Hello. I'm new to this .
I have struggled with depression and anxiety for a while. The last 5 months have been hard. Barely want to get out of bed most days. In the last few weeks though I have started a course and have been pushing myself to get things done. I have been feeling better. But still have bad days where I just feel numb or really low. I am going to go see a psychologist.
My biggest struggle atm is that I'm 25 and have no close friends or family that want to be around me. I find I can't maintain conversation or find anything interesting to talk about. I don't 'click' with anyone and I can tell that I bore people. I feel as though I have no depth and nothing to bring to the table when it comes to friendship so people just aren't interested in my company.
I get social anxiety and go into this mode where I am constantly judging myself and what I am saying and I just come of as awkward and boring.
I have a son which takes up a lot of my time and don't have a lot of support so starting hobby just seems unachievable. He is delayed in his development so we are constantly having appointments and what not. Plus my course takes up the days he is in care.
I just feel isolated.
Every friendship I have tried to engage in just seems to dwindle out. Or my depression will get in the way when it gets bad and I will push people away because I will be toxic to be around.
I just don't know what to do anymore. People say to just be yourself but I don't even know what that is. I just feel like I'm a shell with nothing inside.
I don't want to be 40 one day with no friends or substantial connections.
I feel like there is something broken inside of me that just keeps getting in the way and maybe I need to fix this before I can build friendships.
I have tried to put myself out there but nothing ever lasts. If I don't initiate a hang out with someone then I don't hear from anyone. No one checks up to see how I am. No one tries to hang out. Not even family.
I just really want to fix this. I want feel happy and light and laugh again. I really want friends .