations for having a 2 year old and one close to be born, I only wish it was exciting for you at the moment, unfortunately but it's your husband who worries you plus all the financial stress.

    Someone who cooks, cleans, regularly socialises with his friends and is smart and funny, but misses work on a continual basis could mean that he has a drinking problem.

    This is what I did, except I did not socialise but I was in depression and I had a serious drinking problem, now I only socially drink, but in the meantime caused a lot of damage.

    If he keeps missing work the doctor will ask him 'how's work going', if he says what has been discussed above then the doctor will ask him about his drinking, at the moment he maybe in denial. Geoff.

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