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Forums / Supporting family and friends with a mental health condition (carers) / Did he fall out of love because of his depression

Topic: Did he fall out of love because of his depression

  1. Deja Vu
    Deja Vu avatar
    30 posts
    12 June 2019 in reply to Deja Vu
    I didn't mention that yet again he's been gone for two weeks.

    He's said things like he only wants to talk to me at the moment because he feels good (he said that way back in feb or march). At the same time he also said that the more time he spends with me, the less he likes and loves me.
    Combine that with that he took time off for self help and that i make him feel like sh*t, I can't help but worry that he's isolating himself from me because of these things. Like that the self help wasn't trying to improve his mental health but just didn't want to talk to me + being depressed. I don't know how to describe it but it makes me feel awful. It doesn't hurt my self esteem but it hurts because someone I love 100% and someone who used to love me 100% is thinking these things about me if that makes sense.

    When he was happy, it was like I had the pre depression of him back. And then his self esteem tanked and then no more talking. But when he was happy he was telling me how much he loved me and he was affectionate again. He was happy with his appearance and he said that I make him happy.

    In the may of last year, he cut me off because he was very depressed and he said that he was desperately trying to find a solution so it could stop so he blamed me. So he thought it was my fault but realised after a month that it wasn't my fault since he was still miserable.
  2. Croix
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    13 June 2019 in reply to Deja Vu

    Dear Deja Vu~

    "hurts because someone I love 100% and someone who used to love me 100% is thinking these things about me"

    Of curse that makes sense, I hate to say it but it seems as if that 100% love is turning into criticisms of the foundation of you relationship. If being wiht you is a negative experience now then what is in the future?

    Frankly I doubt being wiht you is as he describes. It can be easy to fix blame one someone when things are not going well, and you are the closet and easiest (and most forgiving) target for that blame.

    I may have said this before - if it was me the most upsetting thing is the lack of consideration and care. Disappearing regularly, expressing blame, not taking you welfare and feelings into account, but just using you as some sort of base all seem very one-sided. Blowing hot and cold keeps you on tenterhooks all the time.

    Not the building blocks of a partnership - who will you rely on when things are bad?

    Sorry to be blunt

    Croix

  3. Deja Vu
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    30 posts
    17 June 2019 in reply to Croix

    I really do love him 100% but I think i might be burnt out. If I'm not burnt out, I'm just coping badly with the depression.

    When he's happy, all the negative stuff is gone. He tells me that he can't help but like and love me. He wants to spend time with me and so on and I make him happy. I also think he's just trying to blame something and I just happen to be the person closest to him so I get the blame.

    The lack of care and affection is what bothers me the most aswell. We both know it's caused by the depression and that helps me find a sort of peace if that makes sense. Like I know it's not my fault or just normal problems but its a "hey im depressed and I don't care about anything at all" thing and depression can be dealt with.

    I also understand not being able to talk to people.
    I know i can't rely on him when he's depressed but at least I have friends and family who would support me. But I also want him there and normal and happy and doing well.
    If his depression is affecting me this significantly and I'm not even the one experiencing the depression then it'd be hell for him. One thing which is good that he's at least aware that he's depressed instead of being too scared to admit it/ in denial. I don't know how to describe it but I know what it feels like. He's accepted that it's an issue.

  4. Croix
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    17 June 2019 in reply to Deja Vu

    Dear Deja Vue~

    He is lucky to have you there for him, it is a huge burden. At least you do not think it is your fault -which is a trap my wife fell into at the start. Knowing it is not your fault can give a degree of confidence.

    Has he returned as yet?

    I'm afraid I have to echo what I've said before, he has to not only accept he has depression, but actively seek help and cooperate with it, not just self-medicate with weed and disappear when he feels the need.

    As for you being burned out, people do keep on going and going, eventually they get to the stage where they become ill, they lose hope, energy and motivation. You might think his absence gives you respite, however if you are worrying abut him all the time it is not helping you.

    I may have asked before -what can you do for your own enjoyment, something to look forward to each day when you get up? Something that allows the mind to escape from the pressures and worries of every day?

    I'm glad you have friends and family, it does make a difference not being alone

    Croix

  5. Deja Vu
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    30 posts
    17 June 2019 in reply to Croix

    He hasn't returned and he'll probably be back in a week or two.
    Yea I hope there is a period where it gets to a point where he's like "this is too awful I have to urgently do something. I can't keep living like this." Only he can actually do anything about it.

    I am a worrier but the only thing that stops me from worrying about him and his depression is when he's in moments of clarity. But this time he's disappeared, I've been worrying less than last time. I've just been trying my best to think good positive thoughts. Plus worrying won't fix anything or help anything.

    I play dungeons and dragons. I play videogames and do other stuff. It's not affecting me that badly that I need something to look forward to each day but it's still a lot for me to handle. But the stuff I listed definitely helps me escape. I do think about him alot and I worry about him and the relationship.

  6. Croix
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    17 June 2019 in reply to Deja Vu

    Dear Deja Vu~

    I used to play D&D in a small group every week for a long time. It was great fun, not so much becuse of the spin of the dice and working out points, but by the interaction with friends, made-up stories and general good humor. I hope you have the same

    Croix

  7. Deja Vu
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    30 posts
    21 June 2019 in reply to Croix
    I'm a DM but a very unexperienced one. It's definitely a blast though.

    It's been 3 weeks mark. As I mentioned way back, last time he disappeared, he messaged me saying that he'll be back in a matter of days but nothing this time. He also said after he came back that the longest that he'll disappear for is 2 days and here we are. But then that's how depression works I guess. Depression doesn't look at a watch or a calendar.
    What fills me with dread is wondering when he's going to come back. What if it becomes 5 weeks or 6 weeks. I'm scared of it being any longer than a month and I wish he had sent me a text or something. Knowing that its the depression and not him makes it less worse for me. I know it's only going to be a month since when stuff happens to him, they happen in month long blocks if that makes sense.

    I sometimes I feel like this depression is never going to get better and that makes me want to leave him. I know there is no quick fix for depression.
    But then It's something worth putting up with it. Because I really want the old him back and sometimes I get glimpses of him when he's in moments of clarity like the week before he disappeared. I am also scared that the relationship might not last.
    On the flip side, I am extremely hopeful it will last and I will work towards it lasting. Usually everything works out in the end.


    I think there might be an aspect of "I don't want to hurt people with my depression. I just bring everyone down and I don't want to dump my stuff on them. I just won't talk to them". Which explains him being scared of dumping stuff on me but then he doesn't seem to care at all about anyone else.
    You are extremely right about the lack of care being the thing that hurts the most.
  8. Croix
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    22 June 2019 in reply to Deja Vu

    Dear Deja Vu~

    I'm very glad you have an outlet to help you relax and take you mind off things, plus of course having the support of family and friends.

    Now you did say:

    "I don't want to hurt people with my depression. I just bring everyone
    down and I don't want to dump my stuff on them. I just won't talk to
    them"

    to which I'll add that depression fills the mind so full of hapless thoughts there is no room nor the energy to deal with others, no matter how loved.

    So yes people do withdraw.

    But. I do know in my own case I was still concerned about my partner, and would never have caused her the distress of being away for months without at least letting her know where I was. I can see others might be different, but alternative possibilities do raise themselves in my mind.

    May I ask do you in fact know where he disappears to, and with whom, each of these times?

    Croix

  9. Deja Vu
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    30 posts
    22 June 2019 in reply to Croix

    Thank you, I don't know how it feels like to be depressed so I don't always understand what is going on in his mind. He's told me cares about me. And he told me last time that he disappeared since he didn't want to dump anything on me.

    We don't live together but he doesn't go anywhere or with anyone when he isolates. He just wallows by himself at his place. I know where he is, he just completely isolates himself. It's not like he's disappearing to a hotel somewhere nor is he cheating. I know he is safe.
    It's not a physical act of disappearing. I shouldn't have used the word "disappearing" since it's confusing.

    Last time this happened, he sent me a text saying that he'd be back in a matter of days and that something happened and he's trying to fix it. If i remember correctly but it definitely said that he'd be back in a matter of days. This time I haven't gotten a text message.

  10. Croix
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    22 June 2019 in reply to Deja Vu

    Dear Deja Vu~

    I'm glad you gave those extra details, as it was I had a sneaking suspicion he may have had a different life with others, abandoning you for them, now I see that was unfounded.

    Even so extended periods on his own do not sound a desirable thing. I know from my own experience slimply trying to survive without proper help did not lead anywhere, in fact I became worse. My partner was instrumental in me finally obtaining the proper medical care, I ended up in hospital as a result, but am not suggesting that is what your BF does or does not need.

    It sounds at the moment like a sort of self sustaining lifestyle - come out and be wiht you, react badly to an expanded life and retreat. I no doubt have mentioned he needs to do more and seek and cooperate wiht therapy -and maybe meds for quite some time.

    Your current way of life is miserable for both of you and could be so much better. How you get him to seek help I'm not sure, you would have better ideas as you know him. What do you think?

    Croix

  11. Deja Vu
    Deja Vu avatar
    30 posts
    1 July 2019 in reply to Croix
    He's been gone for a month now. I have a gut feeling that he'll be back this week.
    It hurts that it's been this long but I've also realised that this isn't the normal him but the severely depressed him. I know worrying and crying is a waste of energy because it won't achieve anything. I've just been getting on with life.
    I know that when he's fine and happy that he'll 100% talk to me since when he's feeling that, he loves me and likes me and wants to spend time with me and I make him happy. From what I've picked up on, this is the worst incarnation of his depression.

    An issue with him getting help is that he doesn't care about anyone or anything therefore he can't care to do anything about it. At least it's an improvement on not wanting to accept he's depressed.

    He probably won't end up in hospital because he's pretty scared of it but then he's also not a harm to himself or others. He also used to be scared of meds and he's alot more chill about it but nothing is happening.
  12. Croix
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    1 July 2019 in reply to Deja Vu

    Dear Deja Vu~

    If he is not a danger to himself or others then there is less chance of hospital I guess, though it can do good sometimes even so.

    I do have to admire your strenght and determination, he is very lucky to have you.

    Maybe his attitude to medications and therapy will bend enough for him to start in the good times, when he is down it does not sound as if it is at all likely.

    Please let us know how you are going

    Croix

    Croix

  13. TJD16
    TJD16 avatar
    3 posts
    3 July 2019 in reply to Deja Vu
    I am in the same situation as you however my partner admits that he does love me but he needs to like or even love himself first as he is ashamed of the man he has become. It has been a very confusing time he pushes me away then comes back only to push me away again. When his life is too busy he struggles to find time for himself and feels like he is being pushed and pulled in all different directions. I suppose me wanting to be there for him has only added to the pressure he feels. He has been having dark thoughts and a lot of self hatred and he can't switch off his mind. No matter how many times I speak with him and say hey maybe go see a Dr there may be something causing you to feel like this he won't and I can't force him. I have no idea what to do. We have not had contact for a week and a half now with his latest lash out at me telling me will you just .... off. So I left his house to have no contact since. I do love him and care about him deeply however I feel if I reach out to him I will only be adding more pressure. I have spoken to some of his family briefly about his state of mind. When he goes through these stages he binge drinks heavily and I cannot be around him as we fight. The last episode this bad resulted in him getting done for DUI, cheatonf on me and breaking up for 4 months. His recent behaviours have brought back that hurt and I know I need to get past that if we have any sort of future
  14. Deja Vu
    Deja Vu avatar
    30 posts
    8 July 2019 in reply to TJD16

    Croix,
    Thank you. I will keep this updated.
    So far he has been gone for a month and a week.
    An issue with him starting anything in the good times is that they're short and only happen maybe once a month. In these moments of clarity, there are days where he's his old self again but the depression still comes out in other days. So he might be 50% happy and then that might derail. And then it's just 100% miserable and then he sometimes "disappears" just like he did the last 2 times he "disappeared".

    I think it might be because he thinks he is unworthy or a burden. He's said hurtful things because of his depression and that might him think that "all I do is hurt others. I'm worthless and a failure". And I think the fear of hurting me might have scared him out of talking with me especially that he's said things that one of the reasons why he disappeared was because he didn't want to dump anything on me. But if he's not scared of hurting me, I know he does think he is worthless and a failure.

    TJD16,
    My bf has told me that it's very hard to love someone when you're miserable.
    I think my bf just like your partner is ashamed of what he's become. I don't know how he feels but he probably feels guilty.
    My bf pushes against me when I suggest he should do anything about his mental health. He went to the doctor and he got a prescription and that was that. My bf has accepted he's depressed in the last few months which is good.
    I'm really sorry that I can't give you advice since I'm also lost and confused. It definitely worth visiting a therapist or something in that vein.
    My bf also can't switch off his mind and that's one of the reasons why he stops talking to me as he can't handle socialising with someone while the brain is going crazy.
    My bf doesn't binge drink and I'm glad he hasnt touched alcohol because I'd be scared he'd end up with a drinking problem. He does smoke a lot of pot and sometimes it makes me worry but better pot than alcohol or other drugs.


    I've also been realising how significantly the depression has affected his personality, his humor and interests/passions. I never noticed before since it was gradual but now everything has stagnated. His humor has stagnated. Usually when you loose interests or passions, you gain some to replace them, well he hasn't gained anything. He has no drive anymore. He's not full of life like he used to be. The depression has sucked everything good out of him.

  15. Croix
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    10 July 2019 in reply to Deja Vu

    Dear Deja Vu~

    My responses will be slower for the next couple of weeks, no reflection on you whatsoever

    you said

    The depression has sucked everything good out of him.

    Not true, at least in my case. The underlying me was masked and overlaid by depression, it was all still there, the humor, love, energy and all. Very hard for me to realize this at the time, in fact impossible. And yes, I greatly feared hurting others, dragging them down with me or condemning them to a life of misery becuse of me.

    So I think you have a pretty sensible grasp of his thought processes, it is simply getting treatment that is the tumbling block

    Croix

  16. Deja Vu
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    30 posts
    15 July 2019 in reply to Croix
    No worries,

    I still can't help but feeling hurt. I know he's isolating himself since he's severly depressed but it makes me feel like he is ignoring me and that makes me feel hurt and betrayed. I know he's not doing it with maelovent intent and that the non depressed version of him would never act this way and if he were happy, he'd come right back and want me in his life again. I feel like I'm missing out on valuable time with him but there is no time to miss since he's severly depressed but his birthday is coming up and our anniversary is coming up and he's going to get his first tattoo and I'd like to be in his life around then. I am scared that it is going to become 2 months or 3 months but I can't do anything about it.

    I know he's not doing this with bad intentions and I have a rational understanding of whats going on. Last time this happened, there was a text saying he'll be around again in a few days but this time there hasnt been and its nearly been a month and a half. I'm scared that this could drag out even longer. I still don't have a rational understanding of why I make him feel like shit apart from "don't take it personally, that's just the depression speaking". I know i'm not a toxic person because I'm just a normal person and he says I'm a sweetheart when he's happy.
    Even though what I just wrote about sounds miserable, I've been doing alright and I've been doing pretty good. I just needed a little vent.

    What i said with the sucked out part, it was bad wording. But you're right. It's like a big smothering blanket on the good stuff, the good stuff is still there but its so smothered it seems like its gone. And then you stand up and the blanket falls off and then voila the good stuff again and he's happy again. Then the blanket is back for another few weeks.

    If there was a button I could press that could get him treatment or make him do something about, i'd press it. I genuinely don't know if anything is going to happen with the treatment. I just want him to be happy and alright.

    I also can't help but worrying that he is doing this in an attempt to end the relationship via ghosting. I highly doubt he's doing it. Even if he is doing it (he's done it before and only when depressed), I know he's going to come back when he's not depressed anymore. And that he'll love me again and everything will be alright.
  17. Croix
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    15 July 2019 in reply to Deja Vu

    Dear Deja Vu~

    Perhaps I misunderstand but it seems to me you are too accepting. You understand the process and I agree, it does not sound like ghosting.

    When depression had me in its grip there was no room in my my mind for anything other than the depressive thoughts, and any intrusion on them was an overload, and met often -sadly -by anger, or else by putting the person off, wihtdrawing.

    You have been together for over three years now I think, and he has spent a sizable proportion of that time withdrawn and away. Unfortunately there does not seem to be any light at the end of the tunnel.

    True, there are good times, and this is what you are hopeing for when he is away, but to think that when he does return those good times will -this time - last is probably not very realistic.

    He really does need competent medical help to get out of this seemingly permanent cycle and all I can do is ask you waht you think might have the most chance of doing this?

    Croix

  18. Deja Vu
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    30 posts
    15 July 2019 in reply to Croix

    Yea sometimes I think there is no light but other times I am very optimistic about it. I guess thinking positive stuff about it makes it seem less hopeless since as you said, It's a permanent cycle. Rationally I know its a permanent cycle and it can't stop randomly overnight. But thinking thoughts along the lines of "everything is going to be okay in the end, don't worry" are better thoughts that I'd rather be thinking instead of doom and gloom thoughts.
    I know that when he has these moments of clarity that they won't last.

    What would break the cycle would be therapy or therapy + meds. Something has to happen for both of our sakes. Hopefully it just passes naturally or something but I doubt it. I really doubt it.

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