It appears that I find myself once again reaching out in time of need. Anxiety and self doubt plagues me during the night and I wake to overwhelming feelings of helplessness and hopelessness. My emotions churning at the base of my throat and on the brink of tears. You see, I self loathe. Even in my 60’s and a Grandparent I am unable to shake the feeling of worthlessness. Divorce many a moons a-go, left me ostracised by my Ex’s family. A family I tried for many years to prove my worthiness, and tried to adopt, where I had none. I just wanted to be loved and have a family I can be apart of. Yet due to my Ex marrying outside of his race, I was always reminded my acceptance was purely to please a cherished Son and I was to behave as a good wife! At that time, I was a broken physically abused teenager, wanting out from a horrible home existence, who foolishly and naively married to get away from Hell. Only to jump back in.
I was made to stay home and as a result had no career or made outside lasting friendships. Marriage over, children have grown, and have a family and I still find myself without a career or the skill set to making friends.
My children see their father near each week, I only once every 3 months or so. I take it that I cannot offer them anything they need like Networking, people in the know, etc. I don’t have connections they can use in the outside world. I am useless and pathetic.
Boredom kills me, I have way too much time on hand to think. I’ve studied over the years, gained my degrees or certificates but due to circumstances beyond my control ( yes the Ex after 12 yrs still has my finances under his control) I am unable to work.
I hate myself and ever single time I fight to move forward, make friends, join groups, I get no where. Whatever little friends I have rarely call because their priorities have changed. I am invisible, worthless and have no value and it hurts so much. So very much.