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Topic: Need help to support my wife

5 posts, 0 answered
  1. Maxandrews
    Maxandrews avatar
    2 posts
    7 May 2017

    Hi

    i am newly married (9 months) and I need help in helping my wife. She suffers anxiety and for the most part of our relationship I have been ignorant to this. I would take her outbursts as anger issues and would (still do) inflame situations by arguing back and being just as nasty with my words. We had a big avoidable fight today and this has made me start reading much more into anxiety and understanding that she is a silent sufferer. Her whole immediate and extended family suffer anxiety or depression and she has been a main support for them over the years. It's taken me a while to realise she is also suffering.

    I want to be able to help. I know she won't see someone at this point in time, but I'd like to build trust with her first and hopefully in time help her to seek professional help. but I need help myself, big time! What are some coping methods I could use when in a situation looking to turn ugly? I have tried walking away, staying silent, arguing back, ignoring. Nothing help, and I know my approach is wrong. Can someone help with some practical advise in how I can get better that this? At this point I fear our marriage is at risk. I find this situation difficult to deal with as I'm helpless

    thank you

  2. blondguy
    Life Member
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    blondguy avatar
    11374 posts
    7 May 2017 in reply to Maxandrews

    Hi Max

    Welcome to the forums and good on you for posting too!

    Firstly if I can thank you for having the caring heart to post here. Ive had chronic anxiety for many years and it is a dark place to be in and understand where you are coming from.

    The best tip I can provide now is to scroll down this page and under 'The Facts' you will find the Anxiety/Depression check list that you can have a look at to get a a rough idea of whats happening.

    Saying you need help is very strong as many guys will sweep it under a rug and think they can deal with it...it rarely works.

    The other important info is to have a look at Supporting someone with anxiety/depression...(link below for you)

    www.beyondblue.org.au/the-facts/supporting-someone/supporting-someone-with-depression-or-anxiety

    I have a family member that has similar issues that you have mentioned as per your wife's situation. I have been on here since Jan 2016 and cannot get her to see anyone with her anxiety either. Ive had to back away as I cant help her.....even as a volunteer on Beyond Blue

    Anxiety disorder can take a long time to heal especially if the person refuses any help or seeing their GP to start the recovery process.

    In the meantime Max.....your health is paramount as caring for someone with anxiety can be a huge drain on you..your well being and even your work.

    Can you offer to go with your wife to a GP for a visit to discuss the issues? (The best course of action)

    Can I ask you Max if your wife has been diagnosed with anxiety?

    If she has been diagnosed....just keep giving her all the space she needs.....Your approach is spot on Max. Even if you see your GP and have a chat about whats happening it will be invaluable where your own health is concerned

    There are many gentle people on the forums that can be here for you Max. If you any questions I really hope you can post back and ask us :-)

    The forums are a judgement free zone Max. They are also a safe place for you to say what you wish too!

    my best for you

    Paul

  3. Blue Jane
    Champion Alumni
    • Community champion volunteers who are not currently active on the forums.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Blue Jane avatar
    195 posts
    7 May 2017 in reply to Maxandrews

    Hi Max

    Welcome to our forums. Thanks for taking the time to share what is going on with you.

    Firstly it is great that you are on the front foot with supporting your wife. Getting advice and working together through her illness means there is more chance that your marriage will be full of understanding and open communication.

    The resources which Paul mentions above are great and you will read that you are already onto many of the suggestions. I believe it is really important that you have an outlet to share how you are feeling. That outlet can be friends, family, a psychologist, counsellor or our forums - or possibly a combination of these things.

    My husband suffers from depression and early on in our relationship we had a few stumbling blocks in understanding how to work with each other. I suffer from anxiety so if we were both going through a rough patch it was hard. We have seen a counsellor together and that helped us understand where each other is coming from. We have been married for two years now and our relationship is getting stronger as time goes on.

    Please share how things go, it will take time to make progress but you will get there. Thinking of you both.

    Blue Jane

  4. Maxandrews
    Maxandrews avatar
    2 posts
    3 October 2021 in reply to Blue Jane
    How sad, I've logged in 4 years later and my problems are worse. Re-reading my old post, its like it could have been today. Nothing actually works, or maybe im not the guy to make things happen.
  5. geoff
    Life Member
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    geoff avatar
    16254 posts
    4 October 2021 in reply to Maxandrews

    Hello Maxandrews, I'm sorry you don't feel any better, and if I could say, sometimes when you're still locked into this position it's so difficult 'you couldn't see the forest for the trees', in other words, you're too involved in the details of a problem to look at the situation as a whole, please think about this and get back if you want to.

    Geoff.

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