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Forums / Welcome and orientation / Gender Reveal Depression

Topic: Gender Reveal Depression

13 posts, 0 answered
  1. Meg X
    Meg X avatar
    4 posts
    26 May 2019

    I’m 8 months pregnant and devastated that I’m having a girl. We tried to conceive for a long time and the only thing that got me through was the thought of my precious son at the end. The day we found out it was a girl (we found out at 10 weeks) I hated being pregnant and I’ve found no joy in this pregnancy since! Some days it’s so bad I can’t even get out of bed. I have no desire to name her or do a nursery for her so my husband has had to do it all.

    I have no idea why I feel like this and I can’t stop these feelings. The thought of being a girl mom fills me with dread... all the hair braiding, temper tantrums, outfit changes, ballet lessons ect ect are just not what I wanted for the rest of my life.

    Everyone keeps telling me I don’t know what type of girl I’m having.. she could be a tomboy, she could be really sporty.. but I know my luck in life and she will be the girliest girl around.

    Im sorry for all the negativity but I have been carrying this around with me for months. I just don’t see a way out! I’ve asked for professional help but unless I can pay $70 a session there isn’t any help out there. I’m hoping someone here has been through the same thing and can relate.

    Please don’t me and think badly of me. I know this is not how you are supposed to feel and that I should just be happy I’m having a healthy baby

  2. Very Sad Dad
    Very Sad Dad avatar
    4 posts
    26 May 2019 in reply to Meg X

    Hi Meg X,

    I am a very recent contributor to this forum and have no experience and no real answers for you.

    Don't be embarrassed by your reaction to the news of your new baby's sex. We are all different, not better or worse - just different.

    Perhaps your doctor might be the first port of call? Medicare will probably pick up most of the tab for this visit. Or even perhaps mention it at your next visit to the mid-wife or other person who is going to help you deliver. Is it ante-natal?

    At 8 months pregnant, this visit might not be terribly far in the future...

    Not much help and probably you have already been told this.

    Good luck and we're thinking of you...

    1 person found this helpful
  3. Meg X
    Meg X avatar
    4 posts
    26 May 2019 in reply to Very Sad Dad

    Hello, thank you so much for your reply. It’s nice to know someone out there is listening.

    I have asked my GP and Midwife for help many time over the last few months when things got really bad, but, unless you have money there is no help out there. Psych sessions are about $120 per session and Medicare covers $50 a session for up to 10 sessions a year. Between myself, my GP and my Midwife we have contacted over 30 consultants. The fees are all very similar.

  4. quirkywords
    Community Champion
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    quirkywords avatar
    14715 posts
    26 May 2019 in reply to Meg X

    MegX

    Welcome to the forum .

    I am so sorry you feel like this. It is suppose do be the most wonderful time of ones life but it can be very stressful with worry.

    Have you spoken to your doctor and you may be eligible for a mental health plan.

    I understand how expensive professional help can be and how frustrating it can be to get help.

    How would you feel are about calling Beyond Blue support line 1300 22 4636? Sometimes just talking to another person can help.

    When I was pregnant I could have 4 emotions in one day and it felt like a roller coaster. I worried about so many things.

    I am glad you could be honest and share your feelings.

    You are not alone , there is support here.

    Keep posting as much as you like.

    Quirky

  5. Meg X
    Meg X avatar
    4 posts
    26 May 2019 in reply to quirkywords
    Hello, thanks for your reply. My GP put me on a mental health plan but help is still $70 a session which we just can’t afford so I haven’t been to any sessions.
  6. Meg X
    Meg X avatar
    4 posts
    26 May 2019 in reply to quirkywords
    I tried the helpline yesterday and they suggested I call someone else - PANDA.
  7. Smith042
    Smith042 avatar
    5 posts
    31 May 2019 in reply to Meg X
    Boys can be nightmares too, Just sayin'
  8. quirkywords
    Community Champion
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    quirkywords avatar
    14715 posts
    31 May 2019 in reply to Meg X

    Meg,

    Hi I was just wondering how you were going. Did you ring PANDA?

    It must be frustrating that you are trying to get help but it is too expensive .

    is there anyone in your family you can talk too.

    I hope the fact you have been open and honest and acknowledged how you feel that it may help you.

    You said in your first post that you have no idea why you are feeling like this and you can’t stop the feelings.

    Maybe an only a maybe once you have your baby, you will have other emotions and may feel differently.

    i wish you all the best.

    Quirky

  9. quirkywords
    Community Champion
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    quirkywords avatar
    14715 posts
    31 May 2019 in reply to quirkywords

    meg,

    I just saw this article that may be of interest to you about Gender Disappointment. it was from a site called childmags. there are other sites addressing the issue.

    I hope this article may help you and realise you are not alone and there things you can do.

    Quirky

    Is this common?
    If you are distressed about your baby’s gender it is important to understand disappointment is not an unusual response. It doesn’t mean you will be unable to love your child.

    Gender disappointment is essentially the result of a gap between what you hoped for and what you got. Parents-to-be will need to grieve the loss of the child they hoped for and reimagine the life they thought they would have, but with a child of the opposite gender.

    Some ways that can help include:
    • Acknowledging the grief is real and that it is okay to be disappointed.

    • Understanding that your feelings are not about the baby you are carrying, but about the loss of an imagined experience.

    • Setting a time limit to feel sad about the gender of the baby, then committing yourself to focusing on the baby you are carrying.

    • Considering how you constructed this picture of what life would be like to parent a child of a certain gender. What influenced these thoughts? How realistic were these thoughts?

    Many parents assume what their baby will be like, or what their relationship with their baby will be, based on past experiences. But our experiences are heavily biased and do not account for the possibility that this baby, or this parent-child relationship will turn out very differently. Understand that there is no guarantee this baby would have been as you had hoped, even if it had been the ‘right’ gender.

  10. Mickeybelle
    Mickeybelle avatar
    3 posts
    11 June 2019 in reply to Meg X

    Hi Meg X,

    I kind of understand. At the time I got pregnant I was a teacher at a boys school. I'd always taught boys and so I wanted a boy. I knew them, I had done professional development on them. I even taught those typically boyish subjects. I was ready for my son too.

    We didn't find out the gender before birth, so the first time I knew she was a she was when the doctor held her up. For a millisecond I was disappointed. But it didn't last. I fell in love with her.

    Don't get me wrong, the idea of a girl terrified me, but as she grew, we worked it out. I even let pink into our house.

    Because of her I found my girly side. I even bought a shirt or two. I still don't do the make up and nails, but I did wear earrings once, Lol.

    She's nearly 12 now and today she bought home her woodwork project like it was a Grammy Award. Wood work is her favourite subject. She plays basketball, rock climbing, Minecraft, science and maths. But also puppies and anime.

    I'm sure you two will find your groove like we did. She will probably be more like you than you think.

    Paint her room jungle theme. Or circus. It doesn't have to be flowers and fairies. It really was a long time before pink made it into our house.

    I just thought I'd share my experience. Wishing you all the best.

    Mickey.

    1 person found this helpful
  11. quirkywords
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
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    quirkywords avatar
    14715 posts
    11 June 2019 in reply to Meg X

    meg x

    hello.

    just wondering how you are going?,

    Probbaly very busy.

    Take care

    Quirky

  12. quirkywords
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    quirkywords avatar
    14715 posts
    11 June 2019 in reply to Mickeybelle

    meg,

    Injust wanted to thank Mickey for her helpful post .

    Mickey, welcome to the forum and thank you for using your first post to share your experience with others.

    I think when we are honest about our feelings others know they are not alone.

    Apparently pink for girls and blue for boys is cultural and came about according to one source, because blue was the colour that protected children against demons!

    Thanks again and welcome to the forum.

    Quirky

    1 person found this helpful
  13. DixieKong
    DixieKong avatar
    2 posts
    14 June 2019 in reply to Meg X

    Hi Meg,

    I was the same but the opposite gender. I wanted a girl more than anything. My friends all had girls, I am a massive girly girl and sparkley shoes make my heart melt. When I found out at 15 weeks that it was a boy I cried and cried and cried. I had a friend tell me that they couldn’t be friends with me anymore because I was having a boy. I was excluded by them. I didn’t want dinosaurs or soccer or cars. I grew up in a house of girls, I didn’t know what to do with a boy!

    I wish I could tell you that when he was born it all changed, but it didn’t. I remember waking up at 3am once and thinking “all of this, for a boy?”

    my son is 2.5 years old now and I would not trade him for the world. I love him and all the “boy” activities and toys and truly, I don’t mind if I have a girl in the future or not. This little boy has shown me that something that I thought would be incredibly disappointing turned out to be one of the best things that ever happened to me. I still see those sparkly shoes and sometimes feel a twang of pain in my heart but I love the scuffed navy blue joggers more than anything. Oh, and guess which “friends” aren’t a part of my life anymore?! Hehe

    hope you are doing ok xo

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