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Join the online community Community rules Coping during the Coronavirus outbreak

Topic: Lost husband

5 posts, 0 answered
  1. Mamalife
    Mamalife  avatar
    3 posts
    17 May 2021
    My husband has been struggling over the last couple of years. We had a fairly major family tragedy that he just can’t seem to get past. He did acknowledge a few months ago that he wasn’t being his best self and got some help (medication and therapy) but I’m concerned that his medication is no longer working however I have approached him about this and he says that he is fine despite myself and others being able to clearly see that he isn’t himself. Does anyone have any ideas on how I can convince him to at least speak to the doctor about it?
  2. geoff
    Life Member
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    geoff avatar
    15291 posts
    17 May 2021 in reply to Mamalife

    Hello Mamalife, and a warm welcome, I'm sorry your post hasn't been replied to, but I've found out from my own days, that as soon as someone says says 'they're fine', usually indicates there may be a problem because we tend to deny how we actually feel and say it only because we want other people to believe that everything is OK, this can be far from the truth.

    Admitting to a problem is the first step to begin to feel better, and there is nothing wrong in wanting this.

    I know it's best for him to have his medication reviewed by his doctor, the trouble is getting him there, but perhaps you could make an appointment for him and encourage him to visit his GP and suggest you can go with him if that's what he needs, or wait in the waiting room until he has finished with the doctor.

    Another option is to suggest that his doctor has been asking how he is coping with what has, unfortunately, happened in the past and would like to just have a chat, even though he believes he is coping, it's only a checkup.

    The best part is that he has admitted he is not feeling his best a few months ago, remind him of this and explain that he's not showing much improvement and that his medication may need to be changed.

    I feel very sorry for both of you because I've plus been in, along with many others in the same position and know that it's most unpleasant, but need to accept that help is around the corner.

    This family tragedy has obviously created a dark pattern for him and only hope we can be of some assistance because I suffered in denial for far too long before I accepted I needed help.

    We hope you can get back to us because this is very important to help your husband.

    My best wishes.

    Geoff.

  3. Mamalife
    Mamalife  avatar
    3 posts
    17 May 2021 in reply to geoff

    Thank you for getting back to me. He seems to think he’s “not himself” because he’s sick at the moment (common cold) and he’s also very busy at work but he did agree that when he’s well and the work thing gets less busy (about two weeks) if I’m still noticing it he would go to the doctor. Although I get the impression he just said that to stop me talking about it.

    the thing that has made me most concerned at the moment is our kids. He has been a pretty shoddy husband on and off over the years and recently he said he doesn’t love me anymore he doesn’t think but no matter what he’s always been the best dad anyone could ask for. And now he is really ambivalent toward the kids. One of them has ended up in hospital and usually wild horses couldn’t stop him being there and he’s not (work apparently) but not only that he hasn’t even really been checking in on how he is - saying he would call me back to discuss what was happening and then not etc. I’ve tried telling him it’s not really like him but he’s very “well I can’t do anything can I” which is very unlike how he would usually be.

  4. SapereAude
    blueVoices member
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    SapereAude avatar
    130 posts
    18 May 2021 in reply to Mamalife

    Hi Mamalife,

    Thanks for reaching out over the forum. Definitely not an easy thing to do.

    Sorry to hear that things are so tough at the moment with your husband and the family tragedy. It sounds like your husband is becoming withdrawn from the family which to me makes the situation more urgent.

    Could you call his Dr and express your concerns and perhaps the Dr can call your husband wanting to do a basic health check up and review his medicine.

    Hope your husband can get the help he needs and that your family life becomes happier.

    Take care.

  5. geoff
    Life Member
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    geoff avatar
    15291 posts
    21 May 2021 in reply to Mamalife

    Hello Mamalife, when anybody suddenly develops some type of depression then their personality changes to a person who is not the one you have known, their ability to help around with the numerous chores of the house, and their interest in the kids and wanting to help out with them, simply disappears because of this awful illness and we tend to blame them.

    Sometimes this is feasible and other times it's perplexing because we can't understand why all of a sudden they have changed and any reasons that are given don't seem to be a valid reason because to us, there seems to be a simple way to avoid this situation, but to a sufferer, it's not that easy.

    When a partner and/or spouse are concerned about the person they love, they want to try and understand why this change has occurred, so questions are asked, but we have to be careful how and when we ask these questions because normally the person concerned doesn't have any answers and doesn't like to be asked all the time.

    Once the person wants to open up and begin talking, let them have the floor, because as soon as we begin to argue with them, they will of all a sudden close up and refrain from talking, so it's a delicate situation we are faced with.

    Best wishes.

    Geoff.

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