Hi, I'm looking for advice on a stressful situation. My father has narcissistic personality disorder (not officially diagnosed, just obvious), and has controlled and manipulated people all his life. He is now 87, and losing his memory. Sometimes he can't remember to cook, he leaves the stove on, and can't remember what he needed at the shops.

His partner of more than 10 years is suddenly leaving him, selling the house they live in and taking everything, threatening to leave him on the street. I can't blame her for that, but he needs care and she's too angry with him to help organise it. The path of least resistance for her is also to just accept it when he says he's fine to live alone and doesn't need her. He currently needs somewhere to live, but will not admit he needs help. He gets extremely angry when the topic is discussed, I've tried to raise it several times and he hangs up on me and tells me not to call or visit. Then he forgets we had the conversation, but each time I try he has the same reaction. I don't believe he can or will ever admit he needs help as that would be admitting weakness. He tells people he's cured cancer in several people and has constant delusions of grandeur.

We had a NSW aged care person visit, but he lied to them about how capable he was and they believed him. I called them to fill them in but they said without his consent they can't organise any care for him.

I'm worried he'll go to live on this own, not remember to pay his bills, leave the stove on or forget to cook and either have an accident or get sick and decline further. He doesn't have any money, can't save it (he spends compulsively) and doesn't have any friends. I don't live anywhere near him and travel a lot and can't help much, also for my own survival I'd rather stay low contact or no contact. He left my mum and our family over 20 years ago, but there is no-one else to look out for him.

Thanks for any help.

Dear WD101~

Welcome here, I think your father is lucky to have you concerned about him under the circumstantiates.

It is a fact of life that some people reach the stage in life where they can no longer look after themselves while others remain in control throughout their lives.

A few years ago we had a somewhat similar situation to yours, believing a family member was no longer capable of living alone. An ACAT (name varies from state to state) team came out and did an assessment. Like your father this person said that living alone was not a problem. I think this was said basically because the person did not realist how affected memory had become. In addition there was some issues with falls.

Another family member was there during the assessment and was able to take the team around the premises pointing out areas of neglect. Actually the team were quite impressive, asking questions such as "Did you do washing this week?" - when it was obvious the laundry had not been touched for ages.

As a result of the visit the family member was deemed suitable for care.

I have no real solution to your father's situation other than to suggest you keep plugging away, One assessment by one person is not the end of the road.

Croix

Thanks Croix for your response. It was ACAT that did the first visit and believed what he told them, but I called them and filled them in and I'm pushing them to send a geriatrician for another visit as soon as they can. Otherwise we might have to wait until he is living alone and it's more apparent that he can't cope, as his partner has been picking up the slack and cooking and cleaning. It's complicated by the fact he insists he's ok, and won't let anyone access his information like bank statements to show him that he can't afford rent. I guess it will come to a head one way or another, once he tries to put in a rental application and they need the documents.
I'm finding it a bit traumatic when he rages in anger at me for trying to help, even though I know he has a mental illness and I try to step back from it all. Too much history there for me. I think an independent 3rd person would be better at this!
Thanks for your words of support and shared experience.

Dear WD101~

I think you are right both about having to wait until circumstances change, and more importantly that a 3rd party would be best. I've found that when someone starts to loose their faculties it is upsetting enough without anger on top. I've tried to remind myself the person I knew for so many years is not the person in front of me, not always wiht success.

So if you can get someone else involved, even if only to accompany you, that could relieve a lot of pressure.

Croix