Your husband's so lucky to have you questioning and wondering so much, in order to make a difference. Coming here is in search of direction is incredibly thoughtful.
From the perspective of depression, it can feel like a whole other reality. It's like you can have certain people, a certain environment, a certain routine and it all relates to sufferance in some way. Outside of depression, those very same factors may all relate to love. 'I love the people in my life, I love the house I live in and I love how my routine grounds me'. The second a trigger or set of triggers come into play, reality shifts. Either way, it feels so real, whatever state you're in. If you're in depression, it feels like no one can convince you that life is any different from how you perceive it, unless there's some mind altering trigger to change that. Either way, it's the right trigger or set of triggers that creates the shift. I'd class the right medication as a trigger also, triggering a positive shift in chemistry.
While I was in depression, I didn't know what I needed to create a significant shift, in all honesty. I suppose what I needed the most was to make sense of it all. It was actually my mum who loved me so strategically on one occasion that it led to me coming out of depression. I experienced post natal depression with both my kids whilst already within depression. When I told her I'd been advised to attend PND group therapy, my mum harassed me to go (her strategy), to the point where I couldn't tolerate it any longer. I went, to shut her up :) What I found there was mind altering. Being there was the 1st time I'd felt 'normal', with people of a similar mindset. It was so liberating to feel 'normal'. Second, it was where I began to understand myself better.
Would I have been receptive of strategic love from my husband? I suppose it would have depended on the strategies. Maybe if he'd led me to wonder more, this could have made a difference: Not 'Do you wonder what would make you happy', more so 'Do you wonder about what led you to this point?' or 'Do you wonder about all the people who led you to see life the way you do?'
You're right, what may work for some may not work for others. Everyone relates differently to certain triggers. Coming to realise that all the traits I held were actually the traits of depression, not mine, this is what triggered the thought 'Who am I without depression?' I was shocked, waking up to the fact...I had no idea who I was.