Hello R.J.H, welcome to the forums.
You are not alone when you are feeling like this but very sorry that you are experiencing this and it's not easy for other people to understand how or why this is happening, especially if we pretend that everything isn't too bad, although still struggling.
As you mention you are trying to deal with anxiety, depression as well as having bad thoughts and having any good days may not be what you are used to before all of this started, I'm sorry.
There is much involved in what you've said, although I'm not qualified to say, but know from experience, so if I could begin with anxiety and these bad thoughts maybe caused by having intrusive thoughts which can be addressed by a psychologist, someone who understands what you are struggling with.
We'd like to know how you feel about this.