Good Morning, and a warm welcome.
To answer your thread title, no you are not self-fish for posting here at all, and from what you have told us, it's so good that you have been able to open up to us.
It's not easy to do this and many other people would have had the same feeling, I included.
Pretending to be OK in front of others or a smiling depression is not uncommon, as want our friends/family to think that we're not suffering at all, but behind closed doors it all changes as we are able to release our true emotions and I certainly know about that.
We always fear that people who see us 'being OK' will never believe the true sadness that controls us, that's why we pretend, our circumstances are too involved because one problem leads to another and then we're caught up in knowing what to do .
Can I please suggest you go and see your doctor, they will talk with you and then diagnose your behaviour, but please this isn't necessarily your fault, something has started all of this and the doctor will guide you in the right direction.
They may prescribe medication and then refer you onto a psychologist, with a 'mental health plan', which entitles you to 10 Medicare paid sessions per year.
This is just to say hello and let you that you're alone in this suffering.
Hope to hear back from you.