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Forums / Welcome and orientation / Do you feel comfortable on the forum?

Topic: Do you feel comfortable on the forum?

  1. romantic_thi3f
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    3 August 2018 in reply to KittyCat23

    Hi KittyCat23,

    Thanks for sharing this with us and I hear your frustration! Just so you know - this is definitely something that we know and are working on.
    BeyondBlue is working behind the scenes to create new and better forums for everyone. If you like you can check out the link here and post (or repost) your suggestions and feedback -
    https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/welcome-and-orientation/the-forum-suggestions-improvements-thread/page/10#qqfKjnHzvGGEbv8AAOnT_A

    I think the guidelines around one post are super tricky and very much shades of grey.

    You can have one new multicultural, homosexual young person poster struggle with anxiety, trauma, depression who is caring for a family member. That single post could end up in a number of sections!

    The main reason the guideline is there is to help you and other users help you best. If we start sharing in multiple sections, it becomes harder - we might be missing posts that share more of your story, or you might feel frustrated if one post is getting more traction then the other and you’re still stuck with the other issue (like anxiety and trauma for example). So in a sense it is best to pick one section and go with it.
    It’s also helpful if you have a descriptive title as these posts tend to get more answers rather than ‘Hi’. Topic threads like anxiety, depression etc also get more views and answers given that people search there for similar stories or to offer support.

    With that said though, other times you might have a question or a particular concern - in that case in can be helpful to post on separate threads. That way you’re keeping your thread for your story and your support and having the other threads as advice/suggestions.

    I hope this helps a little and that you stick around!
    2 people found this helpful
  2. Birdy77
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    5 December 2018

    Hi Everyone,

    I really value the forums as a place to air our feelings and know that we'll be met with understanding and empathy.

    Something that has been bothering me lately is this feeling of "followers" or cliques. I've read others mention similar.

    For instance, you can read a post by a "popular" member, and it will get a bunch of "likes" and get responses.

    Then someone else will say something truly valuable and valid or even similar to the "popular" person and it will be ignored.

    For instance, I have supported a very popular member here for a long time. Maybe I've said something that offends them (I can't think what) but for the last 5 or 6 instances I've written a supportive post, they've completely ignored me. Or i will write a post and then anither "popular" member will write something similar and they get a thousand thumbs up and mine is ignored? I won't post there again, not because I don't care, but because it hurts.

    I find it really (really) disheartening.

    I understand when we disagree with what someone has said, or genuinely find it unhelpful ... but when it's just because you're not the "popular" one ... it can be hurtful.

    I feel that it goes against why we are here.

    Are we not here to support each other in our struggle and should we not celebrate each other's efforts to help one another, regardless of "popularity"?

    I find it very off-putting and almost a form of bullying. It is definitely something that deters me from posting.

    🌻birdy

    3 people found this helpful
  3. Tess2
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    5 December 2018 in reply to Birdy77

    Hi birdy77,

    i absolutely agree with you, in fact I maybe one of the people who referenced cliques. I am not sure that this is actually helpful to people.

    I am also not one of those who post with lots of emojis and emotional sentiment, maybe that puts some off that I am not so gushy, I don’t know.

    i do think the forums are used as a substitute for connecting with people in life and that is ok for those people I suppose, I get would be concerned when it goes on long term. After all I want to be able to live in the world, not online.

    i hope I have not overstepped the mark here or offended anyone, it is not my intention.

    tess

    3 people found this helpful
  4. Summer Rose
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    5 December 2018 in reply to Birdy77

    Hi Birdy77 and Tess2

    I found your posts really interesting. Popularity is not something I have ever thought of in relation to the forum. And I've never noticed cliques.

    How do you know if someone is popular? How do you identify a clique? I'm not being smart, I'm just curious cause I've been around a fair bit this year and haven't picked up on it. How do you think these issues could be addressed?

    3 people found this helpful
  5. Tess2
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    5 December 2018 in reply to Summer Rose

    Hi summer rose,

    i am not sure how to answer this without making it about certain threads / posts.

    i am not sure that it needs to be addressed really as it must meet a need for those people or a group. Of course some people will identify more closely with some than others maybe that is all it is.

    i try not to take any of it personally.

    tess

    3 people found this helpful
  6. Croix
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    5 December 2018 in reply to Birdy77

    Dear Birdy,

    I find you warm, empathetic and sensible - plus possessed of a sense of humor. You do not have that Valued
    Contributor badge for nothing.

    Your roughly 1,500 posts are good value and I'm distressed that anything should make you feel less welcome or appreciated.

    I will say this, the Forum does not operate on quite the same set of social rules as outside life, and many unseen things factor in to what appears. That is not to say sometimes people are not rude or inconsiderate, I'm not making excuses, though in my experience most of that is unintentional.

    Please remember you do good here, and that is important for it's own sake. People do rely upon your cheerful style - me included

    Hang in here Birdy. Look on the bright side, birdy's cant get toothaches (unless you are an archopterix of course), think of the TOOTHACHES walruses can get :[

    Croix (who likes the odd non-sequitur)

    2 people found this helpful
  7. PamelaR
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    5 December 2018 in reply to Birdy77

    Hi Birdy

    I agree completely with Croix. You are so warm and empathetic. I too love your sense of humour and the posts you write to support people. You are very valued here by many of us!!

    I love having you around. Always find your posts very useful.

    We’re here for you Birdy.

    PamelaR

    2 people found this helpful
  8. blondguy
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    5 December 2018 in reply to Birdy77

    Hey Birdy

    Croix and PamelaR are spot on with your valued input. Your life experience is highly regarded on the forums. I am just another one of your fans.....and yes...since you joined too!!

    Croix made an excellent point when he mentioned "the Forum does not operate on quite the same set of social rules as outside life, and many unseen things factor in to what appears"

    Just an example if thats okay....During November the forums had periods where many unanswered posts from new members were going back from 48 to 72 hours. Generally our priority is to try to answer any unanswered posts (if we are able to of course!) as a Valued Contributor or a CC.

    Your posts always are always super supportive Birdy. I hope you can keep helping out new members as well as you always do :-)

    my kindest always

    Paul

    5 people found this helpful
  9. white knight
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    6 December 2018 in reply to blondguy

    Hi Birdy

    Some really relevant posts here.

    Popularity is always present in any group. School is the best example of it where the popular kid, the one that was held in awe, was surrounded with admirers.

    We are adults now but it still occurs. It hurts and its uncalled for. In fact it runs against the tide of the chemistry of the forum. But is it intentional? Not always, maybe never.

    I'd like you to rely on management to address any such problems. They are on the ball with such issues and take them seriously. Your need for peace here is important.

    Secondly, work towards acceptance of the imperfections of human beings. Most here are loving and considerate people that often are unaware of the effect of their actions as they strike up close bonds with each other. Try to focus what is more important and the work you do and have done as a VC is leaps and bounds more valuable.... priceless in fact.

    TonyWK

    4 people found this helpful
  10. Birdy77
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    6 December 2018 in reply to white knight

    Dear Everyone 😊

    Thank you very much for all your replies and support.

    Summer Rose, I'm glad you've not experienced what Tess and I mentioned. It's hard to say how you "know" of it, I guess you just pick it up on certain threads and such.

    But as Tony mentioned (welcome back, great to see you back on the horse (see what I did there?)), it is probably almost always unintentional, and it is definitely always good practice to expect members are coming from a good place in their hearts.

    Paul, it's a really good point about the importance of responding to new members - if I'm feeling yuck, as someone who's been around for a while, imagine how new members feel if they have to wait ages for acknowledgement.

    Pammy and Croix (wlton-s) I really appreciate your support and care. True, toothache for birdys are terribly rare. I appreciated the finer details of the caps-lock walrus toothache and the square bracket thing in your illustration of a walrus smiley :[ I thought it was a very refined touch.

    In the fresh light of a brand new day I feel a tad foolish perhaps. I have probably been feeling a bit extra-sensitive just lately.

    Thank you all so much again, I appreciate all of you very much.

    🌻birdy

    1 person found this helpful
  11. quirkywords
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    6 December 2018 in reply to Birdy77

    Birdy

    I think one great thing about this forum is that we can feel free to express our feelings.

    Please do not feel foolish , I think that many people on here are sensitive and I think that is a wonderful emotion to have as it makes us caring and compassionate towards others.

    As you can see you are very much valued and respected in the forum.

    I find the care and wisdom in your posts so reassuring.

    Take care

    Quirky

    3 people found this helpful
  12. white knight
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    6 December 2018 in reply to quirkywords

    Hi Birdy,

    Yes it's good to be back.

    Foolish? Nope. Sensitive -likely.

    What is the issue with sensitivity? Lets explore that.

    Im highly srnsitive and therefore that downliads to reactivity. As sensitivity is part of our DNA (one good reason to accept it than let it eat you up) we can do nothing to change it. That leaves us with two choices-

    • Go through our lives living with regret for our reactions and suffer the ramifications of guilt or
    • Realise that a/ there is positives in being sensitive and b/ that people in general have flaws just as serious.

    My wife and I do what we can to rescue injured animals (without too much commitment)...thats a result of sensitivity as is consideration, care and empathy.

    People can suffer addictions, personality quirks, be selfish, cruel, fraudulent and so on...how does that compare to sensitivity? I'd rather be it!

    One thing I've picked up over the years is "better to focus on what you have than what you dont". On the outside rim of friendships feels like you are left out. Rejected. Whereas often these small cliques are friendships lacking substance with just a feeding off each other event.

    You are doing well Birdy. Naught to worry about but its ok to express...

    TonyWK

    3 people found this helpful
  13. Summer Rose
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    6 December 2018 in reply to Tess2

    Hi Tess

    Thanks for your explanation. What I am taking from your words is that you notice the clique operating on certain threads based on the way certain individuals interact with each other and in the way they don't interact with others outside the clique. Have I got this?

    I will be on the look out for this behaviour, as I haven't yet experienced it and certainly would not want to unknowingly participate. Thanks so much for pointing this out. The wonderful thing about us humans is that we are always learning!

    Kind thoughts to you

    3 people found this helpful
  14. Summer Rose
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    6 December 2018 in reply to Birdy77

    Hi Birdy

    I'm so glad that you're feeling better today. I've been thinking about you this morning and wanted to check in.

    I think all the supportive comments that you've received are great and I echo them but won't repeat; however, I'd also like to make the point that if you are feeling distressed of that behaviour is bordering on bullying that you can always report the thread. I know you, you already know this. But I don't if you've ever done it.

    I have reported a thread due to what I perceived as unnecessary conflict and I was worried about the perceived "victim". Yet, in the context of your post, I'm now looking back and wondering if popularity or cliques played a role and I just didn't pick it up. I honestly don't know. But at least now I'm aware of the issue and can look out for it.

    Please don't ever let the behaviour of others take this place from you. You belong here and have much to contribute. Much better to do exactly what you've done, talk about it and try to make the forum a better place for everyone. Thank you for raising the issue.

    Kind thoughts to you

    2 people found this helpful
  15. Tess2
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    6 December 2018 in reply to Summer Rose

    Hi,

    for me this was just an observation. I think how you have put it is right. I do not expect a reply to every post, this is not a conversation as such and everyone has a different capacity in regard to this. I do not get offended if my name get left off a list in a response. And we all identify more with some than others.

    As I said it was an observation I agree with Birdy s perception here. This forum is about supporting each other. It is just interesting to me that some posts attract a lot more attention than others, that probably just reflects what is going on in people’s lives at the time. I do not think it is deliberate or intended to be exclusive.

    tess

    1 person found this helpful
  16. Summer Rose
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    6 December 2018 in reply to Tess2

    Hi Tess

    I think you and I are a lot alike, as I also take no offence and never take Likes or non-mentions personally. But I'm so glad Birdy raised the issue as an important reminder that some people might.

    Kind thoughts to you

    1 person found this helpful
  17. Doolhof
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    7 December 2018 in reply to Summer Rose

    Hi Everyone,

    I have been away from the forums for a couple of weeks so it may take me a while to catch up with all that has been happening here.

    Birdy thanks for bringing up this issue here. It is important that we are able to discuss how we feel.

    All communities have their own cliques, we all form connections to different people. There are some people here on the forum who find great support and care by continuing to respond to each other.

    We all communicate differently. Yes, it can be hurtful to see some people acknowledged and not yourself, I understand that.

    Dear Birdy, you have helped myself and many others immensely, I thank you so much for all you offer here.

    It is sad to think that anyone feels rejected, not acknowledged or validated here.

    Wishing everyone a day where you can hold your head high and have a smile on your face!

    Everyone matters.

    Cheers from Dools

    3 people found this helpful

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