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Forums / Welcome and orientation / "Leaning to say "No" when My energyies and schedule calls for it"

Topic: "Leaning to say "No" when My energyies and schedule calls for it"

11 posts, 0 answered
  1. Guest_9610
    Guest_9610 avatar
    31 posts
    22 July 2019

    Just say Hello to Everyone at BB :)

    1 person found this helpful
  2. Guest_9610
    Guest_9610 avatar
    31 posts
    22 July 2019 in reply to Guest_9610

    Hello Everyone at BB again.

    Re Title:! Spelling Error - was meant to say----

    "Learning to say "No" when My energies and schedule calls for it"

    Sorry Everyone at BB.... still Learning & will never stop Learning.

    Amiella

    1 person found this helpful
  3. Guest_9610
    Guest_9610 avatar
    31 posts
    23 July 2019 in reply to Guest_9610

    Hello to Everyone on Beyond Blue Forum.

    Everyone on the BB forum has been so kind, helpful, informative with ideas thàt has worked for themselves personally thus in turn sharing it with others. That's the beautiful part of this forum.

    Each of us suffer from some sort of mental issue in our personal lives & can encourage each other. We understand each other. We can relate to each other. We can support each when able. We receive kind positive affirmations from each other. All of these & much more can make "Us" feel just as Important, Worthwhile, & Normal in today's society in which there's still a Huge stigma remains.

    We're all in the same boat here so to speak.

    Thank you Beyond Blue For Allowing me to be on this Forum which I truly appreciate.

    I would like very much so if someone could help to me understand myself. Sounds a rather odd to make such a statement. Yet, it's valid to my own personal life.

    Most of my life I've grappled of how to communicate with others. The majority of people tell me that they have no idea where I'm coming from. In saying that, they avoid me because they say I've a strange personality. It's been so painful just trying over & over again. I'm fully aware we all have different personalities, different ideas, different upbringings, different choices & so on.

    I suffer from BPD, anxiety depression which seems to be taking it's toll in every facet of my personal life especially the last 8 months. Been virtually to every medical practitioner in their own "specialities" & come back feeling none the wiser. Most occasions come back feeling more frustrated of being misunderstood. Those practitioners also have questioned me if I was telling them the truth or am I just imagining it.. Perhaps they're not qualified enough to help me. ...

    Any suggestions are welcomed.

    Amiella

    1 person found this helpful
  4. Birdy77
    Valued Contributor
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    Birdy77 avatar
    2299 posts
    23 July 2019 in reply to Guest_9610
    Dear Amiella,

    It's so cool that you've come here to this lovely community to get some support.

    When i make spelling mistakes, i give myself a really gard time and feel dumb. Do not worry. I think you can email and ask for your thread name to be corrected, it won't be a big deal.

    It's great that you're thinking about creating some boundaries around yourself and your energy.

    It can be a tough lesson to learn, but i think it takes practice.

    Do you have some strategies that work for you?

    🌻birdy
    1 person found this helpful
  5. Guest_9610
    Guest_9610 avatar
    31 posts
    24 July 2019 in reply to Birdy77

    Thanks so much, Birdy77 for your reply.

    Yes I'm very happy to be on this BB Forum where we all can contribute in some way or another. Thanks for having a sense of humour re: Spelling errors & your thought on it. Sometimes our brains works faster than we can keyboard ..

    In reference to Boundaries & Energies, I'm still learning. It's certainly not an easy task to say No to those in need yet I'm needing to look after myself First before I can continue to help others. I've always thoroughly enjoyed of helping out when can. Now I'm absolutely burned out, so after doing a self analysis I've had to learn the hard way by say No to many people. It's for my protection so I can manage the anxiety /depression/bpd that comes so unexpectedly.

    Am looking for suggestions of "How" to say "No" to "Others" without offending them. Having both good & bad days I don't always seem to express myself to well with anyone. It's not done intentionally. I just don't know how to say "No" at times so I'm asking are others on the BB Forum who have the same or similar & like to share their ideas.

    Take care

    Amiella

    1 person found this helpful
  6. geoff
    Life Member
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
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    geoff avatar
    16218 posts
    24 July 2019 in reply to Guest_9610

    Hello Amiella, and once again a warm welcome to the forums.

    No one has to say 'yes' to something that they don't want to do, because if you do, then it will only be half-hearted and you will regret it.

    You can't convince yourself that there’s something you could have done better, and by saying 'no' means you find out who your real friends are, because if they seemingly pretend to be a friend and can't accept you denying their request and then disappearing, then you don't deserve them.

    This has happened to me so many times, but by saying 'no' I know who I can trust.

    Lovely for you to join us.

    Geoff.

    1 person found this helpful
  7. Birdy77
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    2299 posts
    25 July 2019 in reply to Guest_9610
    Dear Amiella,

    I can really relate to your feelings of burn-out. That happens when we give & give & give, and we forget to take care of ourselves.

    As Geoff said, none of us have to say Yes to something we don't want to do. I do understand how hard it is though because you really want to say yes, but you just have nothing left to give right now.

    There is a quote I've heard: "'No' is a complete sentence". But for a lot of us, even though it is just one tiny little word containing two tiny little letters, it is the hardest word to say.

    I have been a people-pleaser all my life, so i totally understand how hard it is to say no, and also how exhausting it is to always be saying yes!

    It's only in the last few years that I've started to learn that it's ok to say no, it's ok to have needs of my own because they are just as important as other people's needs & it's totally ok to protect my own boundaries & not have everyone walk all over them.

    It's difficult to start with, but the more you practice, the easier it becomes, & you can reclaim yourself and your energy.

    People don't like it at first, but it's not because you're doing something wrong by saying No. They just don't like it because they are so accustomed to you saying Yes to everything they want, & so they expect you to now *always* do as they want, and it's a shock to them when you now say No.

    Saying No & setting boundaries does not have to be offensive. You could try saying things like, "I'm sorry, but that's not going to suit me today" or "Unfortunately i don't have time to do that for you this afternoon", or "i would have liked to help you out with that, but i have other things planned tomorrow", or "i do enjoy babysitting your kids, but i have other commitments on the weekend". If they persist, you can practice firmly but politely restating your "No".

    As you are burnt out right now, that in itself should come into consideration. You can say things like "I'm not feeling 100% just the moment and i need to take care of myself, so i won't be able to do that for you this time, I'm sorry".

    After all, you can't give to others when you have nothing left because you've already given it all away.

    What do you think about some of those ideas?

    🌻birdy

    1 person found this helpful
  8. Guest_9610
    Guest_9610 avatar
    31 posts
    26 July 2019 in reply to Birdy77

    Hello Geoff & Birdy.

    Thanks Heaps :) That's absolutely fantastic info all said in a Nutshell !!

    Will reply back to you both in more detail when Able. I've had a setback with the anxiety/depression/bpd this week & my brain is barely functioning but wanted you to know how much I truly appreciate your support. Means so much to me.

    Thanks heaps again :) Talk soon..

    Amiella

    2 people found this helpful
  9. Guest_9610
    Guest_9610 avatar
    31 posts
    2 August 2019 in reply to Guest_9610

    Hi Geoff,

    I'm gradully coming out off the dark place where it had to run it's course. Starting to be my old self again so thought it was time I responded to your post about "Learning to say No....

    I'm hearing You. There's so much truth in your words about who Really are True Real friends when we learn to stand up for ourselves by saying a polite yet a Firm "No" . Also have experienced of being "used" by others. They only come & see me when they want something, whether it's my precious time, material goods or whatever it is.

    I've always been a giving person. I Thoroughly enjoyed helping & teaching others. They leave feeling very happy & satisfied, then I don't ever to hear or see from them until their next big ordeal. When I took ill several years ago, it was a real eye opener for me, just as it did for you, Geoff, I learnt who my True friends were. Certainly not the "Users" ....

    Those Users always seem to come round when always at my weakest point.. I recognzed something was needed to be done about. Never had a problem of saying No when my energies called for it but when I took very ill several years ago these so called vultures came round. They weren't interested in my wellbeing at all. They just used me as their dumping garbage ground..

    Geoff, true friends are those who Hear & Do things for You. It's not a 1 way street.

    You still need to trust people,just be very cautious so you won't get Hurt again.

    Thanks once again for responding to me & your lovely post.

    I'll write Birdy77 tomorrow.

    Need a bit of snooze now.

    Rregards

    Amielle

  10. White Rose
    Champion Alumni
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    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
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    White Rose avatar
    6325 posts
    2 August 2019 in reply to Guest_9610

    Dear Amielle

    I add my welcome to the others. So pleased you have come here for support.

    So sad you have been in an uncomfortable place. It's the nature of the beast that our mental health issues catch up to us at times. You sound as though you have some insight into your particular situation and know when and how to manage these occasions. Well done. Glad you are back with us.

    It's so disheartening to discover you are seen only as a source of help rather than being a person in your own right. Being helpful is great and gives us satisfaction but as you say it's a two-way street. There is a book called 'When I say No I feel guilty'. Unfortunately I cannot remember the author. If you can get hold of this it may provide you with ways of saying 'no' which are comfortable for you. Perhaps your local library?

    It isn't only saying no that is difficult. We do feel a little mean or guilty in refusing someone's request. However that is not a reason to agree. What this book does, among other things, is to talk about your feelings and why you feel bad etc. I think it always comes back to deciding what is a reasonable and achievable request and what is unreasonable. The same request can be in both categories at different times as it also depends on your current circumstances.

    You are right to pay attention to your own needs and putting them first is not being mean or selfish. Once the petrol in the tank has been used up you need a way to fill up again and that can take a long time. Please continue to post in here.

    Mary

    1 person found this helpful
  11. Guest_9610
    Guest_9610 avatar
    31 posts
    9 August 2019 in reply to White Rose

    Good Morning Birdie77,

    Sorry it's taken me long to reply back to you. Gradually starting to get my head around things again. not 100% so still need to be very careful.

    I Personally Wanted to "Thank You"for the information about Learning to say "No" & "Boundaries" ... They were excellent reminders for me!

    I must've forgotten about to look after myself somewhere along the way & doing so much for others caused a big melt down to the point that I no longer could help anyone anymore. All those suggestions you had given about how I could use so others wouldn't be offended were/are so practical. :)

    Thank you so so Much :)

    Used some of them a few times ... yes, people certainly didn't like what they heard. It really showed their true colours. Some got rather aggressive, others tried to manipulate me because I had the strength to speak up for myself in a Firm yet kind manner.

    I realised how some of folks were virtually control freaks if they couldn't get it their way. Pardon the expression yet so true. Geniune friends don't treat each other that way. Having that courage & strength to speak up for myself by saying No, etc left them "Powerless". Once they lost that "Power" over me, then I could not forward once again...

    Birdy, you had mentioned that you were a people pleaser, in my situation that was never the case. I've always loved helping people without expecting anything back in return. I still teach & study so i know how to help my student who comes from all walks of life.. I've always thoroughly enjoyed helping anyone especially the downtrodden ones who also needed to feel worthwhile & accepted in today's society...

    Had an incident recently when someone had approached me & wouldn't take No for an answer. I wasn't intimidated, yet had the courage to speak up. I wasn't going to be shoved or pushed around. Some people think that they just can bully others to get what they want. Well, not this "One".. they got a big shock. Part of my training was how to deal with those bullies- not by being aggressive .. ...other practical other ways.

    At present, am needing a bit more of "Me" time taking each day as it comes. Balance is the key in any situation we find ourselves in. Once that balance is lost, then everything else goes haywire....

    Birdy77, you're a Real Asset to the Beyond Blue Forum:)

    Keep up with Your Excellent Work & Please Look after yourself as well :)

    Take Care & With Warmest Regards.

    Amiella

    3 people found this helpful

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