Hi BB Community,
I turned to the forums today because I'm struggling with the old black dog again, in particular this morning. I've had depression since I was a teenager (only didn't realise that's what it was at the time). I was diagnosed and subsequently medicated and treated by a psychologist in my early 30s and in the last 8 years have learned a lot about how to tackle the darkness that lives in my head. I've had spells of illness and wellness in that time, as well as time on and off medication.
Recently I've noticed my thoughts trending negative with increasing frequency, and I'm at a point now where I am considering going back on medication and pursuing professional help again to get this under control. It's like an annoying rash that just keeps flaring up whenever life gets stressful or challenging. Time for some cream to soothe the itch!
This morning I was feeling extremely worthless and hopeless and couldn't stop the words "I hate myself" repeating like a skipping CD in my head. I kept thinking about how I could just disappear and noone would even notice I was gone. That my workplace and my bank would be the first who would raise the alarm and that's only because I have contractual agreements with them.
So I know these thoughts are a trick, they are an illusion created by the enemy that lives in my head, my internalised abuser that is trying to kill me. Depression is a manipulative, coercive, addictive serial killer. It tries to isolate you from your loved ones, to convince you that you have no value, that you're poisonous, and that others would be better off if you weren't here. It lies to you and gaslights you and blinds you from reality.
These forums are where you can clear the blinding fog and get a view of reality again. I dove into these threads and have been reading peoples stories and the warm supportive responses for most of the day. And I can say that I'm feeling a lot better for it, clearer, calmer. The broken record of self-hatred has quietened. The choking feeling of failure and inadequacy has passed. I feel understood, I feel like I'm not alone in this fight and I feel hope.
So thank you to all who have the courage to share what they are going through, and to those here who so lovingly and patiently support and give advice and understanding. You have made a positive difference in my life today, and I am very grateful. I'll be returning the favour by offering some kind words where I feel I can be helpful.
Keep fighting! - Rach