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Topic: Wife possible BPD is violent

7 posts, 0 answered
  1. Feelinglowlow
    Feelinglowlow avatar
    4 posts
    13 July 2021
    Hey guys looking for advice here. My wife has possible bpd and is extremely sensitive to rejection. Even the slightest feeling of rejection just blows her up . I have tried to control it a lot but 10/10 times my words get turned against me and I have to hear abuse for hours and hours. There’s also been a few times where she’s physically abused me. I have been trying to get her to go see a psychologist so we have progress . Things have been very volatile over the last few years and I am worried for her. I love her and I do not want to lose my son And her. Don’t know what to do ? Very confused and stressed.
  2. white knight
    Community Champion
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    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    white knight avatar
    9214 posts
    13 July 2021 in reply to Feelinglowlow

    Hi, welcome

    For a moment lets reverse this situation. Say it was you (a male) that slapped her. Then if the police were involved you could be taken to court and had a criminal charge on your record. You might also have issues trying to have access to your child.

    I was in an emotional and physical abusive relationship for 7 years out of the 10 we were together. The same, got slapped around when she was drunk. No matter what I did I could not control her from that abuse. In hindsight now, I should have got the police involved.

    If you report her abuse to the police at least you have a record of such illegal action in case you have to leave the relationship and file for some level of custody. A first visit free family solicitor might be worth your time. Covert recording of any incident might also be to your benefit. Evidence is handy.

    Also- if she refuses to attend a psychologist I'd make an appointment with a family counselor. Invite her to go along. If she refuses then leave it at that and attend yourself, after all you need to learn more about how to cope with her abuse right? After your meeting she might ask you how it went...say "its confidential but you are more than welcome to go with me to the next meeting". If she asks why you are going - "I'm learning how to tolerate abuse". End of conversation.

    I too had my then partner say (when asked why she hit me) "you made me do it" and "your bipolar forced my hand". How silly. My now wife of 10 years laughs at that and has never struck me.

    Finally, upon hearing her for hours arguing, there has to be closure. The silent treatment is a form of abuse also therefore I wouldnt advise it. Better to select your words carefully like "I've already answered that / we've already discussed that"... "how about we got for a walk with the dog"?

    In the following thread there is a technique whereby you can make a pact for closure. It has worked for us every time. But you both need to agree on the concept. It's a matter of space, respect, time gap and conditions.

    https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/relationship-and-family-issues/relationship-strife-the-peace-pipe

    Good luck

    TonyWK

  3. Unsure77
    Unsure77 avatar
    144 posts
    13 July 2021

    Hi all

    i recently walked out on my bi polar fiancé, I got accused of cheating on her which I didn't do she rang the person involved which told her it didn't happen either but she didn't believe her also. She has been depressed and very upset and angry about this for about a month. She hasn't taken her medication for nearly two months she has hot me a few times, has controlled me to the point of taking my phone and keys. She thinks I have constantly lied to her and sold her a lie from the start of our relationship. Apart from walking out a few times when things get nasty I have listened to her yell at me call me all sorts of names, I have tried to do everything she asked me to do. Even though I left I love and miss her so much still I think about her every day I just hope she is ok. Have I done the right thing by leaving, I feel terrible for leaving but things were getting really bad. Please help me

    thanks in advance

  4. white knight
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    white knight avatar
    9214 posts
    13 July 2021 in reply to Unsure77

    Hi

    Its hard isn't it, bipolar or not you have your limitations and there is plenty of people without a mental illness that are physically or emotionally violent.

    Not taking medication is one's own responsibility not yours. We get this stubbornness all the time on this forum. Short answer is you can't save the world asnd self preservation is important.

    Here is a thread that might help you. It is about myself surviving post marriage

    Use Google

    Beyondblue topic the best praise you'll ever get

    Also UNSURE77, I recommend you start your own thread. See you there

    TonyWK

  5. Unsure77
    Unsure77 avatar
    144 posts
    13 July 2021 in reply to white knight

    Thanks Tony

    sorry couldn't work out how to do that

  6. Anne T
    Anne T avatar
    3 posts
    16 July 2021 in reply to white knight
    People with BPD are very concerned there is something wrong with them and are commonly reluctant to seek treatment in case they find out there really is something very wrong. Has your wife agreed to go? I have been advised not to say to someone with BPD that you think there is something wrong with them but to suggest that it never hurts to get another perspective on a situation (in this case your marriage).
  7. Guest_3256
    Guest_3256 avatar
    324 posts
    16 July 2021 in reply to Feelinglowlow
    There's a lot of issues that could be causing her to feel that way. Depending on what is going on, she may be trying to get your attention so it might be wise to speak to her as calm and polite as possible. Also think about anything that you could be doing to possibly trigger her. One red flag that someone may have difficulties is how she goes when you are away, if she gets upset, possibly abandonment, if you are not transparent to her care, this might be something that you need to change. Instead of looking at her as an issues, peel back the layers of your relationship dynamic and calmly ask her what you can do to help change the way she feels. If she feel comfortable sharing with you, be prepared to take her feedback and see what you can do to change yourself. Sometimes, but not always, if one partner is feeling unsupported or neglected, the other partner may not understand or see what is happening. This is important.

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