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Forums / Supporting family and friends with a mental health condition (carers) / Did he fall out of love because of his depression

Topic: Did he fall out of love because of his depression

27 posts, 0 answered
  1. Deja Vu
    Deja Vu avatar
    19 posts
    19 February 2019
    My boyfriend left me. We've been together for nearly 3 years. He was my best friend. I love him so much.
    Througout 2018 he was depressed. The worst parts were in may june and novemember. We had a lovely christmas

    This all started since he started talking about how he intentionally pushes people away, doesnt understand why anyone would have anything to do with him, and how he bullies people out of liking him and away from him. I told him ive noticed the ladder and i asked him if he could stop it and he said "no".
    Turns out its because he doesnt want to talk with me anymore, he wants nothing to do with me and that he hasnt wanted to spend time with me for 3 to 4 months. He would have been in a bad place when he stopped liking me.

    I asked him if he cares about me: "I dont really care about anything"
    Asked if he cared about me as a friend: "I dont know". Asked him if he trusted me: "i guess". I asked him if keeping our relationship up was too much emotional effort and he said "yep". He said he stopped liking me. Asked him if he loved me: "I cant say i do anymore". He said he cant do anything about the fact that he doesn't love me anymore. Concerning our relationship, he tried to keep it going for aslong as he could but he cant.

    He doesn't understand why im upset. He doesn't care that i'll miss him and that i dont want to loose him. He used to be adoring and caring but since christmas, he has been unsympathetic, uninterested (ik he's not cheating), critical and judgemental. I thought it was just because he was depressed (he acts like this when depressed) but he says he's happy because he doesnt care about anything anymore.

    He said he only wants to talk to me and care about me when he's stoned. He smokes pot to deal with his issues temporially. When he's stoned he loves me. He's a trainwreck.
    I knew him before he was depressed and we were very close friends. Sure he had issues but it was never as bad as it was in 2018. He was smart and sharp and funny. He has a bad family background. No father and the only relationships that have been modeled to him are loveless and dysfunctional. He pretty much raised himself from age 11 upwards. That might make me sound like a fixer upper but im not.

    He promised me that if he misses me or wants to reconnect that he will. He promised me that if he needs me he'll reconnect. He promised that he will talk to me. Is there any hope for improvement or another relationship?
    Did he fall out of love because of his issues or ?
  2. PamelaR
    Community Champion
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    PamelaR avatar
    2508 posts
    19 February 2019 in reply to Deja Vu

    Hi Deja Vu and warm welcome

    Things are sounding quite distressing for you at the moment. Breakups are so difficult. Especially when you still love and care for the other person. My heart goes out to you. You're not alone. There are many of us here on the forums who have experienced similar things to you.

    Your question - Did he fall out of love because of his issues or ? That's a really difficult question and I think ultimately only he can talk about it. We can guess and theorise all we want, however, he is the one who made the step and needs to give you an answer.

    Depression can make us do horrible things to people we care about. I'm not a health professional, but experience depression, anxiety and PTSD myself. My partner has the same disorders. We've been together now for 38 years. We both have trust issues with others, however, during the first 10 years we talked and talked about what it was we wanted from a relationship. Thank goodness we both wanted the same thing.

    And often we find ourselves saying or doing things that offends the other. But we have come up with strategies to nip these in the bud. Basically - 'talk'. Bring it out in the open - what hurt me or what hurt him. We talk honestly and I think it helps. Talking this way hasn't happened over night, it's taken a long, long time. During that time we've both gone to health professionals for assistance.

    Do you see anyone, e.g. health professional (psychologist or counsellor)? I find this really useful to get things out that are bugging me and I can't put a finger on it. They often can find my pain points and give me coping mechanisms.

    If you aren't seeing a health professional, maybe that might be a place to start to help you?

    Also, feel free to do searches on our website for threads and posts about similar situations and to join discussions if you want. You're not alone Deja Vu. Keep reaching out to us.

    Kind regards

    PamelaR

    2 people found this helpful
  3. Deja Vu
    Deja Vu avatar
    19 posts
    19 February 2019 in reply to PamelaR

    Thank you it means so much to me

    No i dont see a psychologist but this is the straw that broke the camels back and Im going to look for help now

    Im giving him space and he's also ignoring me so i can't talk about it with him but i'll see what happens. This is the second time he's cut me off.
    The first time he did it was because he thought I was the reason for his issues but started talking a month later when he realised I wasn't. He said that how he feels was different then to it is now. I dont know what that means. I love him to bits and i dont want to loose him

  4. white knight
    Community Champion
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    white knight avatar
    6236 posts
    19 February 2019 in reply to Deja Vu

    Hi Deja Vu, welcome

    Soft caring words from PamelaR there.

    I think you might need some insurance because the possibility of you finding a stable committed partner in this relationship seems to be slipping- hence you reaching out. Your fear is evident and I understand that fear having have 3 long term relationships fold on me all over 7 years long.

    I understand you love him and care for him. The issue is, that whether or not it is his depression or other reason for him abandoning ship twice now is immaterial to you in this- he leaves and you are left holding onto - well nothing for months. That is not a good foundation for trust in communication. It doesn't display he cares for you (although he may well do), it doesn't give you hope that if he returns he can give all the reassurances he likes, you will still be in fear it will happen again.

    My suggestion is because of the above you are better off mental health wise, to put this relationship aside in your mind and get on with life as a single person even though it is difficult. Meet new friends, have fun, be adventurist and above all..use distractions to the best of your ability all day right up until you are exhausted and need to sleep so you don't start thinking about him. That is your insurance because you have to protect yourself from what is more real and more likely, that it wont work out.

    That advice isn't being negative to you, but a safe zone for you as his communication isn't reasonable.

    Google

    Beyondblue topic the significance of being reasonable

    Beyondblue topic REJECTION, it's hard to swallow

    Beyondblue topic does stubbornness have a place?

    Beyondblue topic festering issues or moving on?

    Beyondblue topic Relationship split

    All of those are relevant to you. Just read the first post.

    I hope that helps. Repost if you feel like it.

    TonyWK

  5. Deja Vu
    Deja Vu avatar
    19 posts
    19 February 2019 in reply to white knight

    You're very right about the fear of it happening again. That fear has been around since yea may 2018.

    Honestly i just want him back but i want pre depression him back. Back when it was pretty much a fairytale relationship without issues or worry. Just happiness and love and support. Im scared i'll never get that back.
    I dont want to loose touch with him.

    In a way i dont want to move on, I want to see if he'll come back but I know unless he does something about his issues (which he wont), it'll just happen again and again
    I'm going to do my best to move on and distract myself, check in every few weeks and see if he's still uncaring and unloving.

    His promises are the only hope i have and i know they'll only come true if he's stoned (so when he's temporarily fine) or not depressed (providing the depression is the reason why he doesnt love me anymore)

  6. Purple People Eater
    blueVoices member
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Purple People Eater avatar
    36 posts
    19 February 2019 in reply to PamelaR

    Hi Dejavu
    My hubby has had depression as long as I've known him (varied from mild to severe to suicidal, currently mild), and also smokes pot to cope. We have been together over 20 years now.

    At times, in our first few years, he would become very distant. With the benefit of hindsight, and lots of carer education, and peer support groups I know why.

    He didn't feel safe. He had low self-esteem and didn't think he was worthy of love. And severe depression makes you withdraw from everything, including people you care about.

    Unfortunately, your (ex?) boyfriend doesn't want to seek help and he is pushing you away too now.

    I recommend calling Griefline https://griefline.org.au/ can help you talk through your grief at the loss of your hopes and dreams for this relationship.

    Maybe when you have got past that, you can be friends again, and try and be a support person for him. If you still want to.

    Good luck

    PPE

  7. Deja Vu
    Deja Vu avatar
    19 posts
    19 February 2019 in reply to Purple People Eater

    Honestly at this point i'm thinking that im just using depression as an excuse for him just naturally falling out of love with me

    My boyfriend also has low self esteem and doesn't think he's worthy of love

    I'm going to get professional help since I have mild undealt with issues

    I just dont know. I really don't know
    I guess time will tell but he doesnt even want to have anything to do with me in the slightest and I dont know why. I know I didn't hurt him and he himself said that I helped him alot in the past years but man honestly I just don't know

  8. Deja Vu
    Deja Vu avatar
    19 posts
    20 February 2019 in reply to Deja Vu
    Is there any chance of fixing the relationship
  9. white knight
    Community Champion
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    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    white knight avatar
    6236 posts
    20 February 2019 in reply to Deja Vu

    Hi again,

    We cant say one way or the other. We can provide you with ideas and examples of our experiences but not much more. Even the threads I recommended were aimed at providing you with some knowledge.

    So, armed with this, and the responses you have, its a decision for you to make. Control of yourself is harmony.

    I hope you find peace of mind.

    TonyWK

    2 people found this helpful
  10. Deja Vu
    Deja Vu avatar
    19 posts
    21 February 2019 in reply to white knight

    Thank you, i'll remember that

    and I hope I do too

  11. Deja Vu
    Deja Vu avatar
    19 posts
    20 April 2019 in reply to white knight
    I wanted to give an update to this post and talk about isolation

    We sorted everything out and everything went back to how it had been normally and there was a week of clarity in march where he was happy and like his old self. He loved me like he used to again.

    But then recently it happened again. He said he cared about me and liked me. He said he loved me but that he wasn't i love. It's like he unbottles all his frustrations and he was very sorry afterwards and it was like another moment of clarity where he loved me and he was happy.



    Aside from that, he's started the process of getting help :)
    Doctors said he had severe depression and i hope from now on both for him and the relationship, that things will improve.


    Sure he is isolating himself from me (so not talking to me for a few days and then everything goes back to normal) because apparently i am make him "feel like s**t" according to him. I don't think it's my fault but I've been doing some reflecting. I try my best to be there for him and help him and support him. To me it seems like i'm not causing it, he just feels that way but he's pinning it on me since im a constant in his life. He never told me any specific way that i make him feel awful.
    It reminds me of last year when he isolated himself for a month. Blocked me and vanished. He told me later that he had done this because he thought i was reason for why he felt so awful and miserable. And nothing changed. The issues were and are still there since i wasn't the reason. He's been doing the vanishing thing again. (I just want to state to anyone reading that he is 100% not cheating)



    I just don't know what to do or how to act or what to think. Should i just sit tight and wait for things to get better and let him fix his issues on his own or? Also i don't know what to do when he isolates himself

    I don't know, its just really taxing but at least things will get better id hope
  12. Deja Vu
    Deja Vu avatar
    19 posts
    20 April 2019 in reply to Deja Vu
    I just wanted to add that there is a chance that he's mistaking lust and infatuation with love
  13. Croix
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    6861 posts
    21 April 2019 in reply to Deja Vu

    Dear Deja Vu~

    There is no real quick answer to your worries, the only high spot to come out of your last post is that your bf is now seeking help. Before he was simply using weed.

    When Depression and a couple of other things hit me I wanted to be alone, did not understand what was happening and was so away from myself that it was like standing on one side of a glass wall looking at me and my life on the other . Not a good place for a relationship. No affection.

    There was a difference though, I still cared about my partner (even if I did not realise it) and never saw her as the cause of any troubles. In fact she was very prone to blame herself -which was completely unjust.

    What do you think of the idea of giving this some more time now that he is seeing his doctor, and trying to involve yourself as far as he will let you with his treatment? Also ensure he tells his doctor about the weed, as it can really alter the effects of any medications -and not for the better.

    I'd also suggest you put a time limit on things, which may sound a bit cold-hearted, however a relationship that is going hopefully to last a big chunk of your life does need to have a balance and someone you can rely upon.

    Croix

  14. Deja Vu
    Deja Vu avatar
    19 posts
    21 April 2019 in reply to Croix

    Thank you

    I have had issues but never depression so I've never experienced what he's experiencing.

    He cares about me and likes me and loves me but only in the moment. It used to bother me that he was giving me no affection but then it clicked that it was from the depression. And it still bothers me but now I understand why its gone

    Thank you for the weed medication info. Yea i will involve myself as much as he allows me. I really hope everything works out. :)

  15. Croix
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    21 April 2019 in reply to Deja Vu

    Dear Deja Vu~

    I've no wise words, who does? The think I don't like is he seems to see you as someone to blame, the thing I do like is he now has medical support.

    I do know he is/was lucky to have someone that cares so much.

    I know you said you were going to get medical support for yourself, which is good, how about in your life? Is there a family member or freind to stand by, support and care? There is something especially horrible about waiting and wondering alone.

    Croix

  16. Deja Vu
    Deja Vu avatar
    19 posts
    22 April 2019 in reply to Croix

    Thank you

    I think he's blaming me but its because he might be confused about he's feeling. Like I don't feel at fault and I know I havn't done anything bad or anything which would justify him blaming me.

    I'm talking about this with friends aswell. So i do have support myself.

    I think everything will work out in the long run

  17. Deja Vu
    Deja Vu avatar
    19 posts
    29 April 2019 in reply to Deja Vu
    A "short" update
    He messaged me
    "Hey man im sorry ive not been around
    Ive been dealing with sh*t and some **** ****** up rn but ill be back in a matter of days"

    And as much as it made me happy, made me not anxious that he's ignoring me because of something i did or something. I'm a big worrier and in the last few days I've been assuming the worst concerning his motivations. I'm always scared that his isolation is going to be permanent or a month long. I've also started the process of dealing with anxiety. I'm also worried about him. I have no idea what happened. It could be family chaos, isolating or both but either way, the message is such a big weight off my shoulders. I hope he's alright man.

    I also wish he'd told me he loved me but I know with him messaging + depression that beggers can't be choosers. I know he loves me when he feels good. When he's in a period of clarity, he's head over heels again but that never lasts long. And i just want him to love me and care and want me. And there was a week where he did love me (right before he vanished) and have feelings for me but yea. I cant enjoy special songs we had anymore (or at least while he's not in a moment of clarity) since they remind me that he doesn't love me completely.

    Like when it's a moment of clarity and happiness, all i get from is unconditional support love and care but they might crop up for a week or two every month and then the rest of the time, he's in a place of severe depression.

    I know when he's in a good place, he does want me and care for me and loves me but yea man

    I know everything will be good and okay in the end. It always does. He'll get help and get his life back together and he'll be happy again. Our relationship will be fixed and while he's in this patch, he'll get nothing but love and support from me
  18. Deja Vu
    Deja Vu avatar
    19 posts
    15 May 2019 in reply to Croix
    Another update
    So he came back, he said wasn't doing good so he figured he'd just leave me alone. He he said he also did self care. When he came back I asked him if the relationship is back to normal and he said yes. He also said I love you back.


    One thing he said to me was that he never has anything to say to me and that its unique to me. He also said he's not depressed but then he also said he's lost, lonely, sad and purposeless. He's bitter all the time. I feel like I can't talk 100% freely since he's always bitter and critical. Is this a temoprary thing he said since he's feeling this rn or a permanent thing.

    I'm really scared that i'm blaming the crumbling of the relationship on his depression. In one of his unbottlings (he regreted everything he said in it apart from the fact that he isolates since i make him feel like sh*t and that he only loves me in the moment), he said he only views me as a friend. But then he's also been affectionate to me after that. He said he only loves me in the moment. He hasn't given me anything affectionate in the last few days. Not even an "i love you".

    So like a time line
    -He unbottles the second time (so the 20th april stuff)
    -A week where he loves me. He thinks im important, that he "can't help but liking me", that he loves me and cares for me
    -he falls of the earth
    -he comes back and everything is like this

    What if the relationship is just breaking down normally. Any one have any advice?
    Am i blowing this small thing out of porpotion?
    I just really need advice. I have no idea what i am doing
  19. Deja Vu
    Deja Vu avatar
    19 posts
    15 May 2019 in reply to Deja Vu
    Just want to clarify, the thing with him viewing me only as a friend is from when he unbottled
  20. Croix
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    15 May 2019 in reply to Deja Vu

    Dear Deja Vu~

    Leaving illness to one side for a moment it sounds like an unstable unequal relationship. You have been a constant, someone to always come back to, and it has cost you a lot. You have been the one to bear the load, and in the long term that is not good, one needs a partner to share life with, not one who constantly leaves you feeling "I have no idea what i am doing"

    I'm wondering how long before lack of surety and care turns into resentment and anger.

    Reading all you have said I don't think the realtionship is "just breaking down normally", it seems to be greatly hampered by his illness. So one of the questions is - can you both expect reasonable improvement in his condition or will things go on this way more or less permanently.

    Can you live like this?

    Talking to his medical team about realistic prospects might help there.

    Croix

  21. Deja Vu
    Deja Vu avatar
    19 posts
    16 May 2019 in reply to Croix

    I know I can't do this permanently. I will have to jump ship if nothing happens. It's been floating in my mind alot recently that I would/might have to do that in the future depending on what happens.

    And I'm also scared that i'll hate him. But I don't think his issues will be permanent either (provided he deals with them)

    He also said that he'll leave me alone and stop dumping his issues on me when he hits rough patches. Like leaving me alone for a day or 2 days or a few hours. That will make it alot less hard for me.

  22. Croix
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    16 May 2019 in reply to Deja Vu

    Dear Deja Vu~

    I think you are taking a very sensible and practical view of a horrible situation

    (provided he deals with them) is of course the crux of the matter. From my own experience (limited to a sample of one I must admit:) there does not need to be a 100% fix, but a reasonable improvement in a reasonable time, wiht increasing care returned and hope. He has to do this.

    Also not dumping on you all the time will let you think of other things, which might be a real blessing. I hope he keeps his word.

    Croix

  23. Deja Vu
    Deja Vu avatar
    19 posts
    17 May 2019 in reply to Croix

    I told I loved him. He told me I shouldn't bother and I asked why and he dodged it. I know the answer.

    The answer is that he doesn't love me. And I know it hurts but stuff like this comes and goes with his depression

    Even 50% would be real good

  24. Croix
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    18 May 2019 in reply to Deja Vu

    Dear Deja Vue~

    I have said "I don't know why you bother to love me", or words so similar it makes no difference. This was because I genuinely did not think I was worth loving. While I do not know your husband perhaps you are drawing a hasty conclusion, one that puts you down.

    My wife initially feared my conduct at home was due to her shortcomings, everything from my unhappiness though distancing and also lack of intimacy. She was wrong. She was always a positive influence.

    I would be most surprised if you were not too. As for him saying he does not love you, there is a chance he was like me, not understanding himself, being too removed from himself to know anything.

    Again I'm giving you my experiences, I'm only one of many, but at least you know there can be hopeful possibilities for some.

    Croix

  25. Deja Vu
    Deja Vu avatar
    19 posts
    19 May 2019 in reply to Croix

    I had a reply but it was taking crazy long to get through moderation which is odd since it was just a completely normal reply.

    Im scared that when he saids that i shouldn't bother loving him its because he doesn't love me. He also doesn't think I should care about him. I know that rationally he loves me but there are periods where it's just loveless and he views me as a friend in these periods. His self esteem has completely tanked.

    I don't think its my fault but that it's my duty to fix the relationship. Like im not trying to fix him but the relationship. And it's really stupid since It's clearly not going to work since he's too depressed. I'm just trying to make it work.

    Listening to other people's experiences helps alot. I don't know what it's like to be depressed. Thank you for your input. It helps alot

  26. Croix
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    19 May 2019 in reply to Deja Vu

    Dear Deja Vu~

    If I've misunderstood I apologize, however it is not your duty to 'fix' the relationship.

    In my case a permanent relationship improved as a by-product of my improvement, which means of course it is the illness that has to improve first.

    The best you can do is try to hold a stable platform for that improvement to take place, while looking after yourself. He has to do the taking responsibility and seeking treatment, and persevering.

    I wanted to emphasize you have to be of greatest concern to yourself. It sounds selfish, it is not. Simply realistic.

    Frankly I felt a lot of guilt over my treatment of my partner at the time, not because I was abusive or violent, but because of her distress. As she became aware of what were symptoms she became more confident and more able to provided that stable platform, my guilt (about that fraction of my life) became less. We both benefited.

    Croix

  27. Deja Vu
    Deja Vu avatar
    19 posts
    19 May 2019 in reply to Croix

    It's not my duty but I want it fixed so I try to fix it but its a sisyphean task. I know the only thing that can fix it is him dealing with his depression.

    I've done research and before I never thought that it was caused by depression. It's alot less distressing knowing that it's caused by depression and that it can be dealt with. Instead of it just being a naturally crumbling relationship. Sometimes I'm in denial that he's acting like this because of depression but I really hope it is just depression since then that can be fixed and I can old him back.

    I've been making sure to look after myself and go on normally with my life but I can't help being distressed about it.

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