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Forums / Supporting family and friends with a mental health condition (carers) / How to help my partner when she pushes me away.

Topic: How to help my partner when she pushes me away.

5 posts, 0 answered
  1. Tommorri
    Tommorri avatar
    3 posts
    24 April 2018

    Hi everyone, I have never reached out like this before but I really need help.

    My partner of 4 years has recently told me she wants space and it was devastating to hear it' been 2 weeks and I have moved out to give her space.

    A bit of a back story we had are a gorgeous little boy a year ago and the months after her father passed away. I always though she was such a strong woman for how she coped with it but now it's hit her bad with depression.

    AT the start she said she resented me and now she tells me she finds it easier to push me away instead of dealing with her depression. She still says she loves me but says it' hard to tell me because its hard.

    I want to be there for her and always tell her that I love her and I'm here every step of the way to help her through this hard time but she it so closed of to me.

    What can I do to help? Keep reassring her that I'm there or step back more I don' know! All I want is to see her happy again but she won' let me in. She says she doesn't know how to be happy anymore and I try to get her out to do things but still tells me it' easier to sit at home and do nothing.

    I' sure you have all heard this before but all I want is to be there for her and see her smile again!

    1 person found this helpful
  2. stormcloudz
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    stormcloudz avatar
    341 posts
    24 April 2018 in reply to Tommorri

    Hi Tommorri

    Yes, there are things you can do. But it's a slow process and will take patience. There's lots of people on this forum who are wiser than me but here's some ideas:

    1. Look after yourself. I know this sounds strange, but it's really important to look after yourself when your partner has depression. It's important not to get dragged down, or to lose a sense of yourself. Make a list of supportive people and activities that you enjoy, and deliberately get out and do them. Keep your own positive joy in the world, and your perspective. It will help you help her.

    2. Try to get some support for yourself around depression. It can be really helpful to understand the issue better, and talk to others. There are a couple of carers organisations though I'm not sure if they still have support groups. This forum has a carers section, and there is a thread called "being there for someone who pushes you away" that has good ideas.

    3. See if you can gently encourage her to get some help:

    - Provide her with a list of emergency and online support (there's a good list on this website). She may seem to ignore it, but you never know if she might call someone when you are not around. Print it out, she won't have the energy to look it up.

    - If she is willing to go to the GP, help her get there. GPs are the gateway to treatment for depression and can provide referrals etc. Some are better/more experienced than others, so it might help to ring and check them out, or meet with them yourself first.

    Sometimes someone who is depressed or anxious pushes others away because they fear they will just harm the other person and spread the pain (that's another reason it's good to look after yourself). Sometimes it's because they feel they are no good, and are testing this theory by seeing if you walk away. It's really hard to know, but it's worth asking her.

    Assuming you want to stay in the relationship, my guess would be - don't back off further. Stay connected, but safe/healthy, give her a little space but be a consistent supportive presence.

    I hope that is a little useful - I'm a bit tired so apologies in advance. I am making suggestions without knowing much about you, so this may not suit your situation.

    Just wanted you to know that we understand how hard it is, and the anxiety that you are going through.

    2 people found this helpful
  3. Tommorri
    Tommorri avatar
    3 posts
    25 April 2018 in reply to stormcloudz

    Thank you for the reply I feel I'm doing all the right things besides looking after myself I just find it so hard and frustrating when all you want to do is look after her.

    I will do my best to look after myself!

    I have been living at my dad's while she wants space but I get frustrated that she is not doing the things she said she wanted space for.

    Many have suggsted that I love back home as I have been finding it hastd to sleep away from home and give her space from there. Any thoughts on this?

    Ttanks again for all the suppot.

  4. stormcloudz
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    stormcloudz avatar
    341 posts
    25 April 2018 in reply to Tommorri

    Tommorri

    Good on you for looking after yourself.

    I hear your frustration and uncertainty. Let me have a think and get back to you - at least some thoughts based on my experience.

    1 person found this helpful
  5. Tommorri
    Tommorri avatar
    3 posts
    26 April 2018 in reply to stormcloudz

    Thank you for your help

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