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Topic: Help needed

  1. Unsure77
    Unsure77 avatar
    144 posts
    13 July 2021

    Hi

    i recently walked out on my bi polar fiancé as it got abusive and nasty. I wish I had read Tony's post about the cuppa before doing so, I'm not a confrontational person at all, the is sure I cheated on her which I didn't as she contacted the person and was told the same thing, but still didn't believe either us. She told me she loved me and things would change every time I went back but never did. The last time I went back she hit me again so I walked. It's been nearly three weeks now I haven't heard from her. Her family hate me as they all think I cheated on her, she has told them I am a compulsive liar. I love and miss her so much.

    have I made the right decision by leaving, not that I think I will ever see or hear from her again. She is all I have thought about since I left.

  2. Here2Talk
    Here2Talk avatar
    276 posts
    13 July 2021 in reply to Unsure77
    Hi Unsure. Sorry to hear things are difficult at the moment. Sounds like you love her very much. It’s hard when someone is abusive towards you.
  3. Unsure77
    Unsure77 avatar
    144 posts
    13 July 2021 in reply to Here2Talk

    Hi here2talk

    I do love her very much but my actions by walking hasn't shown that, but it's hard when she doesn't take her medication and now she doesn't trust me at all

  4. Guest9337
    Guest9337 avatar
    1001 posts
    13 July 2021 in reply to Unsure77

    G'day Unsure77,

    Love can survive much, but it can hold us in painful situations too.

    Walking away from being hit again is a very loving thing to do.

    Hitting a loved one hurts both people usually.

    Walking away is also an expression of loving yourself enough to avoid harm.

    2 people found this helpful
  5. Unsure77
    Unsure77 avatar
    144 posts
    13 July 2021 in reply to Guest9337

    Hi David n Goliath

    I understand what your saying, but I feel terrible for leaving her when she probably needed me most.

  6. Guest9337
    Guest9337 avatar
    1001 posts
    13 July 2021 in reply to Unsure77

    Hi Unsure77, thanks for your understanding. Even a burnt bridge can be rebuilt.

    She may benefit from any help you could provide from a safe distance/place or with somebody else present.

    eg. Can you safely show her the beyond blue Bipolar disorder webpage?

    Could you text/email her a link to that page?

    Extending an olive branch in that safe way might help her by showing her you care. At least you will feel less terrible for having tried.

    You may come up with a better idea along similar lines...

    If you wanted to show full commitment to restoration you could send flowers with a heart felt letter that included gentle direction to aforementioned bb webpage, or similar.

    good luck, dng

    1 person found this helpful
  7. Unsure77
    Unsure77 avatar
    144 posts
    13 July 2021 in reply to Unsure77
    I was reading some other posts very similar to my experience, I also got blamed for everything never said the right things and had all my answers turned twisted and turned on me, it completely broke me I had never felt so useless and down in my life. Again like what others have said she said I make her feel worthless, I don't love her and I don't put her on a pedi stool. I just sat there with no reply either looking at her or the floor while she ripped me. But again I loved and still love her so much, I wish I could have been more resilient and still be with her to do more.
    1 person found this helpful
  8. Unsure77
    Unsure77 avatar
    144 posts
    13 July 2021 in reply to Guest9337

    Hi dng

    id love to but a week after I left she cleared the house and I don't know where she is or have a number for her.

    1 person found this helpful
  9. Unsure77
    Unsure77 avatar
    144 posts
    13 July 2021 in reply to Guest9337

    Also when I have tried emailing saying that I love and miss her I get not so nice replies from the family saying how much I destroyed her and how much she loved me. I know she wasn't taking her medication for the last couple of months even though I asked her to. She thinks I cheated on her which I didn't. Says she has evidence but wouldn't show me. Towards the end I even started to believe I did.

  10. Here2Talk
    Here2Talk avatar
    276 posts
    14 July 2021 in reply to Unsure77

    Wise words by David and Goliath. It’s hard to tell what the future will hold...

    Your fiancée was diagnosed with bipolar and on medication, was she having any psychotherapy as well?

    2 people found this helpful
  11. Unsure77
    Unsure77 avatar
    144 posts
    14 July 2021 in reply to Here2Talk
    She stopped taking her medication about two or so months ago, that's when things started to get bad. But refused to see a therapist aswell thought she had it under control
  12. Unsure77
    Unsure77 avatar
    144 posts
    14 July 2021 in reply to Unsure77
    We went to see a couples therapist once and I was made to look like the worst partner possible even though I was feeling that way because she was so upset and depressed and angry.
  13. Unsure77
    Unsure77 avatar
    144 posts
    17 July 2021 in reply to Unsure77

    I miss my fiancé so much everyday seems to get harder and harder. I just wish I was more resilient to the anger and violence and she would beleive that I didn't cheat on her. I also know if I try contact her I will more than likely loose my family and friends and potentially never see my kids again.

    What do I do?

  14. Guest9337
    Guest9337 avatar
    1001 posts
    17 July 2021 in reply to Unsure77

    Morning Unsure77.

    I read you're finding days increasingly harder.

    No matter how resilient you are, if it keeps getting harder, things will crash - lets avoid that!

    My violent father would say "Clear the air son, let 'em have it."

    I still agree with that as the way towards building resilience, the acknowledgment that "this is enough!".

    What do we do?

    Examine alternatives, think/feel about each one. Put our heart in the right place and act. Observe, reassess and refine going forward.

    Don't Panic! That's a Douglas Adams quote from HitchHikers Guide to the Galaxy fyi.

    1 person found this helpful
  15. Unsure77
    Unsure77 avatar
    144 posts
    17 July 2021 in reply to Guest9337

    Morning dng

    i have a letter I have written her but I only want her to see it not her children, I want her to know that things would have been different if she had believed me. I left for my own safety but I'm so miserable and lost without her I just don't know what to do.

  16. Sophie_M
    Community Moderator
    • Works for beyondblue moderating these forums
    Sophie_M avatar
    5949 posts
    17 July 2021 in reply to Unsure77
    Hi Unsure77,

    We are so sorry to hear that you are feeling miserable and lost, it sounds like you are in a very difficult situation right now. We understand that this must be very overwhelming, so please know that you never have to go through this alone, and support is always here for you.

    If you would like to talk to someone we would recommend that you get in contact with the Beyond Blue Support Service. They are available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 1pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport  One of our friendly counsellors will be able to talk through these feelings with you and can offer support, advice and referrals.

    We also strongly urge that in overwhelming moments you get in touch with our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).

    Please feel free to keep reaching out here on your thread whenever you feel up to it.
    1 person found this helpful
  17. Guest9337
    Guest9337 avatar
    1001 posts
    17 July 2021 in reply to Unsure77

    Yo Unsure77. I'll put up options as I see them if you like, feel free to ignore or even report my post, or feedback 2 me.

    u have letter. dont want her children to see.

    do want her to know things could be different if she believes.

    u left for safety, r miserable and lost now.

    confused.

    ****

    That's some courageous stuff to confront... options...

    1. give her the letter without any conditions. she could show her kids or not as she chooses.

    2. write at the top of the letter "private and confidential for HER eyes only"

    3. edit the current letter, so that it shows only what u are comfortable the kids also seeing.

    4. keep being safe. so if you hand the letter over personally u need an ally there.

    5. could post the letter OR, have the letter couriered to HER and only acceptable by her, needing her signature on it. Couriers do that kind of stuff all the time fyi.

    6. what things/stuff outside of HER, used to inspire you, or used to make you happy or content?

    7. options I/we haven't thought of yet.

    1 person found this helpful
  18. Unsure77
    Unsure77 avatar
    144 posts
    17 July 2021 in reply to Guest9337

    Thanks dng

    rhey are very confronting things for me to get through at the moment and your post is helpful, I have sent the letter via signature needed. I guess I wait for a reply or hope she even reads it.

    thankyou for your help

    1 person found this helpful
  19. Guest9337
    Guest9337 avatar
    1001 posts
    17 July 2021 in reply to Unsure77

    you're most welcome. Do you want to chat about anything else or delve deeper? or...

    dng

    1 person found this helpful
  20. Unsure77
    Unsure77 avatar
    144 posts
    17 July 2021 in reply to Guest9337
    I am worried about a response, I didn't see my kids for about 4 months and I'm just starting to see them again which is great but my ex wife is being very difficult now because of all of this with my now ex fiancé . I am afraid if things work out with my fiancé I will loose my kids again, not just that I'm not convinced my fiancé will take her medication talk to a therapist and nothing will change.
    1 person found this helpful
  21. Guest9337
    Guest9337 avatar
    1001 posts
    17 July 2021 in reply to Unsure77

    Good spotting the cause of your worry. You are waiting on a response.

    Fantastic to acknowledge that its great to be seeing your kids again for 4 months.

    Afraid of resolving with ex wife. Risking loosing kids again.

    Unconvinced fiance will take meds/talk with therapist. Nothing change.

    ****

    You pack in the feelings into your posts, very deep writing, thanks mate!

    I could randomly pick any one of those, or have you pick one. Which one needs the most work for you?...

    1. Seeing causes of worry...

    2. Being great with seeing your kids...

    3. Resolving with wife, in such a way to avoid losing 3 too.

    4. Convincing fiance to take meds and see therapist.

    Are you hoping that if your ex fiance takes her meds and sees therapist she will then also take you back?

    1 person found this helpful
  22. Unsure77
    Unsure77 avatar
    144 posts
    17 July 2021 in reply to Guest9337
    I am hoping she takes her meds and speaks to a therapist and maybe takes me back. I know I will loose me kids and friends. I always thought she was my soul mate from the start .
    1 person found this helpful
  23. Guest9337
    Guest9337 avatar
    1001 posts
    17 July 2021 in reply to Unsure77

    So cool man I see that soulmate connection. It's nice to feel hopeful but sometimes it turns sour.

    Are you in control of her taking the meds? Nope. So your hoping for something out of ur control.

    Likewise therapist. That kind of hope is associated with hopelessness metacognitively.

    There are things u can do to work towards increase chances that she takes you back. Options list them... please...

    If we put aside every one elses actions and responses to us... What exact actions can you do to improve your chances of keeping contact with your kids.

    I imagine you'll work very hard to keep a soul mate. I have epic ups and downs with my wife over 15 years... even unto me leaving for a few days, or her looking up divorce processes. So I hear ya.

    1 person found this helpful
  24. Unsure77
    Unsure77 avatar
    144 posts
    17 July 2021 in reply to Guest9337

    Your right dng I can't make her take her meds or see a therapist I guess I could say if she does want this to work she has to do those things otherwise it's not going too. This is of course if I get a response from the letter. I know when she cleaned out the house she kept a few bits of clothing of mine, not sure if that was to be for remembering me or not.

    I can send her flowers if I know where she is at or I get her new number.

    as for the kids they would be very disappointed in me as I have gone back several times and ended up hurt every time. She has generally taken my phone from me as for control so I can't keep in contact with them.

    there is a lot saying don't go back to her bit my heart tells me so much different, I can't stand to be apart from her. This has been the hardest longest 3 weeks of my life it's consuming me.

    1 person found this helpful
  25. Unsure77
    Unsure77 avatar
    144 posts
    17 July 2021 in reply to Guest9337
    Im not sure how this works with people with bi polar but will she ever believe I didn't cheat on her if she goes back on her medication and will she ever trust me again? Or once they are convinced something has happened it will never change?
  26. Guest9337
    Guest9337 avatar
    1001 posts
    17 July 2021 in reply to Unsure77

    Hey Unsure77, I just reached another feeling about your situation because of a particular bit of info I see.

    "She has generally taken my phone from me as for control so I can't keep in contact with them."

    That is one of the very powerful warning signs of abusive behaviour. Isolating people is known technique of domestic violence perpetrators.

    If that phone is your only contact with your kids, you NEED it back big time! Like go the the POLICE kind of big time!

    I'm still here mate... all day.

    1 person found this helpful
  27. Unsure77
    Unsure77 avatar
    144 posts
    17 July 2021 in reply to Guest9337
    I went through three phones going back to her. It never changed. That's what worried about trying to get back with her if nothing changes
  28. Guest9337
    Guest9337 avatar
    1001 posts
    17 July 2021 in reply to Unsure77

    No wonder you are so unsure about going back, you are essentially going back into a DV situation.

    I'd be unsure about that too, armouring right up, reaching out to allies, having a escape solution, having specific objectives about going back.

    Detailed hard core plans. DV is not something to face alone.

    So do you want me to look at your situation from that point of view, ie. finding a way to reconnect with a violent and isolating person who is keeping my children away from me?

    We can aim for that if you want.

    1 person found this helpful
  29. Unsure77
    Unsure77 avatar
    144 posts
    17 July 2021 in reply to Guest9337
    We can do dng I also lost my employees because of her. This is why I continually ask myself why I still love her and want her so much. She also accused me of gas lighting her and her family.
  30. Guest9337
    Guest9337 avatar
    1001 posts
    17 July 2021 in reply to Unsure77

    You must love her very much to want to do this. ok. I love a person who abused me too.

    First, I'm pretty confident everything we've already gone over still stands. Metacognition is going to guide the way forward.

    We have to layer things. And this will be tough extensive work. DV is highly risky.

    If getting back with HER definitely means losing contact with your kids - like just straight accepting that and breaking off - do you want that? Or will u be ok with negotiating about it.

    So if HER says, u can never contact them again if you want to be with me? Is that goodbye or ok?

    but if instead there is negotiation open then consider the following...

    How little contact with my children is going to be acceptable to HER?

    HER might say, phone them for xmas and birthdays. or whatever... Have a think about those options what might they be, prepare to examine metacognitively how you feel about each answer.

    What do you discover?

    1 person found this helpful

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