Birdy and Croix have provided really helpful, compassionate and insightful posts. I do want you to know I care and want what's best for you at this obviously scary and problematic time.
I began to comprehend my existence in other people's lives better, when I accepted that each one is an individual in their own right just as I am.
We all cope as best as we can and try to help others along the way. Some suffer with guilt etc, but some don't. I'm one of those people now; I never used to be, but learning how debilitating it is to never quite feel I've helped 'enough' forced me to change my attitude.
The other thing is 'enabling'. There are people that suck the life out of us using 'feel sorry for me' excuses and con's because it's just so bloody hard! Most times I think because it's habitual.
When we bend over backwards for these people, we're promoting their addiction to outside support instead of their own sense of survival, growth and accomplishment.
Do you understand what I'm getting at? Sometimes 'we're' the problem. We can be just as addicted to supporting people as they can be using us. Actually, it can be a match made in heaven for some.
I had to step back from my son to allow him space to learn from adversity. He's a better man for it and has thanked me.
I'm not saying this applies to your son at this time as it's a scary situation. But your DIL needs to fall a couple of times to learn how to get up. That's how we did it yes?
Why then do we expect more from ourselves than 'them'? We're all equally accountable for our lives, so why do you suffer guilt when loved one's 'fall'? It's a very important facet of life and learning.
I'm going to leave things there ok. I look forward to hearing your views on these issues. I'm sorry too if I've phrased things a bit iffy; I've been awake all night and it's after 5am; the brain's only working on one cylinder.
Go gently with kindness towards yourself ok...