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Topic: Seperate Father of 3 Feeling Guilty

3 posts, 0 answered
  1. Jane1980
    Jane1980 avatar
    5 posts
    28 July 2020

    Hi Everyone,

    My 40 year old brother has been seperate from his wife for nearly 2 years now. They have 3 kids together, & he feels really guilty that they’re now from a “broken home”

    I received a call for help from him tonight, & found him crying on the couch. He is very “old school” & is heartbroken his marriage ended. Mum & I have tried to explain to him that his kids are healthy & happy, & that it’s very common for parents to seperate, but in his words “it’s Just not right, They should have their mum & dad together”

    He has the kids 3 nights & 2 dinners a fortnight.

    We didn’t know at the time, but he’s had depression for over 10 years, & it started coming to light when his kids were born (He had 3 under 5)

    Unfortunately he took to drinking to help cope & ultimately it was the cause of his marriage breakup.

    He has a psychiatrist, he did start seeing a psychologist but “didn’t click”. He is completely broken hearted & riddled with guilt, I don’t know who will be able to help him? He doesn’t feel talking to someone will make these feelings go away, & honestly he is just so “broken” I don’t even know if it will help.

    Is there anything available for men in his situation, or has anyone gone through something similar and come out the other side? I’m so scared that one day he will end his own pain because he just can’t see any light.

  2. Sophie_M
    Community Moderator
    • Works for beyondblue moderating these forums
    Sophie_M avatar
    5929 posts
    28 July 2020 in reply to Jane1980
    Hi Jane1980,
      Welcome to the forums! We're so grateful that you have reached out here to our friendly online community. We're really sorry to hear what your brother is going through, but he sounds very lucky to have such a caring sibling. 

    It might be worth recommending that he try contacting MensLine in his overwhelming moments. MensLine Australia is a free 24/7 telephone and online counselling service for men with emotional health and relationship concerns. They can be contacted on 1300 78 99 78 or https://mensline.org.au/

    You might also find some helpful advice on our pages: https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/have-the-conversation/talking-to-someone-you-are-worried-about
    • "Supporting someone" -
    https://www.beyondblue.org.au/the-facts/supporting-someone   We hope that you keep checking back in with us to let us know how you are going, whenever you feel up to it.
  3. ecomama
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    ecomama avatar
    4567 posts
    28 July 2020 in reply to Jane1980

    Dear Jane1980, thankyou for joining the forums and trying to help your brother. Indeed he is in a sad spot right now.

    Ofcourse I agree with Sophie_M....

    My gut instincts are telling me to tell you about the following things:
    * getting lots of happy photos printed up of him and the kids to SHOW him they are doing okay!
    * PLANNING fun activities WITH him and the kids even if it's kicking a soccer ball at the park for a few hours then heading to a fast food place lol. Take pics.
    * Always have an up and coming "family date" in the diary for all of you - maybe a Calendar on his wall of things plastered in there of fun he can look forward to.
    * he can contact the kid's school and either or both; ask if he can speak to the School Counsellor about the kid's progress and emotional wellbeing at school? and / or ask if the kid's can be enrolled in a beautiful program called "Seasons for Growth" it may be run by a local Community Centre if not at school but it's WONDERFUL.

    Maybe these will bring him more into the present?

    * Uniting Care run an AWESOME program called "The Anchor Program" where children attend and BOTH parents are given feedback about the kids.
    * HOPEFULLY through seeing the kids are doing well and getting support for them, he may just see MH support as a great thing and do it for himself in a more constructive way.

    Has he given up drinking?
    AA can be a great support group and people share their story without judgement whenever they're ready.

    Another suggestion is him joining a "Men's Shed" - I WANT THEM FOR WOMEN lol. You can join at ANY AGE and for no particular reason at all.
    Having him more linked in with Community will help during this time. I think they're AMAZING.

    I also found a fantastic set of programs on ABC iView about Mental Health..... quite magnificent and hitting the core of what so many of us go through and are still going through.

    I want him to know that his kids would rather him alive IN ANY state than not being here for their futures.
    He HAS A FUTURE and wonderful things to look forward to with his children.

    Love EM

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